[he'll shift just to make sure that the scarf is balanced on his head without actually getting in the way of his eyesight, but otherwise he'll just follow after her with a laugh]
Right behind you, Lady Ro-san. [a beat] Did I manage to sound like an attendant?
Why couldn't you be more? You may be a weapon, but it's not all you have to be. You have the hands to wield, the will to move, the feet to take you wherever.
[ She looks back over her shoulder. ]
It doesn't have to be anything grand, but you don't always have to serve.
I wouldn’t say that. I have a Master, after all, and missions I’m expected to accomplish. Even when I was summoned, I knew I would be given duties where I would have to spill blood in order to protect history. My first one made it clear to me that I’ll be surrounded by death. That’s what I am here for.
And when it’s over, I don’t know if I’ll get to keep this body.
[ He's really saying that while looking like a clothes rack. She slows to stop, looks at him, and looks away before looking back at him again.
The thing is she can understand what it means to have to spill blood and to be surrounded by death and to know that's all you're there for, so she can't disregard all of that. There are plenty of empty words she could say, but she decides to say this instead. ]
It's hard to peel yourself away from all you've ever known and all you've ever been tasked to do. Uncertainty goes both ways.
Even if you don't know if you'll be able to stay this way, you also don't know that you aren't.
For the time being, while we're here, you can be more, less, or the same. Whatever you feel is right for you. It's not beyond you right now, even if might be later.
it is an odd concept for a sword who, from his summoning, knew certain things about himself. this is how his spirit developed, even if his body was never certain to exist. but the idea of that changing, of the growth that is normally afforded to humans being given to him?
it didn't really occur to him. though now, as he is holding onto all of roxana's beautiful clothes and listening to her speak, he seems to consider it.]
... should I tell you about the first mission I was ever sent on, Ro-san?
[i just really like that he's going to tell this terribly violent story while holding her clothes
that said he'll just explain - ]
To be honest, I didn't understand the mission for about half of it. Our goal was to ensure that history followed its course. My captain told us that we needed to recruit a large army in order to do that. So I went around with my comrades, and we were able to recruit about 37,000 people total. It... felt strange - because we did it through telling them that they'd reach Paraiso - the Christian promise of paradise. They were farmers, peasants, women and children - people who didn't have enough food to eat and risked starving.
But... I saw how things would get out of control. They would kill others so easily, angry and desperate, and burned down shrines. It would spiral so fast - before I could even try to stop them. There's a lot about human existence that I still don't understand.
Then my captain reassigned me and one of my other comrades - Matsui Gou - to join the side of the Shogunate. They'd be the victors of the battle. We were to make sure that they won - by killing all 37,000 of the same people that I'd helped recruit. They starved them out anyway, and then sent in the soldiers to kill everyone, even non-combatants.
But that's history. Even if I have this body, I can't defy it - or else even more of humanity will be condemned.
I don't want to say that I'll never be different from who I am - I have a heart now, and I know what it feels like to ache. I think that was the first time I changed, knowing that I could be cutting down the same humans I want to protect.
But am I more or less than what I was made to do? [to have joined the slaughter, though at least this time he could feel some level of guilt for it] I'm not sure.
She listens quietly and steps closer to him each time the story of his mission gets worse until she's right in front of him by time he's finished. She reaches up and holds the ends of the scarf that she draped over him. It's as close to an embrace as she'll allow.
There are so many things that she could say or ask about. What does he need to enforce history for? Is the fate of humanity his responsibility?
It's hateful to make someone like Buzen betray, and she knows so many hateful things. ]
You are more because if you were only what you were made to do, would your heart ache? If that didn't change you, you'd be the same or less.
[ Her smile is sad. ]
It hurts, but I'm glad you have become more. To witness and ensure such cruelty in your first mission and still come out it without knowing hate - you did well, Buzen Gou.
when she reaches up, it's automatic for him to lean down. even though he does not touch her, he still searches her face for some form of answer. roxana has made it abundantly clear to him that she is a human who is not unfamiliar with blood and sin - would she be able to make any sense of what happened with him?
so he listens to her - and nods once. so is it to be more to have a heart, no matter the despair that you might see?]
... I wish I could have done more.
[a soft, quiet admittance that he never quite got to saying.]
Even if not for history, then for my comrades.
.... well, I suppose that can be our secret, Ro-san.
[ The sense she makes of it is that his mission was fucked, and she is no stranger to fucked circumstances. What's normal for her makes it stand out more for him, whose personality is nothing like hers.
She brushes her fingers against his cheek. ]
Thank you for finally telling me a wish of yours. I'll keep it to my grave.
[ It's sad, but isn't that more evidence of his growth? ]
[at the touch, he leans against it, automatic. perhaps it's the fact that as a sword, he is so used to the touch of others to be wielded - or maybe because now that he is human, he wants to understand this warm sensation better.
it's hard to say. both, maybe.]
... well, I'd just like to get out of this situation without any wishes left.
[to not feel like he could've done more - to give it his all, in every way]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Come on, let's go.
[ She's walking out of the closet. ]
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[he'll shift just to make sure that the scarf is balanced on his head without actually getting in the way of his eyesight, but otherwise he'll just follow after her with a laugh]
Right behind you, Lady Ro-san. [a beat] Did I manage to sound like an attendant?
[stop]
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[ She sounds amused and is heading back towards the apartments. ]
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Is there more I can be? I’m a weapon, really, so I never thought of doing more.
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[ She looks back over her shoulder. ]
It doesn't have to be anything grand, but you don't always have to serve.
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I wouldn’t say that. I have a Master, after all, and missions I’m expected to accomplish. Even when I was summoned, I knew I would be given duties where I would have to spill blood in order to protect history. My first one made it clear to me that I’ll be surrounded by death. That’s what I am here for.
And when it’s over, I don’t know if I’ll get to keep this body.
So things like that… feel a little beyond me.
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The thing is she can understand what it means to have to spill blood and to be surrounded by death and to know that's all you're there for, so she can't disregard all of that. There are plenty of empty words she could say, but she decides to say this instead. ]
It's hard to peel yourself away from all you've ever known and all you've ever been tasked to do. Uncertainty goes both ways.
Even if you don't know if you'll be able to stay this way, you also don't know that you aren't.
For the time being, while we're here, you can be more, less, or the same. Whatever you feel is right for you. It's not beyond you right now, even if might be later.
no subject
it is an odd concept for a sword who, from his summoning, knew certain things about himself. this is how his spirit developed, even if his body was never certain to exist. but the idea of that changing, of the growth that is normally afforded to humans being given to him?
it didn't really occur to him. though now, as he is holding onto all of roxana's beautiful clothes and listening to her speak, he seems to consider it.]
... should I tell you about the first mission I was ever sent on, Ro-san?
Though it's a bit violent.
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[ More than she should be and more than she wants to be sometimes. ]
I am listening.
no subject
that said he'll just explain - ]
To be honest, I didn't understand the mission for about half of it. Our goal was to ensure that history followed its course. My captain told us that we needed to recruit a large army in order to do that. So I went around with my comrades, and we were able to recruit about 37,000 people total. It... felt strange - because we did it through telling them that they'd reach Paraiso - the Christian promise of paradise. They were farmers, peasants, women and children - people who didn't have enough food to eat and risked starving.
But... I saw how things would get out of control. They would kill others so easily, angry and desperate, and burned down shrines. It would spiral so fast - before I could even try to stop them. There's a lot about human existence that I still don't understand.
Then my captain reassigned me and one of my other comrades - Matsui Gou - to join the side of the Shogunate. They'd be the victors of the battle. We were to make sure that they won - by killing all 37,000 of the same people that I'd helped recruit. They starved them out anyway, and then sent in the soldiers to kill everyone, even non-combatants.
But that's history. Even if I have this body, I can't defy it - or else even more of humanity will be condemned.
I don't want to say that I'll never be different from who I am - I have a heart now, and I know what it feels like to ache. I think that was the first time I changed, knowing that I could be cutting down the same humans I want to protect.
But am I more or less than what I was made to do? [to have joined the slaughter, though at least this time he could feel some level of guilt for it] I'm not sure.
no subject
She listens quietly and steps closer to him each time the story of his mission gets worse until she's right in front of him by time he's finished. She reaches up and holds the ends of the scarf that she draped over him. It's as close to an embrace as she'll allow.
There are so many things that she could say or ask about. What does he need to enforce history for? Is the fate of humanity his responsibility?
It's hateful to make someone like Buzen betray, and she knows so many hateful things. ]
You are more because if you were only what you were made to do, would your heart ache? If that didn't change you, you'd be the same or less.
[ Her smile is sad. ]
It hurts, but I'm glad you have become more. To witness and ensure such cruelty in your first mission and still come out it without knowing hate - you did well, Buzen Gou.
no subject
when she reaches up, it's automatic for him to lean down. even though he does not touch her, he still searches her face for some form of answer. roxana has made it abundantly clear to him that she is a human who is not unfamiliar with blood and sin - would she be able to make any sense of what happened with him?
so he listens to her - and nods once. so is it to be more to have a heart, no matter the despair that you might see?]
... I wish I could have done more.
[a soft, quiet admittance that he never quite got to saying.]
Even if not for history, then for my comrades.
.... well, I suppose that can be our secret, Ro-san.
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She brushes her fingers against his cheek. ]
Thank you for finally telling me a wish of yours. I'll keep it to my grave.
[ It's sad, but isn't that more evidence of his growth? ]
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it's hard to say. both, maybe.]
... well, I'd just like to get out of this situation without any wishes left.
[to not feel like he could've done more - to give it his all, in every way]
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Wishes are easier said than granted.
[ And some wishes aren't easy to say at all. ]
But I'd like that for you, too. Let's not have too many regrets.