It's not like I'm not upset about it. Matsuoka was my friend. He didn't deserve this, game or no game, and I don't understand why any of you would have chosen him, out of all of us.
...But you're still going to lose someone tomorrow. Even if your team was responsible, this isn't a kind of justice I can get behind.
[ his eyes harden, but honestly, kazuki always expected to be pissed off. he's been nothing but for the past few days. it isn't a surprise to hear buzen confirm that it would have such an affect - more that he, too, is angry.
it's... kind of a relief, in a way. ]
If I'm honest, I'm not sure that I want to know. It wouldn't do any good at this point, anyway, when they're both as good as gone.
[ . . . . he's just going to shut his eyes at that, irritated, before nodding.]
That's up to you.
But I don't have to be silent anymore, so I won't be. I'll give that person the rest of tonight to say their piece, but if they don't then tomorrow I'm going to start saying everything I know.
[ . . . when he looks at kazuki, there's something a little - lost? in his expression. he really doesn't know what to do with all this understanding and kindness.]
... I wouldn't want to hurt any of you. I don't want to.
but buzen will just take that as his cue to scoot in, opening his arms and bringing kazuki into his embrace. it is very warm and comfortable, he gives extremely good hugs.
[ after a moment, kazuki slowly reaches around to hug him back. it's a much more hesitant touch, though, almost like he's afraid to hold on too tight.
part of him wants to argue that it's harder on others, but he'd be a hypocrite if he did, so soon after telling buzen what he has. ]
It's just going to keep getting worse, though. I should be used to this kind of thing by now.
[ it's close enough to the x-day incidents from home that kazuki should know better than expect anything good to happen. the difference is, he's never been so directly affected until now. ]
.... I have a kind of sad secret - and it's that it's not really something you get used to.
[to have to endure this much death. people asked buzen why he wasn't bothered by his own death and the answer is because he lacks self-preservation - but it didn't mean he wasn't bothered by everyone else's. there's so many kids there. so many kind people with big dreams. it's hard to watch them.
but - ]
But there's always people that are still trying to make it better. To try to help. To be kind, like you Hoshi-san, even in the face of all this.
And even if it's hard to say whether that really evens anything out... I also think that makes it hard to give up hope.
[having faith, keeping his head up, even when everything is bloody and awful.]
So... take your time. I'll hold onto hope for you too, until you feel like it's safe to reach for again. But I won't let you sink too far without it either, okay?
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I'm sorry. For your team, and for you.
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he fucking gets up at that - the second that kazuki says sorry then he's just going to be shaking his head instantly]
Hoshi-san—don't say sorry to us. Don't say sorry to any of us.
All of us knew. Since yesterday. None of us should get a single apology from any of you - I should be the one saying sorry.
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...But you're still going to lose someone tomorrow. Even if your team was responsible, this isn't a kind of justice I can get behind.
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You can ask the person who did it the reason, if they'll tell you - if they don't, then I will. But it'll piss you off.
[a fair warning, and a rare note of anger in buzen's voice because god did it make him angry.]
... you're a kinder person than I am, Hoshi-san. When I found out my team hurt Rin-san, I was ready to take us all out.
[something in his voice suggests he
still is]
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it's... kind of a relief, in a way. ]
If I'm honest, I'm not sure that I want to know. It wouldn't do any good at this point, anyway, when they're both as good as gone.
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That's up to you.
But I don't have to be silent anymore, so I won't be. I'll give that person the rest of tonight to say their piece, but if they don't then tomorrow I'm going to start saying everything I know.
It's the least I can do for everyone.
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I understand.
[ buzen has spent the entire day trying to help, hasn't he? of course he'd keep trying. ]
I'm... glad that it wasn't you.
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... I wouldn't want to hurt any of you. I don't want to.
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[ kazuki gives him a faint smile, one that doesn't reach his eyes. ]
The way you talked about humans... I don't think you'd ever want to hurt us, if you could help it. Sword spirit or not.
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... as long as you know, Hoshi-san. I'll treasure the fact that you believe in me. It does mean a lot.
[ . . . ]
How about you? How are you feeling?
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I... [ he takes a deep breath. ] I'd be lying if I said I was okay. This week has been pretty awful. It was for a lot of us, but...
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Is it okay?
If I give you a hug.
[he didn't ask during trial, but he also wasn't outed to be on the guilty team during trial]
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it's even more embarrassing to admit to himself that yeah, maybe a hug would be nice? so he keeps his gaze on the ground, and nods. ]
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but buzen will just take that as his cue to scoot in, opening his arms and bringing kazuki into his embrace. it is very warm and comfortable, he gives extremely good hugs.
today, he hugs like he's trying to protect him.]
I'm sorry. I know it's tough.
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part of him wants to argue that it's harder on others, but he'd be a hypocrite if he did, so soon after telling buzen what he has. ]
It's just going to keep getting worse, though. I should be used to this kind of thing by now.
[ it's close enough to the x-day incidents from home that kazuki should know better than expect anything good to happen. the difference is, he's never been so directly affected until now. ]
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[to have to endure this much death. people asked buzen why he wasn't bothered by his own death and the answer is because he lacks self-preservation - but it didn't mean he wasn't bothered by everyone else's. there's so many kids there. so many kind people with big dreams. it's hard to watch them.
but - ]
But there's always people that are still trying to make it better. To try to help. To be kind, like you Hoshi-san, even in the face of all this.
And even if it's hard to say whether that really evens anything out... I also think that makes it hard to give up hope.
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I know.
[ it's alex's face that he sees first when he closes his eyes, among others. so many of them are trying. ]
I hope you're right, but... you have more faith in this than I do, Buzen-san.
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[having faith, keeping his head up, even when everything is bloody and awful.]
So... take your time. I'll hold onto hope for you too, until you feel like it's safe to reach for again. But I won't let you sink too far without it either, okay?
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it's not like kazuki can't appreciate the sentiment, though. ]
Okay.
...Thanks, Buzen-san.
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You're welcome.
You're stronger than you give yourself credit for, Hoshi-san. It's okay.