[he winces at that - and then tries to school the expression off his face, like he knows he doesn't deserve to feel bad right now compared to everyone else]
I don't... know what to say.
I'm sorry. I... tried, but I know it wasn't very good.
You don't need to apologize to me. You did try. [she looked away, during trial, so he arguably tried harder than she did.] The nature of this game makes it so. I can't expect anything out of people that I grow to care about.
[the answer comes out of him so fast - but then he second guesses himself, like he realizes that he's not sure if he's allowed to argue]
You should expect things of them. When you care about someone, you should be able to ask for things - like truth and care and loyalty. And they should be able to ask the same out of you.
[ . . . ]
It's this place that makes it wrong - that gives us stupid rules we have to follow. But I—
[he looks frustrated, guilty, and pained all at once]
... Shen-san, I thought it could've hurt you if I made the answer obvious. I thought it could've hurt everyone, because of the damn rules. But I don't want you to think for even a second that I wouldn't have told you and everyone as soon as I could, if I had the chance.
for a long moment, she just turns her face away, looks up at the cathedral again. there's a struggle, because there's something - she feels something, but she can't access it. it just rots instead.]
I don't blame you, Buzen. [because she doesn't. that's true, it's not his fault the game sucks.
and then:]
I don't know that I can afford kindness if people will only take advantage of it.
[buzen so rarely argues - he doesn't really feel strongly about anything - but he has been arguing so much today. it feels wrong. but at the same time, it feels important.
he'll rise so that he's standing next to her, watching her.]
... but I don't want today and this place to be part of the reason why you don't want to try to be kind, or to try caring for people. I know it's - a lot. Like following a lot of strings. [they'd just talked about this, before everything got tangled]
But you deserve people who'll fight to treat you right, Shen-san.
it's instinct to protect herself. before, anything that made her feel this amount of emotion was dangerous, and so it had to go. but here, she doesn't have the adepti to tell her what to do, how to think. here, she only has her own thoughts - and the thoughts of others. and she has to decide what is worth keeping.
it's hard. it's hard for someone who never has. but she listens.]
... Is that possible? [she asks, after a long moment.] We are here to die, Buzen. To be killed, by each other. The nature of the game can't be changed.
You're right. And people are going to lie and try to protect themselves, or because they feel forced to. None of it's right and none of it's fair. It's like life, but way worse because everything about this system is trying to tear us apart.
[he's not going to sugarcoat it - because it's not that he doesn't grasp reality. he does. it's a tough, terrible situation for them all to be in and it is going to test them every single week.]
... but even if that's the game, it's not the people. We've known since the beginning that people could act and do this - but we've been caring despite that, right? Even in danger, kindness has a way of living on, because people want to be together. They want to choose peace. I really do believe that.
Every war I've ever been in, there have been people crying for peace and care and connection. I know it's difficult... but I don't want you to deny yourself that, if it's something you really want.
[and... he thinks it is. because after being isolated and away from everyone, and then after keeping all those emotions locked away - he knows just as well that the warmest ones are still the ones you yearn for most]
[her arms tighten a bit. it's a little like hugging herself.]
... I will make a decision tomorrow. [she says, after a moment.] I think... I think I don't have the information I need yet.
[she has to think, she has to sort out how she feels, and she has to see what the answer is before she can decide what she wants to do with people in the upcoming weeks. but. she'll try.]
[buzen nods at that, understanding. even though his fingers twitch for just a second when she seems to hug herself, like he wants to do what he can to help hold her together but - feels like he's still entirely lost that right.]
... okay.
It's nothing to thank me for, Shen-san. I just... [he takes a deep breath in, and then out] I know happiness can be hard to hold onto. I still hope you keep it close.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Not me.
[ . . . but also - ]
You can expect more out of people that you want to call out of your friend, Shen-san.
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[a pause.] That was the only question I had, I suppose.
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I don't... know what to say.
I'm sorry. I... tried, but I know it wasn't very good.
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You don't need to apologize to me. You did try. [she looked away, during trial, so he arguably tried harder than she did.] The nature of this game makes it so. I can't expect anything out of people that I grow to care about.
[a pause.]
I'm not angry about it. It just is the way it is.
no subject
[the answer comes out of him so fast - but then he second guesses himself, like he realizes that he's not sure if he's allowed to argue]
You should expect things of them. When you care about someone, you should be able to ask for things - like truth and care and loyalty. And they should be able to ask the same out of you.
[ . . . ]
It's this place that makes it wrong - that gives us stupid rules we have to follow. But I—
[he looks frustrated, guilty, and pained all at once]
... Shen-san, I thought it could've hurt you if I made the answer obvious. I thought it could've hurt everyone, because of the damn rules. But I don't want you to think for even a second that I wouldn't have told you and everyone as soon as I could, if I had the chance.
no subject
for a long moment, she just turns her face away, looks up at the cathedral again. there's a struggle, because there's something - she feels something, but she can't access it. it just rots instead.]
I don't blame you, Buzen. [because she doesn't. that's true, it's not his fault the game sucks.
and then:]
I don't know that I can afford kindness if people will only take advantage of it.
no subject
[buzen so rarely argues - he doesn't really feel strongly about anything - but he has been arguing so much today. it feels wrong. but at the same time, it feels important.
he'll rise so that he's standing next to her, watching her.]
... but I don't want today and this place to be part of the reason why you don't want to try to be kind, or to try caring for people. I know it's - a lot. Like following a lot of strings. [they'd just talked about this, before everything got tangled]
But you deserve people who'll fight to treat you right, Shen-san.
no subject
it's instinct to protect herself. before, anything that made her feel this amount of emotion was dangerous, and so it had to go. but here, she doesn't have the adepti to tell her what to do, how to think. here, she only has her own thoughts - and the thoughts of others. and she has to decide what is worth keeping.
it's hard. it's hard for someone who never has. but she listens.]
... Is that possible? [she asks, after a long moment.] We are here to die, Buzen. To be killed, by each other. The nature of the game can't be changed.
no subject
[he's not going to sugarcoat it - because it's not that he doesn't grasp reality. he does. it's a tough, terrible situation for them all to be in and it is going to test them every single week.]
... but even if that's the game, it's not the people. We've known since the beginning that people could act and do this - but we've been caring despite that, right? Even in danger, kindness has a way of living on, because people want to be together. They want to choose peace. I really do believe that.
Every war I've ever been in, there have been people crying for peace and care and connection. I know it's difficult... but I don't want you to deny yourself that, if it's something you really want.
[and... he thinks it is. because after being isolated and away from everyone, and then after keeping all those emotions locked away - he knows just as well that the warmest ones are still the ones you yearn for most]
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... I will make a decision tomorrow. [she says, after a moment.] I think... I think I don't have the information I need yet.
[she has to think, she has to sort out how she feels, and she has to see what the answer is before she can decide what she wants to do with people in the upcoming weeks. but. she'll try.]
... Thank you.
no subject
... okay.
It's nothing to thank me for, Shen-san. I just... [he takes a deep breath in, and then out] I know happiness can be hard to hold onto. I still hope you keep it close.