I always used enkephalin, but there's probably other stuff that works... it does make you hallucinate at first, though, you gotta build a little tolerance.
...uh... [hm. right. he was an object before.] Sort of like alcohol, but it's a lot stronger, and instead of making you emotional it just... dulls all of it.
[does he know what drugs are? is this a bad idea? HM.]
...I don't know, on second thought I'm not sure one of you guys could handle a bad trip.
...only temporary suppression, if you don't keep using it. I actually haven't in a while, but... it used to be the only way I could get through the day.
Going without is a little easier now. It's just an easy way to deal with them, if you can't make it work any other way.
[a little pause on buzen's end, but he'll squeeze netzach's shoulder in a little comforting gesture]
If it ever gets too hard... we don't have to talk about what the feelings are, if you don't want to but - I'll be around, you know. If you don't want to deal with them by yourself.
[the question surprises him a little bit - but he shakes his head]
... no, not really. Even if sometimes, it hurts - when you're used to cut down someone you don't want to. When you don't agree with the way a battle goes, but you don't have hands or a mouth to argue.
[his voice gets a little faraway when he says it, as though caught in a memory]
But even when I've had to cut down someone I like... I've never loved humans any less.
[mmm... he decides he needs to take a seat for this one, so he just finds a good spot and flops right down. floor time.]
...I kind of wondered whether it was harder or easier that way, I guess. I do have the capability to argue against it, but I still don't really have a choice in whether people die or not. I just have to fight them anyway, even if I hate it.
I never really thought about whether my sword might feel the same way or not.
[a moment or two of hesitation follows, there.]
Would it bother you? If the person using you to kill was someone who could barely work up the motivation to swing you at all?
[well - buzen just mirrors the action, going to take a seat on the floor as he thinks about it.]
... no.
[he says, eventually, even as he lets his face rest in his hand.]
Because you're still swinging. One way or another, you're still trying. If it was ever between my master or someone else, I would choose my master. That's part of being a blade, too. Even if we don't hate who we kill, we do love who we protect.
I find that a lot of the time... even in war, humans don't strike because they want to kill their opponent. They mostly just don't want their enemy to kill them. They don't want to be labeled a deserter or a traitor for refusing orders, and then lose their opportunity for food and pay. They don't want to be the one to die.
[he's leaning back against whatever he's resting against, looking up rather than at buzen.]
It's... more or less like that. I can't hate the people I have to kill, either, because it's the same for them-- they came looking for something important, or because they had no other choice. They have to fight just like we do.
I just want that to be acknowledged for what it is.
[and he'll just go to reach a hand out to netzach's shoulder, giving it a squeeze]
It's tough for the heart to carry. But... I'm sure that your sword is relieved to be with you in those moments, and to serve you so that you can be the one to survive. So that you can still fight on, whatever that looks like.
Every sword will mourn its owner, even knowing that you will be back, even knowing that it can do nothing but be at your side.
But it's in the same way that you share victories, you also share losses. You'll never be alone, as long as you keep it with you. And it... wouldn't give up that chance for anything.
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Fix how?
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I don't know what this means.
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[does he know what drugs are? is this a bad idea? HM.]
...I don't know, on second thought I'm not sure one of you guys could handle a bad trip.
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[THE SPEED OF THIS ANSWER]
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[NO DRUGS FOR MATSUI,]
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[PHEW.
but then he's a little quiet, thoughtful]
That's how you deal with it? Your emotions. [a beat] If you don't get any of that stuff here... are they gonna start coming back?
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Going without is a little easier now. It's just an easy way to deal with them, if you can't make it work any other way.
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[a little pause on buzen's end, but he'll squeeze netzach's shoulder in a little comforting gesture]
If it ever gets too hard... we don't have to talk about what the feelings are, if you don't want to but - I'll be around, you know. If you don't want to deal with them by yourself.
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[gesturing to the last bottle of beer he has in one of his jacket pockets.]
Might ask those guys if I can get any paint, or something... just work it all out on a canvas when I need to.
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Mm, guess so... but my offer will still be here! I just don't like leaving people alone during tough times, you know?
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[given that they're weapons and all.]
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I mean... I exist because of people, and I'm forged for them. Why wouldn't I care for them?
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... no, not really. Even if sometimes, it hurts - when you're used to cut down someone you don't want to. When you don't agree with the way a battle goes, but you don't have hands or a mouth to argue.
[his voice gets a little faraway when he says it, as though caught in a memory]
But even when I've had to cut down someone I like... I've never loved humans any less.
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...I kind of wondered whether it was harder or easier that way, I guess. I do have the capability to argue against it, but I still don't really have a choice in whether people die or not. I just have to fight them anyway, even if I hate it.
I never really thought about whether my sword might feel the same way or not.
[a moment or two of hesitation follows, there.]
Would it bother you? If the person using you to kill was someone who could barely work up the motivation to swing you at all?
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... no.
[he says, eventually, even as he lets his face rest in his hand.]
Because you're still swinging. One way or another, you're still trying. If it was ever between my master or someone else, I would choose my master. That's part of being a blade, too. Even if we don't hate who we kill, we do love who we protect.
I find that a lot of the time... even in war, humans don't strike because they want to kill their opponent. They mostly just don't want their enemy to kill them. They don't want to be labeled a deserter or a traitor for refusing orders, and then lose their opportunity for food and pay. They don't want to be the one to die.
How can I hate that...?
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[he's leaning back against whatever he's resting against, looking up rather than at buzen.]
It's... more or less like that. I can't hate the people I have to kill, either, because it's the same for them-- they came looking for something important, or because they had no other choice. They have to fight just like we do.
I just want that to be acknowledged for what it is.
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[and he'll just go to reach a hand out to netzach's shoulder, giving it a squeeze]
It's tough for the heart to carry. But... I'm sure that your sword is relieved to be with you in those moments, and to serve you so that you can be the one to survive. So that you can still fight on, whatever that looks like.
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[he's quiet a few more moments, before his mouth quirks into a rueful little smile.]
...I hope it doesn't feel too bad about it the times I die. It's usually my own fault.
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Every sword will mourn its owner, even knowing that you will be back, even knowing that it can do nothing but be at your side.
But it's in the same way that you share victories, you also share losses. You'll never be alone, as long as you keep it with you. And it... wouldn't give up that chance for anything.
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[but he also never really considered it might have feelings about these things, so like... he supposes it's a decent enough excuse.]
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Only if you'd like to. It's also understandable to a sword that in moments of peace, or when it's not needed, it doesn't always get to be there.
At least for me... I think that's the realistic thing.
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[now he just kind of feels bad for this sword he didn't even like. help.]
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