[the difference is now there is a clear physical manifestation of her feelings as opposed to before when he couldn't tell if something was wrong except for a hunch?
but even if she's mean, he shrugs. he's not offended.]
If you'll keep my secrets, I'll keep yours. I've already given myself to you to use... so I don't know if there's anything else I can do to prove that I just want you to be alright. [so,] I was hoping that'd be the difference if it's just us.
... and if your feelings are choking you... I don't think I'm supposed to just stand by and accept that either.
[ She can tell him what's going on with her emotions and what she does with them, but that doesn't mean she won't keep suppressing them. ]
You know a little of what my life is like. My family is neither normal nor functional. If I don't keep my emotions where no one can see them, I end up dead.
[ah - there's a moment of sharpness from buzen. not quite in his tone, but in the clear shift in tension in his shoulders as he starts - ] I'm not asking you to do anything to compromise your safety. I never would.
[ . . . ]
And I don't mean to ask you to change... or anything like that. If this is what you need to do to survive back home, then why would I do that...
But we're here, and it's different. Keeping things inside... it's what's making the flowers appear, right? [if he could hazard a guess] Even if there are things you'll hide from other people, I won't push you to be any different.
I'd just feel like I'd be failing - if I let you keep being inconvenienced when I'm supposed to be here for you.
[ . . . hmm. he holds his hand out to her, palm up, but keeps it resting against the counter. just in case she wants to take it.]
... but it's not good for you. Even if you say that, I can't accept it. I want you to be in good health.
[there's a slight pause, as he seems to weigh if he wants to continue, but.]
And... I also think there are things that people should face. Not just humans, but swords. I told you before that there are things I wish I could've done, to support my comrades better. To ease some of what they were holding, before it broke them.
I don't think things would have to change if you told me - but I can at least promise that it won't get any worse, no matter what you say. I'd like to not have any regrets, when it comes to you.
[ She looks at his hand, but she doesn't take it, not yet. She has been drinking poison for years. She is past the point of being in good health.
It's a sweet sentiment, though. ]
I already know what I have to face.
[ There is no coughing. It is true until she accomplishes her two goals, if they ever get to leave the prism. ]
I'm not honest with my feelings. That isn't the problem. [ It's not the main problem. ] I already know this about myself. I'm not running away from that.
[ It's just another self-destructive choice of hers. ]
[he's not in any particular rush - not this time, at least. he'll keep his hand held out to her even as he rests his chin in the other, tilting his head]
.... then what do you see as the problem?
And why do you think you need to keep being dishonest even with people who care about you and accept you for who you are?
What would you have done, if I were the one who killed Meteion? What if I had gone after Itsuki instead of Garou? What if I asked you to take those two lives?
If you hurt people important to me, my gut instinct would be to get angry. I probably wouldn't be able to let go of that feeling for a little while. But I'd still want to know why you did it, because you're also important to me.
And if you asked me to hurt anyone important to me, I'd still ask why. It wouldn't be the first time I've raised a blade to hurt someone I care about on a personal level. Sometimes it's necessary for the mission. It's what I did right before I arrived here.
I don't think any of those actions would exist without reason. That's why I trust you.
[ She's silent for a while. She sets her tea down. ]
Enough of what I do is self-serving. I would choose myself over anyone here. Those are choices I could make.
[ She looks somewhere behind Buzen before she looks straight at him. ]
I encouraged my oldest brother Fontaine to rebel against my father. I informed my father about my brother's revolt, and once my father puts that down, I am turning against him. I will make it so the household thinks my other brother Deon is behind it all once we succeed.
[ Why does she think she has to keep being dishonest? It's because she's dishonest. ]
but buzen listens, straightens up a little at the talk of revolt and rebellion because it awakens some old instincts, but otherwise doesn't seem surprised. roxana's said a little bit about her family. she liked one brother out of many, and her relationship with her father sounds tense. they're not really any men that buzen thinks he'd personally miss.]
[ . . . he hums thoughtfully to himself, but he finds himself coughing up a petal? it confuses him for a second before he moves to drop it off to the side.]
Ah, so it really is... [well, he shakes his head and offers up a smile]
... I hope you get to travel. If you can cross whole words, come visit. I'll take you to a quiet sea.
Kiyo-san would want to see you again too, I'm sure.
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. . . . buzen's expression just turns more complicated at this.]
... is it really worth it to keep coughing instead of just talking to me...?
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Wow, look, there's the tea they've newly been given. Wow, look, Roxana is setting about making some tea. ]
What is there to talk about?
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You're coughing purple flowers. [a beat] Umm, I don't know what kind they are...
But I feel like discussing it couldn't be worse than you feeling uncomfortable... Am I a bad person to talk to?
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It doesn't matter if you are or you aren't. There are some things I simply don't want to say.
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... well, I normally don't really want to push you. [ . . . ] But I think there are some things that should be faced instead of ignored.
Even if it's just us, you'd rather hurt your throat on flowers, Ro-san?
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Does it make a difference, even if it's just us?
[ she's so mean. ]
I don't need to talk about it to know what my feelings are.
[ she knows what she's feeling. she just can't do anything about it. or she won't. ]
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but even if she's mean, he shrugs. he's not offended.]
If you'll keep my secrets, I'll keep yours. I've already given myself to you to use... so I don't know if there's anything else I can do to prove that I just want you to be alright. [so,] I was hoping that'd be the difference if it's just us.
... and if your feelings are choking you... I don't think I'm supposed to just stand by and accept that either.
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What do you expect to change, if I say something?
[ She can tell him what's going on with her emotions and what she does with them, but that doesn't mean she won't keep suppressing them. ]
You know a little of what my life is like. My family is neither normal nor functional. If I don't keep my emotions where no one can see them, I end up dead.
[ It's all said very perfunctorily. ]
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[ . . . ]
And I don't mean to ask you to change... or anything like that. If this is what you need to do to survive back home, then why would I do that...
But we're here, and it's different. Keeping things inside... it's what's making the flowers appear, right? [if he could hazard a guess] Even if there are things you'll hide from other people, I won't push you to be any different.
I'd just feel like I'd be failing - if I let you keep being inconvenienced when I'm supposed to be here for you.
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You aren't failing me. I know you'll support me in whatever way you can. I can't undo years of my life in weeks.
[ And she doesn't want to. ]
A little coughing won't hurt me.
[ She's used to it. ]
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... but it's not good for you. Even if you say that, I can't accept it. I want you to be in good health.
[there's a slight pause, as he seems to weigh if he wants to continue, but.]
And... I also think there are things that people should face. Not just humans, but swords. I told you before that there are things I wish I could've done, to support my comrades better. To ease some of what they were holding, before it broke them.
I don't think things would have to change if you told me - but I can at least promise that it won't get any worse, no matter what you say. I'd like to not have any regrets, when it comes to you.
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It's a sweet sentiment, though. ]
I already know what I have to face.
[ There is no coughing. It is true until she accomplishes her two goals, if they ever get to leave the prism. ]
I'm not honest with my feelings. That isn't the problem. [ It's not the main problem. ] I already know this about myself. I'm not running away from that.
[ It's just another self-destructive choice of hers. ]
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.... then what do you see as the problem?
And why do you think you need to keep being dishonest even with people who care about you and accept you for who you are?
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What would you have done, if I were the one who killed Meteion? What if I had gone after Itsuki instead of Garou? What if I asked you to take those two lives?
[ She takes a drink of tea. ]
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If you hurt people important to me, my gut instinct would be to get angry. I probably wouldn't be able to let go of that feeling for a little while. But I'd still want to know why you did it, because you're also important to me.
And if you asked me to hurt anyone important to me, I'd still ask why. It wouldn't be the first time I've raised a blade to hurt someone I care about on a personal level. Sometimes it's necessary for the mission. It's what I did right before I arrived here.
I don't think any of those actions would exist without reason. That's why I trust you.
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Enough of what I do is self-serving. I would choose myself over anyone here. Those are choices I could make.
[ She looks somewhere behind Buzen before she looks straight at him. ]
I encouraged my oldest brother Fontaine to rebel against my father. I informed my father about my brother's revolt, and once my father puts that down, I am turning against him. I will make it so the household thinks my other brother Deon is behind it all once we succeed.
[ Why does she think she has to keep being dishonest? It's because she's dishonest. ]
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but buzen listens, straightens up a little at the talk of revolt and rebellion because it awakens some old instincts, but otherwise doesn't seem surprised. roxana's said a little bit about her family. she liked one brother out of many, and her relationship with her father sounds tense. they're not really any men that buzen thinks he'd personally miss.]
Will you be free, once your father falls?
Is that how you're choosing yourself?
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[ To both. ]
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Then I'll hope for your victory. If I can, I'll ask Aruji if I can use my free time between missions to be sent to you, if you need me.
[ . . . ]
Thank you for telling me, Ro-san. But I don't change my mind at all.
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You don't have to trouble yourself that far. It'll be all right. I'm almost untouchable at home.
[ Figuratively and literally. ]
I am bringing ruin to my family.
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[tilting his head]
And then what do you want to do after?
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I'll have to see how all the pieces settle first.
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You're chasing after your freedom without knowing what you'll do with it?
Mm... In an ideal situation then, where everything settles the way you want, what'll you do?
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[ The present takes a bit more of her mindspace than the future, and now she's dead? ]
I'll travel. I didn't have much opportunity to go where I please before.
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Ah, so it really is... [well, he shakes his head and offers up a smile]
... I hope you get to travel. If you can cross whole words, come visit. I'll take you to a quiet sea.
Kiyo-san would want to see you again too, I'm sure.
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