I did. There's pickles there. [so bitterly... he was too slow...] I think the one Yasu-san made for me is better?
[so he might start guiding her that way?]
Mm. It's important to figure out how to keep morale up, no matter how hard things get. [ . . . and honestly because he mostly just wants to acknowledge that he said they'd have something to talk about - ]
[ . . . proof of his existence. he'll get back to that, he supposes. they'll head over to the deda houses, which for buzen is really more of a campsite but that fits him too, he thinks. headed over toward the path that leads to the beach...
he turns to roxana even as he lets his hand rest over where hers is on the crook of his arm]
Hmm... It took a little talking about it -
But I think he accepts it. [lol] Or have you decided that you no longer have any use for me?
[buzen accommodates for the misstep automatically - was he expecting it. maybe a little - and smiles down at her even as his other hand hovers nearby to steady her]
He is. Suki's impressive. Though I feel like he'll also talk to you...
[ . . . gently amused. maybe it's nice, to actually surprise roxana her and there]
You didn't answer my question, Ro-san. You said you'd be my master until we made it to this side.
[ She has to recalibrate? Recalculate. Her expectations not being met isn't rare, but she had been so sure about this. She could sense the yan in that man.
She lets him steady her. ]
I'll talk with him.
[ She sighs, something soft and almost wondering. ]
[ He was to go with Itsuki, and they would part, but if Itsuki is who Buzen wants to be with all time but especially in times of peace, she supposes it makes some sense. ]
A mutual parting.
[ She knows that's speaking as if he were more human than sword, but it's easier that way. ]
I know you would adhere to what Itsuki wants, and I had no intention of interfering with that. I still don't.
[ . . . there is something almost wryly amused in buzen's gaze at the words that roxana uses. mutual parting?]
.... I don't think there's anyone I'd truly part from willingly, Ro-san. Especially not you.
[so the idea of him agreeing to that is a little silly. he was ready to have an agreement that went on into forever - until roxana truly no longer had need of him, and was wiling to let him go.]
You didn't think that I'd talk to him? Or that we wouldn't be able to talk through his jealousy? [he seems thoughtful for a second before admitting - ] ... I think that if he truly didn't want me to serve you, I would bend to meet him. You're not wrong that I'll put Suki first - as much as I can. I love him, and he was the first to ask me to even think about something like that.
[love, loyalty, what buzen can possibly feel toward humans once he's close to them rather than being distant. he had a taste of it just before he got here, what it was like to admire one human in particular, but even that was fleeting. having this much time with them... his heart has had quite a beating. it's gone through a lot.
maybe that's why he was able to open up a bit more about it. they approach the sea.]
... but you were the first to ask me about what I want, and how I can be more than what I was made for. He was the one who got me to think that maybe I could protect people instead of just hurt them. Wiku got me to actually try to be a little more... selfish, even if it feels strange to say.
So I think Suki understood - when I said that it's not that I want a master in general, that doesn't matter to me. I'm not looking to serve purely because I'm a weapon. But I want you to be my master. Because some part of it is... [hesitation. a little softer, a little more sheepish. funny, he'd already said this once, but saying it again is hard.] ... If it's about creating my own history, when I otherwise have none...
[if it is about asserting his right to exist - ]
I'd still want part of that to be with you. I trust you with me, all of me, and I want to see if you can come to trust me with you. Even if weapons normally don't get to choose... if I can - I'd want to choose you.
[ Forever is a sweet sentiment, but it's not a notion Roxana can attach herself to, as mortal as she is. In another life, she can believe in. Forever is another story.
She was ready to let go of him before he chose her. She can still let him go now. She doesn't want to, but she can. ]
I knew you would talk to him after I told you to. [ Buzen is good at following orders, at doing what others want of him. ] I didn't think you'd talk through his jealousy. I asked him about you, after you broke.
[ Itsuki is kinder than she is, and he is in love with Buzen. That he would agree to this is proof enough. Whatever this arrangement is, this platonic fealty, Roxana and Itsuki at least convene in wanting to Buzen to choose a little selfishness.
She casts her gaze to the sea, watching the water lap into the sand for a moment before she turns to face Buzen. ]
If you want to write your history with me as your master, that's what it will be. I will carve your existence where I see fit. There are no more chances to change your mind.
[ She speaks quietly, surely. There is no going back after this. She gave him and Itsuki both the opportunity to cut this off. In some ways, it is easier because Itsuki and Buzen love each other. In other ways, it's much too odd, but her life has lacked normalcy since she was born.
Then, something more genuine, soft enough to be carried away by the ocean waves: ]
... Thank you for choosing me.
[ To be chosen by someone who normally doesn't get to choose—
It's uncomfortable how much he has made her believe him. ]
[selfishness doesn't suit buzen. even now, he feels like that's true. it's not that he doesn't believe in wanting - he's aware of what the heart will do even without his permission and he's accepted that. it's that openness that tends to put him ahead of other swords - but buzen's challenge is something else.
it is articulating his wants, especially in the face of conflicting desires from others. roxana was ready to leave him behind as soon as they arrived on this side. itsuki wanted her to.
but it feels like something else entirely - to have both of these people so important to him telling him that it's okay. that even if it's inconvenient for them, he is still allowed to have his own wishes. wouldn't it be wrong to deny that care too? it's a question that buzen is still navigating. but for as long as they'll allow it - he wants to have this chance to find his own answer.
at roxana's softness, he meets with his own - the fondness on his face only grows.]
You are worth it.
Being beside you, and trying to be someone that you can rely on - it has been worth every discussion, and will be worth every task you put me to. Even if you expect nothing of the world around you, I still want to give you myself.
[he shifts to face her, reaching to take her free hand in his.]
Thank you for allowing me to - at least in part - be yours.
[ It has been a long enough day, and he is close enough now that if he's paying attention, he can see that there may be a bruise on her cheek peeking through fading makeup.
She lets him take her hand. She still doesn't know how he can say words like this. Even if he is a sword even if he is meant to be used and wants to be used in a way of his own choosing, it hits differently to be told she is worth it.
When she has, at times, been difficult on purpose. ]
I do not believe in luck or fortune, but I think I am lucky to have met you.
[ For a sword whose existence and history isn't so certain. ]
I am glad to have met you.
[ She is used to people devoting themselves to her but not in the way Buzen has given himself to her. ]
[the bruise manages to get buzen's eyes to narrow slightly - of course - but he supposes that he won't bring it up right away. if roxana wants him to cut someone, then he will.]
... Mm. I'm glad that our paths have crossed too. I hope we get to walk the same road for a while longer.
[as much as they can. roxana knows of how buzen devotes himself to his mission, so he doesn't think that he needs to say it. but it also doesn't change that when he does have the ability to choose, he would like to be by her.
with the hand that he's taken into his own, he lifts it just enough so that he can press a soft kiss to the back of her knuckles.]
We talked about it a while ago - and I'll admit that even now that I'm still trying to understand the nuances of love. But... I want to say that it's alright - I'm not afraid, and I don't particularly care about having my emotions returned.
But I do love you, in a way.
[it's different from itsuki, and different still from meteion... it might actually be closest to the way that he loves wicked but he will not say that out loud because he won't get in the middle of a mean girls fight,, but it is sincere and true.]
[ She knows his mission coms first. The execution of his Shimabara Rebellion mission is nothing she will forget when thinking of him. In that sense, she thinks they're similar.
There is very little reason for her to refuse to be his master, whatever her feelings may be. Logistically, it would be foolish of her not to accept, but if Itsuki refused, she'd prefer to sever an aspect of any relationship on her terms instead of someone else's.
She looks at him from under her eyelashes, and she has to wonder how he is the way he is. ]
Thank you. [ It's half an automatic and courteous response. To be told she's loved in this context is an odd feeling, but she doesn't hate it even if she's struggling with what it means because he's one of the few who has a better read of her.
It would be so easy for her to lie here, but maybe she is a little tired of it. ]
I care about you, too.
[ Much more than she wanted to or expected. Roxana does know what love is, but she tries hard not to now. It may be she has come to love Buzen in a way, too, but it is not as easy to pinpoint or acknowledge when she spends too much time in her head. ]
I don't know if I can say that it's love, but until I absolutely can't, I'll try to keep you whole and by my side.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
All the changes don't make any place stand out. Did you already see the ocean?
[ Even if the beach is now pickles. ]
I think the festivities are nice to counterbalance our weekends.
no subject
[so he might start guiding her that way?]
Mm. It's important to figure out how to keep morale up, no matter how hard things get. [ . . . and honestly because he mostly just wants to acknowledge that he said they'd have something to talk about - ]
So I talked to Suki like you told me to.
no subject
[ Usually. But she'd like to see his cute new house, anyway. ]
Did your talk with him go well?
PLEASE GO TAG BACK CRYSTAL WE'RE ALL SHAKING
I guess so... I'm not really used to it.
[people don't like. given buzen things. he thinks it's really cute and sweet but he actually doesn't know what to do with it?
that said - ]
I think our talk went as well as it could've... He did tell me that it made him jealous. Is that why you warned me?
I DID TAG CRYSTAL BACK..... IN A PC
[ It's just more proof of his existence. ]
That was part of it. I didn't think he'd accept it.
[ Itsuki would be very valid if he didn't accept it. Tell me he didn't accept it. ]
you're so mean
[ . . . proof of his existence. he'll get back to that, he supposes. they'll head over to the deda houses, which for buzen is really more of a campsite but that fits him too, he thinks. headed over toward the path that leads to the beach...
he turns to roxana even as he lets his hand rest over where hers is on the crook of his arm]
Hmm... It took a little talking about it -
But I think he accepts it. [lol] Or have you decided that you no longer have any use for me?
i responded
He does?
[ ... ]
He's more kind than he has to be.
thanks cries into my hotrox fanmade merchandise
He is. Suki's impressive. Though I feel like he'll also talk to you...
[ . . . gently amused. maybe it's nice, to actually surprise roxana her and there]
You didn't answer my question, Ro-san. You said you'd be my master until we made it to this side.
Am I being abandoned?
no subject
She lets him steady her. ]
I'll talk with him.
[ She sighs, something soft and almost wondering. ]
... When did I say I would abandon you?
no subject
that said, buzen tilts his head.]
... what would you call it, then? If you had intended to stop being my master once we made it here.
[to no longer take him as her sword. to a weapon that seeks to be used, it is in essence the same as abandonment.]
no subject
A mutual parting.
[ She knows that's speaking as if he were more human than sword, but it's easier that way. ]
I know you would adhere to what Itsuki wants, and I had no intention of interfering with that. I still don't.
I didn't think you would...
[ She shakes her head. ]
no subject
.... I don't think there's anyone I'd truly part from willingly, Ro-san. Especially not you.
[so the idea of him agreeing to that is a little silly. he was ready to have an agreement that went on into forever - until roxana truly no longer had need of him, and was wiling to let him go.]
You didn't think that I'd talk to him? Or that we wouldn't be able to talk through his jealousy? [he seems thoughtful for a second before admitting - ] ... I think that if he truly didn't want me to serve you, I would bend to meet him. You're not wrong that I'll put Suki first - as much as I can. I love him, and he was the first to ask me to even think about something like that.
[love, loyalty, what buzen can possibly feel toward humans once he's close to them rather than being distant. he had a taste of it just before he got here, what it was like to admire one human in particular, but even that was fleeting. having this much time with them... his heart has had quite a beating. it's gone through a lot.
maybe that's why he was able to open up a bit more about it. they approach the sea.]
... but you were the first to ask me about what I want, and how I can be more than what I was made for. He was the one who got me to think that maybe I could protect people instead of just hurt them. Wiku got me to actually try to be a little more... selfish, even if it feels strange to say.
So I think Suki understood - when I said that it's not that I want a master in general, that doesn't matter to me. I'm not looking to serve purely because I'm a weapon. But I want you to be my master. Because some part of it is... [hesitation. a little softer, a little more sheepish. funny, he'd already said this once, but saying it again is hard.] ... If it's about creating my own history, when I otherwise have none...
[if it is about asserting his right to exist - ]
I'd still want part of that to be with you. I trust you with me, all of me, and I want to see if you can come to trust me with you. Even if weapons normally don't get to choose... if I can - I'd want to choose you.
no subject
She was ready to let go of him before he chose her. She can still let him go now. She doesn't want to, but she can. ]
I knew you would talk to him after I told you to. [ Buzen is good at following orders, at doing what others want of him. ] I didn't think you'd talk through his jealousy. I asked him about you, after you broke.
[ Itsuki is kinder than she is, and he is in love with Buzen. That he would agree to this is proof enough. Whatever this arrangement is, this platonic fealty, Roxana and Itsuki at least convene in wanting to Buzen to choose a little selfishness.
She casts her gaze to the sea, watching the water lap into the sand for a moment before she turns to face Buzen. ]
If you want to write your history with me as your master, that's what it will be. I will carve your existence where I see fit. There are no more chances to change your mind.
[ She speaks quietly, surely. There is no going back after this. She gave him and Itsuki both the opportunity to cut this off. In some ways, it is easier because Itsuki and Buzen love each other. In other ways, it's much too odd, but her life has lacked normalcy since she was born.
Then, something more genuine, soft enough to be carried away by the ocean waves: ]
... Thank you for choosing me.
[ To be chosen by someone who normally doesn't get to choose—
It's uncomfortable how much he has made her believe him. ]
no subject
it is articulating his wants, especially in the face of conflicting desires from others. roxana was ready to leave him behind as soon as they arrived on this side. itsuki wanted her to.
but it feels like something else entirely - to have both of these people so important to him telling him that it's okay. that even if it's inconvenient for them, he is still allowed to have his own wishes. wouldn't it be wrong to deny that care too? it's a question that buzen is still navigating. but for as long as they'll allow it - he wants to have this chance to find his own answer.
at roxana's softness, he meets with his own - the fondness on his face only grows.]
You are worth it.
Being beside you, and trying to be someone that you can rely on - it has been worth every discussion, and will be worth every task you put me to. Even if you expect nothing of the world around you, I still want to give you myself.
[he shifts to face her, reaching to take her free hand in his.]
Thank you for allowing me to - at least in part - be yours.
no subject
She lets him take her hand. She still doesn't know how he can say words like this. Even if he is a sword even if he is meant to be used and wants to be used in a way of his own choosing, it hits differently to be told she is worth it.
When she has, at times, been difficult on purpose. ]
I do not believe in luck or fortune, but I think I am lucky to have met you.
[ For a sword whose existence and history isn't so certain. ]
I am glad to have met you.
[ She is used to people devoting themselves to her but not in the way Buzen has given himself to her. ]
no subject
... Mm. I'm glad that our paths have crossed too. I hope we get to walk the same road for a while longer.
[as much as they can. roxana knows of how buzen devotes himself to his mission, so he doesn't think that he needs to say it. but it also doesn't change that when he does have the ability to choose, he would like to be by her.
with the hand that he's taken into his own, he lifts it just enough so that he can press a soft kiss to the back of her knuckles.]
We talked about it a while ago - and I'll admit that even now that I'm still trying to understand the nuances of love. But... I want to say that it's alright - I'm not afraid, and I don't particularly care about having my emotions returned.
But I do love you, in a way.
[it's different from itsuki, and different still from meteion... it might actually be closest to the way that he loves wicked but he will not say that out loud because he won't get in the middle of a mean girls fight,, but it is sincere and true.]
no subject
There is very little reason for her to refuse to be his master, whatever her feelings may be. Logistically, it would be foolish of her not to accept, but if Itsuki refused, she'd prefer to sever an aspect of any relationship on her terms instead of someone else's.
She looks at him from under her eyelashes, and she has to wonder how he is the way he is. ]
Thank you. [ It's half an automatic and courteous response. To be told she's loved in this context is an odd feeling, but she doesn't hate it even if she's struggling with what it means because he's one of the few who has a better read of her.
It would be so easy for her to lie here, but maybe she is a little tired of it. ]
I care about you, too.
[ Much more than she wanted to or expected. Roxana does know what love is, but she tries hard not to now. It may be she has come to love Buzen in a way, too, but it is not as easy to pinpoint or acknowledge when she spends too much time in her head. ]
I don't know if I can say that it's love, but until I absolutely can't, I'll try to keep you whole and by my side.