[DON'T ADMIRE HIM ABOUT HIS WEIRD EXISTENTIAL DISCUSSIONS. He ducks his head a little, but mentions of their job make his mood settle into something a bit heavier again. His mercurial ass is always a hair's breadth away from sinking into the sea.]
...I suppose so.
[He hates it here!]
--Speaking of their job, though... I wish to discuss a matter with you. What's to be done if one of us gets that call?
[his own feelings mellow out at that, thoughtful. he'll shift in their little shared sleeping bag, i typed sharked at first. he'll let his gaze drift to the top of the warehouse which is painted red, i think.]
... Dee-san brought up a good point. If he turned it down, then would someone else have to kill instead? So even if I broke and said no, would that mean that you or someone like Ylfa-san or Nahi-chan would have to do it instead?
I think... if that's the case, I would just pick someone to duel with.
Matsui, by contrast, closes his eyes. His emotions are thick and heavy, like unmoved velvet curtains in a dark and quiet room.]
...There are no kind options here. The vast majority of us will either be erased, or have to erase another. Those who survive will carry thirty-six lives on their backs. There is no ability to spare anyone from suffering. Even those who have the burden of murder taken from their hands will still hurt to think that another has been erased so they don't need to carry it.
[Matsui has thought himself in circles for a while over this conundrum. He didn't have the room or bandwidth to really delve into it any earlier than Sunday, but since then, he's been turning it over and over in his mind. What would he do? What choices could he live with? What burden of guilt could he handle adding onto his own?
[buzen keeps his gaze focused on the ceiling as matsui talks about it, and his hand comes up to his hair, running through the strands of it idly. in all honesty, buzen wonders what the odds are that a team can be called on twice - but that's something that they won't know just yet.
in the end, matsui's right. no matter what they do, there might only be a team of four that'll succeed. it's such a small number. it's such a significant number. even if their battlefields have led them to killing far larger swaths of people, it's not like they don't feel every single life on their blade. matsui even moreso than others.
it's a tough decision - and yet, his attention is still entirely focused on matsui. worry, concern, and then the barely there whisper of loneliness. like someone who is already waiting to be left behind.]
... whenever you make a choice, just let me know. I'll do whatever you want me to, afterward.
[Imagine they just get hit up two weeks in a row. NO MORE BDSM DRAMA.
He feels the comfort of Buzen, and there's still that ever-present love in his heart, but there's something in him that feels like a growing distance, too. The more he thinks about it, the worse he feels, but it's something he has to think about because it's something that could happen, and he needs to be prepared, but it's paralyzing.
Catching that faint feeling of loneliness, his eyes open again and he looks toward Buzen's face. He doesn't have anything comforting to offer, though.]
...You, as well. Please let me know, if... If you ever end up in D's position. I want to know. I want to know what you would want from me, too.
that said. buzen thinks about it, and matsui will feel it. the hesitation. it sits right there next to his trust and love for matsui, so that has nothing to do with it. it's something else.]
... I don't know if I want to.
[his answer is soft and honest.]
I think you'd lie for me. [he thinks that matsui might genuinely choose him over others here.] And I know that'd hurt you.
[because that's selfish. it's the most selfish thing they could ever do - be two swords who already have had hundreds of years and still want more - and want that time together. buzen would lie for matsui. he knows that. it only depends on if matsui wants him to.
but matsui might not be able to withstand doing the same thing for buzen.]
But I think about if you were to be surprised by it too, because I wouldn't let anyone take the fall for me... and I don't know what would hurt you less. If anything would hurt you less.
[and it's a little funny - because buzen would want to take the burden of murder off of someone else's hands, true. that's one of the reasons he thinks he'd just take the duty on himself. the other is the simple fact that he thinks he wants every second with matsui he can get.]
[The hesitation doesn't surprise him, because he knows Buzen and he accurately pinpoints its origin before Buzen even speaks. It would hurt too much. Any option. Every option. Nothing would hurt any less, but he can already see the paths that Buzen might try to take in his attempts to do so.
He reaches out, resting his fingers lightly against the side of Buzen's face, quiet for a few long moments as he tries to put his thoughts into words. His feelings are doing their own thing far out of his control; heavy, heavy, heavy, from drapes to a lead blanket. Morose and resigned, pained and so very full of love.]
...I would want to. [It would hurt him badly to, but if he were to give into his most selfish desires, he would put Buzen ahead of every other person here. And that makes his heart sink into the mires of guilt that it's usually submerged in, as if admitting this aloud is akin to committing the sin already.]
Even if you didn't wish for me to, I would still want to. If you told me not to, I wouldn't. [But that would also hurt him so, so badly, because he's selfish and horrible and even after hundreds of years, Buzen is the one thing he doesn't want to let go of.
Regardless, the situation would end in Buzen's death, and that means that it would also end in Matsui's, because he won't shackle himself to an empty, cruel life. He doesn't hate Rang and he doesn't want Rang to die, but his care certainly doesn't extent that far. It would be painful for all of them, it would be difficult for all of them, and there's no way of getting around it.
Quietly:]
...I would like to know if the moments that I'm spending with you are the last, though.
[He treasures every moment he spends with Buzen, but the idea of learning of his guilt on a Saturday and looking back at everything he would have done differently otherwise doesn't sit well.]
[matsui's suffering has never surprised buzen. the extent of it does. feeling it for himself, this heaviness in his chest that makes it harder to breathe and even harder to speak - that catches him off-guard.
something in him automatically curls closer in response - this odd desire to take all of matsui's struggles right into his fist and throw it as far as he can get them. it's an impossible thing, but it will not be the first nor last time that buzen finds himself wanting for impossible things. maybe it's all he can ever find himself wanting. a little more time. a chance to be with everyone he loves. a way to save matsui from himself.
those vital, impossible things.]
... I haven't gotten the call. So I haven't decided, one way or another. If I do, I'll let you know. I promise.
[even if it means inviting that suffering - because if there is something matsui outright says that he wants, it is so hard for buzen to deny. the knowledge that buzen's time might be over... he can give that, he's decided. the idea that he might be complicit in buzen's crime? the alternative where he does not fight to his last breath to protect the person he loves? buzen does not know which knife to choose to dig into the heart of the person he cares for so dearly. so for now, while he still has the chance, he looks away. just for now, he tells himself.
he leans into matsui's touch and finally pulls his gaze away from the blood red ceiling to look down at him - all love and certainty. he shifts just so that he can let his lips brush against matsui's temple, aiming for reassuring. he hopes it can ease just some of that weight in his chest.]
I don't want loving me to be something that makes you feel heavy.
I don't want to give you just one more way to feel regret.
[Unfortunately, the weight in his chest coexists with the love in it, one not diminishing or beating out the other. His heart aches for how much he loves and adores Buzen, but it's heavy in the worst of ways when he thinks of this horrible situation that they are definitely going to have to face someday.
At the very least, there's a thin thread of something like relief that weaves through the muck of everything else when he hears that Buzen hasn't gotten the call yet. He doesn't think he could live through it, especially after the last week. He can only take so much.]
...Okay. I promise to do the same.
[Though he knows it's not really as weighty coming from him, because of course he would tell Buzen regardless, if only because not a single creature under the sky could convince him to not do what he wanted when it came to handling a situation like this. Not even Buzen, who he cherishes above all.
After the kiss to his temple, he just turns into Buzen and curls up, burying his face away.]
Love always feels heavy.
[But he says it with so much adoration that the heaviness doesn't even hurt. It's the tether that keeps him from floating away from the world and leaving everything behind, after all.]
[it's hard for buzen to relate - when for him, the feeling that he craves most is free-flying and weightlessness. like the wind that breezes through the eras, witnessing everything but never quite pausing long enough to be brought down. it's why the gous always feel like that uplifting breeze for him, a reminder that he still has to keep going, to keep moving, so that he can reach that place where all of them are.
matsui turns into him, and buzen shifts their positions so that he can wrap himself around matsui entirely, curling around him protectively. his face presses into his hair as he tries to understand each piece of matsui's feelings - so different from his own, even if the core of them are the same.
even know he knows that the simple truth is that they both love each other very much—and somehow that feels like both the problem and the solution.]
.... then I'll try to help you carry it, Matsu. That feeling.
Whatever happens, whatever you or I do—just don't forget that you mean everything to me, okay?
[He kind of wishes that it wasn't the case - that he didn't take up a spot in Buzen's heart, because he doesn't feel worth it. Unfortunately Buzen's just going to have to deal with his complex and painful form of love in realtime this week.]
...I know.
[He's selfish, so he accepts these words, and lets Buzen cloak him like a much lighter, more comfortable blanket than that of his own emotions. His hands grasp and cling, like he can anchor Buzen in return, even if he wants to be a more merciful weight.]
I'll be by your side, no matter what.
[Whether Buzen has taken a life, or he himself has, or either of them are facing their own erasure - whatever lies ahead, he won't let go of Buzen's hand.]
[buzen hums softly at that, and lets himself enjoy the assurance and the words both. a lot of the time, buzen doesn't know if he has the right words for people to comfort them - but at least he can be present no matter the darkness ahead.
and it's nice. to hear the same from matsui.]
Then there's not much else I could want or ask for.
[as long as they're together.]
We'll deal with everything as it comes, okay Matsu? Besides I don't know what the odds are that our team would get a call two weeks in a row... We'll just have to be careful of everybody else.
[Finally he's free enough of his Catholic guilt to focus on the possibility that other people are much more likely to be called on than they are, if only to keep the distribution of points more even. He's still concerned, but he's always going to be when this is the kind of situation they're in.
For now though, this tiny fuckin conversation has exhausted him emotionally especially since he's still recovering from the previous week, so he just sighs and closes his eyes. Goodbye world.]
--I'm going back to sleep.
[He loves Buzen but he also loves death's sister, sleep.]
buzen just snorts faintly at that, running his fingers through matsui's hair.]
Alright. Do you want me to stay here until you wake up?
[normally buzen is alright leaving matsui behind while he's still sleeping so that he can go off and do his own thing, but after the last week he's willing to linger a little longer if it means matsui's comfortable....]
If you wish. I don't want to keep you here if you would rather be moving.
[Buzen's always off doing his own Buzen thing and as greedy as Matsui is for his company, he's used to sleeping for hours after Buzen leaves. He would ultimately prefer being able to keep him trapped in this stupid sleeping bag for his own comfort, but he's so exhausted that he feels his sleep won't be fitful even if Buzen isn't holding him through it.]
[buzen hums thoughtfully but - well, matsui's emotions answer that for him. life is easier when buzen still misses some of his cues. but if matsui is feeling greedy for his attention then he will get it.
cuddling in more and getting himself settled in their stupid shared sleeping bag with shark pillow,]
[NOOOOOOO BUZEN CAN LISTEN TO HIS BUZEN GREEDY HEART NOW........ Matsui's ever-present guilt increases a little at that, but he doesn't feel so guilty that he'd try to make Buzen leave...]
...If you're certain...
[He says, still latched on, also making himself comfortable.]
[this is so funny - when the guilt increases, buzen will just lean down so he can press another kiss to matsui's hair, aiming for reassuring. the feelings are: so fond it's absolutely disgusting.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Seems like something to me!
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[FOR HIM MAYBE.]
But since we discussed the matter for such a long time, I never got around to asking my questions...
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[fondly though, and a little bit of admiration. matsui is truly so much smarter than buzen, who is a moron.]
But I think that's fine... They probably want to talk about more stuff than just answering questions about the job, you know?
So I think it's good for you to talk to them.
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...I suppose so.
[He hates it here!]
--Speaking of their job, though... I wish to discuss a matter with you. What's to be done if one of us gets that call?
[The one that D received.]
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[his own feelings mellow out at that, thoughtful. he'll shift in their little shared sleeping bag, i typed sharked at first. he'll let his gaze drift to the top of the warehouse which is painted red, i think.]
... Dee-san brought up a good point. If he turned it down, then would someone else have to kill instead? So even if I broke and said no, would that mean that you or someone like Ylfa-san or Nahi-chan would have to do it instead?
I think... if that's the case, I would just pick someone to duel with.
[WHY IS IT ALWAYS
SWORDS AND THEIR DUELS]
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Matsui, by contrast, closes his eyes. His emotions are thick and heavy, like unmoved velvet curtains in a dark and quiet room.]
...There are no kind options here. The vast majority of us will either be erased, or have to erase another. Those who survive will carry thirty-six lives on their backs. There is no ability to spare anyone from suffering. Even those who have the burden of murder taken from their hands will still hurt to think that another has been erased so they don't need to carry it.
[Matsui has thought himself in circles for a while over this conundrum. He didn't have the room or bandwidth to really delve into it any earlier than Sunday, but since then, he's been turning it over and over in his mind. What would he do? What choices could he live with? What burden of guilt could he handle adding onto his own?
He's still not sure.]
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in the end, matsui's right. no matter what they do, there might only be a team of four that'll succeed. it's such a small number. it's such a significant number. even if their battlefields have led them to killing far larger swaths of people, it's not like they don't feel every single life on their blade. matsui even moreso than others.
it's a tough decision - and yet, his attention is still entirely focused on matsui. worry, concern, and then the barely there whisper of loneliness. like someone who is already waiting to be left behind.]
... whenever you make a choice, just let me know. I'll do whatever you want me to, afterward.
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He feels the comfort of Buzen, and there's still that ever-present love in his heart, but there's something in him that feels like a growing distance, too. The more he thinks about it, the worse he feels, but it's something he has to think about because it's something that could happen, and he needs to be prepared, but it's paralyzing.
Catching that faint feeling of loneliness, his eyes open again and he looks toward Buzen's face. He doesn't have anything comforting to offer, though.]
...You, as well. Please let me know, if... If you ever end up in D's position. I want to know. I want to know what you would want from me, too.
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that said. buzen thinks about it, and matsui will feel it. the hesitation. it sits right there next to his trust and love for matsui, so that has nothing to do with it. it's something else.]
... I don't know if I want to.
[his answer is soft and honest.]
I think you'd lie for me. [he thinks that matsui might genuinely choose him over others here.] And I know that'd hurt you.
[because that's selfish. it's the most selfish thing they could ever do - be two swords who already have had hundreds of years and still want more - and want that time together. buzen would lie for matsui. he knows that. it only depends on if matsui wants him to.
but matsui might not be able to withstand doing the same thing for buzen.]
But I think about if you were to be surprised by it too, because I wouldn't let anyone take the fall for me... and I don't know what would hurt you less. If anything would hurt you less.
[and it's a little funny - because buzen would want to take the burden of murder off of someone else's hands, true. that's one of the reasons he thinks he'd just take the duty on himself. the other is the simple fact that he thinks he wants every second with matsui he can get.]
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He reaches out, resting his fingers lightly against the side of Buzen's face, quiet for a few long moments as he tries to put his thoughts into words. His feelings are doing their own thing far out of his control; heavy, heavy, heavy, from drapes to a lead blanket. Morose and resigned, pained and so very full of love.]
...I would want to. [It would hurt him badly to, but if he were to give into his most selfish desires, he would put Buzen ahead of every other person here. And that makes his heart sink into the mires of guilt that it's usually submerged in, as if admitting this aloud is akin to committing the sin already.]
Even if you didn't wish for me to, I would still want to. If you told me not to, I wouldn't. [But that would also hurt him so, so badly, because he's selfish and horrible and even after hundreds of years, Buzen is the one thing he doesn't want to let go of.
Regardless, the situation would end in Buzen's death, and that means that it would also end in Matsui's, because he won't shackle himself to an empty, cruel life. He doesn't hate Rang and he doesn't want Rang to die, but his care certainly doesn't extent that far. It would be painful for all of them, it would be difficult for all of them, and there's no way of getting around it.
Quietly:]
...I would like to know if the moments that I'm spending with you are the last, though.
[He treasures every moment he spends with Buzen, but the idea of learning of his guilt on a Saturday and looking back at everything he would have done differently otherwise doesn't sit well.]
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something in him automatically curls closer in response - this odd desire to take all of matsui's struggles right into his fist and throw it as far as he can get them. it's an impossible thing, but it will not be the first nor last time that buzen finds himself wanting for impossible things. maybe it's all he can ever find himself wanting. a little more time. a chance to be with everyone he loves. a way to save matsui from himself.
those vital, impossible things.]
... I haven't gotten the call. So I haven't decided, one way or another. If I do, I'll let you know. I promise.
[even if it means inviting that suffering - because if there is something matsui outright says that he wants, it is so hard for buzen to deny. the knowledge that buzen's time might be over... he can give that, he's decided. the idea that he might be complicit in buzen's crime? the alternative where he does not fight to his last breath to protect the person he loves? buzen does not know which knife to choose to dig into the heart of the person he cares for so dearly. so for now, while he still has the chance, he looks away. just for now, he tells himself.
he leans into matsui's touch and finally pulls his gaze away from the blood red ceiling to look down at him - all love and certainty. he shifts just so that he can let his lips brush against matsui's temple, aiming for reassuring. he hopes it can ease just some of that weight in his chest.]
I don't want loving me to be something that makes you feel heavy.
I don't want to give you just one more way to feel regret.
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At the very least, there's a thin thread of something like relief that weaves through the muck of everything else when he hears that Buzen hasn't gotten the call yet. He doesn't think he could live through it, especially after the last week. He can only take so much.]
...Okay. I promise to do the same.
[Though he knows it's not really as weighty coming from him, because of course he would tell Buzen regardless, if only because not a single creature under the sky could convince him to not do what he wanted when it came to handling a situation like this. Not even Buzen, who he cherishes above all.
After the kiss to his temple, he just turns into Buzen and curls up, burying his face away.]
Love always feels heavy.
[But he says it with so much adoration that the heaviness doesn't even hurt. It's the tether that keeps him from floating away from the world and leaving everything behind, after all.]
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matsui turns into him, and buzen shifts their positions so that he can wrap himself around matsui entirely, curling around him protectively. his face presses into his hair as he tries to understand each piece of matsui's feelings - so different from his own, even if the core of them are the same.
even know he knows that the simple truth is that they both love each other very much—and somehow that feels like both the problem and the solution.]
.... then I'll try to help you carry it, Matsu. That feeling.
Whatever happens, whatever you or I do—just don't forget that you mean everything to me, okay?
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...I know.
[He's selfish, so he accepts these words, and lets Buzen cloak him like a much lighter, more comfortable blanket than that of his own emotions. His hands grasp and cling, like he can anchor Buzen in return, even if he wants to be a more merciful weight.]
I'll be by your side, no matter what.
[Whether Buzen has taken a life, or he himself has, or either of them are facing their own erasure - whatever lies ahead, he won't let go of Buzen's hand.]
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and it's nice. to hear the same from matsui.]
Then there's not much else I could want or ask for.
[as long as they're together.]
We'll deal with everything as it comes, okay Matsu? Besides I don't know what the odds are that our team would get a call two weeks in a row... We'll just have to be careful of everybody else.
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[Finally he's free enough of his Catholic guilt to focus on the possibility that other people are much more likely to be called on than they are, if only to keep the distribution of points more even. He's still concerned, but he's always going to be when this is the kind of situation they're in.
For now though, this tiny fuckin conversation has exhausted him emotionally especially since he's still recovering from the previous week, so he just sighs and closes his eyes. Goodbye world.]
--I'm going back to sleep.
[He loves Buzen but he also loves death's sister, sleep.]
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buzen just snorts faintly at that, running his fingers through matsui's hair.]
Alright. Do you want me to stay here until you wake up?
[normally buzen is alright leaving matsui behind while he's still sleeping so that he can go off and do his own thing, but after the last week he's willing to linger a little longer if it means matsui's comfortable....]
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[Buzen's always off doing his own Buzen thing and as greedy as Matsui is for his company, he's used to sleeping for hours after Buzen leaves. He would ultimately prefer being able to keep him trapped in this stupid sleeping bag for his own comfort, but he's so exhausted that he feels his sleep won't be fitful even if Buzen isn't holding him through it.]
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cuddling in more and getting himself settled in their stupid shared sleeping bag with shark pillow,]
Just for today, then. I'll stay in.
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...If you're certain...
[He says, still latched on, also making himself comfortable.]
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I am. Let me stay with you too.
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...Alright. Thank you.
[Time to go back to guilty slumber and pin Buzen here for another hour or two. :amen:]