[NOT THE TEARS ON HIMMM!!! After the kiss to his forehead, Matsui moves the hand that isn't holding Buzen's and cups the side of his face gently, fingers collecting any lingering dampness.
There's a pit of fear, for a moment - the feeling when a rollercoaster takes that first drop, like his stomach is bottoming out. He's afraid. He doesn't want to know, in some parts of himself, because the very few pieces he did learn were already enough to dig into him like pikes, holding him beneath the sea.
But there's duty and love which both push him past that fear. He strokes the side of Buzen's face.]
Yes. Allow me to bear this with you, in what small way I can.
[This is a terrible idea on this the last day of emotionshare Buzen's about to get walloped.]
[he sure is! but regardless, he just makes a soft sound. if matsui is sure, then it's not like buzen has ever learned to deny him. his own emotions quiet now, careful and somber. despite this, an undercurrent of guilt persists past his words]
... I left the cathedral because I didn't want to fight there. We found each other at the diner. She approached me as Fuku-sensei... I don't know how, but she looked just like him. The emotions were fearful though, and Kaizen, his sword, wasn't at his side. So I knew it wasn't him.
She said that the call threatened to take out her whole team if she didn't act—and I said, I understood. But she had to understand that if she succeeded in killing me... I didn't think our team would last much longer either. It would be hard for us to keep going. So it was her team, or mine, and that's why I had to fight.
[it's automatic, how buzen turns his head to press his lips against matsui's temple - he doesn't blame him, not in the slightest. but there is a sense of understanding there. buzen knew that he had to live... and yet he still failed.]
But... I couldn't attack her first, once I realized who she was. I thought it was the least I could do, when she was outmatched to the extent she was. [compared to him, a little weapon. she is still a civilian. despite everything, this is where he feels regret. perhaps choosing kindness was the wrong thing. perhaps this small mercy was what led to all of their downfalls.
even though, if he made it to trial, he doesn't think he would've let anyone take the fall for him either. were they always going to be cursed this way?]
I didn't expect her to blind me—and when we got to fighting, she must've gotten close enough to poison me. Even if I slashed at her, I wasn't able to aim properly... and before long, I was dying again.
[and without his sight, it didn't occur him to heal an affliction he didn't know was there.
buzen's emotions are subdued here - like wading out into a still pond. the ripples are minor, but the cold chill of his feeling of failure persists. in the end, he was no better than this.]
[Buzen is all somber and guilt, understanding and hurt from his own perceived inadequacies. Cold and still. It fills him with discomfort, like the frigid last breath of some dying creature in a winter's field.
There hasn't been a point in this week where Matsui has tried to reel in his emotions, partially because he doesn't know how. His heart feels too much at all times. There's a feeling like he might be trying for a moment, even so - a little slip of something, like Matsui's trying to hold himself in, but it's like trying to catch water when the water pressure is increasing by the second.
The feeling of grief and misery have yet to fully abate, even with Buzen literally in his arms, and it starts to surge again as he begins to lay out that night. He's heard none of this before, having sought answers and found nothing, so every piece of information is like the serrated edge of broken glass digging in to his hands. They're the same. They had both tried to give her the grace of kindness, and for himself, it had worked out. Their duel was about as fair as it could have been, when he was armed and she only had scissors. He had felt guilt for being unable to do anything but slay her like so many civilians before her, even if he never felt in the wrong for killing her at all.
But Buzen? Buzen had talked to her. Buzen had stayed his hand, offering her the first move. And this is what she had given him. There's a lot in this to be roiling with anger about, from the initial attempt at deception to the weight of one team against another and the depth of what that means.
There's a sharp spike of something furious, accordingly, but more than that, his mind paints vivid pictures for him like bursts of gunfire. He had been so helpless with his lost sight, even with the honed senses of a blade. Buzen held his hand and guided him to where he needed to go. When Buzen needed someone to do the same, Matsui was asleep, tucked away on a pew. What was it like, waking up that night? Knowing what that meant? What had he been feeling? What about when he was blinded? How much did he struggle? What did the poison feel like? Did it hurt? Was it agonizing? How long was it before death had taken Buzen away?
He thinks about the horse, and how small her hand had looked against it. How quickly such a large and furious creature had succumbed, weak, stumbling, the blood of its body betraying it, carrying lethal toxins to every cell, every nerve, every tissue with each beat of its heart. His hand drops from Buzen's face and moves to his chest, where it rests.
His emotions are gruesome and crushing - the sensation of being pulled to the center of a whirlpool where some enormous, violent shadow of a thing waits.]
So she was the one to carry you back.
[Something ugly and horrific tangles in his chest at the thought, the idea of her having walked right past them with Buzen's body.]
matsui's emotions are intense - always they feel like so much to be captured in this new heart of his - but the full force of them really is something that he didn't anticipate. he takes measured breaths even as matsui's angers overshadow his own, as subdued and muffled as they are. when matsui presses a hand over his chest, buzen's hand rest over it in turn - so he can easily feel every beat of buzen's heart.
whispers of buzen's own feelings escape as the weight of matsui's lays upon him, as if answering their call. surprise, regret, shame, uncertainty, regret regret regret. the barely remembered brush of fear, before it gets swallowed by a bloody, bloody acceptance.]
... when I couldn't keep my feet anymore - I asked her to. [he manages after a moment] I didn't want to die so far from you.
[and there is guilt that rises again, for being brought to a place that matsui held so dear. maybe he should've thought better of it, but even in those last flickering moments, it was all he remembered. all he wanted. i want to be next to you.]
I heard what happened to my blade more than I saw it—it broke, didn't it? Somehow... The weight of it shifted in my hand.
[ . . . ]
Well... she tried to be kind. She didn't want to give me a reason, because she said it sounded cruel... but she still wanted to assure me that I mattered - even though she chose to erase me. [a beat, and then heavy, as if something dropped in his stomach] Sometimes I forget that I shouldn't always hope for better, when it comes to humans.
[who might want to be soft and gentle, even when they do something cruel.]
[He grasps at each emotion that filters through their connection. The surprise, the shame, the uncertainty. That tiny flicker of fear. The regret. He wants to clutch each one, like it's another opportunity to hold close both Buzen and everything that makes him. Like if he sears the things that Buzen feels into himself, it might make a bond strong enough that not even death itself could sever it.
The force of Buzen saying that he had requested to be taken there hits him like a freight train, though. To think that Buzen had been there, unable to see, unable to even talk to Matsui through his forced unconsciousness... His fingers flex, digging into the fabric over Buzen's heart. He feels ill, off-kilter, and for a second, like he's becoming detached from his own body. Buzen feels so far away, suddenly.
It's what he says next that brings him whiplashing back. His blade, first-- That it had ended up in pieces in the canal, that he didn't even see what happened to it. Discarded like trash. As if it wasn't the most precious thing human hands have created. And then, she tried to be kind. Her reason was cruel. She said that Buzen mattered. I wouldn't kill a friend.
There's a supernova flare, a flashbang of cacophonous emotion, sick and writhing like a poisoned creature in and of itself. Matsui isn't the type of sword to hold hatred in his heart; he's more prone to melancholy and mourning. Still, though his fury is often short-lived, it's full of violent, righteous fervor. It's a howling, terminal bloodlust - the type of roaring blaze that could easily devour him and anything unfortunate enough to be around him.
Really, he couldn't blame whoever suppressed this.
His grip on Buzen's hand is probably painfully tight, and he doesn't seem to notice. It's like he's staring through Buzen for a moment - through his words, through time, back to the place and the moment where his future had been stolen from him for a reason Libby wouldn't even dignify him with. Cowardice. His entire body feels like it's buzzing, vibrating. Like the very blood in his veins wants to burst forth, repenting for being able to do nothing at all for Buzen and choking out anything that would dare do this to him in the first place.]
...Humans are-- unchanging.
[He's a caring person, but his view on humanity at large has always been more nihilistic, pessimistic. After what he's seen, how could he be anything but? This, too, is a human being a human. Striving to survive, to protect. Trying to absolve themselves of the weight of their sins, trying to justify what they've done, trying to run from their burdens - and if not run from them, then act like the outcome is worth the blood shed.
He wants to say more, but the words stick from the sheer force of the misery and murderous rage clogging his throat. Give him a moment to get back online girl help.]
[it's surprising - to feel this much fury on his behalf. maybe it shouldn't be, when buzen knows his own tendencies to be willing to do everything to defend matsui, and even the rest of his team. it's so much simpler to feel anger and defensiveness on behalf of others. even then - he didn't expect matsui's feelings to flatten him so entirely.
his pulse stutters with the sheer extent of it all, the fury, bloodlust, and despair all twisting together. matsui's tight grip grounds him in the moment, and buzen squeezes back, if only to try to hold tight onto matsui too. so he doesn't get lost in the fit of his own anger and emotion, even as buzen's own throat tightens up with the sheer force of his feelings. so in a moment where he cannot bring himself to speak, he moves forward instead. he presses his lips against the side of matsui's face, by his temple, the corner of his eye, his cheek - firmly just to ground him back in this moment where buzen is here with him, against all odds. where they've been granted not just their second, but third chance.]
Matsu. [softly, but firmly.] I'm right here, Matsu.
[assurances are all that he can manage, because - he doesn't know if he has any right to tell matsui what to feel. if this level of destruction is wrong, even if it speaks to a part of buzen that he normally doesn't listen to. the part of him that just as badly seeks out roughness and violence, if only for the thrill, even despite all the times that he chooses to be softness.
but when a blade is truly wronged, is it any surprise that their soul seeks to cut?]
[It's always hard for him to avoid getting swept up in the whirlwind of his own heart, and even Buzen's voice is just a barely-there rope that he can hardly make out. He grasps for it anyway, though. There isn't anything more that he can do. He had already spilled blood in return for blood, even though it was the life of one instead of the lives of three. It felt even enough to him, at the time.
That instinctive urge to slash and spill is so strong within him in the moment, though. Maybe it's a good thing that she hadn't said anything. If he had learned this, unable to feel the sharpness of his own bloodthirst, it would have only slammed into him even harder whenever it did come back.
It's still a few more seconds before his eyes drift back, catching Buzen's like he's woken from a dream. He speaks as though dazed, even if his words are clear.]
...I do not have it in this heart to forgive her, Buzen.
[Even if she tried to be kind, even if she had her reasons, even if she didn't want for Buzen to suffer. Everything about this riles him to the very core of his horrible, bleeding heart, and he knows he'll find no mercy there.]
[ . . . well, it's not like buzen can't understand that much. the words actually let him exhale ever so slightly - to hear that matsui, who buzen always finds to be much kinder than he is when it comes down to it, is struggling with forgiveness too then... maybe it's okay for buzen's emotions to match. the laugh that leaves him is more of a shaky exhale, uncertain.]
... right now, I don't either.
[and for that, a little pulse of guilt hits. buzen normally tries to accept people for all that they are, even though sometimes they might annoy or frustrate him. emosaku was someone that earned buzen's ire, after all that he did, but it's not like he didn't understand or try to understand.
for libby, buzen understands. he doesn't fault her for trying to survive. but understanding doesn't mean that his feelings align, as much as they'd like to. and these feelings aren't on his own behalf, but for the fact that matsui and rang followed after him so soon. he holds matsui closer to him then, pressing a kiss to his hair. buzen has already been lost to history - he doesn't mind if he's broken, forgotten, or discarded. even if those things hurt, he can understand them. he can forgive them. he's no one important.
but matsui and rang - they're important. they had lives and legacies outside of him, and didn't deserve to be put in jeopardy. all the choices that could be made on a thursday would hurt. this just feels like an especially cruel one.]
You don't have to, Matsu. I have trouble forgiving anyone that hurts you either. I don't think that's wrong.
[There may be some ways in which Buzen is less kind, but Matsui can also be more vengeful, less forgiving and crueler when at his worst. No one has ever taken something so precious from him before, because he holds on to very few things with such a jealous intensity, and it's truly stoking something awful in him on top of these new details he's learned.
The guilt that he feels from Buzen makes him want to hide him away from the world that would make him feel this way, makes him want to take the hurt from him because he deserves none of it, but he can't do anything that significant. He can only hold his hand so tightly, hold Buzen's body to his own. His heart isn't always a kind one, but it's overflowing with love and sorrow and fury.]
...I don't-- wish to feel this way... [He wishes that he could be kinder, more forgiving, especially when he has so much to atone for, himself. Buzen had said "right now", but Matsui knows that for him, he'll never find that forgiveness.]
But it is the way that I feel. You are too important, too dear. To think she would say and do these things... I will hold onto it, even if you decide at some point to offer her forgiveness.
[There's a twist of something unpleasant in him at the thought of that, but it's because he simply thinks Buzen is far too good to offer anything even remotely kind to a person who would tell him he mattered before stripping him of his agency and life. The vibes are hellishly rancid about it. Thinking about how he felt so much bad shit so intensely that a shark ate him.]
[buzen lets them remain there for a moment longer - before he just gives up on staying upright and lets the two of them fall against the bed, even as he holds matsui in his arms. he gently rolls them over just so that matsui can be on the bed, and buzen can lay on top of him as though that'd be enough to shield matsui from the rest of the world that's caused him so much pain. as if that'll be enough to end the loss, the curses, the absolute misery that's been inflicted on them both -
but buzen bounces back from misery, if only for the sake of holding it together for other people. it's what he's gotten good at. hiding away those parts that hurt, even if they're still there once the airs of assurance are brushed aside. even though right now, they're still present.
the affection and adoration he feels for matsui is stronger though. this all-encompassing love that he hopes can be felt, even as he nuzzles in close against matsui's cheek]
I love you as you are, Matsu. [the parts of him that are so full of love, and simultaneously so burned by rage.] I don't think there's anything wrong with you, and what you feel. [how could he? when buzen is the one who said that everything only hurts so much because they love so deeply - which means simply that matsui loves even more strongly than buzen does.]
... I've been told maybe I don't look after myself much - but you care about me, right? I can feel it. So maybe it's the same way. If something hurts you, then I want to cut it - no matter what the reason was. It's hard for me to allow. We might be the same.
If you want to protect me as much as I want to protect you... then it's okay, if it's hard to let some things slide. I wouldn't give you up for anything, or anyone.
[even if it means that people will think that buzen is harsh or unforgiving. if he can't find a reason in moments when matsui is hurt, then he simply can't accept them. even his patience has its limitations. so isn't it alright, understandable even, if matsui feels the same way?]
[Funny how in just a day, he'll mention to Rin that Buzen's heart is so much bigger, wider, more beautiful and more full of love than his own. How that, with time, Buzen would possibly be more capable of some form of softness than he hismelf, even with so much stolen from him.
Even if he isn't aware of the extent of Buzen's lack of ego, he knows him well enough to understand that it's only the involvement of his team that brings out this type of sharpness at all. Buzen would never feel it for himself, which is just a part of who he is.
For now, with Buzen's weight over him like a blanket or a shroud, he lifts his arms and hooks them around his back, holding him flush, refusing to let anything tear him away again unless they take him, too. The love makes his heart ache. Buzen is truly like the sun to him, blinding and searing, warm and necessary.]
Of course I do. [Care about Buzen, that is. More than he cares for almost anything.]
I want to protect you from anything that would turn a blade against you. I want you to be safe - safe and happy. You... You, most of all...
[His hold tightens, and he kisses the side of Buzen's face, full of remorse and love.]
[buzen knows that this ache won't be disappearing any time soon - even as the days progress and the mood is able to lighten, it won't change the way that these moments have carved themselves into matsui's steel. loss upon loss, those moments when despair and heartache afflicted him when (and because) buzen was too far to provide any form of comfort. but if he can ease it, help assuage those fears in what ways he can, then buzen hopes that's enough.
he leans into matsui's hold and affection, soaking them all up for himself selfishly. partially for himself and reminders of what had nearly slipped out of his grasp, but also to let matsui know that this weight that buzen is forcing upon him is real. that he's right here, and has no intention of leaving again.]
I'm safe here, with you.
[even if they don't know when their erasure is coming, if they'll make it past these next five weeks, right now he doesn't feel threatened or scared. the uncertainty is something they can manage, as long as they're together.]
I'm already happier, with you. I'm always happier with you.
[There are a lot of weighty things balanced on the tip of his tongue that he miraculously keeps from falling. Things that he knows would hurt Buzen, even if Buzen already knows them - like you make life worth living, in a very real and literal way. His happiness with Buzen is absolute, in the same way that his misery without Buzen is.
He doesn't know how much safety he can really provide, when he fell asleep Thursday night without a single concern that he might wake up alone and had been able to do nothing, nothing at all, when Buzen's time was up. It causes his chest to ache, and he holds more tightly still.]
I will keep you safe and happy.
[It's what he says instead, because it's a promise he knows he can't make, so his intentions behind it are more: if I can't keep you safe and happy, then I have no need for anything anymore.
A few beats of silence pass where it seems like he might say something else, and eventually:] ...Can I see it? Your blade.
[buzen isn't the type to expect defeat - even on thursday, when he watches matsui and rang drift off into unconscious without him, he imagined only what he might have to say to them when they woke up. how he would have to ask them not to lie on his behalf, even though it would force their team into the same difficulty the second week in a row. what a terrible thing he'd request - but he never expects to be bested.
he hadn't drawn his sword since he arrived.
(maybe it is partially because while that blade is him, he also doesn't know if it's truly him. not when the buzen gou doesn't exist even in diagrams, no images to suggest what it might truly look like. what exists at his side is simply Most Likely him, but lacks certainty. but buzen doesn't like to think about how he doesn't know the shape of his own heart.)
shifting onto his side now, it makes it easier for him to still remain close to matsui while also removing the blade from where it's tied at his side. he unsheathes it and finds it comfortably whole again, clean of any blood or debris. he offers the hilt over to matsui to hold, and only after he takes it does buzen then bring matsui back into his own arms. a funny little experiment of holding and being held.]
Don't cut yourself on me again.
[the way he's talking about what matsui pulled when he was still blind and didn't believe buzen was in front of him - he doesn't even know the half of it]
[He takes the hilt gently and carefully, like he's truly holding a treasure of far greater worth than any national artifact. Seeing the blade whole and in one piece again, clean and unbroken, does ease some tangle of something in his heart, even though it's not the whole of it by a long shot. He settles into Buzen's arms with ease, gently placing his fingers against the flat back of the blade.
But then Buzen says that and HAHA. HAHAHA. Oh boy there is just a massive sledgehammer wallop of guilt, along with some shame and sorrow. He really keeps doing this to the person he loves the most. His gaze averts, away from Buzen, away from his blade.]
...I know that it was a cruelty to you, but I-- ...I had just wanted to be even a little closer.
[The way he just assumes Rang already mentioned something even though Rang is surprisingly tight-lipped about the ugly things he sees in Matsui.]
[it's admittedly moments like this that buzen misses his connection to his blade - being held by someone who treasures him does feel nice, even though it's not something they commonly ask for. he'll settle for this, though. one of his hands comes up to run through matsui's hair is gentle, idle motions - and he immediately ducks his head down to kiss his cheek when the wave of guilt comes.
even though he entirely misunderstands the meaning.]
You were already in my arms... but I guess you didn't really believe it was me at the time, so I can't really be upset about it.
[actually he can - and there's a whisper of that hurt that betrays the truth of his heart, thinking about how the person who he loves most in this world didn't believe he truly existed. it lacks teeth, no blame or malice, given the fact that buzen could never blame matsui for anything.
. . . but it does hurt in a way that lingers, even if the words refuse to leave his lips.]
That guilt just gets heavier, between the fact that he realizes Buzen is not in fact talking about the same thing he is, and then that little thread of hurt that he can pick up on. He said "I can't really be upset" BUT HE'S UPSET RIGHT THERE, MATSUI CAN SEE IT WITH HIS FEELING EYEBALLS!!!!
Even if there's no blame or malice, it still hits like a punch. Matsui looks back from where he'd been staring off at, looking toward Buzen's face.]
...Buzen. [A hand raises, careful, just barely ghosting against the side of his face.] You are.
[Unfortunately, Matsui is truly showing how blunt he can be this week, because not even Buzen escapes him plainly pointing out when words and feelings don't align.]
[not. he clearly wants to say it, but there's finally some hesitation. matsui wouldn't say this just to argue, and the longer that buzen sits here, thinking about it...
he closes his eyes instead and just lets his face hide away in matsui's hand for a second. so maybe he was a little hurt, still is a little hurt if only for the sense of fear that remains - like a scab that refuses to heal over. maybe one that can't, really.
[If he weren't holding onto Buzen The Sword with one hand, he would wrap his arms around Buzen The Person so he could hide his face away better. Matsui certainly isn't one to take the comfort of cover away, when he knows too well what it feels like to want to hide your face and not look at those who love you.
Instead, he carefully shifts - making sure not to nick either of them with Buzen's blade, because he's truly done enough bloodletting with it - and presses his lips against the opposite side of whatever he's currently hiding away against Matsui's hand.]
I've hurt you.
[The last thing he'd ever, ever want to do, but it seems like he's been doing a good job at only the things he'd never want to be good at, lately.]
...I'm sorry. I don't... know how to ease this.
[Considering he's the one who caused it, and the way he caused it isn't exactly something he can take back.]
[he'll accept the kiss easily - but once the apology and everything comes, buzen turns his face automatically to catch matsui's lips with his own. no more saying silly things... there's a slight wrinkle in his feelings, a frustration that isn't directed at matsui, but more at the situation than anything.
even if matsui can't get in any closer, buzen's arms are very free - and he'll just make there that essentially no space exists between them.]
It's not your fault, Matsu... [he frowns, like trying to figure out how to word what he wants to say] I'm more mad at the journey you went on for tricking you that way. Given how little we understood, it'd be harder for you not to believe it.
[ . . . ]
I just... didn't like what you believed. I didn't know what to do - when you didn't think I was me.
[to the point that he raised his voice about it, which he feels like he's not prone to doing...]
[Matsui wishes he could smooth that wrinkle out with his hands or his words or anything at all, rather than just sit here knowing that Buzen has been carrying this pain with him, quiet, and being unable to do anything to soothe it.
Even if it isn't his fault, he still harbors the guilt. He had been so wrapped up in his own hurts at the time that he hadn't even considered what that must have done to Buzen, whose entire existence is so tenuous that history itself has marked him as a Schrodinger-esque thing.]
...I didn't want to believe it was you and find you gone again.
[Which he knows is a pale explanation, not even an excuse, but he had been so afraid in that moment and so, so tired of waking up to Buzen's absence. Funny that it happened again anyway.]
[a little more softly, because - it really keeps happening, doesn't it? even with his blade whole and sturdy in matsui's hand, and how matsui is right back into buzen's arms... how many times does he have to suffer the loss of him?
he'll keep pressing idle kisses to matsui's face, as if it'll provide some kind of reassurance that really, sincerely, buzen isn't mad at him at all. he doesn't blame matsui.]
Maybe it's just what happens when we love each other so much... we're the easiest ways to hurt each other, too. Even in unintended ways.
[the same way that buzen's image was used to hurt matsui, then that same ricochet could lead to matsui hurting buzen... when he's one of the few entities in the world that could really cause him pain]
Even still - I'd never choose to love you any less. So... I don't want you to feel too bad about it...
[The idea of being capable of hurting Buzen just because of the depth of Buzen's love riles him a little, which is funny because he himself believes that his love and his pain go hand in hand, with the depth of the misery he feels being a quiet reflection of all his adoration.
He just wants Buzen to have the good of it all, but it does go against one of his core-most beliefs... Any love worth having will involve sacrifice.]
I'll feel as I feel about it, just as you will. ...There is nothing I want less than to hurt you. [Buzen already knows, he's sure, but he feels like he has to say it anyway.] But if great love and great pain exist together, I would inflict it on you, even still.
[He's really out here just torpedoing Buzen by loving him and being loved by him, and he's too selfish to ever stop.]
... when you say it like that, let's still try to keep the pain to a minimum, okay?
[HE'S NOT AN M!! but regardless - his feelings even out here, because the hurt is so hard to listen to when he does have matsui right here in front of him, proving every moment just how much he cares about him. how can buzen cling onto any unintentional harm when every active choice matsui makes shows his affection?]
But... I get it - and I can't say that I hate it... Getting a little closer to understanding how much you love me.
[even if his emotions get a little... embarrassed... uwoh.]
[Please they've both suffered enough. Matsui thinks that if nothing else, at least Buzen deserves a break, which means he gets one by default because his burdens always end up as Buzen's burdens, too.
He sighs, closing his eyes and pressing his face against Buzen. NOT HIS CUTE EMBARRASSED EMOTIONS... Even under the heavy mire of his own, there's a flicker of fondness because his Buzen is so perfectly adorable.]
I love you more than I could ever say... So even though this week has brought so little good with it, I am glad at least for this. I want you to know how much you mean to me, Buzen.
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no subject
There's a pit of fear, for a moment - the feeling when a rollercoaster takes that first drop, like his stomach is bottoming out. He's afraid. He doesn't want to know, in some parts of himself, because the very few pieces he did learn were already enough to dig into him like pikes, holding him beneath the sea.
But there's duty and love which both push him past that fear. He strokes the side of Buzen's face.]
Yes. Allow me to bear this with you, in what small way I can.
[This is a terrible idea on this the last day of emotionshare Buzen's about to get walloped.]
no subject
... I left the cathedral because I didn't want to fight there. We found each other at the diner. She approached me as Fuku-sensei... I don't know how, but she looked just like him. The emotions were fearful though, and Kaizen, his sword, wasn't at his side. So I knew it wasn't him.
She said that the call threatened to take out her whole team if she didn't act—and I said, I understood. But she had to understand that if she succeeded in killing me... I didn't think our team would last much longer either. It would be hard for us to keep going. So it was her team, or mine, and that's why I had to fight.
[it's automatic, how buzen turns his head to press his lips against matsui's temple - he doesn't blame him, not in the slightest. but there is a sense of understanding there. buzen knew that he had to live... and yet he still failed.]
But... I couldn't attack her first, once I realized who she was. I thought it was the least I could do, when she was outmatched to the extent she was. [compared to him, a little weapon. she is still a civilian. despite everything, this is where he feels regret. perhaps choosing kindness was the wrong thing. perhaps this small mercy was what led to all of their downfalls.
even though, if he made it to trial, he doesn't think he would've let anyone take the fall for him either. were they always going to be cursed this way?]
I didn't expect her to blind me—and when we got to fighting, she must've gotten close enough to poison me. Even if I slashed at her, I wasn't able to aim properly... and before long, I was dying again.
[and without his sight, it didn't occur him to heal an affliction he didn't know was there.
buzen's emotions are subdued here - like wading out into a still pond. the ripples are minor, but the cold chill of his feeling of failure persists. in the end, he was no better than this.]
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There hasn't been a point in this week where Matsui has tried to reel in his emotions, partially because he doesn't know how. His heart feels too much at all times. There's a feeling like he might be trying for a moment, even so - a little slip of something, like Matsui's trying to hold himself in, but it's like trying to catch water when the water pressure is increasing by the second.
The feeling of grief and misery have yet to fully abate, even with Buzen literally in his arms, and it starts to surge again as he begins to lay out that night. He's heard none of this before, having sought answers and found nothing, so every piece of information is like the serrated edge of broken glass digging in to his hands. They're the same. They had both tried to give her the grace of kindness, and for himself, it had worked out. Their duel was about as fair as it could have been, when he was armed and she only had scissors. He had felt guilt for being unable to do anything but slay her like so many civilians before her, even if he never felt in the wrong for killing her at all.
But Buzen? Buzen had talked to her. Buzen had stayed his hand, offering her the first move. And this is what she had given him. There's a lot in this to be roiling with anger about, from the initial attempt at deception to the weight of one team against another and the depth of what that means.
There's a sharp spike of something furious, accordingly, but more than that, his mind paints vivid pictures for him like bursts of gunfire. He had been so helpless with his lost sight, even with the honed senses of a blade. Buzen held his hand and guided him to where he needed to go. When Buzen needed someone to do the same, Matsui was asleep, tucked away on a pew. What was it like, waking up that night? Knowing what that meant? What had he been feeling? What about when he was blinded? How much did he struggle? What did the poison feel like? Did it hurt? Was it agonizing? How long was it before death had taken Buzen away?
He thinks about the horse, and how small her hand had looked against it. How quickly such a large and furious creature had succumbed, weak, stumbling, the blood of its body betraying it, carrying lethal toxins to every cell, every nerve, every tissue with each beat of its heart. His hand drops from Buzen's face and moves to his chest, where it rests.
His emotions are gruesome and crushing - the sensation of being pulled to the center of a whirlpool where some enormous, violent shadow of a thing waits.]
So she was the one to carry you back.
[Something ugly and horrific tangles in his chest at the thought, the idea of her having walked right past them with Buzen's body.]
And your blade? Did you see what happened...?
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matsui's emotions are intense - always they feel like so much to be captured in this new heart of his - but the full force of them really is something that he didn't anticipate. he takes measured breaths even as matsui's angers overshadow his own, as subdued and muffled as they are. when matsui presses a hand over his chest, buzen's hand rest over it in turn - so he can easily feel every beat of buzen's heart.
whispers of buzen's own feelings escape as the weight of matsui's lays upon him, as if answering their call. surprise, regret, shame, uncertainty, regret regret regret. the barely remembered brush of fear, before it gets swallowed by a bloody, bloody acceptance.]
... when I couldn't keep my feet anymore - I asked her to. [he manages after a moment] I didn't want to die so far from you.
[and there is guilt that rises again, for being brought to a place that matsui held so dear. maybe he should've thought better of it, but even in those last flickering moments, it was all he remembered. all he wanted. i want to be next to you.]
I heard what happened to my blade more than I saw it—it broke, didn't it? Somehow... The weight of it shifted in my hand.
[ . . . ]
Well... she tried to be kind. She didn't want to give me a reason, because she said it sounded cruel... but she still wanted to assure me that I mattered - even though she chose to erase me. [a beat, and then heavy, as if something dropped in his stomach] Sometimes I forget that I shouldn't always hope for better, when it comes to humans.
[who might want to be soft and gentle, even when they do something cruel.]
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The force of Buzen saying that he had requested to be taken there hits him like a freight train, though. To think that Buzen had been there, unable to see, unable to even talk to Matsui through his forced unconsciousness... His fingers flex, digging into the fabric over Buzen's heart. He feels ill, off-kilter, and for a second, like he's becoming detached from his own body. Buzen feels so far away, suddenly.
It's what he says next that brings him whiplashing back. His blade, first-- That it had ended up in pieces in the canal, that he didn't even see what happened to it. Discarded like trash. As if it wasn't the most precious thing human hands have created. And then, she tried to be kind. Her reason was cruel. She said that Buzen mattered. I wouldn't kill a friend.
There's a supernova flare, a flashbang of cacophonous emotion, sick and writhing like a poisoned creature in and of itself. Matsui isn't the type of sword to hold hatred in his heart; he's more prone to melancholy and mourning. Still, though his fury is often short-lived, it's full of violent, righteous fervor. It's a howling, terminal bloodlust - the type of roaring blaze that could easily devour him and anything unfortunate enough to be around him.
Really, he couldn't blame whoever suppressed this.
His grip on Buzen's hand is probably painfully tight, and he doesn't seem to notice. It's like he's staring through Buzen for a moment - through his words, through time, back to the place and the moment where his future had been stolen from him for a reason Libby wouldn't even dignify him with. Cowardice. His entire body feels like it's buzzing, vibrating. Like the very blood in his veins wants to burst forth, repenting for being able to do nothing at all for Buzen and choking out anything that would dare do this to him in the first place.]
...Humans are-- unchanging.
[He's a caring person, but his view on humanity at large has always been more nihilistic, pessimistic. After what he's seen, how could he be anything but? This, too, is a human being a human. Striving to survive, to protect. Trying to absolve themselves of the weight of their sins, trying to justify what they've done, trying to run from their burdens - and if not run from them, then act like the outcome is worth the blood shed.
He wants to say more, but the words stick from the sheer force of the misery and murderous rage clogging his throat. Give him a moment to get back online girl help.]
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his pulse stutters with the sheer extent of it all, the fury, bloodlust, and despair all twisting together. matsui's tight grip grounds him in the moment, and buzen squeezes back, if only to try to hold tight onto matsui too. so he doesn't get lost in the fit of his own anger and emotion, even as buzen's own throat tightens up with the sheer force of his feelings. so in a moment where he cannot bring himself to speak, he moves forward instead. he presses his lips against the side of matsui's face, by his temple, the corner of his eye, his cheek - firmly just to ground him back in this moment where buzen is here with him, against all odds. where they've been granted not just their second, but third chance.]
Matsu. [softly, but firmly.] I'm right here, Matsu.
[assurances are all that he can manage, because - he doesn't know if he has any right to tell matsui what to feel. if this level of destruction is wrong, even if it speaks to a part of buzen that he normally doesn't listen to. the part of him that just as badly seeks out roughness and violence, if only for the thrill, even despite all the times that he chooses to be softness.
but when a blade is truly wronged, is it any surprise that their soul seeks to cut?]
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That instinctive urge to slash and spill is so strong within him in the moment, though. Maybe it's a good thing that she hadn't said anything. If he had learned this, unable to feel the sharpness of his own bloodthirst, it would have only slammed into him even harder whenever it did come back.
It's still a few more seconds before his eyes drift back, catching Buzen's like he's woken from a dream. He speaks as though dazed, even if his words are clear.]
...I do not have it in this heart to forgive her, Buzen.
[Even if she tried to be kind, even if she had her reasons, even if she didn't want for Buzen to suffer. Everything about this riles him to the very core of his horrible, bleeding heart, and he knows he'll find no mercy there.]
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... right now, I don't either.
[and for that, a little pulse of guilt hits. buzen normally tries to accept people for all that they are, even though sometimes they might annoy or frustrate him. emosaku was someone that earned buzen's ire, after all that he did, but it's not like he didn't understand or try to understand.
for libby, buzen understands. he doesn't fault her for trying to survive. but understanding doesn't mean that his feelings align, as much as they'd like to. and these feelings aren't on his own behalf, but for the fact that matsui and rang followed after him so soon. he holds matsui closer to him then, pressing a kiss to his hair. buzen has already been lost to history - he doesn't mind if he's broken, forgotten, or discarded. even if those things hurt, he can understand them. he can forgive them. he's no one important.
but matsui and rang - they're important. they had lives and legacies outside of him, and didn't deserve to be put in jeopardy. all the choices that could be made on a thursday would hurt. this just feels like an especially cruel one.]
You don't have to, Matsu. I have trouble forgiving anyone that hurts you either. I don't think that's wrong.
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The guilt that he feels from Buzen makes him want to hide him away from the world that would make him feel this way, makes him want to take the hurt from him because he deserves none of it, but he can't do anything that significant. He can only hold his hand so tightly, hold Buzen's body to his own. His heart isn't always a kind one, but it's overflowing with love and sorrow and fury.]
...I don't-- wish to feel this way... [He wishes that he could be kinder, more forgiving, especially when he has so much to atone for, himself. Buzen had said "right now", but Matsui knows that for him, he'll never find that forgiveness.]
But it is the way that I feel. You are too important, too dear. To think she would say and do these things... I will hold onto it, even if you decide at some point to offer her forgiveness.
[There's a twist of something unpleasant in him at the thought of that, but it's because he simply thinks Buzen is far too good to offer anything even remotely kind to a person who would tell him he mattered before stripping him of his agency and life. The vibes are hellishly rancid about it. Thinking about how he felt so much bad shit so intensely that a shark ate him.]
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but buzen bounces back from misery, if only for the sake of holding it together for other people. it's what he's gotten good at. hiding away those parts that hurt, even if they're still there once the airs of assurance are brushed aside. even though right now, they're still present.
the affection and adoration he feels for matsui is stronger though. this all-encompassing love that he hopes can be felt, even as he nuzzles in close against matsui's cheek]
I love you as you are, Matsu. [the parts of him that are so full of love, and simultaneously so burned by rage.] I don't think there's anything wrong with you, and what you feel. [how could he? when buzen is the one who said that everything only hurts so much because they love so deeply - which means simply that matsui loves even more strongly than buzen does.]
... I've been told maybe I don't look after myself much - but you care about me, right? I can feel it. So maybe it's the same way. If something hurts you, then I want to cut it - no matter what the reason was. It's hard for me to allow. We might be the same.
If you want to protect me as much as I want to protect you... then it's okay, if it's hard to let some things slide. I wouldn't give you up for anything, or anyone.
[even if it means that people will think that buzen is harsh or unforgiving. if he can't find a reason in moments when matsui is hurt, then he simply can't accept them. even his patience has its limitations. so isn't it alright, understandable even, if matsui feels the same way?]
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Even if he isn't aware of the extent of Buzen's lack of ego, he knows him well enough to understand that it's only the involvement of his team that brings out this type of sharpness at all. Buzen would never feel it for himself, which is just a part of who he is.
For now, with Buzen's weight over him like a blanket or a shroud, he lifts his arms and hooks them around his back, holding him flush, refusing to let anything tear him away again unless they take him, too. The love makes his heart ache. Buzen is truly like the sun to him, blinding and searing, warm and necessary.]
Of course I do. [Care about Buzen, that is. More than he cares for almost anything.]
I want to protect you from anything that would turn a blade against you. I want you to be safe - safe and happy. You... You, most of all...
[His hold tightens, and he kisses the side of Buzen's face, full of remorse and love.]
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he leans into matsui's hold and affection, soaking them all up for himself selfishly. partially for himself and reminders of what had nearly slipped out of his grasp, but also to let matsui know that this weight that buzen is forcing upon him is real. that he's right here, and has no intention of leaving again.]
I'm safe here, with you.
[even if they don't know when their erasure is coming, if they'll make it past these next five weeks, right now he doesn't feel threatened or scared. the uncertainty is something they can manage, as long as they're together.]
I'm already happier, with you. I'm always happier with you.
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He doesn't know how much safety he can really provide, when he fell asleep Thursday night without a single concern that he might wake up alone and had been able to do nothing, nothing at all, when Buzen's time was up. It causes his chest to ache, and he holds more tightly still.]
I will keep you safe and happy.
[It's what he says instead, because it's a promise he knows he can't make, so his intentions behind it are more: if I can't keep you safe and happy, then I have no need for anything anymore.
A few beats of silence pass where it seems like he might say something else, and eventually:] ...Can I see it? Your blade.
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he hadn't drawn his sword since he arrived.
(maybe it is partially because while that blade is him, he also doesn't know if it's truly him. not when the buzen gou doesn't exist even in diagrams, no images to suggest what it might truly look like. what exists at his side is simply Most Likely him, but lacks certainty. but buzen doesn't like to think about how he doesn't know the shape of his own heart.)
shifting onto his side now, it makes it easier for him to still remain close to matsui while also removing the blade from where it's tied at his side. he unsheathes it and finds it comfortably whole again, clean of any blood or debris. he offers the hilt over to matsui to hold, and only after he takes it does buzen then bring matsui back into his own arms. a funny little experiment of holding and being held.]
Don't cut yourself on me again.
[the way he's talking about what matsui pulled when he was still blind and didn't believe buzen was in front of him - he doesn't even know the half of it]
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But then Buzen says that and HAHA. HAHAHA. Oh boy there is just a massive sledgehammer wallop of guilt, along with some shame and sorrow. He really keeps doing this to the person he loves the most. His gaze averts, away from Buzen, away from his blade.]
...I know that it was a cruelty to you, but I-- ...I had just wanted to be even a little closer.
[The way he just assumes Rang already mentioned something even though Rang is surprisingly tight-lipped about the ugly things he sees in Matsui.]
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even though he entirely misunderstands the meaning.]
You were already in my arms... but I guess you didn't really believe it was me at the time, so I can't really be upset about it.
[actually he can - and there's a whisper of that hurt that betrays the truth of his heart, thinking about how the person who he loves most in this world didn't believe he truly existed. it lacks teeth, no blame or malice, given the fact that buzen could never blame matsui for anything.
. . . but it does hurt in a way that lingers, even if the words refuse to leave his lips.]
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Oh no.
That guilt just gets heavier, between the fact that he realizes Buzen is not in fact talking about the same thing he is, and then that little thread of hurt that he can pick up on. He said "I can't really be upset" BUT HE'S UPSET RIGHT THERE, MATSUI CAN SEE IT WITH HIS FEELING EYEBALLS!!!!
Even if there's no blame or malice, it still hits like a punch. Matsui looks back from where he'd been staring off at, looking toward Buzen's face.]
...Buzen. [A hand raises, careful, just barely ghosting against the side of his face.] You are.
[Unfortunately, Matsui is truly showing how blunt he can be this week, because not even Buzen escapes him plainly pointing out when words and feelings don't align.]
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[not. he clearly wants to say it, but there's finally some hesitation. matsui wouldn't say this just to argue, and the longer that buzen sits here, thinking about it...
he closes his eyes instead and just lets his face hide away in matsui's hand for a second. so maybe he was a little hurt, still is a little hurt if only for the sense of fear that remains - like a scab that refuses to heal over. maybe one that can't, really.
so instead he'll just hide away for a moment.]
... Mm.... Maybe upset is a strong word...
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Instead, he carefully shifts - making sure not to nick either of them with Buzen's blade, because he's truly done enough bloodletting with it - and presses his lips against the opposite side of whatever he's currently hiding away against Matsui's hand.]
I've hurt you.
[The last thing he'd ever, ever want to do, but it seems like he's been doing a good job at only the things he'd never want to be good at, lately.]
...I'm sorry. I don't... know how to ease this.
[Considering he's the one who caused it, and the way he caused it isn't exactly something he can take back.]
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[he'll accept the kiss easily - but once the apology and everything comes, buzen turns his face automatically to catch matsui's lips with his own. no more saying silly things... there's a slight wrinkle in his feelings, a frustration that isn't directed at matsui, but more at the situation than anything.
even if matsui can't get in any closer, buzen's arms are very free - and he'll just make there that essentially no space exists between them.]
It's not your fault, Matsu... [he frowns, like trying to figure out how to word what he wants to say] I'm more mad at the journey you went on for tricking you that way. Given how little we understood, it'd be harder for you not to believe it.
[ . . . ]
I just... didn't like what you believed. I didn't know what to do - when you didn't think I was me.
[to the point that he raised his voice about it, which he feels like he's not prone to doing...]
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Even if it isn't his fault, he still harbors the guilt. He had been so wrapped up in his own hurts at the time that he hadn't even considered what that must have done to Buzen, whose entire existence is so tenuous that history itself has marked him as a Schrodinger-esque thing.]
...I didn't want to believe it was you and find you gone again.
[Which he knows is a pale explanation, not even an excuse, but he had been so afraid in that moment and so, so tired of waking up to Buzen's absence. Funny that it happened again anyway.]
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[a little more softly, because - it really keeps happening, doesn't it? even with his blade whole and sturdy in matsui's hand, and how matsui is right back into buzen's arms... how many times does he have to suffer the loss of him?
he'll keep pressing idle kisses to matsui's face, as if it'll provide some kind of reassurance that really, sincerely, buzen isn't mad at him at all. he doesn't blame matsui.]
Maybe it's just what happens when we love each other so much... we're the easiest ways to hurt each other, too. Even in unintended ways.
[the same way that buzen's image was used to hurt matsui, then that same ricochet could lead to matsui hurting buzen... when he's one of the few entities in the world that could really cause him pain]
Even still - I'd never choose to love you any less. So... I don't want you to feel too bad about it...
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He just wants Buzen to have the good of it all, but it does go against one of his core-most beliefs... Any love worth having will involve sacrifice.]
I'll feel as I feel about it, just as you will. ...There is nothing I want less than to hurt you. [Buzen already knows, he's sure, but he feels like he has to say it anyway.] But if great love and great pain exist together, I would inflict it on you, even still.
[He's really out here just torpedoing Buzen by loving him and being loved by him, and he's too selfish to ever stop.]
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... when you say it like that, let's still try to keep the pain to a minimum, okay?
[HE'S NOT AN M!! but regardless - his feelings even out here, because the hurt is so hard to listen to when he does have matsui right here in front of him, proving every moment just how much he cares about him. how can buzen cling onto any unintentional harm when every active choice matsui makes shows his affection?]
But... I get it - and I can't say that I hate it... Getting a little closer to understanding how much you love me.
[even if his emotions get a little... embarrassed... uwoh.]
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[Please they've both suffered enough. Matsui thinks that if nothing else, at least Buzen deserves a break, which means he gets one by default because his burdens always end up as Buzen's burdens, too.
He sighs, closing his eyes and pressing his face against Buzen. NOT HIS CUTE EMBARRASSED EMOTIONS... Even under the heavy mire of his own, there's a flicker of fondness because his Buzen is so perfectly adorable.]
I love you more than I could ever say... So even though this week has brought so little good with it, I am glad at least for this. I want you to know how much you mean to me, Buzen.
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