[This answer, at least, comes without any hesitation.]
Yes.
[Even if he's sorry that his love is a painful and heavy thing and he feels selfish for inflicting it on Buzen, his own love for Buzen is something he would never, could never regret. He releases his hold, but only so his hands can come to rest with a gentle care on either side of Buzen's face, where they rest like he's once more holding the most precious treasure in the world.
His expression - he's always had difficulty conveying his feelings through it, and even now, it can't convey the depth of his heart. But there's something bright-burning and intense in his eyes as he looks into Buzen's, sincere and fervent.]
There is nothing that would ever make me feel regret for loving you. Not in this world or life. Not in any other. I will always love you fully, with every piece of me.
[However ugly they are, however many pieces he becomes, however unfortunate it ultimately may be.]
buzen's expression softens then, appreciative of how quickly the answer came even despite everything else they struggle with. he sinks further into matsui's hold, eyes fluttering shut as he enjoys the certainty of his love, even when buzen's very own existence is such a tenuous thing. he sighs before moving to close the distance between them, letting his mouth find matsui's before nestling in close]
... I'll try to deserve that. I'll try to make sure that loving me is something worthwhile. So... thanks, Matsu.
[because buzen also knows that loving him is difficult in its own way]
You’re a traveler, and to these people, that’s all you’ll ever be. You speak with this man who doesn’t need to introduce himself - you know exactly who he is. Ota Dokan, the architect of Edo Castle, which withstood the tests of time and war to remain strong and steadfast into this modern day. You talk to him about all the beautiful things this world has to offer, and feel your heart warm knowing this person exists. He doesn’t ask your name, not that you would give it anyway.
(Not that it would matter. The Buzen Gou is already lost to history.)
You watch him join the men in building his creation, and promise them a grand feast at the end of their labor. It makes laughter spill from your lips before you can even stop it, and when Ame comes to get you, it almost feels too short. You say your farewells, and tuck this serendipitous little meeting into your heart. You hope that you don’t meet again.
Your friend is brought to his knees in a fight—and is just barely saved. Monstrous creatures come to his rescue and set him free. As the fighting dies down, it quickly becomes obvious to you as you step on the scene. On this day, Ota Dokan could survive. He could walk out of this battleground, and build so many more grand sights. He could help so many more people. He could enjoy life.
Your blade ends that dream abruptly. You cannot allow that to happen.
Ame—beloved, darling Ame who you treasure so dearly—tries to take on this responsibility from you. But Ame is different from you. Ame has never raised his blade against the very same humans that you’re sworn to protect. So you laugh it off, you tell him not to think about it, even though your inconvenient heart is beating painfully in your chest. Even though you understand a little bit more, why Tsuru-san said ‘you can’t complete missions like this unless you hate yourself’. Maybe you’re starting to learn to hate yourself. No, you can’t let him feel this. You can’t let any of the others feel this, for as long as you’re able.
You should be the only twisted blade that knows what it’s like to cut down the very same people you adore. You should be the only liar. ]
[Matsui doesn't often pry into the people around him, no matter how great his care or love. Cagey by nature, his natural inclination is to let people keep things to themselves, too - so he doesn't tend to ask about things like this. About missions. About what causes the shadows in the faces of swords who return from battle in other eras.
Maybe that's a mistake.
For the second time, he's realizing how much Buzen takes upon himself - not just for his sake, but for all of them. For Kotegiri, for Kuwana, for Murakumo, for Samidare. They're all swords. They all cut, they all bleed, they all bear burdens of varying shapes and sizes. But Buzen is always there, arms open. Buzen is always there, offering to share more. Taking the weight entirely, if he can - like he did here, with Samidare, who tried to claim the same first, still somehow too little too late.
The strike startles him in its surety and swiftness. It hurts, stirs up some deep and conflicted emotion. To smile so warmly at someone and take their life in the next moment... To kill someone after having such a human conversation with them, all for the sake of duty. He would never be able to. He could never possess that strength. Over and over again, he had failed to draw blood when it mattered, and yet, Buzen is shouldering that very weight.
In the wake of the images and sensations, poem lingering like the last vestige of rain, he eases his grip somewhat. It had tightened likely to the point of being painful while in the center of those memories.
He looks toward Buzen's face, eyes wide, quiet, trying to find his words.]
well, if there's something that buzen wanted to keep close to the chest - it's probably all that. he's open about a lot of things, sure, but he refrains from admitting so readily that he's someone who has killed friends. who will kill more friends in the future, if he has to. who still makes friends, even with the awareness that none of it is meant to last.
that it might be used against those very same people he wants to protect.
so he's surprised when matsui grips that tightly, and when he comes back to him then.... he just smiles sheepishly.]
... you might not believe me, but I'm really okay. [if matsui is worried about him? or - ]
Unless you're mad at me [for lying, for being so two-faced, for stabbing a human without an inch of hesitation] in which case... that makes sense too.
[The mere suggestion of his anger over this is what has Matsui feeling a flash of it - though not directed at Buzen. Never at Buzen. His hands do let go entirely, though, his expression one of apology before his fingers gently light on the same spot.]
I'm not angry.
[It's an act of deceptive brutality, in some lights. To some, it may seem two-faced. The lack of hesitation might seem like a horrific, monstrous thing. But even without feeling Buzen's emotions, he knows his heart - likes to think he knows it pretty well, in fact. He can see this as nothing other than Buzen taking on weight that he doesn't want others to carry.
Having to cut humans down is difficult. So difficult that it almost broke him, twice. Buzen had wanted to keep Ame from carrying these ugly burdens, even if it's an inevitability, some distant or near eventuality. There's a furrow at his brow, much more complex thoughts and feelings spin below the surface.]
...How can you be okay?
[Not accusatory. Weighted with anxiety and concern.]
now isn't the time for buzen to bring up that he thinks it's why he admires tsurumaru - to be able to laugh so brightly and guide so certainly, even though the other man must be at risk of falling off the edge at any moment. buzen had said that there are things that people need to face in order to reconcile their hearts, but maybe the easiest way would simply be for buzen to take on more of the burdens so the people around him have less to untangle. so when matsui asks, buzen hums faintly, a little lost note. he shrugs.]
... because I have to be, I guess.
[he can admit that he doesn't think too hard about it - not until he's alone, and can wrestle with his own sins. when matsui is in front of him, when ame is in front of him... it's easier to push aside.]
[There's something in his expression that seems briefly haunted when he hears that answer. Distant, like he's thinking back to another time or place.
It does nothing to ease his concerns and anxieties, but honestly, most answers probably wouldn't, so this is about as fair as any. His eyes close, just for a moment. He doesn't want to look at Buzen when he can't keep the weight and melancholy out of them, but he looks anyway.]
You wouldn't let him carry it.
[Ame. The burden of the so-called dirty work. Matsui doesn't want this burden falling on Samidare, either, so there's nothing accusatory in his tone. He just sounds tired in that sorrowful way he almost always is.]
[matsui won't look at him, but buzen watches his expression carefully. like he's trying to get an idea of how much this weight of understanding buzen further must be affecting him, how his opinion might be shifting. he brings a hand up just to run it through matsui's hair, to tuck some behind his ear]
I wouldn't. It was too soon after he was summoned. [he says, like that makes a difference]
... and wouldn't that be too sad? For one poet to have to kill another. I didn't want Ame to have to feel any of that.
[The impassivity that's often there still is, but the shadow cast over it is one of that same haunted melancholy. He'll never turn away any piece of Buzen, even if it's a hidden, jagged piece that Buzen never wanted to share in the first place. But it's a weight, certainly. One he'll gladly carry, like a stone in his pocket.
Anyway he's truly in a mood here so even as he looks back toward Buzen's face with such tenderness in his eyes, he only says:]
Sorrow is inevitable. There is no sword that can defend against the fullness of its weight.
["Not even you" is what's left unspoken here, which he says with love and heartache, because he knows Buzen's actions come from such a place of love, too. Buzen's love is such a radiant, beautiful and painful thing.]
You would take it all upon yourself if you could.
[Would still try even like this, even knowing it's temporary because they all understand how the world works.]
[and maybe this is where buzen is stubborn - so stubborn about the small things that it feels like he can do. taking on the burden of cruelty, if it means that he can ease some off of the shoulders of other gous. it's why he killed before ame, it's why he followed matsui into shimabara.]
Whatever I can take from you all, I will. And whatever is yours to hold, then I'll be at your side in case you need a boost.
[he leans forward to press a kiss to matsui's forehead, shameless.]
I'm not trying to end all the suffering in the world, Matsu. I know I can't.
I just want it to feel a little less lonely as we all walk through it. I don't think that's a bad thing.
[He doesn't think it's a bad thing either, necessarily. He just doesn't like the idea of Buzen taking more and more - how difficult it might be, at times, to tell just how much he's taken on, because he's so good at keeping some things to himself.
It's an internal dialogue that doesn't show in his face, the only thing giving away how troubled he is being the fact that he doesn't react to the affection with more in kind. HE'S TOO DEPRESSED EVEN FOR FOREHEAD KISSIES.]
...We are all very lucky to have you, Buzen.
[Somehow, it sounds like a mournful thing, the way he says it, and he looks at Buzen like he's looking at a casket at a wake. One that doesn't contain Buzen's corpse because that would be pure devastation and this is just normal levels of Victorian melancholia.]
[ . . . well, it seems like they both learned things about each other that the other would've preferred to never admit today. buzen can at least realize that much, when he meets matsui's gaze and wonders where exactly he went wrong.
he brings a hand up to his cheek and lets his thumb brush over his face, and tries to decide how much he regrets.]
... I'm sorry you learned something about me that you don't like, Matsu.
[Here, at least, he moves his hand without hesitation and curls it around Buzen's, holding it with a careful sort of tenderness. He leans his cheek against his palm.]
I love every part of you.
[Even the parts that hurt, or worry him, or upset him. There's nothing about Buzen that he would change, because to him, Buzen is already beyond compare. There are just some things he wishes he could do better to help with, even if he can hardly help himself.
There's a little beat where he struggles with whether or not he wants to say what's on the tip of his tongue. Eventually, he does, in some quieter version of its original sentiment.]
...I don't like that you would keep these things to yourself, but I understand that it's terrible of me to say so.
[buzen's small, answering smile says it all: 'glad you were first to admit it.'
but it fades slowly afterward as he thinks of his own answer to that. it's true that it probably hurts just as much, when he hides these things away from matsui and the rest of the gous. maybe moreso, because he doesn't even have any indication of his troubles - not like matsui's half-started sentences and how honest his face is.
buzen adapted to lying a little too well. in the space of his silence, he leans forward to press a kiss to the opposite cheek than the one he's holding. idiot sandwich but affectionate.]
[IDIOT SANDWICH BUT AFFECTIONATE... Even in the grip of depressos, Matsui is so weak to Buzen. He sighs, gripping the hand in his a little more tightly, though nowhere near close to being uncomfortable. He turns his head into the kiss, quiet.]
A trade...
[A little piece of weight for a little piece of weight, maybe, so that the weight itself is still equal and they understand each other that much more.]
...I want what you want.
[Most of the time, anyway. In this matter, at least.]
[buzen pauses for a moment, before smiling sheepishly. it's funny, how before he'd said with such confidence that he understood why matsui didn't want to open up about things that were difficult. but it resonates in such a more poignant way now, when it comes to buzen's tendency toward this specific type of secret - everything he hides behind a smile and an open heart.]
... I want to trust you and know you, and that feeling is stronger than the one that makes me hide things away.
[where if matsui really insists, and if they can come to get to know each other better in this way that's equal... then buzen is willing to relax his grip on what he keeps so close to the chest]
[There's a little bit of hesitation, despite what he'd said. He loves Buzen, he trusts Buzen, and if there was anyone in the world who he'd allow to know him in all of his ugliest ways, it would be Buzen.
But there's something quite scary about the sudden, too-real possibility of it as an Actual Thing and not a Hypothetical Thing. His gaze flicks to the side for a second or two, before darting back, belying his nervous energy.]
...I-- [...] We can... try. Together.
[Because right now, the feeling of wanting to trust and know Buzen with all of himself, and know all of Buzen in return, is stronger than the one that makes him hide things away. But he knows it isn't always going to be like that.]
[ . . . well, it's not like buzen didn't expect that. still - rather than the hesitation, he'll choose to focus on the acceptance. his expression softens, both gently surprised and very pleased that his trade offer was accepted.]
... then that's good for me, Matsu. So long as we try sometimes. If it's with you, then I'll do my best.
[there's a little pause - like he's unsure when to start. in the end, he can't help but feel like now, in this moment, when the desire is strongest... might be best. and yet he still can't quite ask matsui to go first, so what can he do but offer up some of his own truths?]
There's not much that I've kept to myself here. But I guess... even though I think you and the others are worth it every time - I'll always feel sad knowing that even if someone's my friend, that doesn't mean I won't hurt them.
[the complicated way in which people say it here - when even libby used it as a defense, when shenhe is so hurt about being killed by someone she called a friend. but for buzen, that distinction never means that they're safe from him.]
[Honestly Matsui hadn't expected that they would be delving right into it, and it catches him a little off his guard to be given such a quietly painful glimpse into the burdens that Buzen carries.
He reaches up again, fingertips of one hand resting very gently, very lightly against Buzen's cheek.]
...
[It takes him a second to find his words. He thinks of Buzen from that flash of memory, who had been so quick to raise his blade and end the life of someone who he'd already built a connection with in just a few moments together. Buzen is like that, he thinks - the sort of warm, bright sun that seeps into everything it touches. Someone to turn to. Someone to trust.
And that's part of what makes Buzen so uniquely dangerous. Unlike Matsui, who is an obvious threat in every way that he presents himself, Buzen is a softness that most wouldn't expect to strike. He'd been too out of his mind with grief to really listen to many of the conversations going on at trial, but if he'd registered the speculation that Buzen was too tender-hearted to raise a weapon when his life was at risk... He would have known the truth, and he wouldn't have thought overly-much about the impact of Buzen's battle-readiness, beyond it always being a sad thing when they rob humans of their lives.
But of course a person like Buzen, with such a wide and wonderful heart, would feel sorrow over this.]
...It's a painful role you've been given.
[A painful role he's taken upon himself, in some situations, to spare others. All of them suffer in their own ways over this mission they've been summoned to complete. This, he supposes, is the form that Buzen's comes in. One of them, at least.]
I wish... that I could do something, or say something that would ease the difficulty.
[in the end, it's something that buzen wanted to be fast about - a moment of truth that he's willing to share, now, in this moment, before it disappears quick as a flash. because in the end, he wants to keep his promise to matsui.
this one just feels harder than others.
even when matsui takes his time to answer, buzen just leans into his touch like it's the only thing that's keeping him up right. maybe right now it is. at his words, buzen lets a smile stretch over his lips. he's at least aware enough to admit - ]
I take it on myself. You can admit that I sign up for it a little, Matsu.
[the difficulty of what he does, so long as it means that he can do a little something for someone else. to make sure that matsui doesn't have to stand on a blood red battlefield alone, or to nudge ame out of the way before he has to learn the pain of cutting down a fellow poet. but.... since they are his reason, they may also be the best chance of saving him.]
... I don't want to say that I move on from everything that we do—there's a lot that I have trouble forgiving myself for, too. [he has a few catholic tendencies lingering,]
But... it doesn't feel as painful, once I make it back to the Citadel, and all of you are waiting for me. Like... I have to complete the mission, and do my job, or else I don't get to be with you. So even if it doesn't make anything lighter, it at least reminds me of why I think I can keep going, no matter the weight.
Except the things under their bandages are slow-bleeding. They're painful, weighty injuries that likely won't ever heal - not to the fullest extent, anyway, even if they scab or scar over.
The hand on the side of Buzen's face moves again, down the side of his neck and over his front until it comes to a rest over his heart once more. Feeling it beat away below his fingers has become something of a grounding action. Something to remind him that regardless of what has happened in the past and what may happen in the future, they're both here, now.
Silence, for the first part, BECAUSE BUZEN REALLY DOES SOMETIMES SIGN UP FOR IT but Matsui doesn't want to say it... Even if the silence in and of itself is telling.
Then, after a few seconds more of consideration:]
...Moving forward with that weight... [It's difficult. It's painful. Matsui isn't strong enough to do it, not always. Not even for Buzen, who he loves with every cell in his body and every speck of tamahagane in his blade.
But Buzen would be able to, because Buzen is strong, and his heart has so many of them to hold onto.]
--We will always be waiting for you. Even when the burden is hard to bear. Even when you take too much of it for yourself.
[he'll believe in that, for as long as he's able. to think that they'll keep winning their battles, so none of them end up broken or lost. that they all treasure this moment they have together as much as buzen does. that maybe, just maybe, matsui is willing to stay with them just a little bit longer if it means that at least they're all together.]
So I guess... that's what I'll ask for. As long as possible, just keep being here—so I can run back to you, and hold you, and remember what it's all for.
As long as I have that, have all of you.... then I can keep going.
[In this soft moment, Buzen's words don't feel like as much of a chain as they sometimes do. Maybe that will change, somewhere along the line - when his own weights are too heavy to bear and he wants to let go, but remembers this.
Even now, he knows he's a bit of a flight risk in an entirely different way from Buzen, and that's what gives him slight pause. Still... Eventually, he nods.]
...If that is what you wish for, then I'll stay with you. For as long as possible, I'll hold this hand. Whatever it is that you face - even if it's painful, and even if there are parts that you don't wish to share, if only not immediately... I can at least promise you this much.
[every time that matsui promises to stay feels like something a little too good to believe in - but buzen is a fool, and for matsui in particular, he wants to believe every time. so he does. his expression warms and he leans in to press their mouths together once again, like that'll seal this promise away.]
... I'll keep trying, Matsu. For you, I'll do my best, even if it's something I find difficult. Because I want to be good to you, if you'll try this hard to stay with me.
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Yes.
[Even if he's sorry that his love is a painful and heavy thing and he feels selfish for inflicting it on Buzen, his own love for Buzen is something he would never, could never regret. He releases his hold, but only so his hands can come to rest with a gentle care on either side of Buzen's face, where they rest like he's once more holding the most precious treasure in the world.
His expression - he's always had difficulty conveying his feelings through it, and even now, it can't convey the depth of his heart. But there's something bright-burning and intense in his eyes as he looks into Buzen's, sincere and fervent.]
There is nothing that would ever make me feel regret for loving you. Not in this world or life. Not in any other. I will always love you fully, with every piece of me.
[However ugly they are, however many pieces he becomes, however unfortunate it ultimately may be.]
[1/2]
buzen's expression softens then, appreciative of how quickly the answer came even despite everything else they struggle with. he sinks further into matsui's hold, eyes fluttering shut as he enjoys the certainty of his love, even when buzen's very own existence is such a tenuous thing. he sighs before moving to close the distance between them, letting his mouth find matsui's before nestling in close]
... I'll try to deserve that. I'll try to make sure that loving me is something worthwhile. So... thanks, Matsu.
[because buzen also knows that loving him is difficult in its own way]
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Maybe that's a mistake.
For the second time, he's realizing how much Buzen takes upon himself - not just for his sake, but for all of them. For Kotegiri, for Kuwana, for Murakumo, for Samidare. They're all swords. They all cut, they all bleed, they all bear burdens of varying shapes and sizes. But Buzen is always there, arms open. Buzen is always there, offering to share more. Taking the weight entirely, if he can - like he did here, with Samidare, who tried to claim the same first, still somehow too little too late.
The strike startles him in its surety and swiftness. It hurts, stirs up some deep and conflicted emotion. To smile so warmly at someone and take their life in the next moment... To kill someone after having such a human conversation with them, all for the sake of duty. He would never be able to. He could never possess that strength. Over and over again, he had failed to draw blood when it mattered, and yet, Buzen is shouldering that very weight.
In the wake of the images and sensations, poem lingering like the last vestige of rain, he eases his grip somewhat. It had tightened likely to the point of being painful while in the center of those memories.
He looks toward Buzen's face, eyes wide, quiet, trying to find his words.]
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well, if there's something that buzen wanted to keep close to the chest - it's probably all that. he's open about a lot of things, sure, but he refrains from admitting so readily that he's someone who has killed friends. who will kill more friends in the future, if he has to. who still makes friends, even with the awareness that none of it is meant to last.
that it might be used against those very same people he wants to protect.
so he's surprised when matsui grips that tightly, and when he comes back to him then.... he just smiles sheepishly.]
... you might not believe me, but I'm really okay. [if matsui is worried about him? or - ]
Unless you're mad at me [for lying, for being so two-faced, for stabbing a human without an inch of hesitation] in which case... that makes sense too.
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I'm not angry.
[It's an act of deceptive brutality, in some lights. To some, it may seem two-faced. The lack of hesitation might seem like a horrific, monstrous thing. But even without feeling Buzen's emotions, he knows his heart - likes to think he knows it pretty well, in fact. He can see this as nothing other than Buzen taking on weight that he doesn't want others to carry.
Having to cut humans down is difficult. So difficult that it almost broke him, twice. Buzen had wanted to keep Ame from carrying these ugly burdens, even if it's an inevitability, some distant or near eventuality. There's a furrow at his brow, much more complex thoughts and feelings spin below the surface.]
...How can you be okay?
[Not accusatory. Weighted with anxiety and concern.]
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now isn't the time for buzen to bring up that he thinks it's why he admires tsurumaru - to be able to laugh so brightly and guide so certainly, even though the other man must be at risk of falling off the edge at any moment. buzen had said that there are things that people need to face in order to reconcile their hearts, but maybe the easiest way would simply be for buzen to take on more of the burdens so the people around him have less to untangle. so when matsui asks, buzen hums faintly, a little lost note. he shrugs.]
... because I have to be, I guess.
[he can admit that he doesn't think too hard about it - not until he's alone, and can wrestle with his own sins. when matsui is in front of him, when ame is in front of him... it's easier to push aside.]
It's better this way.
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It does nothing to ease his concerns and anxieties, but honestly, most answers probably wouldn't, so this is about as fair as any. His eyes close, just for a moment. He doesn't want to look at Buzen when he can't keep the weight and melancholy out of them, but he looks anyway.]
You wouldn't let him carry it.
[Ame. The burden of the so-called dirty work. Matsui doesn't want this burden falling on Samidare, either, so there's nothing accusatory in his tone. He just sounds tired in that sorrowful way he almost always is.]
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I wouldn't. It was too soon after he was summoned. [he says, like that makes a difference]
... and wouldn't that be too sad? For one poet to have to kill another. I didn't want Ame to have to feel any of that.
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Anyway he's truly in a mood here so even as he looks back toward Buzen's face with such tenderness in his eyes, he only says:]
Sorrow is inevitable. There is no sword that can defend against the fullness of its weight.
["Not even you" is what's left unspoken here, which he says with love and heartache, because he knows Buzen's actions come from such a place of love, too. Buzen's love is such a radiant, beautiful and painful thing.]
You would take it all upon yourself if you could.
[Would still try even like this, even knowing it's temporary because they all understand how the world works.]
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You're right. I would.
[and maybe this is where buzen is stubborn - so stubborn about the small things that it feels like he can do. taking on the burden of cruelty, if it means that he can ease some off of the shoulders of other gous. it's why he killed before ame, it's why he followed matsui into shimabara.]
Whatever I can take from you all, I will. And whatever is yours to hold, then I'll be at your side in case you need a boost.
[he leans forward to press a kiss to matsui's forehead, shameless.]
I'm not trying to end all the suffering in the world, Matsu. I know I can't.
I just want it to feel a little less lonely as we all walk through it. I don't think that's a bad thing.
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It's an internal dialogue that doesn't show in his face, the only thing giving away how troubled he is being the fact that he doesn't react to the affection with more in kind. HE'S TOO DEPRESSED EVEN FOR FOREHEAD KISSIES.]
...We are all very lucky to have you, Buzen.
[Somehow, it sounds like a mournful thing, the way he says it, and he looks at Buzen like he's looking at a casket at a wake. One that doesn't contain Buzen's corpse because that would be pure devastation and this is just normal levels of Victorian melancholia.]
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he brings a hand up to his cheek and lets his thumb brush over his face, and tries to decide how much he regrets.]
... I'm sorry you learned something about me that you don't like, Matsu.
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I love every part of you.
[Even the parts that hurt, or worry him, or upset him. There's nothing about Buzen that he would change, because to him, Buzen is already beyond compare. There are just some things he wishes he could do better to help with, even if he can hardly help himself.
There's a little beat where he struggles with whether or not he wants to say what's on the tip of his tongue. Eventually, he does, in some quieter version of its original sentiment.]
...I don't like that you would keep these things to yourself, but I understand that it's terrible of me to say so.
[Given how fuckin cagey he is.]
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but it fades slowly afterward as he thinks of his own answer to that. it's true that it probably hurts just as much, when he hides these things away from matsui and the rest of the gous. maybe moreso, because he doesn't even have any indication of his troubles - not like matsui's half-started sentences and how honest his face is.
buzen adapted to lying a little too well. in the space of his silence, he leans forward to press a kiss to the opposite cheek than the one he's holding. idiot sandwich but affectionate.]
... I could trade you, if you want.
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A trade...
[A little piece of weight for a little piece of weight, maybe, so that the weight itself is still equal and they understand each other that much more.]
...I want what you want.
[Most of the time, anyway. In this matter, at least.]
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... I want to trust you and know you, and that feeling is stronger than the one that makes me hide things away.
[where if matsui really insists, and if they can come to get to know each other better in this way that's equal... then buzen is willing to relax his grip on what he keeps so close to the chest]
Is that okay?
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But there's something quite scary about the sudden, too-real possibility of it as an Actual Thing and not a Hypothetical Thing. His gaze flicks to the side for a second or two, before darting back, belying his nervous energy.]
...I-- [...] We can... try. Together.
[Because right now, the feeling of wanting to trust and know Buzen with all of himself, and know all of Buzen in return, is stronger than the one that makes him hide things away. But he knows it isn't always going to be like that.]
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... then that's good for me, Matsu. So long as we try sometimes. If it's with you, then I'll do my best.
[there's a little pause - like he's unsure when to start. in the end, he can't help but feel like now, in this moment, when the desire is strongest... might be best. and yet he still can't quite ask matsui to go first, so what can he do but offer up some of his own truths?]
There's not much that I've kept to myself here. But I guess... even though I think you and the others are worth it every time - I'll always feel sad knowing that even if someone's my friend, that doesn't mean I won't hurt them.
[the complicated way in which people say it here - when even libby used it as a defense, when shenhe is so hurt about being killed by someone she called a friend. but for buzen, that distinction never means that they're safe from him.]
Like I can never protect anyone from me.
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He reaches up again, fingertips of one hand resting very gently, very lightly against Buzen's cheek.]
...
[It takes him a second to find his words. He thinks of Buzen from that flash of memory, who had been so quick to raise his blade and end the life of someone who he'd already built a connection with in just a few moments together. Buzen is like that, he thinks - the sort of warm, bright sun that seeps into everything it touches. Someone to turn to. Someone to trust.
And that's part of what makes Buzen so uniquely dangerous. Unlike Matsui, who is an obvious threat in every way that he presents himself, Buzen is a softness that most wouldn't expect to strike. He'd been too out of his mind with grief to really listen to many of the conversations going on at trial, but if he'd registered the speculation that Buzen was too tender-hearted to raise a weapon when his life was at risk... He would have known the truth, and he wouldn't have thought overly-much about the impact of Buzen's battle-readiness, beyond it always being a sad thing when they rob humans of their lives.
But of course a person like Buzen, with such a wide and wonderful heart, would feel sorrow over this.]
...It's a painful role you've been given.
[A painful role he's taken upon himself, in some situations, to spare others. All of them suffer in their own ways over this mission they've been summoned to complete. This, he supposes, is the form that Buzen's comes in. One of them, at least.]
I wish... that I could do something, or say something that would ease the difficulty.
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this one just feels harder than others.
even when matsui takes his time to answer, buzen just leans into his touch like it's the only thing that's keeping him up right. maybe right now it is. at his words, buzen lets a smile stretch over his lips. he's at least aware enough to admit - ]
I take it on myself. You can admit that I sign up for it a little, Matsu.
[the difficulty of what he does, so long as it means that he can do a little something for someone else. to make sure that matsui doesn't have to stand on a blood red battlefield alone, or to nudge ame out of the way before he has to learn the pain of cutting down a fellow poet. but.... since they are his reason, they may also be the best chance of saving him.]
... I don't want to say that I move on from everything that we do—there's a lot that I have trouble forgiving myself for, too. [he has a few catholic tendencies lingering,]
But... it doesn't feel as painful, once I make it back to the Citadel, and all of you are waiting for me. Like... I have to complete the mission, and do my job, or else I don't get to be with you. So even if it doesn't make anything lighter, it at least reminds me of why I think I can keep going, no matter the weight.
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Except the things under their bandages are slow-bleeding. They're painful, weighty injuries that likely won't ever heal - not to the fullest extent, anyway, even if they scab or scar over.
The hand on the side of Buzen's face moves again, down the side of his neck and over his front until it comes to a rest over his heart once more. Feeling it beat away below his fingers has become something of a grounding action. Something to remind him that regardless of what has happened in the past and what may happen in the future, they're both here, now.
Silence, for the first part, BECAUSE BUZEN REALLY DOES SOMETIMES SIGN UP FOR IT but Matsui doesn't want to say it... Even if the silence in and of itself is telling.
Then, after a few seconds more of consideration:]
...Moving forward with that weight... [It's difficult. It's painful. Matsui isn't strong enough to do it, not always. Not even for Buzen, who he loves with every cell in his body and every speck of tamahagane in his blade.
But Buzen would be able to, because Buzen is strong, and his heart has so many of them to hold onto.]
--We will always be waiting for you. Even when the burden is hard to bear. Even when you take too much of it for yourself.
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[he'll believe in that, for as long as he's able. to think that they'll keep winning their battles, so none of them end up broken or lost. that they all treasure this moment they have together as much as buzen does. that maybe, just maybe, matsui is willing to stay with them just a little bit longer if it means that at least they're all together.]
So I guess... that's what I'll ask for. As long as possible, just keep being here—so I can run back to you, and hold you, and remember what it's all for.
As long as I have that, have all of you.... then I can keep going.
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Even now, he knows he's a bit of a flight risk in an entirely different way from Buzen, and that's what gives him slight pause. Still... Eventually, he nods.]
...If that is what you wish for, then I'll stay with you. For as long as possible, I'll hold this hand. Whatever it is that you face - even if it's painful, and even if there are parts that you don't wish to share, if only not immediately... I can at least promise you this much.
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... I'll keep trying, Matsu. For you, I'll do my best, even if it's something I find difficult. Because I want to be good to you, if you'll try this hard to stay with me.
It... really means a lot, you know?
[it means everything, actually.]
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