[He also thinks a lot of it is just good old-fashioned overestimation. No one really knows how they'll react to a situation until they're in deep, for better or for worse. Plenty of people had to come to some pretty ugly conclusions today, he's fairly certain.
Absently, he reaches up so he can card his fingers through the hair at the back of Buzen's head, propping his chin against his shoulder as he looks out into Ikea.]
It's troubling, being unable to help them in times like this.
[when matsui rests on him, buzen just holds him a bit closer, trying to keep him comfortable. he thinks about that sentiment - their inability to help humans during these troubling times and.
well.]
... I'm not all that bright, so I don't know how many answers or things I can help people with anyway. Most of that trial went over my head... I wasn't sure what was going on.
So I think that sometimes just... sitting people so that they're not alone is all I can do.
'cause it stings worse, I think - to be left with nothing but you, your thoughts, and the consequences of your actions.
[the contrast between this and what's happening monday is truly so funny
Anyway, those words hit and hurt a little just because of how true they are, as far as he knows it to be. Being alone with your thoughts and the consequences of your actions is a terrible thing actually!! He closes his eyes, quiet for a moment or two. Do you ever think about how Matsui has blood vision due to the sheer force of his trauma but also probably has nightmares so he's never at rest whether his eyes are open or closed because i do.]
...You're probably right. I think that comfort alone is better than nothing. [Giving him a light little nudge.] And yours is a comforting presence.
[ . . . buzen will just pause then, letting his fingers run through matsui's hair when he goes quiet. he doesn't rush him for an answer, and just hums faintly.]
So is yours, you know.
You're honest, and don't mince words - but you're not unkind about it. I always feel better when I get to be with you.
[Which is said less as a complimentary thing and more like something spoken on a sigh. He certainly wouldn't count his own presence as comforting. Far from it, honestly.
He rolls his head a little, thunking it gently against the side of Buzen's.]
[buzen laughs faintly, and his answer comes without much hesitation:]
I always see you, Matsu.
When you're at your best, and when you're not. [because he could never really get around to calling matsui the worst in any stretch of the imagination.] When you're willing to help out Kotegiri and support his dreams, and when you hate farm duty as much as the rest of us besides Kuwa unless the tomatoes are ripe.
... I'm not lying. I'd always rather be with you than without you.
[It's not that he thinks Buzen is lying, so much as he thinks Buzen is just... wrong. It's precisely because Buzen couldn't even call him the worst at his worst. Not a failing on Buzen's part; he just sees Matsui too kindly.
But he's too selfish to want to vocalize any of that right now. He just holds Buzen a little more securely.]
[buzen wouldn't call it selfish, exactly.... but he does find it painful, knowing he can't ask the same in return. it makes him feel something complicated and twisted, but that's fine, he thinks. it's a discomfort he can put away in favor of giving matsui what he needs.
so he doesn't let that emotion reach his face. instead, his calm smile doesn't budge and he promises:]
I won't. I know how hard you're trying to stay with me [even when the waves are at risk of taking him away any day now] so I'm going to try twice as hard.
[Matsui never feels adequate in most aspects of life, and especially when it comes to being enough for the few he loves and cherishes - Buzen most of all. In times like this it really shines, where his best and hardest work is such a pathetic showing.
He doesn't really know what to say to such a stunning display of kindness, so he doesn't say anything. He just curls himself in closer, holding Buzen like he'll be enough of an anchor for both of them.]
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[He also thinks a lot of it is just good old-fashioned overestimation. No one really knows how they'll react to a situation until they're in deep, for better or for worse. Plenty of people had to come to some pretty ugly conclusions today, he's fairly certain.
Absently, he reaches up so he can card his fingers through the hair at the back of Buzen's head, propping his chin against his shoulder as he looks out into Ikea.]
It's troubling, being unable to help them in times like this.
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well.]
... I'm not all that bright, so I don't know how many answers or things I can help people with anyway. Most of that trial went over my head... I wasn't sure what was going on.
So I think that sometimes just... sitting people so that they're not alone is all I can do.
'cause it stings worse, I think - to be left with nothing but you, your thoughts, and the consequences of your actions.
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Anyway, those words hit and hurt a little just because of how true they are, as far as he knows it to be. Being alone with your thoughts and the consequences of your actions is a terrible thing actually!! He closes his eyes, quiet for a moment or two. Do you ever think about how Matsui has blood vision due to the sheer force of his trauma but also probably has nightmares so he's never at rest whether his eyes are open or closed because i do.]
...You're probably right. I think that comfort alone is better than nothing. [Giving him a light little nudge.] And yours is a comforting presence.
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So is yours, you know.
You're honest, and don't mince words - but you're not unkind about it. I always feel better when I get to be with you.
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[Which is said less as a complimentary thing and more like something spoken on a sigh. He certainly wouldn't count his own presence as comforting. Far from it, honestly.
He rolls his head a little, thunking it gently against the side of Buzen's.]
...But I'm glad, if I can help you in that way.
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I always see you, Matsu.
When you're at your best, and when you're not. [because he could never really get around to calling matsui the worst in any stretch of the imagination.] When you're willing to help out Kotegiri and support his dreams, and when you hate farm duty as much as the rest of us besides Kuwa unless the tomatoes are ripe.
... I'm not lying. I'd always rather be with you than without you.
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But he's too selfish to want to vocalize any of that right now. He just holds Buzen a little more securely.]
I don't think that I could be without you.
[THIS IS A PROMISE AND A THREAT.]
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but buzen will just hum faintly at that.]
Good thing you'll never have to be, right? I'm not going anywhere.
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But the horrors of Monday have yet to reach him here, so he just sits with his normal levels of depression instead.]
Good. [And then, so quiet that it probably wouldn't have been audible if he wasn't sitting with his chin resting on Buzen's shoulder:] Please don't.
[Which is a selfish thing to ask, given who he is and what his penchants are, but. Y'know. This is the worst of him, actually.]
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so he doesn't let that emotion reach his face. instead, his calm smile doesn't budge and he promises:]
I won't. I know how hard you're trying to stay with me [even when the waves are at risk of taking him away any day now] so I'm going to try twice as hard.
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He doesn't really know what to say to such a stunning display of kindness, so he doesn't say anything. He just curls himself in closer, holding Buzen like he'll be enough of an anchor for both of them.]