[she watches him, quietly, her gold eyes glinting. she doesn't really know what bowing like that means; it comes across as gallant, not apologetic. but she can still understand his feeling.]
It's okay.
[she's surprised, certainly, but she's not angry. she'll reach out a furry hand to him.]
...It's okay. That's also - that's also something I wouldn't expect.
[she swallows, her voice cracking just a little. more because she's hoarse after all of this than anything.]
Buzen, you and Matsui both, you are two of the people I felt I could trust. But I never thought or expected that trust would extend to sacrificing everything.
[the furry hand surprises him - and he'll go to take it, gentle, even though there's something so confused on his face. how can she say it's okay? even he doesn't think it's okay.
but he'll search her expression, a little lost, before speaking his truth so simply:]
... Rin-san shouldn't be gone. How could we accept it? How could we be on a team, knowing about it, and then not try everything we could to say something?
You don't have to forgive us, Ylfa-san. We don't even forgive ourselves.
If you had been the ones to do it, I wouldn't forgive you. And if you had hated it, but still lied to save him and yourselves, I would have understood, but I wouldn't have forgiven it, either.
The place I'm from isn't like the place Rin and Haru are from. People do what they have to do to stay alive. And sometimes, they do more than that, but only sometimes. So for this, I can't hate you.
[ . . . he doesn't know what to do here. a lot of the times, he manages something and can figure out what to say. but now, a hundreds year old sword trying to find forgiveness from a 12 year old girl, he feels entirely out of his depth.]
... okay.
[he accepts, even if he doesn't look satisfied]
But you have to demand more of us, Ylfa-san. All of Froggystyle should. I know... nothing can bring Rin-san back, but I still want to support you all however I can. That's the least of what we owe you.
[she watches him closely, ears flat. she is a twelve year old, but in some ways she is also the embodiment of an older idea. a story about who to put your trust in and the things that lurk out in the woods.]
I want to live. I want to go home. And I want that for Gerard, and for Haru, and I wanted it for Rin.
But don't you also want that? You say you want to support us, but in a place like this, isn't that the same as throwing your own life away?
[he looks thoughtful at that, trying to figure out where he stands on it. sometimes, he holds back because it feels like too much of an invitation - but buzen has been convinced that ylfa deserves the truth all day, and he's still sure she deserves it now]
A sword should always break before the hand that holds it.
If someone tries to Erase me, I'm fighting back - because that's what I owe to the people that I love and I'm trying to return to. But... we're all swords. We're all ancient. How can I look them in the eye and say that I Erased the very same humans and people that we want to protect to return to them?
I never wanted to win based on Erasure. I ended up on a team with Rang-san just so I could threaten to break myself if I found out he was hurting someone - if we didn't vote for my team today, I would've let you all break me out of sheer frustration. Matsu felt the same way. We have our reasons, but we can't accept what happened to Rin.
[so funny how close we were to a total bdsm self-destruct just because the swords are fucking insane]
I do want to support you. I don't want to throw my life away - but I also don't want a life that's built on hurting on other people.
[very funny that she trusted them immediately and then saw that they chose rang as a teammate and was like. hmmm. maybe not.
on the other hand, ylfa has a lot of feelings about what things "should" be.]
...Have you ever wanted to have a different story? One where you don't have to break before the hand that holds you, or at least, you can decide whether that hand is worth breaking for on your own?
[that's the way it is in her world. everyone has a role - princess, prince, hero, monster, little girl - and the constraints of those roles have been cruel to so many people she loves.]
But I'm glad to know you don't want to win based on Erasure. I'd like that, too. If all of us could just agree we don't want this to be a competition about hurting other people. If we could just...play basketball and do swimming competitions. If we could write a different ending for all of us.
[it's so valid of her and buzen also thinks that's fine, even if he actually does like rang.
though at the question, he smiles sadly.]
.... that's a little of what today was, I think. [he looks thoughtful for a second, before deciding to keep speaking.] Matsu and I have been used in massacres, back when we were blades without human bodies. We've killed innocents. It's part of why he is... the way he is. [so lost in his guilt and pain at pretty much every second of the day, obsessed with blood and penance]
We couldn't save Rin-san - but we could at least choose where our blades pointed, even if that was inward. We got to say what we couldn't accept. That's more than we ever got, when we were swords for someone else to wield. [a beat] We still don't think it's enough - I can only guess for Matsu, but I feel like I have a lot to make up for. I still hid things from people I want to call my friends for hours, even though I didn't want to.
["hide" is still a strong word for what buzen did considering his snitch behavior but people in trial were right - lying by omission is still lying.]
But... you should know, Ylfa-san, that there's something way more messed up about this system. I don't think it wants us to win based on basketball and sports. I'm still mad at the person on my team for who they chose and how they did it - but they didn't even want to take a life this week. They received a text from someone saying that they had to, or they'd die.
[she likes him too, in her way. but trust is another story.
she listens to him describe how he feels and she decides that's okay. she wouldn't want someone to sacrifice their safety for her based on what they feel they have to do. but a choice is another matter.]
He did? [that's...hmm.] I'm not surprised it doesn't want us to win that way. But it seems we won't have a choice, either.
That's what I was told. [a beat] Though I felt like I was lied to about other things, so take it with a hint of salt. I want to believe them about this, though.
[that it wasn't random bloodlust that struck and made them feel like they had to act, when even this little hodgepodge of weird immortals was trying to keep it together]
I'll give them a chance to talk to you about it - but if they don't, I'll share everything I know.
I want...to tear him into pieces and swallow him. And use him to become a stronger, better monster, just like I used the last monster I met. But monsters are...complicated, and eating them has consequences you might not expect.
If you hear anything about if we can make that happen and help Rin-san - let me know. I'll do everything I can to support you, whatever it takes.
[normally buzen wouldn't offer because of sword rules since death feels so final - but this place feels like proof that isn't the case? but as for the rest...]
What does that mean to you, Ylfa-san? To be a monster?
A monster is what you meet in the woods. Some of them have sharp teeth, and some are sly and wear the skins and clothes of people to lure in their prey. At the end of the story, the monster kills you or someone kills it first.
[she answers that right away, but as for what she means when she calls herself one, it's a little more complicated.]
...The one I met that day, the wolf, didn't kill me. He killed my grandmother, but he spared me, and he let me eat him so I would survive. Since then, I've become like this. I have some of his strength and his power. And sometimes what I am is frightening, and the path I've followed has been hard, but...those experiences and that strength is something I've been able to bring with me where I go, to do whatever I decide to do with it.
This is not the role I was meant to play, but I don't want to go back.
[he listens carefully, trying to keep it in mind with what she'd said before. the idea of wanting to tell a different story, of getting to choose for herself. he finds it both complicated and easy to understand - the ways in which expectation and choice can clash.]
Then don't go back. [he'll keep holding onto her furry little hand, and run his thumb over the back of her knuckles] Survive, gain more experiences, and see more places with the people you want to be with.
[the pictures that buzen paints is simple, maybe a little vague on purpose - but it is what he wants for everyone. those days in which they can do what they want, with who they please. it is the type of thing that he doesn't get much of, either.]
... I'm glad that you're still moving forward, Ylfa-san. And I hope that you do rely on us - or the people you choose to trust, when things feel scary.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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It's okay.
[she's surprised, certainly, but she's not angry. she'll reach out a furry hand to him.]
...It's okay. That's also - that's also something I wouldn't expect.
[she swallows, her voice cracking just a little. more because she's hoarse after all of this than anything.]
Buzen, you and Matsui both, you are two of the people I felt I could trust. But I never thought or expected that trust would extend to sacrificing everything.
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but he'll search her expression, a little lost, before speaking his truth so simply:]
... Rin-san shouldn't be gone. How could we accept it? How could we be on a team, knowing about it, and then not try everything we could to say something?
You don't have to forgive us, Ylfa-san. We don't even forgive ourselves.
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[there are tears in her eyes.]
If you had been the ones to do it, I wouldn't forgive you. And if you had hated it, but still lied to save him and yourselves, I would have understood, but I wouldn't have forgiven it, either.
The place I'm from isn't like the place Rin and Haru are from. People do what they have to do to stay alive. And sometimes, they do more than that, but only sometimes. So for this, I can't hate you.
no subject
... okay.
[he accepts, even if he doesn't look satisfied]
But you have to demand more of us, Ylfa-san. All of Froggystyle should. I know... nothing can bring Rin-san back, but I still want to support you all however I can. That's the least of what we owe you.
[somehow, someway, he wants her to live.]
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I want to live. I want to go home. And I want that for Gerard, and for Haru, and I wanted it for Rin.
But don't you also want that? You say you want to support us, but in a place like this, isn't that the same as throwing your own life away?
no subject
A sword should always break before the hand that holds it.
If someone tries to Erase me, I'm fighting back - because that's what I owe to the people that I love and I'm trying to return to. But... we're all swords. We're all ancient. How can I look them in the eye and say that I Erased the very same humans and people that we want to protect to return to them?
I never wanted to win based on Erasure. I ended up on a team with Rang-san just so I could threaten to break myself if I found out he was hurting someone - if we didn't vote for my team today, I would've let you all break me out of sheer frustration. Matsu felt the same way. We have our reasons, but we can't accept what happened to Rin.
[so funny how close we were to a total bdsm self-destruct just because the swords are fucking insane]
I do want to support you. I don't want to throw my life away - but I also don't want a life that's built on hurting on other people.
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on the other hand, ylfa has a lot of feelings about what things "should" be.]
...Have you ever wanted to have a different story? One where you don't have to break before the hand that holds you, or at least, you can decide whether that hand is worth breaking for on your own?
[that's the way it is in her world. everyone has a role - princess, prince, hero, monster, little girl - and the constraints of those roles have been cruel to so many people she loves.]
But I'm glad to know you don't want to win based on Erasure. I'd like that, too. If all of us could just agree we don't want this to be a competition about hurting other people. If we could just...play basketball and do swimming competitions. If we could write a different ending for all of us.
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though at the question, he smiles sadly.]
.... that's a little of what today was, I think. [he looks thoughtful for a second, before deciding to keep speaking.] Matsu and I have been used in massacres, back when we were blades without human bodies. We've killed innocents. It's part of why he is... the way he is. [so lost in his guilt and pain at pretty much every second of the day, obsessed with blood and penance]
We couldn't save Rin-san - but we could at least choose where our blades pointed, even if that was inward. We got to say what we couldn't accept. That's more than we ever got, when we were swords for someone else to wield. [a beat] We still don't think it's enough - I can only guess for Matsu, but I feel like I have a lot to make up for. I still hid things from people I want to call my friends for hours, even though I didn't want to.
["hide" is still a strong word for what buzen did considering his snitch behavior but people in trial were right - lying by omission is still lying.]
But... you should know, Ylfa-san, that there's something way more messed up about this system. I don't think it wants us to win based on basketball and sports. I'm still mad at the person on my team for who they chose and how they did it - but they didn't even want to take a life this week. They received a text from someone saying that they had to, or they'd die.
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she listens to him describe how he feels and she decides that's okay. she wouldn't want someone to sacrifice their safety for her based on what they feel they have to do. but a choice is another matter.]
He did? [that's...hmm.] I'm not surprised it doesn't want us to win that way. But it seems we won't have a choice, either.
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[that it wasn't random bloodlust that struck and made them feel like they had to act, when even this little hodgepodge of weird immortals was trying to keep it together]
I'll give them a chance to talk to you about it - but if they don't, I'll share everything I know.
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Thank you. [...] I don't find that hard to believe. It doesn't make me less angry.
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[if he's still allowed to hold onto her furry little hand, he'll give it a gentle squeeze]
Is it okay? If I ask how you're feeling?
[so much attention has been on him today it's very uncomfortable for a sword who exists to support]
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[she will squeeze back.]
I want...to tear him into pieces and swallow him. And use him to become a stronger, better monster, just like I used the last monster I met. But monsters are...complicated, and eating them has consequences you might not expect.
And also, I just want Rin back.
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If you hear anything about if we can make that happen and help Rin-san - let me know. I'll do everything I can to support you, whatever it takes.
[normally buzen wouldn't offer because of sword rules since death feels so final - but this place feels like proof that isn't the case? but as for the rest...]
What does that mean to you, Ylfa-san? To be a monster?
no subject
[she answers that right away, but as for what she means when she calls herself one, it's a little more complicated.]
...The one I met that day, the wolf, didn't kill me. He killed my grandmother, but he spared me, and he let me eat him so I would survive. Since then, I've become like this. I have some of his strength and his power. And sometimes what I am is frightening, and the path I've followed has been hard, but...those experiences and that strength is something I've been able to bring with me where I go, to do whatever I decide to do with it.
This is not the role I was meant to play, but I don't want to go back.
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Then don't go back. [he'll keep holding onto her furry little hand, and run his thumb over the back of her knuckles] Survive, gain more experiences, and see more places with the people you want to be with.
[the pictures that buzen paints is simple, maybe a little vague on purpose - but it is what he wants for everyone. those days in which they can do what they want, with who they please. it is the type of thing that he doesn't get much of, either.]
... I'm glad that you're still moving forward, Ylfa-san. And I hope that you do rely on us - or the people you choose to trust, when things feel scary.
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[but she does trust him, whether or not he says she shouldn't.]
Thank you, Buzen. I will.