[you're valid i only have like 2 memories because genshin was like that's enough crane for now
anyway, she's probably lingering around whatever trees she can find because she misses nature! she is notably not wearing her red ropes at the moment, which is probably bad but maybe not, who knows. she bows her head a little in his direction when he speaks, and then the pig flies past and she just startles, before --
You are sitting in the garden of your childhood home, in a little village that you've grown up in. You are six years old, and your father has been away for a year, though you're not sure why. It makes you sad, sometimes, when you think about it. Your mother is gone, and the village takes turns making sure that you aren't starving, but for the most part, you're just alone, making up stories and playing with the stray dogs in the village. It's lonely. You're very lonely.
So when your father returns after that year, and he gives you a smile that borders on manic, you don't notice how it looks. You're overjoyed - father is back, and maybe this time, he won't leave. Maybe this time your curse won't drive him away. You can be good this time. You will find a way to make sure that you don't hurt him or anybody else ever again. Maybe he's forgiven you for what happened to your mother.
He doesn't even wash up, when he returns. He comes straight to the garden and smiles widely at you, and says that you should come with him to the cave in the mountains behind the village. He has a surprise for you, to make up for the fact that he hasn't been home. You don't really hope for much, but. A toy would be nice! Maybe a kite, or something that the two of you can play with together.
Your father brings you to the cave. You make sure your long black hair is out of the way, ready for whatever the surprise is.
But he barely even pays attention to you as he strides into the cave. He goes right to the altar in the middle, constructed out of stone, and he flicks through a book, and he mutters. And you take a step forward because you're unsure. Maybe you should help? You take another step forward, and then - out of the book swirls something dark and hideous, a black and rotting creature that has no shape at first as it crawls out. It drips out of the book, and your father turns and starts to walk away.
You're confused - you're a little scared, so you say, "Father?" and he ignores you, and so you look back at the shadows that soak down out of the pages, and you see it is growing teeth. It is watching you with bright blood-red eyes, and when it meets your gaze, it licks its lips.
You stumble back, and you start to cry - you are six years old, and this is the scariest thing you've ever seen - and you turn and race after your father. This isn't what he meant, right? This can't be the surprise - but he pushes you to the ground and sneers at you.
"You are a cursed child," he spits, and you stare up at him from where you're crumpled on the ground. You reach for him. No, it - no, this time, it'll be better. This time you won't bring ruin to everybody around you, you promise, you will find a way to be good, but he just shakes his head and keeps walking. "Your life brings nothing but disaster to us all."
You stand, shakily, and run, but something grabs your leg, and you scream as the monster drags you back. Your father leaves.
"At least if you die, I can bring her back." And the light from outside vanishes as the monster pulls you towards it's mouth.
But as a child - a child who hasn't grown up just yet, a child who hasn't forsaken emotion and the joys of living because you know that you aren't allowed those anymore - you don't want to die. You want to play outside, and you want to make friends with the other children in the village, and you want your mother back, and you want your father to love you, and you don't want to die you don't want to die you want to live --
The sleeping calamitous fates, violent urges, and unyielding spirit within you burst their bonds all at once. They are your unseen shield, your invisible blade, and they are all that your frail form has to protect yourself. You have a dagger that belonged to your mother. Instinct has you cut open part of the monster and it wails, and you run to hide. Your next attack is with fangs and claws; you swear to tear that wretched creature before you to shreds — to prove that you, and not it, are the cruelest evil that stalked the darkness.
For days, your life-and-death battle is one without end. Hunter and hunted switch places many times, the conflict locked in stalemate. Sometimes it rips at your skin and sometimes it just chases you when it finds you. Sometimes you beat it back just enough to find some time to rest. But you are exhausted. You can't sleep. You're hungry, and you're thirsty, and everything hurts, but you don't want to die. You refuse. You won't. But there's only so much that your tiny body can handle, and eventually, you collapse. You're afraid. You know it is coming, the monster, with its snakelike body and hungry maw. But you can't find the strength to continue.
And that's when the tide changes.
A vivid icy light pierces through the dark like skyglow, showing the path to the future. A crystalline object falls down from nowhere, into your hands. You look down at it shakily, trying to breathe. You know, instinctively, that this will allow you to wield ice. That you can use this to decide which monster will live, and which will die.
You pull yourself to your feet one more time. You wipe the tears away.
It's the last time you ever cried. It's the last time you felt anything at all.
it's only because he's run into a few of these this time that he doesn't just straight up slam into the barrier that's erected with the pig - but he does stumble, and he has to bring his hand out to catch himself. he blinks a few times furiously, and thinks briefly about what he'd heard from the others. he thinks about what he's come to see.
he doesn't know if he's ever been so angry. so many people have tried to tell him since he got here - that maybe humans are bad, that they're not worth all he does to protect them, that there is not reason enough to defend them. he's had a hard time being swayed. this is the first thing that really makes him so furious he entertains the argument.
but it doesn't last - because the emotions that rip through buzen are just as quick as he is - and instead he turns his head to face her. his expression falters, struggles to even out.]
[she's still disoriented. she hasn't thought about this for years, not in any depth. when she met the traveler, this was distant. she talked about it, she explained, but she hadn't lived it, and so this is much more of a violent battery of her heart.
he faces her, and she just nods, sort of dumbfounded. okay. yes.]
[he moves closer then, and immediately pulls her into a hug. he's a little more tense than usual, still working through his own anger, but he puts it away and relaxes as he focuses on keeping shenhe close.]
Yeah. [a beat] I'm sorry. You deserved better than that.
You should think that. [a little firmer, more certain] You didn't do anything wrong. You were so small, how could you hurt anybody...?
[buzen doesn't really understand kids - it's crazy to him that humans can be that tiny sometimes - but he also knows that they can't do anything to deserve that cruelty. even if it might find them.]
[and that's more firm. she knows that she is. whether she did anything wrong or not, whether her cursed life was brought on by fate or by her father's actions, she is glad that it happened, because it led her here. it led her to this.]
I was the monster, in that cave. [she says, just - to talk, just to say something, to work through that. the work through how could you hurt anybody? because - she did.] It was that - that happening led to Gerard picking me to kill, I think.
[because they spoke, she told him a little bit of her story, and he wrote the rest of it for her.]
[in a way that made him think, because there are so many stories about youkai and the swords that are his comrades. the ways in which those blades were made famous because they were the ones who killed the monsters. but all it does is just make him question who gets to decide which spirits are friendly and which are foes]
But I... still don't know if I get it. Weren't you just trying to survive after what was done to you? Does that make you a monster?
She told me that monsters are the ones who decide who gets hurt and who gets spared.
[it stuck with her. for someone who thinks of herself as one, it was such a positive spin - it made her feel a little less alone.]
... I don't know if it does. Nahri, Wolfwood and Vash all told me that it didn't. And I think I'd like to believe them. But that is a different answer than what I was told by the adepti.
[they never used the word monster, but. she can read between the lines.]
And the adepti... are the ones you were with after? [if she was away from humans - he's not really sure what they are, but there is a gap of time there that he understands must've been... somewhere. with someone.
but.]
I agree with your team.
If you think of yourself as a monster, in the way that Ylfa-san does... then I think that you should think of yourself in whatever way you want. It's what matters the most.
But I don't think you're a malevolent spirit. And I don't think that there's anything wrong with wanting to survive, with wanting to live, or exist. It's the feeling that I, even as a blade, understand... so if even a weapon can feel that way, it should be alright for you to.
she breathes in, and breathes out. and then she pulls away from him, but it's not abruptly or anything, it's slow, like she just wants to take a second to compose herself. she doesn't have her red ropes, and she isn't sure if wolfwood was right, that they never worked here in the first place, but... without them on, things feel a lot bigger and a lot less safe.
but maybe that's okay.]
I was starting to feel that way. [she says, quietly.] While I wasn't erased, I thought that it would be okay to live less like I was a danger to everybody. Wolfwood told me I should. But.
[but then she was erased. almost like a punishment. it felt a little like a punishment, and she doesn't know how to feel about it.]
[even as she pulls away, he keeps his arms open and his palms up in case she still wants to hold on in any way. his expression softens.]
... I've never felt that you're dangerous, Shen-san. I think you live honestly and openly. I think that's a really good thing. Even if you feel violent sometimes, you'd be surprised how many humans feel the exact same way - they just hide it.
[he measures his words in the next moment, trying to figure out how to put his thoughts into phrases]
I don't always act it... but I've lived a long time. I've seen a lot of people.
You aren't inherently better or worse than any of them. You just are. And... I think in the time we've been here, I can see it - people really like the person you are. I know I do.
People are going to have their reasons for trying to cut our time short—but they don't have to be right. I'm... learning that too.
[she will hold his hand, honestly, just because she likes having little connections to people like this.]
... That is a good way to put it. [they have reasons, but they might not be noble or correct ones. gerard had explained to her why, and she is trying to remember - maybe she didn't deserve it.]
It is complicated. I'm not used there being no simple answer for it. [a sigh.] Thank you, Buzen. For thinking so kindly of me.
[ah, well that manages to get him to smile a little bit - gently amused.]
Afraid that's part of having a heart too, Shen-san... I've learned a lot about complicated feelings. But... you don't have to thank me for that. You really do make it easy, you know?
[straightforward, honest people - buzen tries to be that as much as possible. but in the end, he thinks that shenhe succeeds far past him.
eventually, his own memory hits. sorry to make you watch sword musicals.
You’re a traveler, and to these people, that’s all you’ll ever be. You speak with this man who doesn’t need to introduce himself - you know exactly who he is. Ota Dokan, the architect of Edo Castle, which withstood the tests of time and war to remain strong and steadfast into this modern day. You talk to him about all the beautiful things this world has to offer, and feel your heart warm knowing this person exists. He doesn’t ask your name, not that you would give it anyway.
(Not that it would matter. The Buzen Gou is already lost to history.)
You watch him join the men in building his creation, and promise them a grand feast at the end of their labor. It makes laughter spill from your lips before you can even stop it, and when Ame comes to get you, it almost feels too short. You say your farewells, and tuck this serendipitous little meeting into your heart. You hope that you don’t meet again.
Your friend is brought to his knees in a fight—and is just barely saved. Monstrous creatures come to his rescue and set him free. As the fighting dies down, it quickly becomes obvious to you as you step on the scene. On this day, Ota Dokan could survive. He could walk out of this battleground, and build so many more grand sights. He could help so many more people. He could enjoy life.
Your blade ends that dream abruptly. You cannot allow that to happen.
Ame—beloved, darling Ame who you treasure so dearly—tries to take on this responsibility from you. But Ame is different from you. Ame has never raised his blade against the very same humans that you’re sworn to protect. So you laugh it off, you tell him not to think about it, even though your inconvenient heart is beating painfully in your chest. Even though you understand a little bit more, why Tsuru-san said ‘you can’t complete missions like this unless you hate yourself’. Maybe you’re starting to learn to hate yourself. No, you can’t let him feel this. You can’t let any of the others feel this, for as long as you’re able.
You should be the only twisted blade that knows what it’s like to cut down the very same people you adore. You should be the only liar. ]
[no i was enthralled the entire time don't apologize
this - hits her in a way she isn't expecting, so much. for a lot of reasons. first - her heart aches for buzen. for the decision made. on a bigger scale, she understands that it was the right decision. on a bigger scale, based on what matsui has told her, this is the way that things have to be, and she thinks that buzen is stronger than her in having to do it. she would've broken the world for someone who showed her kindness like that. and maybe that's the second reason that it hits her, because she thinks about her own circumstances, and how gerard was right. he killed her because he thought she was most likely to snap. she was the most likely to destroy others for the sake of her own goals. sometimes you have to, to make things go right.
it takes a second, and then she tugs at buzen a little bit so she can hug him again.
she doesn't know the perfect thing to say, and she doesn't know how to give reassurances like him, it's - hard. it makes her tongue feel like lead. but she has learned that hugs help at least a little, when she feels too desolate to do anything else, and so that's what she does.]
I think... [she starts, and then stops, struggling. a beat.] I think that maybe you are more human than you realize.
[she hopes he doesn't take that the wrong way - it's a compliment, in the most sincere form that she can manage.]
[the hug is easily accepted, so very much like second nature. and yet something about it almost makes buzen feel guilty, wondering if it's alright for him to accept comfort after what shenhe had just seen. despite this uncertainty - he melts into it, an embrace as warm as any other, because there's always some part of him that's willing to bend to others' requests.
at her words, he's surprised into laughter, a little surprised and marveling thing.]
.... probably. I'm still getting used to this heart.
[sheepishly, like he feels bad for not figuring out all the ways that emotions work in the three years that he's had.]
I guess... we're still ultimately just something in between. [not entirely human, not entirely blade. he's quiet for a moment longer, before he speaks again] ... I'm still sorry that you had to see that, Shen-san.
I'm not proud of it—killing a friend.
[and in the end, he can't help but wonder if it's still a sore point for her]
[or at least, she thinks she has, but. maybe it's a little bit of a sore point, but she doesn't blame him. it's not like he really had a choice. and while she's angry now, later, when it comes out that gerard did it because he also thought he had no choice, well. she'll be less mad then.
for now, it's too fresh.]
And I know you are not proud of it. You wouldn't be. I believe that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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anyway, she's probably lingering around whatever trees she can find because she misses nature! she is notably not wearing her red ropes at the moment, which is probably bad but maybe not, who knows. she bows her head a little in his direction when he speaks, and then the pig flies past and she just startles, before --
to which she just. blinks a few times. bwuh.]
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it's only because he's run into a few of these this time that he doesn't just straight up slam into the barrier that's erected with the pig - but he does stumble, and he has to bring his hand out to catch himself. he blinks a few times furiously, and thinks briefly about what he'd heard from the others. he thinks about what he's come to see.
he doesn't know if he's ever been so angry. so many people have tried to tell him since he got here - that maybe humans are bad, that they're not worth all he does to protect them, that there is not reason enough to defend them. he's had a hard time being swayed. this is the first thing that really makes him so furious he entertains the argument.
but it doesn't last - because the emotions that rip through buzen are just as quick as he is - and instead he turns his head to face her. his expression falters, struggles to even out.]
... is it alright? If I ask for a hug.
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he faces her, and she just nods, sort of dumbfounded. okay. yes.]
-- Did you see that?
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Yeah. [a beat] I'm sorry. You deserved better than that.
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... Yes. [she says, after a moment.] I'd like to think that too.
[she's still unsure, sometimes, but.] It was a long time ago.
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[buzen doesn't really understand kids - it's crazy to him that humans can be that tiny sometimes - but he also knows that they can't do anything to deserve that cruelty. even if it might find them.]
... I'm glad you made it out of there.
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[and that's more firm. she knows that she is. whether she did anything wrong or not, whether her cursed life was brought on by fate or by her father's actions, she is glad that it happened, because it led her here. it led her to this.]
I was the monster, in that cave. [she says, just - to talk, just to say something, to work through that. the work through how could you hurt anybody? because - she did.] It was that - that happening led to Gerard picking me to kill, I think.
[because they spoke, she told him a little bit of her story, and he wrote the rest of it for her.]
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[in a way that made him think, because there are so many stories about youkai and the swords that are his comrades. the ways in which those blades were made famous because they were the ones who killed the monsters. but all it does is just make him question who gets to decide which spirits are friendly and which are foes]
But I... still don't know if I get it. Weren't you just trying to survive after what was done to you? Does that make you a monster?
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[it stuck with her. for someone who thinks of herself as one, it was such a positive spin - it made her feel a little less alone.]
... I don't know if it does. Nahri, Wolfwood and Vash all told me that it didn't. And I think I'd like to believe them. But that is a different answer than what I was told by the adepti.
[they never used the word monster, but. she can read between the lines.]
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but.]
I agree with your team.
If you think of yourself as a monster, in the way that Ylfa-san does... then I think that you should think of yourself in whatever way you want. It's what matters the most.
But I don't think you're a malevolent spirit. And I don't think that there's anything wrong with wanting to survive, with wanting to live, or exist. It's the feeling that I, even as a blade, understand... so if even a weapon can feel that way, it should be alright for you to.
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she breathes in, and breathes out. and then she pulls away from him, but it's not abruptly or anything, it's slow, like she just wants to take a second to compose herself. she doesn't have her red ropes, and she isn't sure if wolfwood was right, that they never worked here in the first place, but... without them on, things feel a lot bigger and a lot less safe.
but maybe that's okay.]
I was starting to feel that way. [she says, quietly.] While I wasn't erased, I thought that it would be okay to live less like I was a danger to everybody. Wolfwood told me I should. But.
[but then she was erased. almost like a punishment. it felt a little like a punishment, and she doesn't know how to feel about it.]
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... I've never felt that you're dangerous, Shen-san. I think you live honestly and openly. I think that's a really good thing. Even if you feel violent sometimes, you'd be surprised how many humans feel the exact same way - they just hide it.
[he measures his words in the next moment, trying to figure out how to put his thoughts into phrases]
I don't always act it... but I've lived a long time. I've seen a lot of people.
You aren't inherently better or worse than any of them. You just are. And... I think in the time we've been here, I can see it - people really like the person you are. I know I do.
People are going to have their reasons for trying to cut our time short—but they don't have to be right. I'm... learning that too.
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... That is a good way to put it. [they have reasons, but they might not be noble or correct ones. gerard had explained to her why, and she is trying to remember - maybe she didn't deserve it.]
It is complicated. I'm not used there being no simple answer for it. [a sigh.] Thank you, Buzen. For thinking so kindly of me.
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Afraid that's part of having a heart too, Shen-san... I've learned a lot about complicated feelings. But... you don't have to thank me for that. You really do make it easy, you know?
[straightforward, honest people - buzen tries to be that as much as possible. but in the end, he thinks that shenhe succeeds far past him.
eventually, his own memory hits. sorry to make you watch sword musicals.
no subject
this - hits her in a way she isn't expecting, so much. for a lot of reasons. first - her heart aches for buzen. for the decision made. on a bigger scale, she understands that it was the right decision. on a bigger scale, based on what matsui has told her, this is the way that things have to be, and she thinks that buzen is stronger than her in having to do it. she would've broken the world for someone who showed her kindness like that. and maybe that's the second reason that it hits her, because she thinks about her own circumstances, and how gerard was right. he killed her because he thought she was most likely to snap. she was the most likely to destroy others for the sake of her own goals. sometimes you have to, to make things go right.
it takes a second, and then she tugs at buzen a little bit so she can hug him again.
she doesn't know the perfect thing to say, and she doesn't know how to give reassurances like him, it's - hard. it makes her tongue feel like lead. but she has learned that hugs help at least a little, when she feels too desolate to do anything else, and so that's what she does.]
I think... [she starts, and then stops, struggling. a beat.] I think that maybe you are more human than you realize.
[she hopes he doesn't take that the wrong way - it's a compliment, in the most sincere form that she can manage.]
no subject
at her words, he's surprised into laughter, a little surprised and marveling thing.]
.... probably. I'm still getting used to this heart.
[sheepishly, like he feels bad for not figuring out all the ways that emotions work in the three years that he's had.]
I guess... we're still ultimately just something in between. [not entirely human, not entirely blade. he's quiet for a moment longer, before he speaks again] ... I'm still sorry that you had to see that, Shen-san.
I'm not proud of it—killing a friend.
[and in the end, he can't help but wonder if it's still a sore point for her]
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[or at least, she thinks she has, but. maybe it's a little bit of a sore point, but she doesn't blame him. it's not like he really had a choice. and while she's angry now, later, when it comes out that gerard did it because he also thought he had no choice, well. she'll be less mad then.
for now, it's too fresh.]
And I know you are not proud of it. You wouldn't be. I believe that.