it's only because he's run into a few of these this time that he doesn't just straight up slam into the barrier that's erected with the pig - but he does stumble, and he has to bring his hand out to catch himself. he blinks a few times furiously, and thinks briefly about what he'd heard from the others. he thinks about what he's come to see.
he doesn't know if he's ever been so angry. so many people have tried to tell him since he got here - that maybe humans are bad, that they're not worth all he does to protect them, that there is not reason enough to defend them. he's had a hard time being swayed. this is the first thing that really makes him so furious he entertains the argument.
but it doesn't last - because the emotions that rip through buzen are just as quick as he is - and instead he turns his head to face her. his expression falters, struggles to even out.]
[she's still disoriented. she hasn't thought about this for years, not in any depth. when she met the traveler, this was distant. she talked about it, she explained, but she hadn't lived it, and so this is much more of a violent battery of her heart.
he faces her, and she just nods, sort of dumbfounded. okay. yes.]
[he moves closer then, and immediately pulls her into a hug. he's a little more tense than usual, still working through his own anger, but he puts it away and relaxes as he focuses on keeping shenhe close.]
Yeah. [a beat] I'm sorry. You deserved better than that.
You should think that. [a little firmer, more certain] You didn't do anything wrong. You were so small, how could you hurt anybody...?
[buzen doesn't really understand kids - it's crazy to him that humans can be that tiny sometimes - but he also knows that they can't do anything to deserve that cruelty. even if it might find them.]
[and that's more firm. she knows that she is. whether she did anything wrong or not, whether her cursed life was brought on by fate or by her father's actions, she is glad that it happened, because it led her here. it led her to this.]
I was the monster, in that cave. [she says, just - to talk, just to say something, to work through that. the work through how could you hurt anybody? because - she did.] It was that - that happening led to Gerard picking me to kill, I think.
[because they spoke, she told him a little bit of her story, and he wrote the rest of it for her.]
[in a way that made him think, because there are so many stories about youkai and the swords that are his comrades. the ways in which those blades were made famous because they were the ones who killed the monsters. but all it does is just make him question who gets to decide which spirits are friendly and which are foes]
But I... still don't know if I get it. Weren't you just trying to survive after what was done to you? Does that make you a monster?
She told me that monsters are the ones who decide who gets hurt and who gets spared.
[it stuck with her. for someone who thinks of herself as one, it was such a positive spin - it made her feel a little less alone.]
... I don't know if it does. Nahri, Wolfwood and Vash all told me that it didn't. And I think I'd like to believe them. But that is a different answer than what I was told by the adepti.
[they never used the word monster, but. she can read between the lines.]
And the adepti... are the ones you were with after? [if she was away from humans - he's not really sure what they are, but there is a gap of time there that he understands must've been... somewhere. with someone.
but.]
I agree with your team.
If you think of yourself as a monster, in the way that Ylfa-san does... then I think that you should think of yourself in whatever way you want. It's what matters the most.
But I don't think you're a malevolent spirit. And I don't think that there's anything wrong with wanting to survive, with wanting to live, or exist. It's the feeling that I, even as a blade, understand... so if even a weapon can feel that way, it should be alright for you to.
she breathes in, and breathes out. and then she pulls away from him, but it's not abruptly or anything, it's slow, like she just wants to take a second to compose herself. she doesn't have her red ropes, and she isn't sure if wolfwood was right, that they never worked here in the first place, but... without them on, things feel a lot bigger and a lot less safe.
but maybe that's okay.]
I was starting to feel that way. [she says, quietly.] While I wasn't erased, I thought that it would be okay to live less like I was a danger to everybody. Wolfwood told me I should. But.
[but then she was erased. almost like a punishment. it felt a little like a punishment, and she doesn't know how to feel about it.]
[even as she pulls away, he keeps his arms open and his palms up in case she still wants to hold on in any way. his expression softens.]
... I've never felt that you're dangerous, Shen-san. I think you live honestly and openly. I think that's a really good thing. Even if you feel violent sometimes, you'd be surprised how many humans feel the exact same way - they just hide it.
[he measures his words in the next moment, trying to figure out how to put his thoughts into phrases]
I don't always act it... but I've lived a long time. I've seen a lot of people.
You aren't inherently better or worse than any of them. You just are. And... I think in the time we've been here, I can see it - people really like the person you are. I know I do.
People are going to have their reasons for trying to cut our time short—but they don't have to be right. I'm... learning that too.
[she will hold his hand, honestly, just because she likes having little connections to people like this.]
... That is a good way to put it. [they have reasons, but they might not be noble or correct ones. gerard had explained to her why, and she is trying to remember - maybe she didn't deserve it.]
It is complicated. I'm not used there being no simple answer for it. [a sigh.] Thank you, Buzen. For thinking so kindly of me.
[ah, well that manages to get him to smile a little bit - gently amused.]
Afraid that's part of having a heart too, Shen-san... I've learned a lot about complicated feelings. But... you don't have to thank me for that. You really do make it easy, you know?
[straightforward, honest people - buzen tries to be that as much as possible. but in the end, he thinks that shenhe succeeds far past him.
eventually, his own memory hits. sorry to make you watch sword musicals.
You’re a traveler, and to these people, that’s all you’ll ever be. You speak with this man who doesn’t need to introduce himself - you know exactly who he is. Ota Dokan, the architect of Edo Castle, which withstood the tests of time and war to remain strong and steadfast into this modern day. You talk to him about all the beautiful things this world has to offer, and feel your heart warm knowing this person exists. He doesn’t ask your name, not that you would give it anyway.
(Not that it would matter. The Buzen Gou is already lost to history.)
You watch him join the men in building his creation, and promise them a grand feast at the end of their labor. It makes laughter spill from your lips before you can even stop it, and when Ame comes to get you, it almost feels too short. You say your farewells, and tuck this serendipitous little meeting into your heart. You hope that you don’t meet again.
Your friend is brought to his knees in a fight—and is just barely saved. Monstrous creatures come to his rescue and set him free. As the fighting dies down, it quickly becomes obvious to you as you step on the scene. On this day, Ota Dokan could survive. He could walk out of this battleground, and build so many more grand sights. He could help so many more people. He could enjoy life.
Your blade ends that dream abruptly. You cannot allow that to happen.
Ame—beloved, darling Ame who you treasure so dearly—tries to take on this responsibility from you. But Ame is different from you. Ame has never raised his blade against the very same humans that you’re sworn to protect. So you laugh it off, you tell him not to think about it, even though your inconvenient heart is beating painfully in your chest. Even though you understand a little bit more, why Tsuru-san said ‘you can’t complete missions like this unless you hate yourself’. Maybe you’re starting to learn to hate yourself. No, you can’t let him feel this. You can’t let any of the others feel this, for as long as you’re able.
You should be the only twisted blade that knows what it’s like to cut down the very same people you adore. You should be the only liar. ]
[no i was enthralled the entire time don't apologize
this - hits her in a way she isn't expecting, so much. for a lot of reasons. first - her heart aches for buzen. for the decision made. on a bigger scale, she understands that it was the right decision. on a bigger scale, based on what matsui has told her, this is the way that things have to be, and she thinks that buzen is stronger than her in having to do it. she would've broken the world for someone who showed her kindness like that. and maybe that's the second reason that it hits her, because she thinks about her own circumstances, and how gerard was right. he killed her because he thought she was most likely to snap. she was the most likely to destroy others for the sake of her own goals. sometimes you have to, to make things go right.
it takes a second, and then she tugs at buzen a little bit so she can hug him again.
she doesn't know the perfect thing to say, and she doesn't know how to give reassurances like him, it's - hard. it makes her tongue feel like lead. but she has learned that hugs help at least a little, when she feels too desolate to do anything else, and so that's what she does.]
I think... [she starts, and then stops, struggling. a beat.] I think that maybe you are more human than you realize.
[she hopes he doesn't take that the wrong way - it's a compliment, in the most sincere form that she can manage.]
[the hug is easily accepted, so very much like second nature. and yet something about it almost makes buzen feel guilty, wondering if it's alright for him to accept comfort after what shenhe had just seen. despite this uncertainty - he melts into it, an embrace as warm as any other, because there's always some part of him that's willing to bend to others' requests.
at her words, he's surprised into laughter, a little surprised and marveling thing.]
.... probably. I'm still getting used to this heart.
[sheepishly, like he feels bad for not figuring out all the ways that emotions work in the three years that he's had.]
I guess... we're still ultimately just something in between. [not entirely human, not entirely blade. he's quiet for a moment longer, before he speaks again] ... I'm still sorry that you had to see that, Shen-san.
I'm not proud of it—killing a friend.
[and in the end, he can't help but wonder if it's still a sore point for her]
[or at least, she thinks she has, but. maybe it's a little bit of a sore point, but she doesn't blame him. it's not like he really had a choice. and while she's angry now, later, when it comes out that gerard did it because he also thought he had no choice, well. she'll be less mad then.
for now, it's too fresh.]
And I know you are not proud of it. You wouldn't be. I believe that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
it's only because he's run into a few of these this time that he doesn't just straight up slam into the barrier that's erected with the pig - but he does stumble, and he has to bring his hand out to catch himself. he blinks a few times furiously, and thinks briefly about what he'd heard from the others. he thinks about what he's come to see.
he doesn't know if he's ever been so angry. so many people have tried to tell him since he got here - that maybe humans are bad, that they're not worth all he does to protect them, that there is not reason enough to defend them. he's had a hard time being swayed. this is the first thing that really makes him so furious he entertains the argument.
but it doesn't last - because the emotions that rip through buzen are just as quick as he is - and instead he turns his head to face her. his expression falters, struggles to even out.]
... is it alright? If I ask for a hug.
no subject
he faces her, and she just nods, sort of dumbfounded. okay. yes.]
-- Did you see that?
no subject
Yeah. [a beat] I'm sorry. You deserved better than that.
no subject
... Yes. [she says, after a moment.] I'd like to think that too.
[she's still unsure, sometimes, but.] It was a long time ago.
no subject
[buzen doesn't really understand kids - it's crazy to him that humans can be that tiny sometimes - but he also knows that they can't do anything to deserve that cruelty. even if it might find them.]
... I'm glad you made it out of there.
no subject
[and that's more firm. she knows that she is. whether she did anything wrong or not, whether her cursed life was brought on by fate or by her father's actions, she is glad that it happened, because it led her here. it led her to this.]
I was the monster, in that cave. [she says, just - to talk, just to say something, to work through that. the work through how could you hurt anybody? because - she did.] It was that - that happening led to Gerard picking me to kill, I think.
[because they spoke, she told him a little bit of her story, and he wrote the rest of it for her.]
no subject
[in a way that made him think, because there are so many stories about youkai and the swords that are his comrades. the ways in which those blades were made famous because they were the ones who killed the monsters. but all it does is just make him question who gets to decide which spirits are friendly and which are foes]
But I... still don't know if I get it. Weren't you just trying to survive after what was done to you? Does that make you a monster?
no subject
[it stuck with her. for someone who thinks of herself as one, it was such a positive spin - it made her feel a little less alone.]
... I don't know if it does. Nahri, Wolfwood and Vash all told me that it didn't. And I think I'd like to believe them. But that is a different answer than what I was told by the adepti.
[they never used the word monster, but. she can read between the lines.]
no subject
but.]
I agree with your team.
If you think of yourself as a monster, in the way that Ylfa-san does... then I think that you should think of yourself in whatever way you want. It's what matters the most.
But I don't think you're a malevolent spirit. And I don't think that there's anything wrong with wanting to survive, with wanting to live, or exist. It's the feeling that I, even as a blade, understand... so if even a weapon can feel that way, it should be alright for you to.
no subject
she breathes in, and breathes out. and then she pulls away from him, but it's not abruptly or anything, it's slow, like she just wants to take a second to compose herself. she doesn't have her red ropes, and she isn't sure if wolfwood was right, that they never worked here in the first place, but... without them on, things feel a lot bigger and a lot less safe.
but maybe that's okay.]
I was starting to feel that way. [she says, quietly.] While I wasn't erased, I thought that it would be okay to live less like I was a danger to everybody. Wolfwood told me I should. But.
[but then she was erased. almost like a punishment. it felt a little like a punishment, and she doesn't know how to feel about it.]
no subject
... I've never felt that you're dangerous, Shen-san. I think you live honestly and openly. I think that's a really good thing. Even if you feel violent sometimes, you'd be surprised how many humans feel the exact same way - they just hide it.
[he measures his words in the next moment, trying to figure out how to put his thoughts into phrases]
I don't always act it... but I've lived a long time. I've seen a lot of people.
You aren't inherently better or worse than any of them. You just are. And... I think in the time we've been here, I can see it - people really like the person you are. I know I do.
People are going to have their reasons for trying to cut our time short—but they don't have to be right. I'm... learning that too.
no subject
... That is a good way to put it. [they have reasons, but they might not be noble or correct ones. gerard had explained to her why, and she is trying to remember - maybe she didn't deserve it.]
It is complicated. I'm not used there being no simple answer for it. [a sigh.] Thank you, Buzen. For thinking so kindly of me.
no subject
Afraid that's part of having a heart too, Shen-san... I've learned a lot about complicated feelings. But... you don't have to thank me for that. You really do make it easy, you know?
[straightforward, honest people - buzen tries to be that as much as possible. but in the end, he thinks that shenhe succeeds far past him.
eventually, his own memory hits. sorry to make you watch sword musicals.
no subject
this - hits her in a way she isn't expecting, so much. for a lot of reasons. first - her heart aches for buzen. for the decision made. on a bigger scale, she understands that it was the right decision. on a bigger scale, based on what matsui has told her, this is the way that things have to be, and she thinks that buzen is stronger than her in having to do it. she would've broken the world for someone who showed her kindness like that. and maybe that's the second reason that it hits her, because she thinks about her own circumstances, and how gerard was right. he killed her because he thought she was most likely to snap. she was the most likely to destroy others for the sake of her own goals. sometimes you have to, to make things go right.
it takes a second, and then she tugs at buzen a little bit so she can hug him again.
she doesn't know the perfect thing to say, and she doesn't know how to give reassurances like him, it's - hard. it makes her tongue feel like lead. but she has learned that hugs help at least a little, when she feels too desolate to do anything else, and so that's what she does.]
I think... [she starts, and then stops, struggling. a beat.] I think that maybe you are more human than you realize.
[she hopes he doesn't take that the wrong way - it's a compliment, in the most sincere form that she can manage.]
no subject
at her words, he's surprised into laughter, a little surprised and marveling thing.]
.... probably. I'm still getting used to this heart.
[sheepishly, like he feels bad for not figuring out all the ways that emotions work in the three years that he's had.]
I guess... we're still ultimately just something in between. [not entirely human, not entirely blade. he's quiet for a moment longer, before he speaks again] ... I'm still sorry that you had to see that, Shen-san.
I'm not proud of it—killing a friend.
[and in the end, he can't help but wonder if it's still a sore point for her]
no subject
[or at least, she thinks she has, but. maybe it's a little bit of a sore point, but she doesn't blame him. it's not like he really had a choice. and while she's angry now, later, when it comes out that gerard did it because he also thought he had no choice, well. she'll be less mad then.
for now, it's too fresh.]
And I know you are not proud of it. You wouldn't be. I believe that.