I... think I am a little disappointed in myself. [...] Ylfa, Gerard, and Haru were my friends. And yet I have never wanted something to die as much as I have wanted their team to die.
[it spooked her a little! with how strongly she felt. still feels, if she's being really honest.]
buzen will just reach over then, placing a hand on her shoulder if he's allowed]
Shen-san... They killed you, lied to everybody about it, got away with it, and then they killed someone else that you seemed close with. [he doesn't know shenhe's relationship with fei du, but his eq is good enough that he can tell there was a closeness there] Then in trial, they kept arguing with someone else you care a lot about too. Don't get me wrong, they're still my friends... but it'd be way weirder if you didn't feel anything about it.
[buzen doesn't really care much for choosing sides when everyone's behaving badly because the system sucks
sometimes you just really like everybody but some choices are still bad]
And sometimes, even if we're not proud of it, there's still gonna be an urge to react violently. It just... matters what you do with that urge, I guess. If you think it's worth it. Or at least... well, that's just what I think.
when it's laid out to her like that, she feels a little less like she's being compressed. she's been feeling guilty about it, because she isn't sure what's appropriate to feel - she's never felt this much, like. ever. not since she was very small, which buzen knows now.
the thing is, she knows the system sucks. she knows that this is not a game that's fair or meant to be won in a way that leaves everybody feeling okay at the end of it, and so... it feels unfair to be this angry about it. to hurt about it.]
Fei Du is important to me. [she says, quietly.] And Nahri even more. I think that she was brave, today.
[a pause.]
I don't know what I'll do. [...] But if Haru wakes up here tomorrow, I won't hurt him.
Mm... okay. [he nods at that, understanding] That's kind of you... and I can't say I don't appreciate it.
[it's that specific action of attacking a kid that kind of sets off the swords something really bad.]
... but you're allowed to be mad at him. At Ylfa-san and Ge-san. He's the one who said it himself.
[ . . . ]
I haven't forgiven Sweet Theory either. I'm not proud of it, because I wish I could get over it... but because it was my whole team, and not just me, I'm not ready yet. Because when you love someone, you want to defend them.
[he's a little unsure about bringing it up - he knows this is about shenhe, not him.... but maybe it'll feel just a little bit less alone. to know that sometimes your heart will do something that you don't even want it to.]
I don't think... that having those emotions makes either of us bad, Shen-san.
[as much of a bad person as shenhe thinks she is, she's not sure she could bring herself to hurt a kid. gerard is one thing, but she wouldn't hurt haru for a lot of reasons.]
... I don't think that I'm as angry at him as I am Ylfa and Gerard.
[which feels true. she's kind of working through it as she talks.]
I understand why you are angry with Sweet Theory. [she says, tilting her head back.] I am still angry with one member in particular. I wasn't ready to lose any of you. But it's only because I've experienced certain things that I feel a little differently from you.
... I care, and you care, and that is just how it is.
[sometimes your heart does what it wants. she's quiet for a moment, and then:]
I think that I am not built to be a good person. I told Nahri I would try, but it's a struggle to do it every day.
he nods along though... in the end, buzen doesn't even hate sweet theory and the chances of him trying to kill any of them are slim to none when he doesn't see a huge point in it. but he also can't forgive them.
those are the complicated relationships he's trying to learn more about - like how to feel about wanting to kill the people that you called friends before.
but at the last statement, he finds himself curious]
... what do you think makes a good person, Shen-san?
[it makes him smile a little, not meanly, but just... in empathy. he gets it. his hand moves from her shoulder to between her shoulderblades, moving up and down in a sympathetic gesture]
If it helps, I don't think I'm meant to be a good person either. Most blades probably aren't cut out for it.
... but even in humanity, there's good people who do bad stuff or bad people who do good stuff. It's hard to wrap my head around sometimes...
So I think maybe it's just easier to be like - what stuff makes me happy, what stuff can I tolerate, and what pisses me off.
And you follow that, and try to hurt as few people along the way but still answer what's right for you.
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Tell me honestly. [she says, finally.] Did you think less of me, today?
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Eh? [that's so elegant, buzen] Ah—my answer's no.... but why are you even asking...?
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I... think I am a little disappointed in myself. [...] Ylfa, Gerard, and Haru were my friends. And yet I have never wanted something to die as much as I have wanted their team to die.
[it spooked her a little! with how strongly she felt. still feels, if she's being really honest.]
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buzen will just reach over then, placing a hand on her shoulder if he's allowed]
Shen-san... They killed you, lied to everybody about it, got away with it, and then they killed someone else that you seemed close with. [he doesn't know shenhe's relationship with fei du, but his eq is good enough that he can tell there was a closeness there] Then in trial, they kept arguing with someone else you care a lot about too. Don't get me wrong, they're still my friends... but it'd be way weirder if you didn't feel anything about it.
[buzen doesn't really care much for choosing sides when everyone's behaving badly because the system sucks
sometimes you just really like everybody but some choices are still bad]
And sometimes, even if we're not proud of it, there's still gonna be an urge to react violently. It just... matters what you do with that urge, I guess. If you think it's worth it. Or at least... well, that's just what I think.
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when it's laid out to her like that, she feels a little less like she's being compressed. she's been feeling guilty about it, because she isn't sure what's appropriate to feel - she's never felt this much, like. ever. not since she was very small, which buzen knows now.
the thing is, she knows the system sucks. she knows that this is not a game that's fair or meant to be won in a way that leaves everybody feeling okay at the end of it, and so... it feels unfair to be this angry about it. to hurt about it.]
Fei Du is important to me. [she says, quietly.] And Nahri even more. I think that she was brave, today.
[a pause.]
I don't know what I'll do. [...] But if Haru wakes up here tomorrow, I won't hurt him.
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[it's that specific action of attacking a kid that kind of sets off the swords something really bad.]
... but you're allowed to be mad at him. At Ylfa-san and Ge-san. He's the one who said it himself.
[ . . . ]
I haven't forgiven Sweet Theory either. I'm not proud of it, because I wish I could get over it... but because it was my whole team, and not just me, I'm not ready yet. Because when you love someone, you want to defend them.
[he's a little unsure about bringing it up - he knows this is about shenhe, not him.... but maybe it'll feel just a little bit less alone. to know that sometimes your heart will do something that you don't even want it to.]
I don't think... that having those emotions makes either of us bad, Shen-san.
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... I don't think that I'm as angry at him as I am Ylfa and Gerard.
[which feels true. she's kind of working through it as she talks.]
I understand why you are angry with Sweet Theory. [she says, tilting her head back.] I am still angry with one member in particular. I wasn't ready to lose any of you. But it's only because I've experienced certain things that I feel a little differently from you.
... I care, and you care, and that is just how it is.
[sometimes your heart does what it wants. she's quiet for a moment, and then:]
I think that I am not built to be a good person. I told Nahri I would try, but it's a struggle to do it every day.
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he nods along though... in the end, buzen doesn't even hate sweet theory and the chances of him trying to kill any of them are slim to none when he doesn't see a huge point in it. but he also can't forgive them.
those are the complicated relationships he's trying to learn more about - like how to feel about wanting to kill the people that you called friends before.
but at the last statement, he finds himself curious]
... what do you think makes a good person, Shen-san?
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and then finally, frustrated:]
... I'm not sure. I just think that I am not always accomplishing whatever it is.
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If it helps, I don't think I'm meant to be a good person either. Most blades probably aren't cut out for it.
... but even in humanity, there's good people who do bad stuff or bad people who do good stuff. It's hard to wrap my head around sometimes...
So I think maybe it's just easier to be like - what stuff makes me happy, what stuff can I tolerate, and what pisses me off.
And you follow that, and try to hurt as few people along the way but still answer what's right for you.