[ . . . the way buzen really wishes that he could borrow healing right now but. he can't. so instead he's just going to go and approach, expression clearly worried but his voice remains soft.]
[she stares down at his hands, afraid to take them. was he... he was part of the mission. so he didn't - have a side, right? he didn't have a side, and she wasn't supposed to kill him. so it's okay that he's alive. he's not a broken body at the feet of a monster.]
I... I couldn't do what you did. [she says, finally. her breathing whistles a bit when she inhales.] And I broke everything.
[his expression stutters then, heartbreak and empathy coming in tandem. that means the mission was in jeopardy - but he reminds himself that it's not a real mission. that she shouldn't have been in that position in the first place. (it takes a second, but he succeeds. but there are some things so ingrained in him, for reasons shenhe probably understand too well now.)
he keeps his hands out, waiting patiently.]
... it wasn't real. [a soft, gentle reminder] You didn't break history.
But I know that doesn't take away from what this place asked you to do. [and then more firmly:] You shouldn't have had to. You should've never had to be in that position.
[it takes a long second for her to put her hands in his. they're covered in blood, and she can't look for too long. she keeps focusing in and out, half in one place and half in another.]
There were... there were rebels. [she says, staring up at the sky instead.] I was - I was an axe. I was like you. Divine Axe of Devastation.
[he doesn't really pull away from holding her blood paws in his, almost like he's familiar with it. in a way, he is. one day when they were both still swords matsui left him to go on this mission - and when he came back, everything was different. everything was red.
this feels like that, again.]
... that's a pretty cool title. [softly, like he's still trying to be gentle with her]
That one... That was my first mission, too. [a beat] I didn't even really... realize what was going on until about halfway through it. To call it painful... It doesn't even really come close.
[gentleness helps. like pulling a frightened animal out from the corner they've wedged themselves into. cool title, he says, and her shoulders come down from around her ears just a little bit.]
Rang and I. [she starts, stuttering a little at this.] ... Did you have a side? We found rebels, and... and we tried to save them.
[ . . . he takes a breath in, measured, before he lets his thumbs run over the back of shenhe's hand even with the blood. a soft, soothing motion.]
... you're kind people. [they've talked before, about how it's hard to be good. buzen still thinks it is. but he understands always wanting to be kind... he wishes he could be too.] Of course you'd want to.
[even if that's not history. even if it hurts for him to think about.]
When I had to go... Tsuru-san put me and Matsu on the Shogunate side. Everyone else stayed with the rebels. [a beat] He did it because... that's Matsu's history. Being the one to have to spill Christian blood. That's... why he is the way he is.
[because he also wanted to save them, but couldn't.]
[she shudders a bit, when he pets at the back of her hand.]
I understand him. [she says, quietly, closing her eyes. she has since the start, at least a little. more now, in the worst of ways.
she understands that it was necessary. she eventually did what she was told, but it was too late. in the end, the only thing that she did was make it so that nahri and wolfwood didn't stand back up again. it's a small, small comfort.
there's a pause.] I killed Nahri. And Wolfwood.
[maybe if she says it out loud, she'll feel less like a monster. it's a long shot.]
They're on the other side, Shen-san. They're okay.
[he reminds her first, because he does think it's important. he remembers his own frustration when matsui came out of his own thursday mission, and struggled to comprehend reality. this is the least he can do for nahri and wolfwood on this side.
but it doesn't take away from the emotional weight of what she had to do.]
.... I know you'd never do that to them. You know that too. It was a cruel trick of this place, using unfair rules on you.
I don't... [he runs his tongue behind his teeth, trying to articulate the words right, but they feel hard. sharp.] ... I don't want you to understand Matsu that closely. I love him more than anything—but he's suffering.
matsui and buzen have two very different responses to what they experienced at shimabara. matsui's despair truly only amplified, and he lives in an existence where it feels like he must constantly, consistently atone for what he's done. buzen's response is less catholic, instead falling into a quiet type of acceptance that he is too used to death. that he will be the tool to carry heavy burdens to shield everyone else he loves.
even still, he's doing his best to try to convince both himself and matsui that it's okay to move forward. how can he convince shenhe?
he gives her hands a gentle squeeze.]
... you won't be. This can be washed off. [literally, maybe, but] You might not be able to forget it, but the blood isn't forever.
There's more to life than this. There's singing, and dancing. There's holding onto the people you love. There's your reunion with the people who mean the world to you, and knowing that they will love you no matter what you've done.
It's okay to want it, and wait until you feel like you deserve it again.
[because it's hard to imagine she feels that way now - buzen knows that sometimes he questions it too]
You don't have to hurt anyone anymore - not like that, ever again.
there's still hope in the world, is what he tells her. there are people who love you and there are things that she can still experience. she isn't cut off from everything because of what she did. she doesn't think she's allowed to reach for it right now, but she wants to.
and buzen tells her that that is possible, and she believes him.]
... Alright. [she murmurs, finally, with a shivery little sigh.] Alright.
[ - before he actually goes to do it, rising just enough that he can wrap his arms around her in a loose hold. he doesn't hold on tight this time, waiting for her reaction first, because he doesn't want her to feel restrained. but he will regardless hold onto her, so long as she'll let him.]
I'm stained the same colors as you, Shen-san. [even if he never would've wished this on her, even if he wishes there was a way to take it all back so she'd never have to feel it] So we'll get through this together.
One day at a time... but it'll get easier, I promise. Little by little.
[she allows it - and when he waits, she shifts, resting her head against his shoulder. she just seems worn out, mostly. fuzzy, distant.
but she's not alone, and she'll take that. he knows what she saw. he has been through worse, probably, he's done this countless times, and she's amazed that he's still standing even so. if he can do it, she can.
so... she sighs. and:]
I believe you. [little by little. she'll take the comfort like this for now, and they'll make their way through it.] Thank you, Buzen.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
... can I sit?
no subject
... You're alive.
no subject
... yup.
[and instead of sitting, he'll just move to take a knee in front of her, hands up with his palms out in the space between them]
Alive and right here, Shen-san.
no subject
I... I couldn't do what you did. [she says, finally. her breathing whistles a bit when she inhales.] And I broke everything.
no subject
he keeps his hands out, waiting patiently.]
... it wasn't real. [a soft, gentle reminder] You didn't break history.
But I know that doesn't take away from what this place asked you to do. [and then more firmly:] You shouldn't have had to. You should've never had to be in that position.
no subject
There were... there were rebels. [she says, staring up at the sky instead.] I was - I was an axe. I was like you. Divine Axe of Devastation.
[a little cough.]
no subject
this feels like that, again.]
... that's a pretty cool title. [softly, like he's still trying to be gentle with her]
That one... That was my first mission, too. [a beat] I didn't even really... realize what was going on until about halfway through it. To call it painful... It doesn't even really come close.
no subject
Rang and I. [she starts, stuttering a little at this.] ... Did you have a side? We found rebels, and... and we tried to save them.
[her hand twitches.]
no subject
... you're kind people. [they've talked before, about how it's hard to be good. buzen still thinks it is. but he understands always wanting to be kind... he wishes he could be too.] Of course you'd want to.
[even if that's not history. even if it hurts for him to think about.]
When I had to go... Tsuru-san put me and Matsu on the Shogunate side. Everyone else stayed with the rebels. [a beat] He did it because... that's Matsu's history. Being the one to have to spill Christian blood. That's... why he is the way he is.
[because he also wanted to save them, but couldn't.]
no subject
I understand him. [she says, quietly, closing her eyes. she has since the start, at least a little. more now, in the worst of ways.
she understands that it was necessary. she eventually did what she was told, but it was too late. in the end, the only thing that she did was make it so that nahri and wolfwood didn't stand back up again. it's a small, small comfort.
there's a pause.] I killed Nahri. And Wolfwood.
[maybe if she says it out loud, she'll feel less like a monster. it's a long shot.]
no subject
They're on the other side, Shen-san. They're okay.
[he reminds her first, because he does think it's important. he remembers his own frustration when matsui came out of his own thursday mission, and struggled to comprehend reality. this is the least he can do for nahri and wolfwood on this side.
but it doesn't take away from the emotional weight of what she had to do.]
.... I know you'd never do that to them. You know that too. It was a cruel trick of this place, using unfair rules on you.
I don't... [he runs his tongue behind his teeth, trying to articulate the words right, but they feel hard. sharp.] ... I don't want you to understand Matsu that closely. I love him more than anything—but he's suffering.
I don't want either of you to suffer.
no subject
(it still helps to hear it.)
she looks down at their hands. coughs, breath whistling.]
I don't know if I can... if I can avoid it. [she says, finally, voice wavering. and then:] I don't want to be covered in blood.
[it's half her own, and the other half is wolfwood's, nahri's, and she has a very strong stomach but this makes her feel like she wants to be sick.]
no subject
matsui and buzen have two very different responses to what they experienced at shimabara. matsui's despair truly only amplified, and he lives in an existence where it feels like he must constantly, consistently atone for what he's done. buzen's response is less catholic, instead falling into a quiet type of acceptance that he is too used to death. that he will be the tool to carry heavy burdens to shield everyone else he loves.
even still, he's doing his best to try to convince both himself and matsui that it's okay to move forward. how can he convince shenhe?
he gives her hands a gentle squeeze.]
... you won't be. This can be washed off. [literally, maybe, but] You might not be able to forget it, but the blood isn't forever.
There's more to life than this. There's singing, and dancing. There's holding onto the people you love. There's your reunion with the people who mean the world to you, and knowing that they will love you no matter what you've done.
It's okay to want it, and wait until you feel like you deserve it again.
[because it's hard to imagine she feels that way now - buzen knows that sometimes he questions it too]
You don't have to hurt anyone anymore - not like that, ever again.
no subject
there's still hope in the world, is what he tells her. there are people who love you and there are things that she can still experience. she isn't cut off from everything because of what she did. she doesn't think she's allowed to reach for it right now, but she wants to.
and buzen tells her that that is possible, and she believes him.]
... Alright. [she murmurs, finally, with a shivery little sigh.] Alright.
[that will have to be enough, for now.]
no subject
I'm going to hug you.
[ - before he actually goes to do it, rising just enough that he can wrap his arms around her in a loose hold. he doesn't hold on tight this time, waiting for her reaction first, because he doesn't want her to feel restrained. but he will regardless hold onto her, so long as she'll let him.]
I'm stained the same colors as you, Shen-san. [even if he never would've wished this on her, even if he wishes there was a way to take it all back so she'd never have to feel it] So we'll get through this together.
One day at a time... but it'll get easier, I promise. Little by little.
no subject
but she's not alone, and she'll take that. he knows what she saw. he has been through worse, probably, he's done this countless times, and she's amazed that he's still standing even so. if he can do it, she can.
so... she sighs. and:]
I believe you. [little by little. she'll take the comfort like this for now, and they'll make their way through it.] Thank you, Buzen.