she will find him at the park, literally just running laps and laps and laps around it. occasionally, as if suddenly seized by something, he will break out into a more intense sprint like he's trying to knock the literal wind out of his lungs - and then he eases back to a pace that is... well, still grueling to be honest.
well - she stands at the edge of the park watching him for a minute, and then - she joins him. she will run with him, because she's not sure what else to do. she's pretty sure she can't stop him, but. he doesn't have to be alone? she can start with this.
he might catch her thoughts, distant and disjointed, just keep up with him, what do i do, just run]
[well! when she gets closer, shenhe might hear it - the thousands of whispering, overlapping voices in buzen's head that make it almost impossible for him to think. and yet maybe that's what he wants? maybe he doesn't want to think, and that's why he's trying to push both his body and mind to the limit until he doesn't have to exist anymore.
[she flinches a bit, when it hits her - but she doesn't stop. she keeps up as best she can, and while he probably is going to end up being able to run a lot longer than her, she's trying.
she thinks about last week. she thinks about what helped her, and she hesitates because she isn't sure it'd help him - and she's very sure that matsui would kill her if she suggested it. but.]
Buzen. [she says, out of breath, tired. she's trying to keep up.] Buzen.
[it's when she actually speaks - when she says his name and makes it clear she wants to talk instead of just run - that he slows down. he's also out of breath, but he was ready to keep pushing himself further and further still. the voices don't quite go away, but he does look over to hear and does his best to give her his attention.
as much as he has to spare right now.]
... Shen-san...
[if i tried to kill you, you'd kill me first, wouldn't you?]
[ . . . he looks at the offered hand for a long moment and he just runs a hand through his hair. it's clear he wants to. he doesn't like denying people. he doesn't like leaving them hanging. but—]
If a mission asked me to, I would.
[shenhe knows that so personally now. the extent to which missions have to be followed for swords, and how it destroys buzen to admit that.
i'm scared something's going to ask me too, again.]
[she keeps her hand there, because he did for her. he was patient. she can be too.]
I know. [because he's right - she does know, she knows intimately the consequences of not following through, of disobeying orders. her worldview wasn't big enough for that, before here. she'd never been in charge of making sure anything more than her and her master's wants were fulfilled. even the help she gave the traveler wasn't on the same level. even that was new.
and she knows why he's scared, because of what she experienced.]
I don't have a way to reassure you that nothing will ask you to do that again. [...] But I don't want you to be afraid.
Right now, nothing is going to ask you to hurt me.
the torn expression really wars on his face. he doesn't want to push people away. that's not at the core of who he is, but he feels like he should. for their own well-being. it's so difficult. it's so hard.
he brings his hands up to scrub at his face first, as if that'll help keep his thoughts from muddling.]
... if it does - fight back. Please.
[because he's tired of always being the most dangerous person in the room because no one expects him to be, and then still doling out violence without any repercussions. he's tired of being a weapon.
a moment later, he'll let his hand fall to rest in hers. light, so she can pull back at any moment, but... there.]
... good. Then I can expect at least a few scratches on me, at the very least.
[and he really sounds nothing short of relieved.
he actually doesn't know who would win between the two of them when they're fighting in earnest, and that feels good. it feels less like a massacre and a slaughter. buzen likes fighting, he doesn't like destroying.
but when he's the only one who walked out of that adventure without a single injury to his name, he truly feels like he was leaning toward one more than the other.]
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she will find him at the park, literally just running laps and laps and laps around it. occasionally, as if suddenly seized by something, he will break out into a more intense sprint like he's trying to knock the literal wind out of his lungs - and then he eases back to a pace that is... well, still grueling to be honest.
and then he just keeps going and going and going]
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well - she stands at the edge of the park watching him for a minute, and then - she joins him. she will run with him, because she's not sure what else to do. she's pretty sure she can't stop him, but. he doesn't have to be alone? she can start with this.
he might catch her thoughts, distant and disjointed, just keep up with him, what do i do, just run]
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maybe existing is bad, actually.]
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she thinks about last week. she thinks about what helped her, and she hesitates because she isn't sure it'd help him - and she's very sure that matsui would kill her if she suggested it. but.]
Buzen. [she says, out of breath, tired. she's trying to keep up.] Buzen.
no subject
as much as he has to spare right now.]
... Shen-san...
[if i tried to kill you, you'd kill me first, wouldn't you?]
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[she says, first, moving a little closer. she doesn't touch him, but she drags in a deep breath before offering her hand out to him. just an offer.]
... I would defend myself. [she answers that thought, firmly.] But you have no reason to do that, now.
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If a mission asked me to, I would.
[shenhe knows that so personally now. the extent to which missions have to be followed for swords, and how it destroys buzen to admit that.
i'm scared something's going to ask me too, again.]
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I know. [because he's right - she does know, she knows intimately the consequences of not following through, of disobeying orders. her worldview wasn't big enough for that, before here. she'd never been in charge of making sure anything more than her and her master's wants were fulfilled. even the help she gave the traveler wasn't on the same level. even that was new.
and she knows why he's scared, because of what she experienced.]
I don't have a way to reassure you that nothing will ask you to do that again. [...] But I don't want you to be afraid.
Right now, nothing is going to ask you to hurt me.
no subject
the torn expression really wars on his face. he doesn't want to push people away. that's not at the core of who he is, but he feels like he should. for their own well-being. it's so difficult. it's so hard.
he brings his hands up to scrub at his face first, as if that'll help keep his thoughts from muddling.]
... if it does - fight back. Please.
[because he's tired of always being the most dangerous person in the room because no one expects him to be, and then still doling out violence without any repercussions. he's tired of being a weapon.
a moment later, he'll let his hand fall to rest in hers. light, so she can pull back at any moment, but... there.]
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[and very carefully, when he rests his hand in hers, she links their fingers. she understands not wanting to be a weapon.]
I will fight you with everything that I have. [that, at least, she can promise.]
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[and he really sounds nothing short of relieved.
he actually doesn't know who would win between the two of them when they're fighting in earnest, and that feels good. it feels less like a massacre and a slaughter. buzen likes fighting, he doesn't like destroying.
but when he's the only one who walked out of that adventure without a single injury to his name, he truly feels like he was leaning toward one more than the other.]