You're picky.... Should I fight back just enough to make it fun, then?
[though he's not sure! how much that is! but also it's fine as a request, he doesn't mind being playful in the slightest. he even leans toward it a little, even though it's something that gets unlocked the closer you are to him.
I don't like upsetting people... but with my friends, I don't mind playing around a bit more. Does that make us friends, if that's what you want from me?
[the way that if nothing has changed during the moments i play buzen is that he has nothing but the audacity,
anyway,]
Hmm... I think so? I hope to understand them more in the time I get, after all... [he doesn't shy away from them unlike SOME swords] Is it like what we talked about before, Lam-san? Love?
I don't know about friends, but I don't want you holding back with me. Is that what you want?
[ things meltryllis wants: to be treated like she's just a girl things meltryllis also wants: to not be treated like everyone else because she thinks she's better than most
he can have a little audacity. that's the only way you get anywhere with lambda. anyway, because he guessed it on the first go: ]
Mm. Yes. That Meltryllis was in love. She flew from her muddy lake for love.
[ LOVE IS A DREAM!!! AND A BUG!! it's a virus..... ]
I doubt the person who did it will come forward because they're sure I'll kick them.
[ she sounds a bit disconnected from it because if she has to think about it too long, she'll lose her cool, and that's something she hates. it's almost as much as she hates having her emotions toyed with when her emotions are one of the few things she can call her own. ]
You’re a traveler, and to these people, that’s all you’ll ever be. You speak with this man who doesn’t need to introduce himself - you know exactly who he is. Ota Dokan, the architect of Edo Castle, which withstood the tests of time and war to remain strong and steadfast into this modern day. You talk to him about all the beautiful things this world has to offer, and feel your heart warm knowing this person exists. He doesn’t ask your name, not that you would give it anyway.
(Not that it would matter. The Buzen Gou is already lost to history.)
You watch him join the men in building his creation, and promise them a grand feast at the end of their labor. It makes laughter spill from your lips before you can even stop it, and when Ame comes to get you, it almost feels too short. You say your farewells, and tuck this serendipitous little meeting into your heart. You hope that you don’t meet again.
Your friend is brought to his knees in a fight—and is just barely saved. Monstrous creatures come to his rescue and set him free. As the fighting dies down, it quickly becomes obvious to you as you step on the scene. On this day, Ota Dokan could survive. He could walk out of this battleground, and build so many more grand sights. He could help so many more people. He could enjoy life.
Your blade ends that dream abruptly. You cannot allow that to happen.
Ame—beloved, darling Ame who you treasure so dearly—tries to take on this responsibility from you. But Ame is different from you. Ame has never raised his blade against the very same humans that you’re sworn to protect. So you laugh it off, you tell him not to think about it, even though your inconvenient heart is beating painfully in your chest. Even though you understand a little bit more, why Tsuru-san said ‘you can’t complete missions like this unless you hate yourself’. Maybe you’re starting to learn to hate yourself. No, you can’t let him feel this. You can’t let any of the others feel this, for as long as you’re able.
You should be the only twisted blade that knows what it’s like to cut down the very same people you adore. You should be the only liar. ]
[ it's difficult because once upon a time, meltryllis thought it'd be better to kill and absorb someone she loved because it'd keep them safe, if she could keep them all to herself, if she could make it so it was only her and that person.
it's also difficult because where lambda does honor her contracts and her duty, she has in the past refused her orders enough that she was punished and discard for it. she understands how hurtful it is to save history because she's seen it, and she understands the gravity of timelines at stake.
still, there's one thing that sticks out to her the most in this memory. ]
[ . . . hmmm. he blinks in surprise at the question, because he's never thought too hard about it. whatever curling, unhappy feeling in his heart that might've been there - he grew to accept it. that there were moments that he couldn't be proud of who he was, and what he had to do, but he still chose it every time.]
... not most of the time, I think.
[buzen is confident. he chooses kindness whenever he can - but that decision comes from the fact that there are so many moments he can't.]
That's good. I don't think you should, for what you had to do or what you choose to do.
[ if it's true to him, or if he thinks he's a liar for it, well, she doesn't really think of it as being a liar.
not that it can't or shouldn't hurt, not that he shouldn't feel anything about what he does to people he likes, admires, or cares for, but hate is such an ugly emotion to feel for yourself. ]
[ . . . he looks thoughtful for a few moments, trying to reflect on it.]
... it's just something that a Captain I admired said, during a really difficult time. That sometimes, we can't accomplish what we have to without hating ourselves.
When I have to raise my sword against a friend or an innocent stranger... I just get what he means.
He's the one who made me think for a little bit that maybe swords are just tools to make mistakes. Sometimes, that's what we are. Not all the time, I hope... but - sometimes.
[ she's not sure if she understands hating yourself to accomplish something. she knows of hating herself when she can't, when she can't do what she wants, but it's not in the way she functions or how she's programmed. her heart doesn't get twisted when she lies or kills, when she has to hit betray to further a goal. ]
You don't choose all your missions or objectives. You weren't the one who made the history you're sent to protect.
[ is history a mistake? is history mistake after mistake? maybe. she has no personal stake in history. ]
It could be you're making a mistake. It won't always feel right. I don't think anyone can, in our position, when we're used as tools. We are choosing duty over life, and I don't think you have to like your duty all the time. I don't think you should.
[his answer to that is simple, and he thinks it's obvious after that memory but he can at least honestly say:] ... I don't.
[he doesn't like his duty all the time, he doesn't think it's always right, and he doesn't like what happens when he fails to complete his duty either. there is no winning, in the world of touken ranbu.]
I don't know if I always understand how you and Rang and Dee-san feel, considering how much you dislike humans. Sometimes, I dislike what humans choose to.
... but maybe it's because I was forged for them, that I still can't find it in me to hate them.
[so buzen just dislikes himself sometimes instead]
I dislike them because so many of them don't choose to face their actions and choices for what they are. The way they attack things or people they don't know or don't understand, as if the unknown would threaten them just by existing.
[ she can recognize when she was a full antagonist and preyed on a bunch of people. she's unrepentant about it, but she's never dressed it up as anything it wasn't because she never cared if other people thought it was horrible. ]
You don't have to hate anyone, but I don't think just because someone creates you means they deserve your automatic acceptance.
[ lambda can't stand the person who created her. ]
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[though he's not sure! how much that is! but also it's fine as a request, he doesn't mind being playful in the slightest. he even leans toward it a little, even though it's something that gets unlocked the closer you are to him.
he tilts his head]
What kind of purpose was the one in the memory?
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[ how is she supposed to feel, if it's something she won't think is completely genuine?
at his question, she sighs and looks away. ]
I wonder, if you're come to understand more of human emotions.
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I don't like upsetting people... but with my friends, I don't mind playing around a bit more. Does that make us friends, if that's what you want from me?
[the way that if nothing has changed during the moments i play buzen is that he has nothing but the audacity,
anyway,]
Hmm... I think so? I hope to understand them more in the time I get, after all... [he doesn't shy away from them unlike SOME swords] Is it like what we talked about before, Lam-san? Love?
no subject
I don't know about friends, but I don't want you holding back with me. Is that what you want?
[ things meltryllis wants: to be treated like she's just a girl
things meltryllis also wants: to not be treated like everyone else because she thinks she's better than most
he can have a little audacity. that's the only way you get anywhere with lambda. anyway, because he guessed it on the first go: ]
Mm. Yes. That Meltryllis was in love. She flew from her muddy lake for love.
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[not the way he's already more playful,,,
but he hums faintly....]
And you're... not in love anymore?
[buzen realizing weeks late that lambda was also cursed :) well he had a guess but now might as well ask for sure]
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[ she takes off her sunglasses and rests them on the top of her head.
her expression freezes, and she regrets taking her sunglasses off in this moment like a fool, but she can't act like she made a mistake. ugh. ]
Much in the way you and Rang were in love, so was I.
[ it was a false dream, and she tries not to linger on feelings she'll never have again.
ALSO IT'S SUNDAY WHERE'S MY MEMORY DANA ]
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but at the confirmation, he frowns.]
... I'm sorry, then. That something that important to you was played around with.
If you find out who did it, I hope you get to kick them.
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I doubt the person who did it will come forward because they're sure I'll kick them.
[ she sounds a bit disconnected from it because if she has to think about it too long, she'll lose her cool, and that's something she hates. it's almost as much as she hates having her emotions toyed with when her emotions are one of the few things she can call her own. ]
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So I hope they own up to it.
[it's just the least that she deserves!! but ok here's the memory ara me not giving you a paraiso one because you've already seen paraiso -
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it's also difficult because where lambda does honor her contracts and her duty, she has in the past refused her orders enough that she was punished and discard for it. she understands how hurtful it is to save history because she's seen it, and she understands the gravity of timelines at stake.
still, there's one thing that sticks out to her the most in this memory. ]
Do you hate yourself?
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... not most of the time, I think.
[buzen is confident. he chooses kindness whenever he can - but that decision comes from the fact that there are so many moments he can't.]
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[ if it's true to him, or if he thinks he's a liar for it, well, she doesn't really think of it as being a liar.
not that it can't or shouldn't hurt, not that he shouldn't feel anything about what he does to people he likes, admires, or cares for, but hate is such an ugly emotion to feel for yourself. ]
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... it's just something that a Captain I admired said, during a really difficult time. That sometimes, we can't accomplish what we have to without hating ourselves.
When I have to raise my sword against a friend or an innocent stranger... I just get what he means.
He's the one who made me think for a little bit that maybe swords are just tools to make mistakes. Sometimes, that's what we are. Not all the time, I hope... but - sometimes.
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You don't choose all your missions or objectives. You weren't the one who made the history you're sent to protect.
[ is history a mistake? is history mistake after mistake? maybe. she has no personal stake in history. ]
It could be you're making a mistake. It won't always feel right. I don't think anyone can, in our position, when we're used as tools. We are choosing duty over life, and I don't think you have to like your duty all the time. I don't think you should.
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[he doesn't like his duty all the time, he doesn't think it's always right, and he doesn't like what happens when he fails to complete his duty either. there is no winning, in the world of touken ranbu.]
I don't know if I always understand how you and Rang and Dee-san feel, considering how much you dislike humans. Sometimes, I dislike what humans choose to.
... but maybe it's because I was forged for them, that I still can't find it in me to hate them.
[so buzen just dislikes himself sometimes instead]
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[ she can recognize when she was a full antagonist and preyed on a bunch of people. she's unrepentant about it, but she's never dressed it up as anything it wasn't because she never cared if other people thought it was horrible. ]
You don't have to hate anyone, but I don't think just because someone creates you means they deserve your automatic acceptance.
[ lambda can't stand the person who created her. ]