It seems like something if it's important enough for you to lie about it.
[honestly!! but also - ]
We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. But it seems like a pretty big thing for you, so I thought I should at least ask about it, because I care about you.
It wasn't that much of a lie. [ it was a lie of omission. ] I just don't like people knowing everything I can do.
[ even if there is little danger for buzen to know she has independent action, it's habit. ]
It doesn't change how I'm still contracted, and even if I can exist without one, I don't have the means to break the contract. That's not even addressing whether I want to or not.
I'm a little surprised but... if you wanted to go with me and Matsu, I feel like you could. [the Citadel would be pretty welcoming] Or if you want to go somewhere else.
[he's trying to be subtle but his brain really goes Rang?]
HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THE SUDDEN EMOTIONAL DIP but his own clearly become worried, and he doesn't know what else to do aside from just start by holding both of his hands out to her, worried]
[ it's an automatic motion, and she almost stops herself from taking his hands for a second but relents in the end. it's incredible how she's never held a hand before coming here, and how she holds sword hands all the time. ]
... You didn't say it. Part of the reason I didn't say anything was because of what you thought.
[ it's true she doesn't want everyone knowing all her abilities, but her deeper issue is, of course, whatever is going on with a fox.
[she has to hold hands! she's just a baby! buzen will just hold onto her hands for a moment longer - but then he'll pull her closer so that he can bring her into an embrace
his emotions are - complicated. there's the flash in the pan of anger, offense on her behalf, but he loves everyone involved so it's such a quick thing. in the end, he's just frustrated and concerned.]
He's an idiot and I want to talk to him. I'll admit that I won't, if you don't want me to.
[but i want to
his emotions just simmer to a boil - nothing chaotic, but worked up enough that he's frustrated with what he's been told. it's not good for either of them. he doesn't like it.]
He's scared and he's not willing to push past being scared to see if he can be happier - maybe not even happy, but I think that he wants people close and then tries to mess things up when he might lose them so it's easier.
It's not your fault. It's probably because he cares about you so much that he's scared of you at the same time—
[ he can talk to rang about it, if he wants. she knows she has to make a decision about what to do about it soon. they only have so much time left. she doesn't want to have any regrets. she's never had, and she's not about to start now. ]
I know he doesn't want to be abandoned anymore. I know he's been hurt by the only person he's ever admitted to loving.
I don't mind that he's scared, but...
[ the last time she tried getting someone to stay with her, it didn't end well. ]
I don't know how else to show him it's okay to be.
[BUZEN!!! but he doesn't seem to be willing to take back the words!!]
The world needs more love than less. It's not like Matsu and Netz-san - I feel like Rang cares about you right back. He's just making a bad choice for himself because he doesn't know how to handle it and that's dumb.
If he still wants to make it... fine. But one of my friends doesn't get to treat my other friend like this and expect me to not have an opinion on it.
[ that hilariously doesn't set off her yan, so she's fine with it? she just rests her head against him. she may be born from and to love, but she doesn't think it needs to be spread. ]
All he makes are terrible decisions.
[ she says it, half a grumble and half a sigh. love does not stop her from his flaws, fortunately or unfortunately. ]
I never expected anything in return. I told him that, too.
[ it's something that's both selfish and selfless about her. ]
[he shifts to make it more comfortable for her to lean against him, and goes with the default soothing motion he knows - just letting one hand run through her hair in repetitive little strokes]
Even if you don't expect love, you deserve it.
... both of you just - care so much. It's better if you care about each other. Maybe I'm looking at it too simplistically... but that is what I think.
... if it were, would I have to think about if I should or shouldn't let him go? Would I have to think about if it'd better if I didn't, or if it'd be better to kill him myself than wonder how he'll die where I can't see or think about how someone else will take him?
[ she has more thoughts of various levels of rationality and unhinged behavior, but buzen doesn't have to know the nitty gritty. ]
If it were that simple, Rang wouldn't be doing what he's doing.
[ if rang cares for her like buzen says he does. ]
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[honestly!! but also - ]
We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. But it seems like a pretty big thing for you, so I thought I should at least ask about it, because I care about you.
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It wasn't that much of a lie. [ it was a lie of omission. ] I just don't like people knowing everything I can do.
[ even if there is little danger for buzen to know she has independent action, it's habit. ]
It doesn't change how I'm still contracted, and even if I can exist without one, I don't have the means to break the contract. That's not even addressing whether I want to or not.
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I'm a little surprised but... if you wanted to go with me and Matsu, I feel like you could. [the Citadel would be pretty welcoming] Or if you want to go somewhere else.
[he's trying to be subtle but his brain really goes Rang?]
It's up to you.
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[ she hears his thought, rang's name, and to her credit, her expression doesn't falter at all, but her emotions do.
her emotions crumble, in the way a calm ocean becomes suddenly turbulent, dark and agitated. ]
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HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THE SUDDEN EMOTIONAL DIP but his own clearly become worried, and he doesn't know what else to do aside from just start by holding both of his hands out to her, worried]
Lam...?
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... You didn't say it. Part of the reason I didn't say anything was because of what you thought.
[ it's true she doesn't want everyone knowing all her abilities, but her deeper issue is, of course, whatever is going on with a fox.
he wants me to let him go. ]
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his emotions are - complicated. there's the flash in the pan of anger, offense on her behalf, but he loves everyone involved so it's such a quick thing. in the end, he's just frustrated and concerned.]
... are you going to listen to him?
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I don't want to. [ i thought about killing him. ] I don't want to let go. I don't want to let him go.
... But it's not love, if I don't listen to him a little. If it made him happier, I wouldn't hesitate to, but I know he isn't. I know he won't be.
[ she has her own anger and frustrations, a tinge of despair, an edge of possessiveness. ]
But as much as I want to trap him, I don't want to force his hand. I don't want him to be unhappy with me, too.
[ she's at war with her instincts and how she's grown to love. ]
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[but i want to
his emotions just simmer to a boil - nothing chaotic, but worked up enough that he's frustrated with what he's been told. it's not good for either of them. he doesn't like it.]
He's scared and he's not willing to push past being scared to see if he can be happier - maybe not even happy, but I think that he wants people close and then tries to mess things up when he might lose them so it's easier.
It's not your fault. It's probably because he cares about you so much that he's scared of you at the same time—
... but I can only guess.
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[ he can talk to rang about it, if he wants. she knows she has to make a decision about what to do about it soon. they only have so much time left. she doesn't want to have any regrets. she's never had, and she's not about to start now. ]
I know he doesn't want to be abandoned anymore. I know he's been hurt by the only person he's ever admitted to loving.
I don't mind that he's scared, but...
[ the last time she tried getting someone to stay with her, it didn't end well. ]
I don't know how else to show him it's okay to be.
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[BUZEN!!! but he doesn't seem to be willing to take back the words!!]
The world needs more love than less. It's not like Matsu and Netz-san - I feel like Rang cares about you right back. He's just making a bad choice for himself because he doesn't know how to handle it and that's dumb.
If he still wants to make it... fine. But one of my friends doesn't get to treat my other friend like this and expect me to not have an opinion on it.
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All he makes are terrible decisions.
[ she says it, half a grumble and half a sigh. love does not stop her from his flaws, fortunately or unfortunately. ]
I never expected anything in return. I told him that, too.
[ it's something that's both selfish and selfless about her. ]
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[he shifts to make it more comfortable for her to lean against him, and goes with the default soothing motion he knows - just letting one hand run through her hair in repetitive little strokes]
Even if you don't expect love, you deserve it.
... both of you just - care so much. It's better if you care about each other. Maybe I'm looking at it too simplistically... but that is what I think.
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[ she simply doesn't think people will love the way she loves, and that's okay. ]
I wish it could be simple like that.
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[he's curious, more than anything. he knows that there are people that he's come to love here, and lambda is one of them.
even if he knows the shape of love is different, for all of them]
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[ she has more thoughts of various levels of rationality and unhinged behavior, but buzen doesn't have to know the nitty gritty. ]
If it were that simple, Rang wouldn't be doing what he's doing.
[ if rang cares for her like buzen says he does. ]