[ this kind of behavior is something fei du should probably not be proud of - and it's not that he's proud, necessarily, but he's not ashamed of it, either. frankly, most of the people here who have seen the same memory have told him something similar. that it must have been effective, that it must have been worth it, and that's exactly what he thinks, too. it's a much rarer occasion for someone to point out how badly he's harmed himself in the process.
it does accomplish what he needs. fei du, as far as he's concerned, has no trauma at all. because that's healthy person thinking.
he laughs a little. ] Though, admittedly, it's a bit inconvenient, here. [ there is so much blood all the time ] But, I'd rather be inconvenienced than the alternative.
[there is truly so much blood all the time and also here in the graveyard there is matsui who loves to talk about blood all the time, but he looks a little perplexed]
.... what's the alternative?
[he can make the vague association - the shocks in response to horrible imagery. trying to make sure that he has a bad reaction to it.
The alternative is looking at people as disposable.
[ just like his father did. like an anthropomorphized piece of pork on a plate. like nothing. ] Or perhaps as stepping stones to a larger ambition. Or, being so self-centered as to believe that my own idea of what's just and right in the world locks out the experiences and pain of others.
I refuse to be that way. [ even if he acts like it, sometimes. fei du's bad behavior, his sometimes cruel or cavalier attitude, the way he talks - everything he does is a lie. he pretends to play with the big boys and the monsters, but in reality, he's like this, so desperately trying to protect others, so stubbornly set in being better than what fei chengyu tried to make him be, that he'd tear himself to shreds to do it. ]
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no subject
[ this kind of behavior is something fei du should probably not be proud of - and it's not that he's proud, necessarily, but he's not ashamed of it, either. frankly, most of the people here who have seen the same memory have told him something similar. that it must have been effective, that it must have been worth it, and that's exactly what he thinks, too. it's a much rarer occasion for someone to point out how badly he's harmed himself in the process.
it does accomplish what he needs. fei du, as far as he's concerned, has no trauma at all. because that's healthy person thinking.
he laughs a little. ] Though, admittedly, it's a bit inconvenient, here. [ there is so much blood all the time ] But, I'd rather be inconvenienced than the alternative.
no subject
.... what's the alternative?
[he can make the vague association - the shocks in response to horrible imagery. trying to make sure that he has a bad reaction to it.
but... if left alone... is it - no reaction?]
no subject
The alternative is looking at people as disposable.
[ just like his father did. like an anthropomorphized piece of pork on a plate. like nothing. ] Or perhaps as stepping stones to a larger ambition. Or, being so self-centered as to believe that my own idea of what's just and right in the world locks out the experiences and pain of others.
I refuse to be that way. [ even if he acts like it, sometimes. fei du's bad behavior, his sometimes cruel or cavalier attitude, the way he talks - everything he does is a lie. he pretends to play with the big boys and the monsters, but in reality, he's like this, so desperately trying to protect others, so stubbornly set in being better than what fei chengyu tried to make him be, that he'd tear himself to shreds to do it. ]