[ this title is not wrong though currently it feels like buzen is doing the most
by which i mean fei du is walking in the city with a little ikea soda in hand and a straw sticking out of it, which he is currently drinking out of, and saw this sight and is just. kind of watching it? as you do. ]
Fei-san, if you insist, but I’d prefer just Fei Du. [ he sounds amused, raising his eyebrows. ] Don’t stop on my account…Buzen, no?
Haha, if it's what you prefer, then shouldn't I oblige?
[but he's also not stopping! he's just very comfortable in this handstand, even shifting his weight to one hand to let the other rest over his heart in greeting!]
That's me! Buzen Gou, at your service. Nice to meet'cha.
[ he sure is still doing a handstand. his eyebrows slightly raise when he switches to one handed, mouth falling into a little smile. looking subtly yet disrespectfully. abs. ]
You too. Acrobatics practice? Strength training? You're very talented at it.
after all of that, fei du can be found innnn the ikea. he's sitting in a chair tucked away a bit, a green jacket slung around his shoulders, and most importantly, there's very soft music playing from his phone that's sitting on his lap.
his eyes are closed, but, at least it doesn't look like he's asleep or anything! ]
anyway. the rare not running buzen... when fei du hears footsteps, he does rouse a bit - rather, his eyes slowly open, and he looks at the person addressing him, coming back into focus. it looks like he may have been lost in thought - as the dulcet tones of josh groban continue, he presses pause in his music and then readjusts how he's sitting, giving buzen a gentle smile. ]
That's a sweet offer. You must be busy, running around and taking care of others, today...? I could use a snack, I think. [ considering he emptied his stomach like an hour ago. sometimes u disassociate. ] But, maybe you'd take a break and enjoy one with me?
[the museum is an interesting place. buzen waves hello to every single artifact that he sees, polite as though seeing an old friend. though as he wanders further in, he'll catch sight of something that makes him stop -
and then instantly teleport over, as though he couldn't wait another second before he makes contact]
Kuwa— Kotegiri?!
[two swords sit in cases - one of them the same length as buzen's sword at his hip, the other a bit shorter. the longer is labeled as Kuwana Gou (Uchigatana) and the other is labeled Kotegiri Gou (Wakizashi)]
[ why is this so charming. it's kind of funny watching buzen bounce around from place to place, so fei du, who was just sort of admiring the familiar looking sets of armor and swords, ends up half following buzen, though it's at a sedate, relaxed pace.
when he sees him drift teleport that fast, though, curiousity takes over - he approaches, hands behind his back. obligatory fit check included. ]
They are. They're also Gou swords, like me and Matsu.
[so that's already something, considering how close buzen and matsui come off. but the longer that he lingers around here, the more confused he looks. he moves to hover his ear over the glass, as though trying to listen for something.]
... you don't hear anything - do you, Fei Du? Don't see anything besides the blades either, right...
[ well!! at some point, buzen might have seen fei du disappear into the cathedral holding a cup of tea. but he comes back out a little while later, sans said cup of tea, and looking a bit reflective.
but, when he spots buzen, he makes his way over, and dips his head, in greeting. ]
[ he tilts his head back towards the cathedral, briefly, and then looks back at buzen. his expression's a little hard to read - brows knit together, though. worried. ]
... I don't need help, really - more so, I came to check on you - all of you.
[ hello i am just tossing you directly into a memory. we are standing here! there is a pig!!
the piggy shows this fun little memory.]
[ after zhou huaixin is stabbed, repeatedly, in front of you, after you speak with his brother, after you call luo wenzhou and he picks you up, after the entire debacle with him in your house, you finally, finally, get a moment to yourself and your thoughts.
and that's the thing about it - they are your thoughts. they've been drilled into you by the malicious and purposeful actions of your father, who showed his love to you by making sure you were his protege. countless lessons were taught in the basement of the home where your family spent the most of their time. countless images as you sat at a tiny, rosewood desk, and watched your father beat your mother. countless words, as fei chengyu placed a hamster as small as your palm in your tiny, tiny hand, and talked to you about what life and death were really were. countless lessons as he placed a band of iron around your neck, punished your instincts of kindness with the tightening of a band that made you choke. countless lectures on how life and death were yours to control, how they didn't matter, how if people needed to die they just needed to die. how you were going to be his perfect heir, as he tucked your hair behind your ear and you trembled strapped into a chair. a monster well developed.
but the furniture in the basement of the home has been replaced. you still own the childhood house, passed on to you. it's exactly in the condition it was when the woman who lived here died, except for this room.
now that you own it, the basement has been remodeled. in the center of the room is a chair, surrounded by floor to ceiling LED screens. a small computer sits on a table by the chair, and a small refrigerator sits beside it. the room smells faintly, just barely, of blood.
you make your way down the stairs into the basement, and you shut the door behind you. you can still see the images in your head: huaixin, dying in front of you, how you felt for a moment this was just an animal, not a human being. the blood, blood from his stab wound, blood on his shirt, on the ground under his corpse, how sick and nauseous you felt seeing it - but how numb you felt, how you didn't know what the people around you were feeling, how you should feel, the way it felt like you were split in two parts, your father's voice -
"Every moment is death. The only thing that doesn't change is the sack of skin made of carbohydrates. If you feel an emotional connection to the sack of skin, isn't it like anthropomorphizing the pork on your plate? It's a sort of delusional disorder."
that numb emotional disconnect is still there, uncomfortable in your chest, almost too comfortable. you drop into the chair, calmly, and you reach for the leather belts, and tie them. around your arm. around your chest. around your waist. strapping yourself in. you take the electrodes and put them on your chest through your open shirt. you consider the emetics in the fridge, and then decide against it.
(Clinical research says there are several disadvantages to the use of drugs: the cerebral depressant effect may interfere with the patient's ability to form responses)
you reach over your head for the headphones on the edge of the chair, mechanically, and you put them over your head. take a deep breath in the disconnect and lack of emotion. feel the lack of care. feel it pushing at the edges of your definition of self. your hands are shaking again.
you type something one handed onto the little computer and hit a button. the sound of electricity buzzes through the chair around you, and you loll your head to look at the screen, eyes open. you hit play.
the video screens flare to life as the music plays over your headphones - a hysterical scream breaks through the cutting of the music, and the screens flash on in front of you. it's a direct broadcast of a murder, the victim screaming like a dying farm animal as the man killing them stabs into them with a knife - you raise me up so i can stand on mountains -
the minute it appears, you push a button - violently, electricity pulses through your body, sends you jolting and shuddering. again. again, as the video continues - people being beheaded, executed by firing squad - every time you see the image, you electrocute yourself - it hurts, it hurts it hurts - you hate pain and pain is watching other people suffer, pain is knowing that other people hurt, people's lives shouldn't be taken violently and cruelly you won't be a monster, you will do this over and over to yourself until you can't anymore, you will throw up the contents of your stomach at the sight of blood because you won't be what fei chengyu wanted you to be, you won't
( The use of the apparatus follows classical conditioning technique. The stimulus to which aversion is to be produced is presented, and then a shock is administrated. This procedure is repeated throughout the treatment session of 20 to 30 minutes, which can be held up to six times a day. The strength of the shock should be adjusted so that it is as painful as the patient can bear. )
Edited (MY BLOCKQUOTE) 2023-07-17 03:19 (UTC)
tags this now that we're not going insane over bites
buzen spent so long being the blade that did not feel emotion, but possessed an awareness. even if the details were foggy, he has memories of being in someone else's possession, in learning the different way that a hand gripped him could betray the turmoil that went on in the human heart. fear, anger, anxiety - nothing that he truly grasped until he was summoned into this form no sooner than three years ago and felt it all for himself.
it didn't occur to him that there may be ways in which the brain can learn to feel, whether by upbringing or by this apparent retraining. for so long, he knew the heart simply for what it was - in this natural, painful, untarnished shape.
he looks guilty after the memory plays - but he is not perturbed by the images of massacre itself, not when he was the tool used to orchestrate so many of these scenes before.]
well. thankfully, it's not the first time he's seen this one, but buzen may notice, almost immediately, subconsciously, that a single spark jitters over the top of fei du's knuckles. it's not the first time that's happened, and he's left staring into the space where it felt like the memory was playing for a long moment after, dissociated back into a familiar chair.
thankfully, this isn't an old memory, either. when buzen speaks, finally, he seems to come back for reality, and exhales, rolling his shoulders back and glancing over to look at him. ]
... It's not your fault - but thank you, anyway. [ quiet, and then, a little more ruefully: ] I'd hoped in death I'd never see one of these rotten things again.
[ he hates pigs actually they suck! but. honestly, he's not really ashamed of anything in the memory itself, so after a beat, fei du adds: ]
... If you have questions, you can ask. It's alright.
... I don't really like to ask people about painful things. Everyone has stuff they don't want to talk about.
[an old habit of his own, born out of difficulty and uncertainty. even if fei du seems alright, there is something inherently traumatic about this... even if it looks a little bit like instilling trauma in yourself. it's an odd thing for buzen to try to understand, but at the same time - ]
If it's something you choose for yourself... then I can only hope that it accomplishes what you need.
[ this kind of behavior is something fei du should probably not be proud of - and it's not that he's proud, necessarily, but he's not ashamed of it, either. frankly, most of the people here who have seen the same memory have told him something similar. that it must have been effective, that it must have been worth it, and that's exactly what he thinks, too. it's a much rarer occasion for someone to point out how badly he's harmed himself in the process.
it does accomplish what he needs. fei du, as far as he's concerned, has no trauma at all. because that's healthy person thinking.
he laughs a little. ] Though, admittedly, it's a bit inconvenient, here. [ there is so much blood all the time ] But, I'd rather be inconvenienced than the alternative.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
weekend zero saturday
and when he catches sight of fei du - ]
Fei-san! ... eh, Du-san...? Which is more polite.... Or is it Fei Du-san....
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by which i mean fei du is walking in the city with a little ikea soda in hand and a straw sticking out of it, which he is currently drinking out of, and saw this sight and is just. kind of watching it? as you do. ]
Fei-san, if you insist, but I’d prefer just Fei Du. [ he sounds amused, raising his eyebrows. ] Don’t stop on my account…Buzen, no?
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[but he's also not stopping! he's just very comfortable in this handstand, even shifting his weight to one hand to let the other rest over his heart in greeting!]
That's me! Buzen Gou, at your service. Nice to meet'cha.
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You too. Acrobatics practice? Strength training? You're very talented at it.
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but buzen will just hum thoughtfully at that, tilting his head]
Honestly - I was trying to see if I could get some memories to come back if I got a little more blood to my head. No luck, though...
[damn who would've thought,]
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week 0 saturday
after all of that, fei du can be found innnn the ikea. he's sitting in a chair tucked away a bit, a green jacket slung around his shoulders, and most importantly, there's very soft music playing from his phone that's sitting on his lap.
his eyes are closed, but, at least it doesn't look like he's asleep or anything! ]
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BUT . . . hmmm. buzen is walking, not running, so his approach is already softer. his voice drops to a whisper when he just goes - ]
Want something to eat, Fei Du? Or should I just leave you be?
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anyway. the rare not running buzen... when fei du hears footsteps, he does rouse a bit - rather, his eyes slowly open, and he looks at the person addressing him, coming back into focus. it looks like he may have been lost in thought - as the dulcet tones of josh groban continue, he presses pause in his music and then readjusts how he's sitting, giving buzen a gentle smile. ]
That's a sweet offer. You must be busy, running around and taking care of others, today...? I could use a snack, I think. [ considering he emptied his stomach like an hour ago. sometimes u disassociate. ] But, maybe you'd take a break and enjoy one with me?
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'Course. That's easy. What kind of snacks do you like? I'll go get something for us both to munch on.
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Anything sweet, if you insist. [ bring him ikea cookies ] Thank you.
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week 1 monday
and then instantly teleport over, as though he couldn't wait another second before he makes contact]
Kuwa— Kotegiri?!
[two swords sit in cases - one of them the same length as buzen's sword at his hip, the other a bit shorter. the longer is labeled as Kuwana Gou (Uchigatana) and the other is labeled Kotegiri Gou (Wakizashi)]
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when he sees him drift teleport that fast, though, curiousity takes over - he approaches, hands behind his back. obligatory fit check included. ]
Friends of yours, Buzen? [ sords... ]
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[so that's already something, considering how close buzen and matsui come off. but the longer that he lingers around here, the more confused he looks. he moves to hover his ear over the glass, as though trying to listen for something.]
... you don't hear anything - do you, Fei Du? Don't see anything besides the blades either, right...
[he does manage to sound -
well, disappointed]
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when he addresses him again, he shakes his head, expression a touch sympathetic. ]
No, I don't. [ but he'll come up a little closer to the glass. ] Considering the circumstances [ you're dead! ] is that better, or worse?
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They're whole. They're not broken. And maybe Matsu and I aren't broken in our current forms either but -
You don't put broken swords on display.
[ . . . ]
I guess I was a little hopeful.
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week 1, saturday
but, when he spots buzen, he makes his way over, and dips his head, in greeting. ]
Buzen. [ hey bud. ] Looking out for Matsui?
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[just a reminder, in case anyone else is feeling insane enough to accuse matsui to buzen's face]
How can I help you, Fei Du?
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[ he tilts his head back towards the cathedral, briefly, and then looks back at buzen. his expression's a little hard to read - brows knit together, though. worried. ]
... I don't need help, really - more so, I came to check on you - all of you.
[ he's quiet for a moment. ] Are you alright?
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No.
[he can admit that but also - ]
But I did know who killed Rin-san since yesterday, so I think it's important for everyone to know that before they try to give me sympathy.
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[ the noise is quiet, thoughtful. ]
...I thought as much. I don't hold it against you - I can't say I'm that surprised, really.
[ ... ]
Have you talked to Ylfa?
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I THOUGHT I TAGGED THIS BACK HEELLO SORRY SISI
week 4 sunday!
the piggy shows this fun little memory.]
tags this now that we're not going insane over bites
buzen spent so long being the blade that did not feel emotion, but possessed an awareness. even if the details were foggy, he has memories of being in someone else's possession, in learning the different way that a hand gripped him could betray the turmoil that went on in the human heart. fear, anger, anxiety - nothing that he truly grasped until he was summoned into this form no sooner than three years ago and felt it all for himself.
it didn't occur to him that there may be ways in which the brain can learn to feel, whether by upbringing or by this apparent retraining. for so long, he knew the heart simply for what it was - in this natural, painful, untarnished shape.
he looks guilty after the memory plays - but he is not perturbed by the images of massacre itself, not when he was the tool used to orchestrate so many of these scenes before.]
... that seemed pretty private, Fei Du. Sorry.
mood
well. thankfully, it's not the first time he's seen this one, but buzen may notice, almost immediately, subconsciously, that a single spark jitters over the top of fei du's knuckles. it's not the first time that's happened, and he's left staring into the space where it felt like the memory was playing for a long moment after, dissociated back into a familiar chair.
thankfully, this isn't an old memory, either. when buzen speaks, finally, he seems to come back for reality, and exhales, rolling his shoulders back and glancing over to look at him. ]
... It's not your fault - but thank you, anyway. [ quiet, and then, a little more ruefully: ] I'd hoped in death I'd never see one of these rotten things again.
[ he hates pigs actually they suck! but. honestly, he's not really ashamed of anything in the memory itself, so after a beat, fei du adds: ]
... If you have questions, you can ask. It's alright.
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[an old habit of his own, born out of difficulty and uncertainty. even if fei du seems alright, there is something inherently traumatic about this... even if it looks a little bit like instilling trauma in yourself. it's an odd thing for buzen to try to understand, but at the same time - ]
If it's something you choose for yourself... then I can only hope that it accomplishes what you need.
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[ this kind of behavior is something fei du should probably not be proud of - and it's not that he's proud, necessarily, but he's not ashamed of it, either. frankly, most of the people here who have seen the same memory have told him something similar. that it must have been effective, that it must have been worth it, and that's exactly what he thinks, too. it's a much rarer occasion for someone to point out how badly he's harmed himself in the process.
it does accomplish what he needs. fei du, as far as he's concerned, has no trauma at all. because that's healthy person thinking.
he laughs a little. ] Though, admittedly, it's a bit inconvenient, here. [ there is so much blood all the time ] But, I'd rather be inconvenienced than the alternative.
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