[me a few years ago: it'd be fun and hilarious to actually play a devout dnd cleric i think me now: holy shit i have to talk about god all the time?????]
...I know. I tried... but they erased Him from that history.
[He really doesn't move out of this hug even though he probably should.]
d wasn't there when buzen initially saw the kebishi - but the implication of its presence is automatic. the little look of hurt and betrayal that he can't help first, before his more empathetic tendencies brush over it. right.]
... it's a tough mission. It's one of the hardest things we've ever had to do. I... can't be surprised.
[that the urge to deviate from it would be so strong]
The Citadel? That's... I mean, I hope it was peaceful...
[but the rest sits oddly with him. it's hard. because when you are forged and connected to a weapon, that's true, that effectively makes them the same. but they also have all their human memories. they know how to be human (or in d and rang's case, their own specific type of immortal) before they know how to be swords.]
... but you can be given a mission, but still have trouble following it. I mean, Matsu is a unique case where his history made it even harder for him but...
I don't know. I'm sure this place made it even harder.
[THEY WOULD HAVE MUCH RATHER STAYED FOR THE HORSE ADVENTURES, BUT INSTEAD THEY HAD TO SUFFER BAD CHRISTIAN TIMELINES. It's fine. It isn't fine.
He frowns slightly.]
I wasn't the one it was hard for. [Well. It was a bit difficult when it got to the slaughter Leon and Chris Orcot part, but you know.] I don't know... what happened with Miss Shenhe and Rang.
Rin and I were with the Shogunate. Rin... couldn't do it. They were... people we knew.
[buzen has never failed a mission. he's gone out of his way to make sure that they don't. even when others hesitate to kill a human for the sake of history, buzen draws his sword in a flash. that's what paraiso taught him. you kill your heart, you kill innocents, but you save history.]
I know you tried your best. It's... unforgiving. Where we come from.
[NOT HIM AND BUZEN SEEING EYE TO EYE ON THIS!!!! Not them being the same person in murder.]
I saw... from Mr. Matsui. But... I already knew. [This time, the squeeze to Buzen's arms is more like a reassurance.] Mankind make so many of their own horrors.
I'm sorry they used you all more often as a tool for their conquests than anything else. The things you can feel... I was wrong. I'm sorry, Buzen.
[his brows furrow in his confusion, and he clearly seems to have lost the thread of this conversation at some point. not that he doesn't agree with everything that d is saying but...]
... you don't need to apologize to me, Dee-san. I don't think that you were wrong at any point.
No matter what we feel, what we do is the same. We're tools used to make mistakes. Even if there are people we want to save, a lot of the time we can't.
It's why I wish none of you had to feel like we do.
[why none of them had that choice taken from them]
It helped us better understand you. [So even though it's hell, and he's now been stamped with Christianity for a while, he wouldn't do it over.] You do deserve to hear I'm sorry. Like Rin did, too.
Because I disliked you on principle... since I believed you were a weapon men had made for violence. But that isn't your fault.
[he would never say that because right now this cyoa has turned everyone into matsui and buzen loves matsui,
but oh. he supposes that's fair - he's the one who suggested they were natural enemies so long ago, and he can't even blame d for thinking this. that's what they are. if you want to protect life, all life, then it only makes sense to despise weaponry.
they have no purpose outside of violence, after all.]
.... it'd be different, if people and spirits could choose who and what they were made for. Or what time they were born in, or the purpose they're meant to serve.
[buzen still couldn't say if he'd choose anything different. not when the gous are all blades, so he too must be a blade.]
But I forgive you. That's easy. [a beat] I have times I don't like me very much either, during those tough missions. So.... I can't blame you for it.
[As someone who, clearly, does not forgive at all, it's so baffling to him how... easily Buzen simply forgives him? Just like that. Within a moment's time. He has spent--how long?
A cycle of centuries, thousands of years clinging to a grudge bestowed on him by father, by grandfather. It's humbling.]
...I think God shines His light through you more than most... which is rather amusing considering you are a sword and your blade is sharp.
no idea what to do with that and it's clear. buzen never knows what to do when people say nice things about him like that, and the religious overtones do make it more complicated but...]
... thanks, I think. I'll keep doing what I can to try to deserve that.
[ . . . ]
I know what I am, and I know what my duty is. I think you probably feel the same way about yours, Dee-san. We don't always get to be kind or merciful...
But in the moments where I do have a choice... I try to reach for those softer things. I don't know if that's right or not, but it's what I do.
[Hehe. Bluescreening Buzen momentarily with compliments.]
You remind me of… Chris. [The topic sort of makes him brings his hands together to worry them gently. Like he is rejecting some obsession to pray.] Leon and he were part of the rebels, and Leon had been trying to protect him. But I had to take their lives.
[Why did he say that, it’s depressing. Anyway.]
He was an adorable and sweet boy. Too kind for humans. He didn’t like when anyone was sad or upset. You remind me a lot of him. I think he would like you. He liked all the animals in the shop.
It's something I've accepted. Even back home, one day he would die. It's the blessing and the curse of being human. Having one beginning and having one end.
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me now: holy shit i have to talk about god all the time?????]
...I know. I tried... but they erased Him from that history.
[He really doesn't move out of this hug even though he probably should.]
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but he doesn't let go of the hug until d tries to leave it]
... I'm sorry you had to try.
That never should've been your burden.
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And neither yours. Was it truly...? God showed me... with Mr. Matsui, but I didn't think... we would...
I thought you both were with us, that you had broken.
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... that's not how I remember the mission going.... It was just - Humans, wasn't it? It was tough and maybe Matsu had a moment but....
[ . . . ]
They shouldn't have been able to break us...
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Slowly, he leans back so he can look at Buzen's face, his hands on Buzen's arms.]
The Kebishi... we heard Mr. Matsui's wail... It came after we had strayed too far from history.
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d wasn't there when buzen initially saw the kebishi - but the implication of its presence is automatic. the little look of hurt and betrayal that he can't help first, before his more empathetic tendencies brush over it. right.]
... it's a tough mission. It's one of the hardest things we've ever had to do. I... can't be surprised.
[that the urge to deviate from it would be so strong]
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His fingers curl again gently.]
I knew it wouldn't... as soon as we arrived... I knew Rin couldn't--even though I warned him. Perhaps if I had prayed harder...
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well,]
No, it's not your fault. [immediately.] It can't be... It can't be any of your faults. You never should've been there.
This sort of thing... It never should've been asked of you. You're different from us. That's... That is a good thing.
[buzen would never ask for anyone to be a sword. it's kind of. bad.]
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We weren't... not at the time. We were like you... being forged, arriving, speaking to...
[He looks up.]
The place where you all stay. We saw it one last time. God gave us that gift.
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The Citadel? That's... I mean, I hope it was peaceful...
[but the rest sits oddly with him. it's hard. because when you are forged and connected to a weapon, that's true, that effectively makes them the same. but they also have all their human memories. they know how to be human (or in d and rang's case, their own specific type of immortal) before they know how to be swords.]
... but you can be given a mission, but still have trouble following it. I mean, Matsu is a unique case where his history made it even harder for him but...
I don't know. I'm sure this place made it even harder.
[considering how he knows matsu's cyoa went]
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[THEY WOULD HAVE MUCH RATHER STAYED FOR THE HORSE ADVENTURES, BUT INSTEAD THEY HAD TO SUFFER BAD CHRISTIAN TIMELINES. It's fine. It isn't fine.
He frowns slightly.]
I wasn't the one it was hard for. [Well. It was a bit difficult when it got to the slaughter Leon and Chris Orcot part, but you know.] I don't know... what happened with Miss Shenhe and Rang.
Rin and I were with the Shogunate. Rin... couldn't do it. They were... people we knew.
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but.... buzen winces at that]
... that can still be hard.
Was it... people from home?
[FOR D IT HAD TO BE SINCE OTHERWISE HE BROUGHT THE SWORDS IN so funny help me]
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[BUT HILARIOUSLY:]
And people we know here as well.
[YAYWON AND I DID THISSSSSS I THOUGHT THEY WOULD JUST BE NPCS AT THE CITADELLLL]
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[ . . . . ]
I know it doesn't take away from the emotional pain of everything... but at least... it's not an actual piece of history or a world lost.
[if that brings any type of comfort, since buzen thinks he would remember seeing someone from here at fucking paraiso]
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In that moment, it felt like… I’ll have to ask God for forgiveness. We failed. We killed so many innocent people only to fail.
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... I'm sorry.
[buzen has never failed a mission. he's gone out of his way to make sure that they don't. even when others hesitate to kill a human for the sake of history, buzen draws his sword in a flash. that's what paraiso taught him. you kill your heart, you kill innocents, but you save history.]
I know you tried your best. It's... unforgiving. Where we come from.
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I saw... from Mr. Matsui. But... I already knew. [This time, the squeeze to Buzen's arms is more like a reassurance.] Mankind make so many of their own horrors.
I'm sorry they used you all more often as a tool for their conquests than anything else. The things you can feel... I was wrong. I'm sorry, Buzen.
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... you don't need to apologize to me, Dee-san. I don't think that you were wrong at any point.
No matter what we feel, what we do is the same. We're tools used to make mistakes. Even if there are people we want to save, a lot of the time we can't.
It's why I wish none of you had to feel like we do.
[why none of them had that choice taken from them]
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It helped us better understand you. [So even though it's hell, and he's now been stamped with Christianity for a while, he wouldn't do it over.] You do deserve to hear I'm sorry. Like Rin did, too.
Because I disliked you on principle... since I believed you were a weapon men had made for violence. But that isn't your fault.
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but oh. he supposes that's fair - he's the one who suggested they were natural enemies so long ago, and he can't even blame d for thinking this. that's what they are. if you want to protect life, all life, then it only makes sense to despise weaponry.
they have no purpose outside of violence, after all.]
.... it'd be different, if people and spirits could choose who and what they were made for. Or what time they were born in, or the purpose they're meant to serve.
[buzen still couldn't say if he'd choose anything different. not when the gous are all blades, so he too must be a blade.]
But I forgive you. That's easy. [a beat] I have times I don't like me very much either, during those tough missions. So.... I can't blame you for it.
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A cycle of centuries, thousands of years clinging to a grudge bestowed on him by father, by grandfather. It's humbling.]
...I think God shines His light through you more than most... which is rather amusing considering you are a sword and your blade is sharp.
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no idea what to do with that and it's clear. buzen never knows what to do when people say nice things about him like that, and the religious overtones do make it more complicated but...]
... thanks, I think. I'll keep doing what I can to try to deserve that.
[ . . . ]
I know what I am, and I know what my duty is. I think you probably feel the same way about yours, Dee-san. We don't always get to be kind or merciful...
But in the moments where I do have a choice... I try to reach for those softer things. I don't know if that's right or not, but it's what I do.
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You remind me of… Chris. [The topic sort of makes him brings his hands together to worry them gently. Like he is rejecting some obsession to pray.] Leon and he were part of the rebels, and Leon had been trying to protect him. But I had to take their lives.
[Why did he say that, it’s depressing. Anyway.]
He was an adorable and sweet boy. Too kind for humans. He didn’t like when anyone was sad or upset. You remind me a lot of him. I think he would like you. He liked all the animals in the shop.
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buzen will just go to take d's hands in his own then, so that he can also help reject the obsessive need to pray,,]
... I'm sorry that this place made you hurt him. I'm sure it must've been painful.
[even if it was for the mission. even if d knew what had to be done,]
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It's something I've accepted. Even back home, one day he would die. It's the blessing and the curse of being human. Having one beginning and having one end.
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