I'll rest as much as I can until tomorrow's execution. [ There are no good feelings about that, too. ] It feels like we are being played with and that we must play along with what it puts before us.
[ Even if the answer isn't outside of her expectations, it did not make her less stressed. She coughs and immediately turns to hide her face in Buzen's shoulder with her hand over her mouth. It takes a moment before she speaks. ]
It's confirmation that last week was a prelude to today. We managed to find out one truth, but it's a truth that only shows us that if it happens again...
[ How much will bonds matter? If it starts with two friends like Ryunosuke and Kazuma? ]
there is a long moment where he wants to say something, and it's obvious. but really, that's not the type of person that buzen is. so he'll let out a slow breath and nod]
... okay. I'm worried - but I trust you.
[he'll believe in her desire to live, and win, and believe that she'll let him know if there's anything that might put that in jeopardy]
[ Her gratitude is sincere. She may be taking advantage of how agreeable he is and how he isn't pushy, but that doesn't mean she's not grateful for it. ]
[he'll reliably lean into the touch again, pressing his face into her palm almost to hide for a moment before he shifts so it rests only on his cheek]
... as long as you know it's because there's nothing you could show me that I wouldn't accept.
[as long as this hiding isn't about him, and what he can handle. he doesn't mind if it's about her privacy, and what she can stand to share at a time - but he just never wants it to be in question that he'd still be at her side, no matter what it is]
his expression immediately turns surprised - though it quickly shifts to something soft. fond. it's automatic how his hand shifts at her back to support her, making it easier for her to stay lifted, even as his head inclines slightly toward hers.]
... do you have a crush on me, Ro-san?
[sincerely - like he's trying to understand, more than anything else
also like. the audacity of this man. if roxana agrece gave me a little kissie i would simply pasta way]
[ That is too natural for someone who doesn't know what a crush is. His audacity surprises a laugh out of her. The only man outside of her family who's ever been this brave with her is her family's enemy.
Her eyelashes flutter, and she looks at him through half-lidded eyes. ]
You're too forward for something you sound like you don't understand.
unfortunately buzen isn't! he's not scared at all! instead he only looks curious, almost tempted to mirror her - but for now he remains still.]
... it sounds pretty complicated to me.
I don't mean to be too forward. I would just rather understand than not, if it's something about you.
Things like... romance - I'm doing my best to learn more, but I don't know if how humans feel it is the same way that I do. [people said something about 'butterflies' and having his heart beat faster - it's not quite that, for him.] I think I just know I like to be with you, as much as you allow.
[and he doesn't know if that's romance. he just knows it's true.]
... I think I wouldn't be against it - I'm curious about human feelings, but I think I've learned that romance in particular can hurt people. I don't want that.
[the slip-ups, the miscommunication. he feels like he'd be especially prone to it as someone who doesn't understand, and so he tries to be careful. but.]
And... I wonder if I should have said that differently. I want to be with you - knowing that you believe what I say to you.
[because even now, he can feel the barrier between them - and while he doesn't particularly mind, it is still something he'd like to be done with. but that is something he has to earn, isn't it?]
Love is a double-edged sword. It can be as wonderful as it is damaging.
[ She settles back into his arms. Can't get over how this is a conversation they're having while she's in his arms. ]
It's not always easy for people to be clear with each other because love is also an emotion that can make people afraid. People don't like to be hurt. People want their feelings returned, but it's not always so simple.
[ Her hand moves from his cheek to trace the line of his jaw. ]
I believe you, but I was raised to keep things close to my chest. It's not easy to unlearn that.
[this is a conversation that they're having while she's in his arms, because love is a totally average thing to discuss in this scenario]
Afraid, is it... [thoughtfully, even as he tilts his head over so slightly with the shift of her touch, like he wants to follow it] It's hard for me to understand. I don't know if I mind if my feelings would be returned or not... it's fine for me if they're just there.
[if he can even figure out what those feelings are...
that said - ]
... I don't mean to rush you or anything else either, Ro-san. I don't mind waiting until you can accept everything I say to you.
You keep telling me that I can be more than what I am... and I believe the same for you, too.
Will you say the same after you experience more emotions?
[ She wonders if this is because he's him or if it's because he's a sword, but ultimately, it doesn't change how different he is from her. ]
Perhaps I can be something else, but I have chosen to be what I am. I don't have all your years or have been witness to everything you have, but I've always had this body.
I don't know - that's a hard thing to predict. But... I also don't think anyone really owes me anything.
[so it won't matter if his feelings don't get returned... he'll just vibe comfortably with whatever his heart is doing. he's much less afraid of emotions than other swords, after all.]
... even if there's something you've chosen to be - if there are things you want to unlearn, I think you can do that too.
he'll shift, inclining his head just enough so that he can press the briefest kiss to the top of her head. she could stab him and he'd accept it - but also it feels a little like the right kind of exchange after she kissed his cheek]
Anytime, and anything. [for her.]
I don't think there needs to be a rush - or any need except your own will. [if she's happy being who she is, then he'll support it - if she's not, then he'll believe she has the power to change it] As long as you know whatever colors stain your life, I'd share them with you.
[ —Oh. That stuns her for a second. She isn't sure if she likes the feeling rising in her chest or not, but she closes her eyes and lets the warmth of his words wash over her.
It's a little unsettling even if she knows he says similar things to others. ]
You'd be fine if I stained you with the red of my eyes, you say. The path I walk goes to hell.
Yes. [his answer is quick, but it is not without weight. perhaps it's so easy for him to answer because - ] I have already seen hell.
[shimabara was a lot.
but buzen did not complain. it was his mission, and history. even if his heart ached, he didn't think too much about it because at his side there was someone who was suffering more. there was someone who needed him, so close to breaking in the darkness of their own thoughts.
he doesn't know if roxana is like that. she's powerful and sharp, sometimes so much like a blade that he gets whiplash, but she does not yet seem to be at her snapping point. he'd like it if she never was. still he knows that if there was ever a moment in which the pressure began to err on too much...]
I would want to be at your side, even if it means entering those flames again, because I don't want you to burn alone. I'd share the weight of your sins with you, even if you could hold them on your own.
[he just doesn't want her to.]
And I'd carry you - until we claw our way back out.
[ For someone who doesn't know what romance is, he says some very romantic things.
She won't write off the thirty-seven thousand he led to their deaths in the name of history. Those are numbers that not even she can match, but she still can't help but think of their differences. ]
... I don't mind if you're at my side. I won't mind if that's what you want, but you will have to wait - for anything more. [ To know or share the full weight of her sins, to keep her from fluttering away like a butterfly in the wind. ] I believe you want to be by anyone's side who wants or needs the help. I believe you don't want to leave anyone alone, but—
[ She's not just anyone. ]
You don't know in what way you mean it with me.
[ Since this started by the sheer audacity of asking if she had a crush on him after knowing him for two weeks. ]
It doesn't have to be any particular way, as long as I know what you mean.
[ She sinks into his arms a little more, almost in contrary to her words, almost as if this is as much as she'll allow for now. This is as much as he can carry her. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I'll rest as much as I can until tomorrow's execution. [ There are no good feelings about that, too. ] It feels like we are being played with and that we must play along with what it puts before us.
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... mm. It's frustrating. Most of today pissed me off - and even now, I can't say I'm content. I'm just less stressed.
[because one way or another, it's an answer. a terrible one that raises more questions but.
better than the alternative.]
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It's confirmation that last week was a prelude to today. We managed to find out one truth, but it's a truth that only shows us that if it happens again...
[ How much will bonds matter? If it starts with two friends like Ryunosuke and Kazuma? ]
no subject
the cough manages to get him to look to her, shifting with her motion to try to keep her comfortable but.]
... so we'll have to find the root of the truth and break it, right? Before it can break us.
[a beat]
Will you tell me if you feel ill enough that you want me to bring you to the medical bay?
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She keeps her face hidden against his shoulder, and she laughs softly. ]
I don't need to go to the medical bay, Buzen. We won't let it break us, now that we have some idea of what to expect.
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. . . . he'll just settle for rubbing at her back then, as though that will help keep the coughs at bay]
We won't. [a promise
but also roxana your coughs.]
... if you tell me what's wrong, can I do something to help it?
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Please leave it be. I will be fine. I'm only tired.
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there is a long moment where he wants to say something, and it's obvious. but really, that's not the type of person that buzen is. so he'll let out a slow breath and nod]
... okay. I'm worried - but I trust you.
[he'll believe in her desire to live, and win, and believe that she'll let him know if there's anything that might put that in jeopardy]
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Thank you, Buzen. Your trust means a lot.
[ Her gratitude is sincere. She may be taking advantage of how agreeable he is and how he isn't pushy, but that doesn't mean she's not grateful for it. ]
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... as long as you know it's because there's nothing you could show me that I wouldn't accept.
[as long as this hiding isn't about him, and what he can handle. he doesn't mind if it's about her privacy, and what she can stand to share at a time - but he just never wants it to be in question that he'd still be at her side, no matter what it is]
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Instead of giving a verbal response, she lifts herself to kiss his other cheek. ]
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his expression immediately turns surprised - though it quickly shifts to something soft. fond. it's automatic how his hand shifts at her back to support her, making it easier for her to stay lifted, even as his head inclines slightly toward hers.]
... do you have a crush on me, Ro-san?
[sincerely - like he's trying to understand, more than anything else
also like. the audacity of this man. if roxana agrece gave me a little kissie i would simply pasta way]
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Her eyelashes flutter, and she looks at him through half-lidded eyes. ]
You're too forward for something you sound like you don't understand.
[ She leans in closer. ]
You'll have to learn more.
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unfortunately buzen isn't! he's not scared at all! instead he only looks curious, almost tempted to mirror her - but for now he remains still.]
... it sounds pretty complicated to me.
I don't mean to be too forward. I would just rather understand than not, if it's something about you.
Things like... romance - I'm doing my best to learn more, but I don't know if how humans feel it is the same way that I do. [people said something about 'butterflies' and having his heart beat faster - it's not quite that, for him.] I think I just know I like to be with you, as much as you allow.
[and he doesn't know if that's romance. he just knows it's true.]
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She has to lean back to get a better look at him. Her hand stays cupping his cheek. ]
The heart is complicated. How it works for everyone is never the same. Is romance something you wish to learn about?
[ She doesn't think he shouldn't learn, but she already knows his personality is dangerous. ]
I don't mind if you want to be with me. Be with me as much as you like.
[ That's not the issue. That never is. ]
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... I think I wouldn't be against it - I'm curious about human feelings, but I think I've learned that romance in particular can hurt people. I don't want that.
[the slip-ups, the miscommunication. he feels like he'd be especially prone to it as someone who doesn't understand, and so he tries to be careful. but.]
And... I wonder if I should have said that differently. I want to be with you - knowing that you believe what I say to you.
[because even now, he can feel the barrier between them - and while he doesn't particularly mind, it is still something he'd like to be done with. but that is something he has to earn, isn't it?]
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[ She settles back into his arms. Can't get over how this is a conversation they're having while she's in his arms. ]
It's not always easy for people to be clear with each other because love is also an emotion that can make people afraid. People don't like to be hurt. People want their feelings returned, but it's not always so simple.
[ Her hand moves from his cheek to trace the line of his jaw. ]
I believe you, but I was raised to keep things close to my chest. It's not easy to unlearn that.
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Afraid, is it... [thoughtfully, even as he tilts his head over so slightly with the shift of her touch, like he wants to follow it] It's hard for me to understand. I don't know if I mind if my feelings would be returned or not... it's fine for me if they're just there.
[if he can even figure out what those feelings are...
that said - ]
... I don't mean to rush you or anything else either, Ro-san. I don't mind waiting until you can accept everything I say to you.
You keep telling me that I can be more than what I am... and I believe the same for you, too.
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[ She wonders if this is because he's him or if it's because he's a sword, but ultimately, it doesn't change how different he is from her. ]
Perhaps I can be something else, but I have chosen to be what I am. I don't have all your years or have been witness to everything you have, but I've always had this body.
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[so it won't matter if his feelings don't get returned... he'll just vibe comfortably with whatever his heart is doing. he's much less afraid of emotions than other swords, after all.]
... even if there's something you've chosen to be - if there are things you want to unlearn, I think you can do that too.
no subject
[ She shakes her head and thinks better of finishing that thought.
His last few words makes her smile in a wistful sort of way. ]
Maybe, someday, but it can't be anytime soon. [ ... ] Thank you.
[ For wanting to believe in her that much. ]
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he'll shift, inclining his head just enough so that he can press the briefest kiss to the top of her head. she could stab him and he'd accept it - but also it feels a little like the right kind of exchange after she kissed his cheek]
Anytime, and anything. [for her.]
I don't think there needs to be a rush - or any need except your own will. [if she's happy being who she is, then he'll support it - if she's not, then he'll believe she has the power to change it] As long as you know whatever colors stain your life, I'd share them with you.
no subject
It's a little unsettling even if she knows he says similar things to others. ]
You'd be fine if I stained you with the red of my eyes, you say. The path I walk goes to hell.
Would you still be fine with that?
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[shimabara was a lot.
but buzen did not complain. it was his mission, and history. even if his heart ached, he didn't think too much about it because at his side there was someone who was suffering more. there was someone who needed him, so close to breaking in the darkness of their own thoughts.
he doesn't know if roxana is like that. she's powerful and sharp, sometimes so much like a blade that he gets whiplash, but she does not yet seem to be at her snapping point. he'd like it if she never was. still he knows that if there was ever a moment in which the pressure began to err on too much...]
I would want to be at your side, even if it means entering those flames again, because I don't want you to burn alone. I'd share the weight of your sins with you, even if you could hold them on your own.
[he just doesn't want her to.]
And I'd carry you - until we claw our way back out.
no subject
She won't write off the thirty-seven thousand he led to their deaths in the name of history. Those are numbers that not even she can match, but she still can't help but think of their differences. ]
... I don't mind if you're at my side. I won't mind if that's what you want, but you will have to wait - for anything more. [ To know or share the full weight of her sins, to keep her from fluttering away like a butterfly in the wind. ] I believe you want to be by anyone's side who wants or needs the help. I believe you don't want to leave anyone alone, but—
[ She's not just anyone. ]
You don't know in what way you mean it with me.
[ Since this started by the sheer audacity of asking if she had a crush on him after knowing him for two weeks. ]
It doesn't have to be any particular way, as long as I know what you mean.
[ She sinks into his arms a little more, almost in contrary to her words, almost as if this is as much as she'll allow for now. This is as much as he can carry her. ]