roxana for endgame!!!! (aspirational)

[hasteful]

Comments

[hasteful]

Hm.... I'm just used to being what people need me to be, I guess.

[maybe it's in his nature as a gou.

but he smiles anyway, shaking his head.]

Thank you, for answering my question Ro-san. How are you feeling after today?

[disingenuous]

Only if that's who you want to be.

[ Because she'd rather Buzen be himself, however he wants, rather than what he thinks people want him to be.

That ties in with her feelings after trial, too. She looks off to side and takes a sip of her wine. ]

I told Clarte once, I've only ever wanted them to be them, as they are. [ But being refracted changes that a little, doesn't it? ] At least they will miss Garou a little less once they arrive.

[ If someone doesn't cuck Jan. ]

[hasteful]

[god i hope someone cucks jan.

but buzen is thoughtful about that, letting his chin rest in his hand as he tilts his head]

... mm. They'll be leaving a lot of people behind but... it is nice to have the chance to see people you miss, once you're over here.

[or at least buzen feels that way?]

You and Tay-san seem close.

[disingenuous]

[ oh i just realized half our gy letters went to itsuki and clarte respectively i'm shaking

anyway

Roxana merely smiles. ]

I'm not sure if that's true. I know they hold very little resentment towards anyone who tries to take their life, but I killed Garou. They weren't angry with me, but...

[ She doesn't shrug, but she holds up her wine. ]

I avoided answering many of their questions, too.

[hasteful]

[yeah! we're so fucked!

anyway:]

Do you think that being secretive means that you're less close to someone? I'm worried about what you think about our relationship then.

[he doesn't sound worried]

... well, maybe you can figure all that out once they're here.

[disingenuous]

[ Well, perhaps part of the reason she doesn't always believe Buzen when he says all of those sweeping things with her is because she knows she's disingenuous and if people like the person she presents, that's what she wants, but that's not exactly her.

He's not worried, but she has thoughts. ]

It's not the secretive part I'm that worried about, but you cheated a little. I'll talk with them.

[hasteful]

[ . . . . ? ]

That's good! But...

I cheated...?

[disingenuous]

I lied.

[hasteful]

[sure, he doesn't seem surprised by this]

... which time...?

[disingenuous]

[ help

she knocks back her wine like a shot. ]

Don't accept that so easily.

[hasteful]

[he laughs at that]

Why not? Everyone lies.

[disingenuous]

Everyone does, but that doesn't mean you should just say, okay, when?

[ Maybe it's a little of a good thing Itsuki is arriving tomorrow. ]

Every time.

[hasteful]

[buzen shakes his head at that]

I've seen lies that have pissed me off, and lies that I found frustrating but ultimately thought they were the best call that could've been made at the time. I've told lies I'm not proud of, but still wouldn't take back.

Anyone can lie to me - but depending on why, that'll decide whether or not I get mad.

So what do you mean, every time?

[disingenuous]

[ She looks at him for a long moment, as if deliberating on what exactly to say. ]

I already told you I'm dishonest.

[hasteful]

[nodding]

You are.

[ . . . he tilts his head]

Are you telling me that I don't actually know anything about you, Ro-san?

[disingenuous]

[ She shakes her head. ]

Not to that point. It gets tiring to lie so much.

[hasteful]

[he is really so confused by this conversation but he's trying his best]

... then what am I still missing?

And... how can I get you to trust me with it, so I can support you?

[disingenuous]

[ Yeah, she is confusing him on purpose. ]

It's all right, Buzen. You aren't missing anything. You don't need to do anything more. I promise.

[hasteful]

[ROXANA, he's so perplexed and tilting his head one side, then the other, before he just? tries to come to a conclusion?]

... you're still lying.

And I think it's starting to be a little irritating... Are you doing that on purpose? Are you trying to find my limit...?

[that's what itsuki was trying to do with him, apparently. is it like that????]

[disingenuous]

[ There's a little surprise, but she smiles. Irritation wasn't really her goal, but she doesn't mind. ]

It has nothing to do with your limits. I'm not trying to push you like that.

[ Not right now, anyway. ]

[hasteful]

[ . . . . he sighs and runs a hand through his hair]

... I don't really understand this conversation.... Maybe I really do need to try to think more...

[he shakes his head though - like that'll be enough to clear his head]

Ro-san, I have a question. Are you honest about what you need and want from me?

[disingenuous]

Of course. There's no reason for me to be dishonest about that when you try so hard to give others what they need and want.

[hasteful]

... then I'm going to trust that that's true.

[and that seems to settle him a bit. she's right that it's ingrained in buzen to try to meet other's needs before his own. roxana's especially, now.]

You're my master. I want to serve you, and protect you. It's easiest for me if I understand what you want from me.

[ . . . ]

If you lie to me, I'll be frustrated. If you hide something from me, I'll wish that you didn't. But I know you don't need me to accomplish your goals.

It doesn't change that I want to know everything about you, both fact and fiction. What's easy to accept, and what feels nearly impossible.

I told you that weeks ago... and I'm just as certain now.

[disingenuous]

[ .... ]

You do make me believe you.

[ Her voice is so soft. It makes her feel a little uncomfortable, to think that Buzen probably could accept her at her worst or at any other point. ]

And that's something that's a little hard to accept and a little impossible.

[hasteful]

[ah... he wonders if he feels a little closer to the truth now? but he'll just settle for letting his hand reach out for hers, palm up.]

I've chosen you, Ro-san - but I guess I never really explained why.

It's not just because you're smart or powerful, even though I think those are important parts to being you. But it's because you were the first to ask me what I want, and what I could wish for. You told me that wanting to exist is enough, and that I could be more than my history - or lack thereof. I think you are kind... or at the very least, affirming of people's right to be who they are.

... and it's because I know that you intend to walk straight into hell for the sake of your own survival. I'm not chasing after you dreaming of peace. I know that there will be blood. I don't just expect you to put me to use - I hope you will. Not because I want to hurt anyone, but because I'd like you to have someone to believe in outside of your own power.

So if you believe in me... that makes me happy. [he smiles a little] Even if it sets you a little at ease, or feels strange. I can't say sorry, though.

If I can be selfish about this - I want you to believe me even more.