[DONT MAKE ME THINK ABOUT THE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS
Buzen really just is out here doing too much for Matsui though honestly, he should have just let him continue to suffer in the cathedral in silence. NOW MATSUI IS HAPPY BUT AT WHAT COST.]
...Mm. I am. [The ills that plagued him just minutes ago really do feel like a thousand miles away, which is hilarious considering he'd been worked up enough to suplex Buzen and then literally flee. His nosebleed has stopped, so he'll let go of Buzen's stupid arm banner so he can brush his fingers through Buzen's hair. They're not bloody it's fine.]
[YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SAID THEY ALMOST BANGED IN THE CATHEDRAL I NEED TO KNOW HOW THAT COULD'VE HAPPENED
but um buzen doesn't think there's any cost in this? happy matsui is worth everything that comes with it. so instead he'll just keep him close and hum happily]
[JUST A THOUGHTFUL HUM. He isn't sure how to feel about Buzen learning a lot in this context. A lot about human things like kissing, he hopes, and not a lot about Matsui and his preferences.
He will simply cuddle into Buzen and not think about the matter.]
[this is so funny. buzen is just outright laughing at that and matsui's suspicious little hum!! he's snickering a little bit even as he just cuddles back, burying his face in matsui's hair to hide his grin for a second]
Anything else you want from me that you haven't bothered to ask for?
[matsui was! so happy! to kiss and bite and be close! and buzen is like we have had these bodies for three years and you never said anything!!!!]
[DON'T JUST LAUGH ABOUT IT. If he weren't so comfortable he'd maybe elbow Buzen a little but no, he'll play nice...]
Anything else? [HELLO!! He just shakes his head, which is really just shaking it into whatever part of Buzen he's currently leaning into.] This is more than enough.
[NOOOOOOO HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE SEEN LIKE THIS!! This is a downside actually damn, how is he supposed to proceed like things are fine when Buzen has figured out that he DOESN'T ASK FOR WHAT HE WANTS. NO!!!! HE'S MADE A FATAL FLAW IN CALCULATIONS (he didn't calculate anything that just happened) A FATAL FLAW--]
No... [He can only lie brazenly to Buzen's face under certain circumstances, though, so he just ducks his head a little after that and reaches up to tug on Buzen's hair.] I'm satisfied.
[the little denial pulls a laugh out of buzen then, and he'll let his arms loop around matsui a little tighter. he'll lean in to nuzzle against matsui's cheek.]
Maybe... but I want you to be more than satisfied, Matsu.
[THIS IS THE PROBLEMMMMMM BUZEN GIVES TOO MUCH AND MATSUI CAN'T SAY NO FOREVERRRRR he wants to not be Buzen greedy but Buzen makes this very difficult.
Case in point: all he does in this moment is settle into Buzen's sturdy hold, making absolutely no attempt at all to sacrifice the comfort of that. Damn, Daniel.]
Also truly the dangers of Matsui: he will go from depression to horny to happy and back to depression all in one thread. Now he's remembering his Catholic guilt... He lets Buzen catch his eyes for a moment, but his gaze drops away soon after.]
...I can try. [Try to let Buzen do a little more in the ways that matter. No saying whether or not trying will become a success, but.] Is that fine?
the way that buzen now has a new method in his arsenal because once matsui's gaze drops away, he's truly just going to lean in and absolutely just cover his cheek in a dozen quick little kisses mwah]
Buzen-- [A quick little exclamation before he's tucking his head to the side a little to RUN FROM THIS KISS ONSLAUGHT, breathing out a little huff of air which may be a laugh. He doesn't try that hard to escape... It does seem to cheer him up a little, this fucking idiot.]
[and he'll give matsui that little break when he runs, but he seems pleased with the way that it got him to lighten up a little. buzen gives him a little squeeze then, and then sways left and right a little with matsui still in his arms.]
... it's hard to let people in, right Matsu? No matter how much you care about them. Even if it's you and me.
[he really is trying to understand, and trying to embrace it with as much warmth as he can muster]
But you're still trying. And that's what makes me really warm...
[every time matsui tries, even a little bit, instead of just giving up before it even starts]
[He follows the motion Buzen sets, a gentle sway side to side, and tries not to immediately withdraw from how correct these words are. He isn't a deceptive sword by nature, but he has a lot to hide, even from Buzen. Especially from Buzen. Being seen clearly is always a scary thing.
But Buzen phrases it in such a nice way that it almost feels like something forgivable.]
...It isn't-- you. [Which he knows that Buzen knows (probably), but he still feels like he has to clarify. It isn't Buzen's fault that he can't open up and let others in, no matter how much he cares. Even if it's him and Buzen.]
I'll keep trying. Thank you...
[He's just sorry that that's all he can offer. But, y'know. Nothing new there.]
he'll just lean in closer so he can press his lips against matsui's temple.]
It's not you either, Matsu. Nothing's wrong with you.
[softly and reassuringly, but also so certain. like to buzen it's the simple truth - because it is. even though matsui struggles, it's not because there's something inherently wrong with him. anyone who went through what he did would be struggling just as much, if not more.]
[These are such comforting words and he sure wishes he believed they were true!!!!! But no he is very convinced that something is deeply wrong with him in many ways, but it's fine, because it's not like he can do anything about it.
It's nice to relish in the certainty that he himself doesn't have, though. Just for a moment.]
You always think the best of me.
[And he doesn't want to hear Buzen saying anything about how he just sees him for him or whatever else, so now it's his turn to cheat by shifting and placing his lips very delicately over Buzen's, almost more as a gentle and passing touch instead of a proper kiss.]
but buzen really is just about to say something in response to that - when he just gets a kissy instead. it silences him well enough, given that he's just going to kiss back automatically.
he's pretty sure he's not supposed to say anything...... but also he feels like he has to just say one thing and if he sees the best in matsui it's because - ]
You make it easy.
[and he'll give him another little kiss after. okay there he's done]
[HE IS TRULY JUST A WALL OF DEPRESSION OUT HERE. But getting a little kissy from Buzen makes him feel a little better........ He's a simple sword.
But also his depression is so strong. He just sighs in response, because he knows better (sometimes) than to argue (verbally) when Buzen insists about these kinds of things. Instead, he just settles into Buzen's arms again, resting his chin against his shoulder.]
...Will you stay with me? A little longer, here - just sit with me for a while.
Mm-hmm. I didn't have any other plans once I found you.
[that much is easy to agree to. in the end, buzen got what he wanted - which was matsui promising to try just a little bit. to try to put his feelings into words, and to try to let buzen take care of him. if this is just one more way that buzen can take care of him, then that's enough.
and maybe, slowly, they'll be able to bridge that gap between them a little more.
he'll keep things light - ]
And I can kiss you a little more if you want, too. Or bite?
[STOP GIVING HIM WHAT HE WANTS STOP GIVING HIM WHAT HE WANTS]
I wouldn't dissuade either. [FUCKING STOPPPPPPP.] But I don't mind sitting with you.
[Since Buzen's general presence is so soothing for his heart and he could use the peace right now after his no good very bad Monday and Tuesday. At least this moment is something he can hold onto when Buzen ABANDONS HIM FOR A MOTORCYLCE.]
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Buzen really just is out here doing too much for Matsui though honestly, he should have just let him continue to suffer in the cathedral in silence. NOW MATSUI IS HAPPY BUT AT WHAT COST.]
...Mm. I am. [The ills that plagued him just minutes ago really do feel like a thousand miles away, which is hilarious considering he'd been worked up enough to suplex Buzen and then literally flee. His nosebleed has stopped, so he'll let go of Buzen's stupid arm banner so he can brush his fingers through Buzen's hair. They're not bloody it's fine.]
Are you?
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but um buzen doesn't think there's any cost in this? happy matsui is worth everything that comes with it. so instead he'll just keep him close and hum happily]
I am.
[easily
also,]
Learned a lot.
[help]
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Hm...
[JUST A THOUGHTFUL HUM. He isn't sure how to feel about Buzen learning a lot in this context. A lot about human things like kissing, he hopes, and not a lot about Matsui and his preferences.
He will simply cuddle into Buzen and not think about the matter.]
I am glad that you're happy, then.
[In this house of god.]
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Anything else you want from me that you haven't bothered to ask for?
[matsui was! so happy! to kiss and bite and be close! and buzen is like we have had these bodies for three years and you never said anything!!!!]
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Anything else? [HELLO!! He just shakes his head, which is really just shaking it into whatever part of Buzen he's currently leaning into.] This is more than enough.
[He can't let himself get even greedier...]
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[teasing..... but he'll also just run his fingers through matsui's hair affectionately then.
the way buzen has learned that matsui just doesn't ask for what he wants!!]
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No... [He can only lie brazenly to Buzen's face under certain circumstances, though, so he just ducks his head a little after that and reaches up to tug on Buzen's hair.] I'm satisfied.
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Maybe... but I want you to be more than satisfied, Matsu.
I want to give you everything.
[whether he asks for it or not]
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Case in point: all he does in this moment is settle into Buzen's sturdy hold, making absolutely no attempt at all to sacrifice the comfort of that. Damn, Daniel.]
That's far too much...
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but he'll just try to see if he can meet matsui's eyes because it feels very important when he says:]
I think it's exactly enough. Let me take care of you more, okay Matsu?
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Also truly the dangers of Matsui: he will go from depression to horny to happy and back to depression all in one thread. Now he's remembering his Catholic guilt... He lets Buzen catch his eyes for a moment, but his gaze drops away soon after.]
...I can try. [Try to let Buzen do a little more in the ways that matter. No saying whether or not trying will become a success, but.] Is that fine?
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the way that buzen now has a new method in his arsenal because once matsui's gaze drops away, he's truly just going to lean in and absolutely just cover his cheek in a dozen quick little kisses mwah]
Yeah.
Thanks.
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Buzen-- [A quick little exclamation before he's tucking his head to the side a little to RUN FROM THIS KISS ONSLAUGHT, breathing out a little huff of air which may be a laugh. He doesn't try that hard to escape... It does seem to cheer him up a little, this fucking idiot.]
Don't thank me for a thing like this...
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[and he'll give matsui that little break when he runs, but he seems pleased with the way that it got him to lighten up a little. buzen gives him a little squeeze then, and then sways left and right a little with matsui still in his arms.]
... it's hard to let people in, right Matsu? No matter how much you care about them. Even if it's you and me.
[he really is trying to understand, and trying to embrace it with as much warmth as he can muster]
But you're still trying. And that's what makes me really warm...
[every time matsui tries, even a little bit, instead of just giving up before it even starts]
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But Buzen phrases it in such a nice way that it almost feels like something forgivable.]
...It isn't-- you. [Which he knows that Buzen knows (probably), but he still feels like he has to clarify. It isn't Buzen's fault that he can't open up and let others in, no matter how much he cares. Even if it's him and Buzen.]
I'll keep trying. Thank you...
[He's just sorry that that's all he can offer. But, y'know. Nothing new there.]
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he'll just lean in closer so he can press his lips against matsui's temple.]
It's not you either, Matsu. Nothing's wrong with you.
[softly and reassuringly, but also so certain. like to buzen it's the simple truth - because it is. even though matsui struggles, it's not because there's something inherently wrong with him. anyone who went through what he did would be struggling just as much, if not more.]
Promise.
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It's nice to relish in the certainty that he himself doesn't have, though. Just for a moment.]
You always think the best of me.
[And he doesn't want to hear Buzen saying anything about how he just sees him for him or whatever else, so now it's his turn to cheat by shifting and placing his lips very delicately over Buzen's, almost more as a gentle and passing touch instead of a proper kiss.]
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but buzen really is just about to say something in response to that - when he just gets a kissy instead. it silences him well enough, given that he's just going to kiss back automatically.
he's pretty sure he's not supposed to say anything...... but also he feels like he has to just say one thing and if he sees the best in matsui it's because - ]
You make it easy.
[and he'll give him another little kiss after. okay there he's done]
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But also his depression is so strong. He just sighs in response, because he knows better (sometimes) than to argue (verbally) when Buzen insists about these kinds of things. Instead, he just settles into Buzen's arms again, resting his chin against his shoulder.]
...Will you stay with me? A little longer, here - just sit with me for a while.
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[that much is easy to agree to. in the end, buzen got what he wanted - which was matsui promising to try just a little bit. to try to put his feelings into words, and to try to let buzen take care of him. if this is just one more way that buzen can take care of him, then that's enough.
and maybe, slowly, they'll be able to bridge that gap between them a little more.
he'll keep things light - ]
And I can kiss you a little more if you want, too. Or bite?
[stop]
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I wouldn't dissuade either. [FUCKING STOPPPPPPP.] But I don't mind sitting with you.
[Since Buzen's general presence is so soothing for his heart and he could use the peace right now after his no good very bad Monday and Tuesday. At least this moment is something he can hold onto when Buzen ABANDONS HIM FOR A MOTORCYLCE.]