[he's just going to keep holding onto matsui all the way through his screaming, taking them somewhere a little less public.
it's funny, how buzen doesn't know how to handle this situation and yet he feels like everyone else will still deal with it even worse than him. maybe.]
Yeah this is fine probably. Buzen doesn't know how to handle this situation but no one else knows how to either, and frankly, he would rather be with Buzen than anyone else even like this.
EXCEPT HE'S STILL SCREAMING FOR A WHILE and then when he's not screaming he's just crying and it's a sort of exhausted and deeply despaired crying that is short but very intense and leaves him breathless and even more spent of energy than before. He's also just sort of staring into the middle distance like he can't see anything at all, if Buzen's holding him in a way where he can see that.
Eventually, in a miserable little croak, the first and only thing he says is simply:]
[buzen hates the sound of matsui screaming, the same way that he hates the sound of matsui crying.
it's just -
it's far from the first time that he's really heard either. even though it still weighs on him, and he'll just go to find a place where no one else is. he doesn't know if being by the cathedral will help or not, so he settles for somewhere by the canal and the water and its spaces. he holds onto matsui through all the stages of his despair and waits until he can find his words.
and then he does, they're more or less what buzen expected. it doesn't make them hurt any less.]
I know.
WHAT THE FCK LET ME LIVE also slaps cw for suicidal discussion throughout this thread ,,
[His despair is EVERLASTING!! ALL STAGES END IN DESPAIR!!!!
His voice is thick with the crying and screaming he's done over the last few minutes, but beyond the exhaustion and the misery, there's something almost like anger. Mostly self-directed, maybe a little that isn't. It's mostly his own fault, after all, if he still hasn't managed to repent.]
Why-- won't you let me? Have I still not done enough...?
[Now that his shoulder is healed, he's trying to push himself away, but he is but a little heavily injured weenie who has lost so much blood today so he probably won't get very far. Oh yeah! Since Buzen is holding him, he'll be able to take better stock of some of his injuries; he appears to be cut all over, with his left arm and leg particularly mangled even without the shoulder wound that had been iced over, which was truly just a hole gored straight through it. Also, beneath some of the blood on his skin, Buzen might be able to see strange markings. Lightning scars! That's neat.
One of his hands also rises to cradle in front of his chest.]
...Whatever you are, don't-- [More quietly, more like a plea:] ...At the very least, don't... speak to me with that voice... Please.
Buzen really isn't smart enough for this - but he thinks he understands bits and pieces of it. Kaveh, asking for his mother. Setsu, feeling like they'd failed because there were people they couldn't save. And even if Buzen doesn't always comprehend just how much, just how deep the devotion goes, he does know that Matsui loves him.
So much so that it's not hard to imagine that that love could be used against him.]
... I know I'm a little more phantom-like than even the rest of the Gous, Matsu, but I promise it's me. You didn't leave me behind, and I'm whole. You can hold my blade, if you want.
[He'll lean down to gently press his face into Matsui's hair, voice quiet and uncertain.]
I'm sorry I scared you - but I'm right here. I've been looking for you for hours.
[WELL. It seems like he's nailed something with that, considering Matsui tenses immediately when Buzen says I'm whole. The hand that had been cradled in front of his chest clutches at it instead.]
...You-- No, that's a lie.
[Rather than sounding relieved or delighted, he just sounds afraid, like he's witnessing a cruel joke unfold and can do nothing to stop it. Is this part of his penance, too? He's really going to break at this rate, and when Buzen presses his face against him, it feels like he's being stabbed.]
Stop. If there is anything else that I have left to do, just-- tell me. I can't take any more of this...
[The funny thing is that Buzen thought about lying.
For two whole seconds, in honor of Tsurumaru Kuninaga, he thought about lying to see what else Matsui would be willing to say - but in the end, if he found out that Matsui could only give him his truth that way, wouldn't it only hurt more? He doesn't know what he'd do if Matsui decided that suddenly he couldn't trust him anymore—
But that still seems to be the problem now.
Gently, he'll go to take that hand that's at his chest and move to try to unfurl the fingers - rearranging them so that Matsui's palm can rest right over Buzen's heart, still beating.]
I'm not lying. My blood's all inside. [Is that a helpful thing to say? He's trying so hard.]
I'm right here... What will it take for you to believe me?
[TSURUMARU IS REALLY STILL OUT HERE THREATENING TO RUIN HIS LIFE EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE BOTH DEAD.
Anyway, he can move Matsui's hand! There's a lot of blood on it. Maybe that blood is coming from the hole in his chest over his heart, haha. It's not easily visible with the massive amounts of bleeding he's been doing, but since Buzen's hand is practically right by it, he can notice, as a treat. i aki will be nice and say that the shoulder healy reduced the severity of this injury so it's no longer fatal, but it's still there! For now. Maybe Buzen will catch sight of something glinting? Hm.
His hand is placed right over Buzen's chest, and his fingers twitch. He's getting so much blood on his sweet Buzen...
But even with the proof of Buzen being alive right under his palm, he shakes his head.]
The realization that Matsui has yet another fucked up injury that he was trying to hide away sure is an alarming thing - especially when even now his brain is trying to rapid fire understand. With me.
No.
He lets go of where he was holding onto Matsui's hand, and then shifts so he can unsheathe his own blade - whole, complete - and then puts the hilt of it right into Matsui's palm. Better hold on or Buzen Gou will get lost right in the fucking canal, huh.]
I'm right here, Matsu. That's not me.
[And because you've made this PC into a damn investigation thread, he's going to try to try to get a better look at whatever the hell is glinting in Matsui's chest hole.]
[thinking belatedly about how someone is going to have to grab his fuckin genshin sword because he got kidnapped by buzen first.
Anyway, Matsui holds the blade that's placed into his palm on reflex, and he looks... toward it. Blinking, but like he's not actually seeing what's there. After a second, he runs his fingers delicately along the flat back of the blade, fingertips resting against the groove in the metal.
Then he's just wholeass wrapping his entire hand around the blade part with enough force that it bites into his skin and draws blood so THAT'S HAPPENING. He also doesn't make investigating any easier, but he's not going to get in the way, so assuming Buzen tries to take a look before Matsui Matsuis, he'll be able to see what appears to be bits of glinting metal... They look embedded in there! Yeowch. Anyway since it's fucking Buzen he can have an identity crisis too, maybe he'll be able to tell they're Buzen bits specifically, but they're definitely sword bits in general.]
[NOT THE RETURN OF BUZEN BITS I AM FEELING THE IMPACT OF MY HUBRIS HITTING REALLY HARD RIGHT NOW.
Imagine if they were still connected to their swords and he had to feel himself cutting into Matsui, would that be fucked up or what. Instead, he's feeling a lot of fucked up emotions right now! Dang!
While he's not exactly mad that Matsui Matsuis, he's definitely startled enough that he'll move to take one hand and catch Matsui's putting his own thumb between his fingers and the metal. Buzen Gou is || this close to getting lost to the canals right now.]
Don't slice your fingers off.
[But he's not surprised at the rest... Help. When he catches sight of the fucking BUZEN BITS in Matsui's chest, he's just going to shut his eyes and breath in deeply once, then exhale.]
Matsu, we have to get this out of you. It's not me.
[me when buzen bits returned like I SEE.......... ALSO STOP THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO HORRIBLE FOR BUZEN AND HE DOESN'T DESERVE TO SUFFER even though he's suffering now.
He makes a little sound of frustration when Buzen wedges his thumb between his palm and the blade, because he's still unfortunately very much in the state of mind where he wants to empty his body of all its blood. He clutches the hilt of it more tightly. No Buzens going into the canals today.
The suggestion snatches his attention back, though. He looks at Buzen's face, but doesn't look him in the eye, his face pale and his expression horrified.]
No. [BITCH THAT'S HIS BUZEN.] No... No—! You can't take him!!
[Well okay now he's going to get in Buzen's way, hunching over like he's protecting something precious. WHICH HE BELIEVES HE IS. thinking about how this is the first cyoa and buzen is the first person he's talking to so he truly has no idea it's fuckin fake yet]
But - right. To a degree, Buzen expected that and he's just going to knock his head against Matsui's - and then stay there.]
It's not me, Matsu! [His voice comes out more frustrated now, because while he could handle the rest of it before this is now Matsui actively choosing something that at risk of killing him.] None of what happened in there is real! Why did I hurt you?! Why would I ever....?!
[And it's probably not fair for Matsui to be getting the brunt of Buzen's frustration - but some part of him wants to know so desperate, and some part of him wants to cut into whatever force used his image to hurt Matsui this badly.
When Buzen knows that he'd sooner break himself than hurt Matsui - and yet somehow both of them managed to come true here.]
That said, Buzen raising his voice is such a rareass occurrence that it may actually work in snapping Matsui out of it a little. He flinches, not wanting to let go of the blade in his hands, not wanting to let go of the blade in his chest. His words are quiet.]
...You wouldn't. You would never hurt me.
[And isn't that just the whole problem?
He pulls back the hand that is now BLEEDING AGAIN, resting it over his chest. The other still tightly clutches the hilt of Buzen's blade.]
I felt you die again. Because I-- [An abrupt cut-off of his words. Silence.] ...How could you still be here? How could that not be real...?
So that can't be me, Matsu! Whatever the hell hurt you - it's not Buzen Gou. I'd... I could never. And I can't be in two places at once.
[He also can't fucking be in one place sometimes, so what the hell is going on. There's still an intense, tight line of frustration that makes all of his words come out a little sharper - but maybe that's what it's taking to break through to Matsui at this point.]
I'm not dead. I'm not broken. You're holding me right now.
[A pause - and his voice gets a little softer, a little more fearful. He's listened to Matsui be in despair and talk about wanting to end things - even if he was never that clear about it. He's never been selfish enough to talk about how much it hurts.
But right now - if Matsui thinks Buzen is dead, and Matsui also wants to die—]
.... but if you die, I'm not going to be there. If you die, you'll leave me alone here. Let me get whatever the hell it is out of your heart. [With a note of almost pleading:] Please - I don't want to be the reason we're apart.
[Buzen's first words hit him like a blade, because Buzen Gou would never hurt him, and Buzen Gou has never hurt him, and he's wished more over the last few hours than ever before that Buzen Gou would hurt him. Confessions and hurt choke his throat up and he can't get any words out.
It's like he's buried, next. Buried underneath the heavy, heavy weight of the words that keep coming out of Buzens mouth instead of the dirt he would prefer. It's an albatross around his neck, cutting off his air, weighing him down, keeping him tied to Buzen and to this horrible un-life that he has to endure, even though he'd supposedly already died once. He wants to die again. He wants to die. He wants to die, and this time, he doesn't want to wake up. He wouldn't be able to handle it happening a third time.
...But he can't be selfish. He still isn't entirely convinced that this is the real Buzen he's talking to and not just some other manifestation of the endless, Sisyphean cycle of repenting and suffering that he seems to be stuck in, but... What is he supposed to say in the face of that? What can he do? His memory of Buzen breaking is still so clear and sharp in his mind, but the familiar weight of Buzen's blade is also in his hand, and he can feel the warmth and shape of his human form just as well.
He still doesn't want to lose what he's kept with him for so long... But if this is still penance, maybe it's all he can do to pay it.
He slumps, like the fight that he'd managed to summon has left him.]
...Do as you'd like.
[He loves Buzen so, so deeply and dearly, but he is so, so tired.]
The words had just left his mouth the other day and already Buzen feels like he's eating them. When Matsui slumps against him, when it feels like he's finally giving up... and resigning himself to whatever this is. Resigning himself to staying in this afterlife, instead of being Erased again.
Even though he wants to die.
Sometimes, Buzen thinks about letting him go. Sometimes, Buzen wonders if he'd be able to survive without Matsui. Sometimes, he tells himself that what he wants doesn't matter if it means that Matsui stops hurting.
Today, he's selfish. He takes this bloody, heartbroken win. He leans down to press his lips against Matsui's forehead.]
It's going to hurt. [Which Matsui will probably feel like he deserves, but - ] I'm sorry.
[—for not being able to let you go yet.
And so Buzen will do what only he can do, reaching with bloodied fingers to pull the broken pieces of himself out of Matsui's heart. The only thing he can offer is using what remains of his energy to summon just one more breeze, one more healing wind to keep him from bleeding out of this injury too with how it'll inevitably be reopened.]
[Because of course Buzen is right, and Matsui feels like he deserves this pain and so much worse, and he guesses that's what he's getting, so really, shouldn't he be grateful? He should be grateful. He can't bring himself to feel anything other than exhaustion, though.
So he just closes his eyes and leans against Buzen and allows this to happen, feeling each embedded piece as it leaves him empty and hurting, and wishing that Buzen would stop healing him even though he's resigned himself to the fact that Buzen won't.
The bits that Buzen removes are small, broken away like they were attached to an already fragile piece of blade before it even entered Matsui's body. They're also damaged from a strong level of electricity. Sometimes things just keep happening... There are scorch marks on the inside of his shirt, mirroring any place that the metal might have touched it.
Once the last piece is out and the wound is no longer bleeding, Matsui heaves a shaking breath, tucking his face against Buzen.]
[It's a little strange to be pulling out shards of yourself out of someone you care for so much? Buzen does it though, looking down at the pieces with morbid curiosity before setting them off to the side. He doesn't have the heart to discard them to the canal. He'll figure out what they're going to do with them later - but for now, he just wants to make sure that Matsui's heart is no longer in jeopardy.
As the healing concludes, he feels himself grow exhausted and when Matsui tucks his face against him, Buzen only sighs and can bury his face in Matsui's hair for a moment as he tries to catch his breath.]
... I can say other things that I feel because of you, if you want.
[With whatever levity he can muster, even as his arms go to circle around Matsui, heedless of the fact that they are a battered and bloody mess. For hours, he'd been looking for him - in a similar and yet different way that he'd been looking for Kaveh.
But while Buzen can say that he knows that whatever has him attached to Kaveh is artificial, no matter how much he likes him, this tie he has to Matsui is genuine. It leaves him wanting to be at his side, and terrified when he's gone. Maybe it's hypocritical when Buzen is always the first to dash off.]
I can say that I'm relieved you're still here, and that I can still hold you. Or that I'm grateful that you believe in me enough to let me take care of you, even though you're confused and hurt.
[Matsui doesn't cry very often, no matter how much weight his human heart holds. Only once since he was summoned has he cried before today. Twice, earlier.
Three times, now. They aren't the despairing sobs of someone who was so sure that they had lost everything and would still be forced forward anyway, this time. He lets his head rest against Buzen and the tears come silently, welling up and over the second that he hears I love you. He knows that Buzen does. He loves him just as strongly. But right now, beyond the warmth of that love, there's just heavy, cold, choking guilt. He wishes he could be something better. As things are, he's never felt less worthy of Buzen's love.
When he speaks, his words are muffled between being spoken directly into Buzen and Matsui mumbling to a degree.]
I know. [He knows. And even though it feels like a selfish, horrible thing for him to say:] I love you, Buzen. I'm sorry... I'm sorry. Please don't forgive me.
[His love is such a horrible, corrosive chain of a thing. Ugly. Destructive. It's never been more clear to him than today that it, like every other part of him, is deeply broken.
[He can't forgive what he doesn't understand. He's not sure what Matsui's done that requires apologizing and could require forgiveness, so in a way - Matsui is making sure that he'll never be forgiven. Buzen isn't sure if that's on purpose.
Even still, he can't say it's wrong - whatever it was, there's a good chance he'll forgive Matsui for it. Even if that's wrong, it's how Buzen shows his love too. Unconditional and all-encompassing.
When Matsui cries, Buzen holds him just a little closer - still careful not to reopen any injuries.]
.... I don't know what you're apologizing for, Matsu.
You can take your time. You don't have to say it, if it hurts.
[So it's okay, if he doesn't try - even though that's what Buzen had been asking for. Today, they can forego trying. Sometimes, being alive is the trying.]
I'll still be right here, and I'll still love you.
[He won't say it. He can't say it. He's a fool who doesn't know that memshare is coming for his ass if he and Buzen are alive to see it.
So he just shakes his head, because he doesn't want to talk about it and he never will. He doesn't want forgiveness. He wants to give as much blood as he's taken, and nothing more - but it seems that no matter how much blood he gives, he still remains here, stubborn, like a plague that refuses to be wiped out even if that is exactly what he would want for himself. How many others would still be alive if he had never been made? Hah. Well.
...Well.
Matsui doesn't say anything for a long while after that. He just stays in Buzen's poor exhausted double-tapped healing arms, wishing that he could at least pass out from blood loss but not even being granted that small mercy.
Eventually, though, he'll try to regain himself a little. The hand that had been holding onto Buzen's blade so tightly relaxes just a fraction. He has to be on his toes, after all; he'd heard so many voices earlier, but he hadn't been able to focus on anything after hearing Buzen.]
...Where are we?
[The way that this can sound like MEMLOSS ESPECIALLY AFTER THE OTHERS IN HIS FUCKING CYOA GROUP BUT NO IT'S JUST HIM LITERALLY NOT KNOWING WHERE THEY ARE BECAUSE HE CAN'T SEE.]
Buzen tilts his head at that, a little confused before he looks out toward the water - ]
By the canals. [ . . . . and then as it slowly clicks - ] Wait, did you only say voice because you can't see me...?
[He's too stupid for this! Someone please! Save us from Buzen Gou and him being a huge fucking dumbass!! But he'll finally go to reclaim his sword then, easing it out of Matsui's grasp and then sheathing it again.
Though he'll also take that same hand and bring it up to his own face, in case it might help for Matsui to trace the shape of it so that he can 'see' him. Really believe that it's him and not someone else borrowing his voice to haunt him.]
[The way Matsui immediately and reflexively tightens his grasp on the hilt as soon as Buzen attempts to take it away even though it's Buzen's own damn sword. NOT AGAIN, SATAN!!!!
But he'll be able to ease it away eventually, and Matsui seems to relax once he hears it being sheathed again. He can also take the hand without any trouble. Matsui closes his eyes when his fingers meet Buzen's cheek, and he'll trace out a little of it - going up the side of his face and across his forehead, down the bridge of his nose and over his lips to his chin.]
...It feels like you.
[Haha. Wow. Wouldn't that be terrible if he woke up now back in that chamber again, and Buzen was gone? The thought strikes him and it terrifies him to his core. Buzen might feel the slight tremor in his fingers, but it's partially the fear and partially the blood loss. He's doing great out here, lads.]
--The others... [If he's back, and they're by the canals...] Are they also...?
Buzen will just sigh a little bit then, and is patient even when Matsui doesn't want to let go for a second. He's similarly patient when his hand roams over Buzen's face, up until his hand gets close to his mouth and once he's done checking, he'll press his lips against Matsui's fingers in a brief touch.]
It feels like me because it is me. Safe and sound.
[He'll keep saying it... When Matsui's fingers have that tremor, Buzen will go to interlace their fingers together and squeeze gently. Back to cradling Matsui against his chest now.... He'll try to ease him so that Matsui can rest his head over Buzen's own heartbeat, in case he needs that reminder that he's alright.]
Um, it was... Setsu-san and Kaveh-san and... I think Nahi-chan? It was a little hard to tell - you all looked so young... Even you. [how the fuck does that work. this is so serious but i need to have buzen ask - ] Why were you a tantou?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
week 1 thursday i'll kill you
it's funny, how buzen doesn't know how to handle this situation and yet he feels like everyone else will still deal with it even worse than him. maybe.]
STOPPP IM LOSIN G IT
Yeah this is fine probably. Buzen doesn't know how to handle this situation but no one else knows how to either, and frankly, he would rather be with Buzen than anyone else even like this.
EXCEPT HE'S STILL SCREAMING FOR A WHILE and then when he's not screaming he's just crying and it's a sort of exhausted and deeply despaired crying that is short but very intense and leaves him breathless and even more spent of energy than before. He's also just sort of staring into the middle distance like he can't see anything at all, if Buzen's holding him in a way where he can see that.
Eventually, in a miserable little croak, the first and only thing he says is simply:]
I want to die.
I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS SO BADDDDD
it's just -
it's far from the first time that he's really heard either. even though it still weighs on him, and he'll just go to find a place where no one else is. he doesn't know if being by the cathedral will help or not, so he settles for somewhere by the canal and the water and its spaces. he holds onto matsui through all the stages of his despair and waits until he can find his words.
and then he does, they're more or less what buzen expected. it doesn't make them hurt any less.]
I know.
WHAT THE FCK LET ME LIVE also slaps cw for suicidal discussion throughout this thread ,,
His voice is thick with the crying and screaming he's done over the last few minutes, but beyond the exhaustion and the misery, there's something almost like anger. Mostly self-directed, maybe a little that isn't. It's mostly his own fault, after all, if he still hasn't managed to repent.]
Why-- won't you let me? Have I still not done enough...?
[Now that his shoulder is healed, he's trying to push himself away, but he is but a little heavily injured weenie who has lost so much blood today so he probably won't get very far. Oh yeah! Since Buzen is holding him, he'll be able to take better stock of some of his injuries; he appears to be cut all over, with his left arm and leg particularly mangled even without the shoulder wound that had been iced over, which was truly just a hole gored straight through it. Also, beneath some of the blood on his skin, Buzen might be able to see strange markings. Lightning scars! That's neat.
One of his hands also rises to cradle in front of his chest.]
...Whatever you are, don't-- [More quietly, more like a plea:] ...At the very least, don't... speak to me with that voice... Please.
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Buzen really isn't smart enough for this - but he thinks he understands bits and pieces of it. Kaveh, asking for his mother. Setsu, feeling like they'd failed because there were people they couldn't save. And even if Buzen doesn't always comprehend just how much, just how deep the devotion goes, he does know that Matsui loves him.
So much so that it's not hard to imagine that that love could be used against him.]
... I know I'm a little more phantom-like than even the rest of the Gous, Matsu, but I promise it's me. You didn't leave me behind, and I'm whole. You can hold my blade, if you want.
[He'll lean down to gently press his face into Matsui's hair, voice quiet and uncertain.]
I'm sorry I scared you - but I'm right here. I've been looking for you for hours.
no subject
...You-- No, that's a lie.
[Rather than sounding relieved or delighted, he just sounds afraid, like he's witnessing a cruel joke unfold and can do nothing to stop it. Is this part of his penance, too? He's really going to break at this rate, and when Buzen presses his face against him, it feels like he's being stabbed.]
Stop. If there is anything else that I have left to do, just-- tell me. I can't take any more of this...
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For two whole seconds, in honor of Tsurumaru Kuninaga, he thought about lying to see what else Matsui would be willing to say - but in the end, if he found out that Matsui could only give him his truth that way, wouldn't it only hurt more? He doesn't know what he'd do if Matsui decided that suddenly he couldn't trust him anymore—
But that still seems to be the problem now.
Gently, he'll go to take that hand that's at his chest and move to try to unfurl the fingers - rearranging them so that Matsui's palm can rest right over Buzen's heart, still beating.]
I'm not lying. My blood's all inside. [Is that a helpful thing to say? He's trying so hard.]
I'm right here... What will it take for you to believe me?
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Anyway, he can move Matsui's hand! There's a lot of blood on it. Maybe that blood is coming from the hole in his chest over his heart, haha. It's not easily visible with the massive amounts of bleeding he's been doing, but since Buzen's hand is practically right by it, he can notice, as a treat. i aki will be nice and say that the shoulder healy reduced the severity of this injury so it's no longer fatal, but it's still there! For now. Maybe Buzen will catch sight of something glinting? Hm.
His hand is placed right over Buzen's chest, and his fingers twitch. He's getting so much blood on his sweet Buzen...
But even with the proof of Buzen being alive right under his palm, he shakes his head.]
You are. You're lying. Buzen is with me.
no subject
The realization that Matsui has yet another fucked up injury that he was trying to hide away sure is an alarming thing - especially when even now his brain is trying to rapid fire understand. With me.
No.
He lets go of where he was holding onto Matsui's hand, and then shifts so he can unsheathe his own blade - whole, complete - and then puts the hilt of it right into Matsui's palm. Better hold on or Buzen Gou will get lost right in the fucking canal, huh.]
I'm right here, Matsu. That's not me.
[And because you've made this PC into a damn investigation thread, he's going to try to try to get a better look at whatever the hell is glinting in Matsui's chest hole.]
What hurt you? Show me.
also slaps a cw for self harm MATSUIIIIII
Anyway, Matsui holds the blade that's placed into his palm on reflex, and he looks... toward it. Blinking, but like he's not actually seeing what's there. After a second, he runs his fingers delicately along the flat back of the blade, fingertips resting against the groove in the metal.
Then he's just wholeass wrapping his entire hand around the blade part with enough force that it bites into his skin and draws blood so THAT'S HAPPENING. He also doesn't make investigating any easier, but he's not going to get in the way, so assuming Buzen tries to take a look before Matsui Matsuis, he'll be able to see what appears to be bits of glinting metal... They look embedded in there! Yeowch. Anyway since it's fucking Buzen he can have an identity crisis too, maybe he'll be able to tell they're Buzen bits specifically, but they're definitely sword bits in general.]
FUCKING HELP ME MATSUIIIII
Imagine if they were still connected to their swords and he had to feel himself cutting into Matsui, would that be fucked up or what. Instead, he's feeling a lot of fucked up emotions right now! Dang!
While he's not exactly mad that Matsui Matsuis, he's definitely startled enough that he'll move to take one hand and catch Matsui's putting his own thumb between his fingers and the metal. Buzen Gou is || this close to getting lost to the canals right now.]
Don't slice your fingers off.
[But he's not surprised at the rest... Help. When he catches sight of the fucking BUZEN BITS in Matsui's chest, he's just going to shut his eyes and breath in deeply once, then exhale.]
Matsu, we have to get this out of you. It's not me.
[it is but it isn't but listen,]
AAAAAAAAAAA
He makes a little sound of frustration when Buzen wedges his thumb between his palm and the blade, because he's still unfortunately very much in the state of mind where he wants to empty his body of all its blood. He clutches the hilt of it more tightly. No Buzens going into the canals today.
The suggestion snatches his attention back, though. He looks at Buzen's face, but doesn't look him in the eye, his face pale and his expression horrified.]
No. [BITCH THAT'S HIS BUZEN.] No... No—! You can't take him!!
[Well okay now he's going to get in Buzen's way, hunching over like he's protecting something precious. WHICH HE BELIEVES HE IS. thinking about how this is the first cyoa and buzen is the first person he's talking to so he truly has no idea it's fuckin fake yet]
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But - right. To a degree, Buzen expected that and he's just going to knock his head against Matsui's - and then stay there.]
It's not me, Matsu! [His voice comes out more frustrated now, because while he could handle the rest of it before this is now Matsui actively choosing something that at risk of killing him.] None of what happened in there is real! Why did I hurt you?! Why would I ever....?!
[And it's probably not fair for Matsui to be getting the brunt of Buzen's frustration - but some part of him wants to know so desperate, and some part of him wants to cut into whatever force used his image to hurt Matsui this badly.
When Buzen knows that he'd sooner break himself than hurt Matsui - and yet somehow both of them managed to come true here.]
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That said, Buzen raising his voice is such a rareass occurrence that it may actually work in snapping Matsui out of it a little. He flinches, not wanting to let go of the blade in his hands, not wanting to let go of the blade in his chest. His words are quiet.]
...You wouldn't. You would never hurt me.
[And isn't that just the whole problem?
He pulls back the hand that is now BLEEDING AGAIN, resting it over his chest. The other still tightly clutches the hilt of Buzen's blade.]
I felt you die again. Because I-- [An abrupt cut-off of his words. Silence.] ...How could you still be here? How could that not be real...?
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[He also can't fucking be in one place sometimes, so what the hell is going on. There's still an intense, tight line of frustration that makes all of his words come out a little sharper - but maybe that's what it's taking to break through to Matsui at this point.]
I'm not dead. I'm not broken. You're holding me right now.
[A pause - and his voice gets a little softer, a little more fearful. He's listened to Matsui be in despair and talk about wanting to end things - even if he was never that clear about it. He's never been selfish enough to talk about how much it hurts.
But right now - if Matsui thinks Buzen is dead, and Matsui also wants to die—]
.... but if you die, I'm not going to be there. If you die, you'll leave me alone here. Let me get whatever the hell it is out of your heart. [With a note of almost pleading:] Please - I don't want to be the reason we're apart.
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It's like he's buried, next. Buried underneath the heavy, heavy weight of the words that keep coming out of Buzens mouth instead of the dirt he would prefer. It's an albatross around his neck, cutting off his air, weighing him down, keeping him tied to Buzen and to this horrible un-life that he has to endure, even though he'd supposedly already died once. He wants to die again. He wants to die. He wants to die, and this time, he doesn't want to wake up. He wouldn't be able to handle it happening a third time.
...But he can't be selfish. He still isn't entirely convinced that this is the real Buzen he's talking to and not just some other manifestation of the endless, Sisyphean cycle of repenting and suffering that he seems to be stuck in, but... What is he supposed to say in the face of that? What can he do? His memory of Buzen breaking is still so clear and sharp in his mind, but the familiar weight of Buzen's blade is also in his hand, and he can feel the warmth and shape of his human form just as well.
He still doesn't want to lose what he's kept with him for so long... But if this is still penance, maybe it's all he can do to pay it.
He slumps, like the fight that he'd managed to summon has left him.]
...Do as you'd like.
[He loves Buzen so, so deeply and dearly, but he is so, so tired.]
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The words had just left his mouth the other day and already Buzen feels like he's eating them. When Matsui slumps against him, when it feels like he's finally giving up... and resigning himself to whatever this is. Resigning himself to staying in this afterlife, instead of being Erased again.
Even though he wants to die.
Sometimes, Buzen thinks about letting him go. Sometimes, Buzen wonders if he'd be able to survive without Matsui. Sometimes, he tells himself that what he wants doesn't matter if it means that Matsui stops hurting.
Today, he's selfish. He takes this bloody, heartbroken win. He leans down to press his lips against Matsui's forehead.]
It's going to hurt. [Which Matsui will probably feel like he deserves, but - ] I'm sorry.
[—for not being able to let you go yet.
And so Buzen will do what only he can do, reaching with bloodied fingers to pull the broken pieces of himself out of Matsui's heart. The only thing he can offer is using what remains of his energy to summon just one more breeze, one more healing wind to keep him from bleeding out of this injury too with how it'll inevitably be reopened.]
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[Because of course Buzen is right, and Matsui feels like he deserves this pain and so much worse, and he guesses that's what he's getting, so really, shouldn't he be grateful? He should be grateful. He can't bring himself to feel anything other than exhaustion, though.
So he just closes his eyes and leans against Buzen and allows this to happen, feeling each embedded piece as it leaves him empty and hurting, and wishing that Buzen would stop healing him even though he's resigned himself to the fact that Buzen won't.
The bits that Buzen removes are small, broken away like they were attached to an already fragile piece of blade before it even entered Matsui's body. They're also damaged from a strong level of electricity. Sometimes things just keep happening... There are scorch marks on the inside of his shirt, mirroring any place that the metal might have touched it.
Once the last piece is out and the wound is no longer bleeding, Matsui heaves a shaking breath, tucking his face against Buzen.]
...I don't mean to keep making you apologize.
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As the healing concludes, he feels himself grow exhausted and when Matsui tucks his face against him, Buzen only sighs and can bury his face in Matsui's hair for a moment as he tries to catch his breath.]
... I can say other things that I feel because of you, if you want.
[With whatever levity he can muster, even as his arms go to circle around Matsui, heedless of the fact that they are a battered and bloody mess. For hours, he'd been looking for him - in a similar and yet different way that he'd been looking for Kaveh.
But while Buzen can say that he knows that whatever has him attached to Kaveh is artificial, no matter how much he likes him, this tie he has to Matsui is genuine. It leaves him wanting to be at his side, and terrified when he's gone. Maybe it's hypocritical when Buzen is always the first to dash off.]
I can say that I'm relieved you're still here, and that I can still hold you. Or that I'm grateful that you believe in me enough to let me take care of you, even though you're confused and hurt.
I can say that I love you, Matsu.
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Three times, now. They aren't the despairing sobs of someone who was so sure that they had lost everything and would still be forced forward anyway, this time. He lets his head rest against Buzen and the tears come silently, welling up and over the second that he hears I love you. He knows that Buzen does. He loves him just as strongly. But right now, beyond the warmth of that love, there's just heavy, cold, choking guilt. He wishes he could be something better. As things are, he's never felt less worthy of Buzen's love.
When he speaks, his words are muffled between being spoken directly into Buzen and Matsui mumbling to a degree.]
I know. [He knows. And even though it feels like a selfish, horrible thing for him to say:] I love you, Buzen. I'm sorry... I'm sorry. Please don't forgive me.
[His love is such a horrible, corrosive chain of a thing. Ugly. Destructive. It's never been more clear to him than today that it, like every other part of him, is deeply broken.
Even knowing that, he can't stop loving Buzen.]
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Even still, he can't say it's wrong - whatever it was, there's a good chance he'll forgive Matsui for it. Even if that's wrong, it's how Buzen shows his love too. Unconditional and all-encompassing.
When Matsui cries, Buzen holds him just a little closer - still careful not to reopen any injuries.]
.... I don't know what you're apologizing for, Matsu.
You can take your time. You don't have to say it, if it hurts.
[So it's okay, if he doesn't try - even though that's what Buzen had been asking for. Today, they can forego trying. Sometimes, being alive is the trying.]
I'll still be right here, and I'll still love you.
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So he just shakes his head, because he doesn't want to talk about it and he never will. He doesn't want forgiveness. He wants to give as much blood as he's taken, and nothing more - but it seems that no matter how much blood he gives, he still remains here, stubborn, like a plague that refuses to be wiped out even if that is exactly what he would want for himself. How many others would still be alive if he had never been made? Hah. Well.
...Well.
Matsui doesn't say anything for a long while after that. He just stays in Buzen's poor exhausted double-tapped healing arms, wishing that he could at least pass out from blood loss but not even being granted that small mercy.
Eventually, though, he'll try to regain himself a little. The hand that had been holding onto Buzen's blade so tightly relaxes just a fraction. He has to be on his toes, after all; he'd heard so many voices earlier, but he hadn't been able to focus on anything after hearing Buzen.]
...Where are we?
[The way that this can sound like MEMLOSS ESPECIALLY AFTER THE OTHERS IN HIS FUCKING CYOA GROUP BUT NO IT'S JUST HIM LITERALLY NOT KNOWING WHERE THEY ARE BECAUSE HE CAN'T SEE.]
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Buzen tilts his head at that, a little confused before he looks out toward the water - ]
By the canals. [ . . . . and then as it slowly clicks - ] Wait, did you only say voice because you can't see me...?
[He's too stupid for this! Someone please! Save us from Buzen Gou and him being a huge fucking dumbass!! But he'll finally go to reclaim his sword then, easing it out of Matsui's grasp and then sheathing it again.
Though he'll also take that same hand and bring it up to his own face, in case it might help for Matsui to trace the shape of it so that he can 'see' him. Really believe that it's him and not someone else borrowing his voice to haunt him.]
Here...
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But he'll be able to ease it away eventually, and Matsui seems to relax once he hears it being sheathed again. He can also take the hand without any trouble. Matsui closes his eyes when his fingers meet Buzen's cheek, and he'll trace out a little of it - going up the side of his face and across his forehead, down the bridge of his nose and over his lips to his chin.]
...It feels like you.
[Haha. Wow. Wouldn't that be terrible if he woke up now back in that chamber again, and Buzen was gone? The thought strikes him and it terrifies him to his core. Buzen might feel the slight tremor in his fingers, but it's partially the fear and partially the blood loss. He's doing great out here, lads.]
--The others... [If he's back, and they're by the canals...] Are they also...?
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Buzen will just sigh a little bit then, and is patient even when Matsui doesn't want to let go for a second. He's similarly patient when his hand roams over Buzen's face, up until his hand gets close to his mouth and once he's done checking, he'll press his lips against Matsui's fingers in a brief touch.]
It feels like me because it is me. Safe and sound.
[He'll keep saying it... When Matsui's fingers have that tremor, Buzen will go to interlace their fingers together and squeeze gently. Back to cradling Matsui against his chest now.... He'll try to ease him so that Matsui can rest his head over Buzen's own heartbeat, in case he needs that reminder that he's alright.]
Um, it was... Setsu-san and Kaveh-san and... I think Nahi-chan? It was a little hard to tell - you all looked so young... Even you. [how the fuck does that work. this is so serious but i need to have buzen ask - ] Why were you a tantou?
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