[buzen was truly so pissed, and is still so angry, but ends up being distracted when there's someone more in need in front of him. he'll wait for matsui to calm enough and regain a pace in his breathing, but then he'll gently pull him into his arms just to hold
sometimes you are way too Sword for a fuckin murder game]
[Matsui really does just help everyone re: distractions by being the most upset person in the room at any given time jesus christ.
WELL.
This is fine. He will calm down more over the next few minutes until he's able to talk without spitting blood. His grip probably doesn't ease by much if at all, though.]
[ . . . . buzen closes his eyes and presses his face into matsui's hair.]
... He said it'd be obvious. We'll see if that's the case. If it's not, I can be louder - about what I'm seeing. What we're all seeing.
If it's something that binds all of us - we're the easy option to vote for, no matter what.
[and that's fine. D seems ready to go, and buzen won't stop him. there's no way that buzen was ever going to cover for a murderer. that must've been known ever since they teamed up with rang.]
If he lives, Froggystyle gets to kill him next week. We'll make sure they do. [to even out the points.]
... Nothing will bring Rin-san back, but we can't endanger everyone else too, if we deliver the answer too early.
[Swords are really out here going YOU CAN'T MURDER A DEFENSELESS KID but we can make sure that kids murder our D (: THEY'RE JUST OUT HERE...
But this sounds-- fine. He'd forgotten entirely about the rules in his SHEER FURY AND PANIC, but he hadn't been thinking about giving D away, anyway, because his mind hadn't gotten that far ahead. He's still stuck processing the fact that Rin had been killed by him for a reason as petty as annoyance. That he had prayed not to die. That he'd died anyway, crying and attempting to flee. YEAH THAT MENTAL IMAGE IN PARTICULAR ISN'T GOING TO HAUNT HIM.]
...Mm. If that's what you think...
[Then he'll abide by it. He can't think straight right now, anyway, so frankly any ideas would be better than whatever the hell he could think up right now.]
[um if a Free can die, then a Free can murder. just kidding, Buzen would help to make sure that it's easy and maybe Gerard could do it. Gerard isn't 5! probably.
but Buzen will just frown even as he presses his face into Matsui's hair. it is what he thinks. it's the only thing in his head that sounds like it could even be halfway fair, to even get close to making up for what happened. but it also bothers him, because he knows that D told them - and D is ready to die, even though he did this much to live. it's complicated. it's annoying. it eats at his insides.
even now he wants to understand, and he can't. but he also knows that D isn't the only person who he can be mad at. the person who made the call to him is who Buzen wants to cut into more.
Matsui will probably calm down later and be able to talk to D more rationally, but for now, he just takes solace in the fact that Buzen is still here with him. If Buzen is here, then he can push through the trial. He can deal with the aftermath. He can work to make sure that things are as even as possible, even if there's never any way of truly evening out the score after taking a life, and doesn't he know it?]
...I believe you.
[That's all he says, anyway, because he's kind of got to believe Buzen or he'll lose his fuckin mind. Later, when the shock of the situation passes, he'll also think more about the person who made the call. There will be difficult conversations ahead for them, but when is that not the case?
For now, he's quiet for a few moments. Then:]
We talked, once... about the strength that he found from his father's death, and how suffocating it was. But I believe that he was upset that he wasn't even stronger. He was... very out of place, here.
[A kind person from a peaceful era, with no need to become as strong as some of the rest of them.]
[buzen is quiet as he listens, and when he inclines his head toward matsui's ear he just explains briefly - ] I'm going to pick you up, Matsu.
[before going to lift matsui into his arms, just so that they're a little further away from the warehouse. he rested overnight, he's fine. off they go to head toward the cathedral probably.]
... even if he's out of place, you want to root for him anyway, right? To hope that somehow, he'll make it out okay, even though everything here is foreign.
[that's how buzen still feels about haru, about kazuki, about all those kids here who don't seem to know how to keep afloat but are stuck here anyway]
[UP THEY GO HE GUESSES. The cathedral is where he would prefer being right now so he can throw himself back into prayer, but he'll just trust wherever Buzen is walking, not bothering to fuss about wanting to be set down. What he wants right now is to get as far away from the warehouse as possible, and he can't do that very quickly on his own.
There's a little hum in response to what Buzen says.]
...Their chances are-- not good. [Not in a game like this. Not when several are still holding onto the hope that they can find a way around the rules.] To be honest, I had thought many of them would be at risk because some might consider them easier targets, but...
[EVEN THOUGH HE SAID THAT IT STILL FEELS LIKE ???? THAT ONE DIED AND IT WASN'T EVEN BECAUSE THEY WERE AN EASY KILL.]
I feel like there's never any rhyme or reason as for who lives and who dies. That's true here too, about getting Erased. People disappear for bad reasons or no reason at all.
[it's a fact that buzen doesn't like, and yet it's one that he knows well. that matsui knows well too. why did emosaku live, even after all that he'd done? it makes buzen hold matsui just a little bit closer.]
But that also means no one can take away how we feel about it.
[Frankly, he wishes that he didn't have to feel any way about it at all. For the FIFTIETH TIME THIS WEEK HE WISHES HE DIDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH A HUMAN HEART BECAUSE SO MUCH KEEPS HAPPENING but this is fine.
He's quiet for a few moments, just leaning against Buzen, resting his head against his shoulder. Thinking. Trying to sort through the complex storm of emotion and thought he was saddled with, in all its human flaws and hypocrisy.
Eventually, he gives up. That's a tomorrow Matsui problem.]
...I would have liked to believe that existence was less cruel after death.
[Maybe it is, after they're done having a pitstop in HUNGER GAMES LIMBO.]
[the use of the word 'existence' does get buzen to smile a little to himself, and he's a little glad that matsui can't see it.
they're approaching the cathedral and buzen looks up at the structure of it, thinking about paradise and absolution. all those complicated christian thoughts that he'd heard about but never really absorbed the way that matsui did.]
... I think existence is always cruel. I think non-existence is also a little tragic, so I'm not sure if there's a way to win.
But it wouldn't hurt so bad if we didn't love so deeply.
[leaning down to press a kiss to matsui's forehead, not to make a point or anything]
[NOOOOOO his heart... He just sighs a little, reaching up carefully until he can feel the side of Buzen's face beneath his fingertips.]
I said that to Rang, earlier. Something similar, anyway.
[Well. Specifically, what he had said is that people who don't know great love can't know great hatred, but, like. General concept applies! Hearts that feel so much love are also prone to so much worse. Human emotion is such a mess.]
[buzen will lean into the touch automatically, smiling faintly at the idea that matsui and rang talked about this already... that's funny, all things considered. now that they've left rang behind to talk to d, and then gone off on their own...]
I know.
[that matsui dislikes both the hurt, and the existence.]
[This team is a fucking nightmare and such a mess.
He closes his eyes, quiet for a moment. His hand stays where it is for a beat before he shifts so he can reach up with both, cradling Buzen's face between them.]
Because you are.
[Without Buzen here, then he wouldn't be, either, because there's no reason for him to claw back to a life that hurts so badly if Buzen won't be there. It's as simple as that.]
[buzen will lean down to matsui's touch then, simultaneously bringing him up closer and then lowering his head so that he can press their foreheads together. he has to enter the cathedral but right now he's focused on his matsui?]
... if that feels worth it to you, then I'm grateful.
[even though existence is cruel, and the hurt is hard to hold.]
You make it easier for me too... to feel like this heart won't break against everything else.
But this is fine too, he doesn't even know where they are right now... He's just going to let his forehead rest against Buzen's, keeping his hands where they are for the time being.]
You are worth it, Buzen.
[He would truly suffer through SO MUCH for Buzen's sake!! SO MUCH... All the pains and hurts of being alive with a human heart... Though unfortunately, even if Buzen is worth more than anything, there's a breaking point out there in the distance.
After another moment, he leans back a little so he can drop one of his hands down, resting it against Buzen's chest, over his heart.]
... [He doesn't know how he can possibly make anything easier for anyone HONESTLY!!! But...] ...If I can do anything at all for you, then I'm satisfied.
[buzen's heart maintains a steady beat - there was an uptick earlier, when he was particularly mad at D, but it's since calmed again. he'll shift so that he can push open the cathedral doors with his shoulder and bring them back inside.]
We made it to the cathedral, Matsu.
[he says to fill up the space between them briefly. he'll bring them up toward the front again, settling down at the pew.
but as for whether or not there's anything that matsui can do for him, buzen's ask is simple - ]
... Just stay with me. I'm low maintenance, you know? Just... let me stay with you, too.
[when buzen is the type of person who focuses on others, and tries to be a support for them - the most matsui can ever really do for him is... well, give him a chance to do exactly that.]
[Ah, his new home, the cathedral. He relaxes a little, like, a microscopic amount from the incredible tension his body has been harboring up to this point. When they're both on the pew, he resettles himself so he's in Buzen's lap, facing him. Fortunately no banging will happen in this thread. Thanks anna for doing gods literal anti-horny work.]
...If that's what I can do, then I will. I will stay with you, if you stay with me.
[TOGETHER IN PARIS.
He'll go quiet for a little while after that, though, staring in his unseeing way out past Buzen and into the church. Eventually:]
Please wait until Sunday, if you still wish to heal what's left.
[WHY WAS BANGING EVEN STILL AN OPTION MATSUIIIIIIIIIII
buzen is unaware though, so blissfully unaware, and will instead just settle his arms around matsui's waist to steady him. he watches him thoughtfully, because keeping his focus on matsui will help distract him from the half dozen rins that are still running around in his vision.]
... will you let me ask Nahi-chan to help? I don't want you to still be hurt by the new week.
It's already a lot longer than you normally go without repairs.
[so buzen thinks it's fair of him to want to rush the rest.]
This is so funny. A hundred Rins just out here doing whatever the fuck, and Matsui can't see them and also refuses to see them. He would simply not be able to hold himself together. This terrible effect has become a blessing in disguise.]
...If you wish. [He'll concede this much, at least.] I don't want to be a burden to you.
[Buzen is doing so much for him... But also, he doesn't want to be seen as an easy target and end up leaving Buzen before he's ready to.]
[I HATE IT HEREEEEE I PRAY THIS NEVER HAPPENSSSSSS
Wow he hates this, though. The difference that's most important is that Buzen is perfect and doesn't deserve to carry his injuries with him?? Matsui does! HIS PENANCE.
But he knows that giving an answer like that won't do anything but hurt Buzen, and the last thing either of them need right now is more hurt. So he'll just lean forward so he can rest against Buzen fully, closing his eyes.]
I wouldn't want you to. [He wouldn't necessarily stop Buzen, but he would be deeply unhappy about it.] I dislike seeing you hurt.
[And he knows the reverse is true, unfortunately.]
[buzen takes on matsui's weight easily, steady and uncaring of the fact that they're just out here cuddling in front of mother peter's salad. he'll lean down to nuzzle against matsui's cheek annoyingly, like that'll help make his point some more.]
Mm-hmm.
And I bet you'd be able to convince me to get repaired, even if I didn't want to for some reason... [because he's bad at saying no to matsui,] So I think you should let me convince you too.
He's not in a very cuddly mood, unsurprisingly, but he's still in a very clingy one so Buzen just gets him koalaing about it, hiding his face away against Buzen's shoulder. BEGONE.]
You don't have to convince me. If this is what you wish, then that's fine. I just... can't. Not tomorrow.
[Imagine if Matsui had to deal with the double-whammy of seeing Rin everywhere and having to look people in the face and pretend he didn't know what was going on. THE LAST TIME HE HAD TO DO THAT ALL HE DID WAS STANDING MAN EMOJI IN THE BACKGROUND LIKE :TAILS:]
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It'll take a little while but he eventually manages to like not pass the fuck out from lack of oxygen so that's one small win.]
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sometimes you are way too Sword for a fuckin murder game]
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WELL.
This is fine. He will calm down more over the next few minutes until he's able to talk without spitting blood. His grip probably doesn't ease by much if at all, though.]
I... Buzen, what are we meant to do with this...?
[LEADER, LEAD.]
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... He said it'd be obvious. We'll see if that's the case. If it's not, I can be louder - about what I'm seeing. What we're all seeing.
If it's something that binds all of us - we're the easy option to vote for, no matter what.
[and that's fine. D seems ready to go, and buzen won't stop him. there's no way that buzen was ever going to cover for a murderer. that must've been known ever since they teamed up with rang.]
If he lives, Froggystyle gets to kill him next week. We'll make sure they do. [to even out the points.]
... Nothing will bring Rin-san back, but we can't endanger everyone else too, if we deliver the answer too early.
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But this sounds-- fine. He'd forgotten entirely about the rules in his SHEER FURY AND PANIC, but he hadn't been thinking about giving D away, anyway, because his mind hadn't gotten that far ahead. He's still stuck processing the fact that Rin had been killed by him for a reason as petty as annoyance. That he had prayed not to die. That he'd died anyway, crying and attempting to flee. YEAH THAT MENTAL IMAGE IN PARTICULAR ISN'T GOING TO HAUNT HIM.]
...Mm. If that's what you think...
[Then he'll abide by it. He can't think straight right now, anyway, so frankly any ideas would be better than whatever the hell he could think up right now.]
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but Buzen will just frown even as he presses his face into Matsui's hair. it is what he thinks. it's the only thing in his head that sounds like it could even be halfway fair, to even get close to making up for what happened. but it also bothers him, because he knows that D told them - and D is ready to die, even though he did this much to live. it's complicated. it's annoying. it eats at his insides.
even now he wants to understand, and he can't. but he also knows that D isn't the only person who he can be mad at. the person who made the call to him is who Buzen wants to cut into more.
he doesn't say that though.]
Everything will be okay, Matsu.
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Matsui will probably calm down later and be able to talk to D more rationally, but for now, he just takes solace in the fact that Buzen is still here with him. If Buzen is here, then he can push through the trial. He can deal with the aftermath. He can work to make sure that things are as even as possible, even if there's never any way of truly evening out the score after taking a life, and doesn't he know it?]
...I believe you.
[That's all he says, anyway, because he's kind of got to believe Buzen or he'll lose his fuckin mind. Later, when the shock of the situation passes, he'll also think more about the person who made the call. There will be difficult conversations ahead for them, but when is that not the case?
For now, he's quiet for a few moments. Then:]
We talked, once... about the strength that he found from his father's death, and how suffocating it was. But I believe that he was upset that he wasn't even stronger. He was... very out of place, here.
[A kind person from a peaceful era, with no need to become as strong as some of the rest of them.]
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[before going to lift matsui into his arms, just so that they're a little further away from the warehouse. he rested overnight, he's fine. off they go to head toward the cathedral probably.]
... even if he's out of place, you want to root for him anyway, right? To hope that somehow, he'll make it out okay, even though everything here is foreign.
[that's how buzen still feels about haru, about kazuki, about all those kids here who don't seem to know how to keep afloat but are stuck here anyway]
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There's a little hum in response to what Buzen says.]
...Their chances are-- not good. [Not in a game like this. Not when several are still holding onto the hope that they can find a way around the rules.] To be honest, I had thought many of them would be at risk because some might consider them easier targets, but...
[EVEN THOUGH HE SAID THAT IT STILL FEELS LIKE ???? THAT ONE DIED AND IT WASN'T EVEN BECAUSE THEY WERE AN EASY KILL.]
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I feel like there's never any rhyme or reason as for who lives and who dies. That's true here too, about getting Erased. People disappear for bad reasons or no reason at all.
[it's a fact that buzen doesn't like, and yet it's one that he knows well. that matsui knows well too. why did emosaku live, even after all that he'd done? it makes buzen hold matsui just a little bit closer.]
But that also means no one can take away how we feel about it.
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He's quiet for a few moments, just leaning against Buzen, resting his head against his shoulder. Thinking. Trying to sort through the complex storm of emotion and thought he was saddled with, in all its human flaws and hypocrisy.
Eventually, he gives up. That's a tomorrow Matsui problem.]
...I would have liked to believe that existence was less cruel after death.
[Maybe it is, after they're done having a pitstop in HUNGER GAMES LIMBO.]
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they're approaching the cathedral and buzen looks up at the structure of it, thinking about paradise and absolution. all those complicated christian thoughts that he'd heard about but never really absorbed the way that matsui did.]
... I think existence is always cruel. I think non-existence is also a little tragic, so I'm not sure if there's a way to win.
But it wouldn't hurt so bad if we didn't love so deeply.
[leaning down to press a kiss to matsui's forehead, not to make a point or anything]
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I said that to Rang, earlier. Something similar, anyway.
[Well. Specifically, what he had said is that people who don't know great love can't know great hatred, but, like. General concept applies! Hearts that feel so much love are also prone to so much worse. Human emotion is such a mess.]
I dislike it.
[The hurt. Also existence but it's fine.]
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I know.
[that matsui dislikes both the hurt, and the existence.]
But you're still here.
[for some reason.]
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He closes his eyes, quiet for a moment. His hand stays where it is for a beat before he shifts so he can reach up with both, cradling Buzen's face between them.]
Because you are.
[Without Buzen here, then he wouldn't be, either, because there's no reason for him to claw back to a life that hurts so badly if Buzen won't be there. It's as simple as that.]
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... if that feels worth it to you, then I'm grateful.
[even though existence is cruel, and the hurt is hard to hold.]
You make it easier for me too... to feel like this heart won't break against everything else.
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But this is fine too, he doesn't even know where they are right now... He's just going to let his forehead rest against Buzen's, keeping his hands where they are for the time being.]
You are worth it, Buzen.
[He would truly suffer through SO MUCH for Buzen's sake!! SO MUCH... All the pains and hurts of being alive with a human heart... Though unfortunately, even if Buzen is worth more than anything, there's a breaking point out there in the distance.
After another moment, he leans back a little so he can drop one of his hands down, resting it against Buzen's chest, over his heart.]
... [He doesn't know how he can possibly make anything easier for anyone HONESTLY!!! But...] ...If I can do anything at all for you, then I'm satisfied.
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We made it to the cathedral, Matsu.
[he says to fill up the space between them briefly. he'll bring them up toward the front again, settling down at the pew.
but as for whether or not there's anything that matsui can do for him, buzen's ask is simple - ]
... Just stay with me. I'm low maintenance, you know? Just... let me stay with you, too.
[when buzen is the type of person who focuses on others, and tries to be a support for them - the most matsui can ever really do for him is... well, give him a chance to do exactly that.]
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...If that's what I can do, then I will. I will stay with you, if you stay with me.
[TOGETHER IN PARIS.
He'll go quiet for a little while after that, though, staring in his unseeing way out past Buzen and into the church. Eventually:]
Please wait until Sunday, if you still wish to heal what's left.
[As if Buzen would be like nah.]
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buzen is unaware though, so blissfully unaware, and will instead just settle his arms around matsui's waist to steady him. he watches him thoughtfully, because keeping his focus on matsui will help distract him from the half dozen rins that are still running around in his vision.]
... will you let me ask Nahi-chan to help? I don't want you to still be hurt by the new week.
It's already a lot longer than you normally go without repairs.
[so buzen thinks it's fair of him to want to rush the rest.]
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This is so funny. A hundred Rins just out here doing whatever the fuck, and Matsui can't see them and also refuses to see them. He would simply not be able to hold himself together. This terrible effect has become a blessing in disguise.]
...If you wish. [He'll concede this much, at least.] I don't want to be a burden to you.
[Buzen is doing so much for him... But also, he doesn't want to be seen as an easy target and end up leaving Buzen before he's ready to.]
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buzen, UNAWARE OF THE HORRORS OF CATHOLIC SLUTTY, will just give matsui a ltitle squeeze at that, nestling his face close a moment later.]
You're never a burden to me.
[easily,]
.... I know it doesn't bother you to be hurt. But it bothers me. If I got a bunch of injuries out of nowhere, would you let me keep them if I asked?
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Wow he hates this, though. The difference that's most important is that Buzen is perfect and doesn't deserve to carry his injuries with him?? Matsui does! HIS PENANCE.
But he knows that giving an answer like that won't do anything but hurt Buzen, and the last thing either of them need right now is more hurt. So he'll just lean forward so he can rest against Buzen fully, closing his eyes.]
I wouldn't want you to. [He wouldn't necessarily stop Buzen, but he would be deeply unhappy about it.] I dislike seeing you hurt.
[And he knows the reverse is true, unfortunately.]
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Mm-hmm.
And I bet you'd be able to convince me to get repaired, even if I didn't want to for some reason... [because he's bad at saying no to matsui,] So I think you should let me convince you too.
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He's not in a very cuddly mood, unsurprisingly, but he's still in a very clingy one so Buzen just gets him koalaing about it, hiding his face away against Buzen's shoulder. BEGONE.]
You don't have to convince me. If this is what you wish, then that's fine. I just... can't. Not tomorrow.
[Imagine if Matsui had to deal with the double-whammy of seeing Rin everywhere and having to look people in the face and pretend he didn't know what was going on. THE LAST TIME HE HAD TO DO THAT ALL HE DID WAS STANDING MAN EMOJI IN THE BACKGROUND LIKE :TAILS:]
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