[BUZEN IS SOOO STUPID. HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO DO THE HEAD THUNK MATSUI JUST AUTOMATICALLY LOOKS RIGHT AT HIM WHEN HE TRIES TO CLAIM THE BLAME FOR HIMSELF. STOP THAT.
There are several feelings then. First, the protective adamance that comes from his fierce and all-encompassing love, that he would stand against anyone who would turn the burden against Buzen, even if it's Buzen. Then, there's the white-hot slash of rage. Libby had been fair with her fight against him, but the idea that she would target Buzen, whose skill so vastly outmatched her own, and used the first chance she could get to tip things in her favor so cruelly?
The idea of Buzen alone and without his sight, struggling to survive, also pushed another wave of grief through him. Like an earthquake far out at sea, it rolls in high and heavy, leaving him feeling ill.
Before Buzen even holds him closer, he's clutching Buzen with an unhinged sort of tension, like he's worried he may be ripped from his hands the second he blinks.]
It isn't your fault. It isn't. Don't say that. Don't-- say that... I won't go anywhere, I won't make you carry me, so don't take any blame for this.
[matsui's emotions hit buzen in two waves: the initial crash of feeling, and then the aftermath of buzen's own resounding guilt. there's a shame that strikes, white-hot and vivid, about being bested in the way he was. even if he didn't see it, there's something funny about the way that he and matsui both refused to strike down a civilian girl until she was ready - how they still wanted to choose kindness rather than slaughter as long as the option was available to them. and yet. they're still here.]
—then you can't either.
[the words he finally gets out are just as stubborn, feet firmly planted on the ground as he reaches out to bring his hands up to matsui's face. he pulls at his cheeks lightly for a second before just cradling him close, because even buzen's admonishments don't last long.]
You're not the type to blame the dead for dying, Matsu. You never have.
[they mourn, grieve, and repent - but matsui had never been one to say it was the fault of the fallen. it shouldn't be the case when it happens to him either.]
[His hands move to Buzen's chest, where they cover his heart, and he's seized by the mad desire to hold it and shield it from the ugly feelings like shame. The stupid cheek pull surprises him and pulls him out of his freneticism a little, though. He makes a soft, startled sound, looking at Buzen, feeling the weight of his words.
It hurts, in a way. Because Matsui has never blamed the dead for dying, but he always blames himself. There's a fundamental, difficult conflict here - one that he doesn't know how to handle. If he himself can't bear the burden of guilt for his own erasure, then who can? If he can't be the one to shoulder the guilt of being the last to fall, potentially condemning the entirety of their world, then who?
The hurt manifests in hesitation. An unsureness of how to respond, because anything he could say would either be something he didn't want to, or something Buzen wouldn't want to hear.]
[even now, matsui is so sweet to him. even after buzen let him so suddenly and stupidly, matsui is the one trying to protect him. but even buzen can't accept being protected in this way. he closes his eyes, letting himself wade through the bog of misery and emotion, and when he makes it to the very center where matsui waits, he reaches out for him and holds him close - the same way that he always does.]
I know. [softly] I know it feels impossible.
[his thumbs brush over matsui's cheeks just where he pinched a second ago, caressing him like he's the greatest treasure in all the world, before buzen's arms circle around him again for an embrace.]
We don't need to have all the answers, Matsu. And I can't stop whatever it is you're feeling, the same way you can't stop me. These hearts are going to do whatever they want. But... feeling is easy, finding the truth is hard.
[he presses his face into matsui's hair, leaving an imprint of a kiss there]
Even then... together, I still think we can do hard things.
[It's always like this. Their stupid squid metaphor wasn't wrong. Matsui is always waiting in the dark, waiting for Buzen's hand, waiting for his light and warmth. As much guilt as he harbors and as many burdens as he carries, he can still reach back - he wants to, he always wants to be closer and closer still to his dazzling, radiant sun.
How can he not hold tight, when he's being pulled in close? He clings with his arms just as much as he clings with his emotions, finding a harbor in him once more, holding this moment to him so jealously. The backdrop of something almost like fear seeps in, low and quiet, largely overwhelmed by the strength of his louder feelings.
Love - always. So much love. The guilt remains, as it ever will. Exhaustion. Anxiety. Hesitance. Understanding. It's an ugly tangle, as his heart always is. He feels Buzen's back beneath his palms and nuzzles into him.
Quietly:] You know that I don't wish for you to share these things. [Burdens. The hard things. He wants to protect Buzen from every ill in the world, he wants Buzen to have nothing but the best of life, even knowing that they're swords and they exist far from safety.]
...But I want to be with you. I want to stand with you, together. I want to go where you go, and stay where you are. Even if we must do difficult things, and our hearts ache and don't listen to us... As long as you are here, I would share it. ...I would give anything to keep walking with you.
[If he were to ever lose Buzen again, he knows that it would shatter every bit of him, and he would never recover.]
[it's because buzen's said the same things before that he understands - to want only beauty for someone, so that they never have to experience the extent of pain this heart can feel. it's an action born out of fierce love and protectiveness, not a desire to be alone. but that's where buzen and samidare differ. buzen has never been good at leaving well enough alone, even if he's clumsy when he gets it into his hands.
even still, these fumbling, foolish hands have never and will never learn to let go of matsui.
the clinging is met with a similar squeeze, like if buzen could curl himself around matsui to protect him from every drop of despair, he would. but he can't, he's not big enough to shield him - so instead he can only let the two of them drop in that vast ocean of feeling together. matsui's feelings are overwhelming, so large despite how little he might express, but buzen thinks it's fine if they sink a little further - so long as it's together.]
... thanks. For being a little more honest.
[about what he wants, and about what it'd take for him to keep going. buzen nuzzles more into matsui's hair for a moment before ducking down just so that he can press his lips into matsui's cheek - once, twice, thrice as he hopes some imprint of his adoring affection can be left behind.]
I'm here, Matsu. You don't need to give anything at all. Being with you is all I've wanted - since before we even had these bodies. So as long as I've got the legs to run to you, I don't think anything could ever keep us apart.
[His honestly isn't always a good thing. They can sink together into the abyss of his heart, though; he twists his fingers into Buzen's shirt, holding the fabric tight. He's a heavy weight. He'll only drag Buzen down. But he's too selfish right now to let go, even if it means sinking the both of them.]
...It's the least that I can do. [Provide honesty in the moment. He turns his head, pressing his lips lightly against the corner of Buzen's mouth in the way he'd done several days ago, before his world had shattered for a second time.] I'll wait for you, if I have to. Even if it's difficult... I know that you would find me.
[And then, because he's been fucking INSANE ALL WEEKEND and the unhinged vibes are still livin large within him:]
But if you go ahead without me again, I will not let anything stop me from following.
[(INSANE WITCH GRIEF BASS BOOSTED)
This isn't even true because Matsui's love is too big and his heart is too human and he couldn't do anything that would hurt Buzen, and in the end, he always chooses to protect the innocent, unarmed, faultless, even if it would crush him - but in this specific moment, clutching Buzen like he might vanish again, he feels like he would rather let himself and everything else fall away into nothing if Buzen was taken from him a third time.]
[he wishes he could be shocked - instead, there is only that little surprised feeling. at least here, without the rest of the gous, buzen is fairly aware of the responsibility he holds when it comes to keeping matsui together. he's already failed it once. supposedly twice, if the journey he got whisked away on suggests anything. how many times will buzen fall short of the one thing he wants to accomplish?]
I'm being threatened, huh. [softly, almost lightly - but he'll lean in to catch matsui's lips with his own once more.] I never want to go ahead, Matsu. I want to stay right where you are.
... so I'll do what I can, to protect us both. I'm getting tired of my best not being enough.
[and there's the slightest sharpening of his emotions - some level of caution and intensity, a kill instinct that buzen normally keeps very padded by his own friendliness and sincerity. but if it really means matsui is on the line, then he won't even let those ideals stop him anymore. the next thing that tries to kill him will be marked at his target - no matter who or what it is.]
I don't want to disappoint you anymore. I don't want to leave you anymore. I didn't think it would be so hard - for the two of us to just stay together. But if that's the case, I'll have to fight for it with everything I've got.
[Even with the lightness of his tone, there's a little flicker of guilt at that. He is threatening Buzen. He's putting more weight on his shoulders. But he can't not... He can't let Buzen go again.
Instead of addressing that, he addresses something else first.]
You have never disappointed me.
[It's true. Buzen has done a lot of things to his heart, but he's never once harbored disappointment toward him for anything at all. Least of all this - being wrenched away through someone else's choices and actions, through a series of events that he had no say in.]
...But I can't do this again. I will fight to hold you here, but...
[this time, buzen will close the distance between them again - a firm, confident press of his lips against matsui's as if that'll be enough to keep him from uttering another word past that.]
Nope. No 'but'.
[it takes some time for him to find the words that he wants - but his feelings congeal long before it. they cement in his own certainty, the need to so staunchly remain at matsui's side, no matter the cost. whether it be to protect their world or just to keep this dear, important person close to him for as long as possible - both reasons are ones that buzen would be willing to fight tooth and nail for. his natural sense of protectiveness surges up and up and up, until it coats everything else that he feels.]
You are the only one in this world that I'll allow to threaten me. You're the only one who's allowed to demand something this big, because I'd do anything for you.
[and that's why he doesn't want matsui to feel guilt. he doesn't want him to feel ashamed for his threat, joking or otherwise. because at the end, it is something that matsui is asking of him - and buzen will always, always answer.]
I'm staying with you. [ . . . ] If anything, it feels nice - to know that there's something you want to demand of me. That there's still something I can offer you, to make our team worthwhile.
[that in the end, somehow, buzen is still wanted.]
[He's quiet, listening, feeling that surge of protectiveness like a blanket, something dependable that he can cling to and hold close. He tucks himself against Buzen's body, feeling his heart beat away once more between their chests - so much better, lovelier, more vibrant than the cold and lifeless corpse that he sat vigil by for nine hours just a day ago. He really does think that if he ever had to see such a thing again, his own heart would give out on the spot, and he would be grateful for it.]
...I believe you.
[That Buzen will stay. That he'll hold tight. That he won't disappear again, like a phantom, like breath across a mirror, like the earliest dewdrops before the sun rises.]
You are what's worthwhile to me. [HE REALLY SAID BYE D AND RANG.] The one whose hand I won't let go of is yours. So... I will be selfish and make this demand.
[There's a little roll of sorrow through his turbulent sea of emotion, and he presses his lips against Buzen's temple with something almost like reverence.]
[slowly but surely, buzen is wondering if he's getting an idea of how much he truly means to matsui.
it's an odd thing for him to comprehend - when he knows how dearly the gous all love each other, but it sits just as oddly with him as the knowledge that kotegiri calls him 'leader'. when buzen's existence is one of the most tenuous and uncertain, compared to all these other well-preserved treasures who belong in museums and to decorated families. matsui says that it may be a selfish thing for him to demand buzen's presence - but it is akin to the light of the moon trying to capture one measly breeze. someone so beautiful and important reaching out for something lost to history.
even so, it fills his heart with such intense affection and gratitude. to know that for some reason, matsui still loves him so. and buzen has always loved matsui - didn't know how to exist in this body before the feeling manifested in every inch of him - but the feeling is only amplified here. thank you for loving me.
one arm remains around matsui just as buzen curls around him, nuzzling in close like he'd be able to shield him from any additional hurt or pain. his other hand reaches for matsui's and intertwines their fingers.]
As long as you want me, I'll be right here. I'll always come to get you, so I can hold you just like this. No matter the world, the time, the circumstance—I'm always going to find you, Matsu.
So be selfish with me. Tell me everything you want. Knowing that you want me... I want to be selfish for that too. If my existence matters that much to you... then I'll do everything I can to be real, and be with you.
[His heart is always so full of adoration and anguish, overflowing at all times. From within this miserable sea, there's warmth and love, and the strong, strong desire to never be parted again. Matsui gives Buzen's hand a squeeze and holds so tightly, like the world's most precious treasure is in his arms.]
I'll always want you. I want you to be here with me. I want to stay with you...
[Speaking honestly and unfettered out of fear of loss if nothing else. He's normally so tightlipped with his wants, but he's so, so tired of leaving them unsaid, only to be put into a position where he thinks he'll never be able to say it even if he wants to.
It's an outpouring, then. He's really making things difficult for Buzen, but he wants to make his feelings clear, even if they can be felt.]
We've had so much of it, but I want more time with you... Is that terrible? [He does feel guilt. So many hundreds of years and he's still so greedy.] I don't think that any amount will ever satisfy me. Still... if it has to end, I want to stay with you through it all. Don't let go of my hand.
[matsui has cried so much lately - it's remarkable, given how hard it was to move him to tears before this. but for some reason, despite the pain of dying and the guilt of contributing to their downfall, this is what finally gets the pressure to manifest behind buzen's eyes. he's never cried. not at shimabara, not when he had to cut down his friends, not when this heart has felt so close to being torn in two.
but matsui's honesty spilling from him, all these simple wishes that sound like buzen's most private wants that he's never been able to bring himself to say, make his throat tighten. his emotions ride that wave of being so terribly moved, even as he buries his face more against matsui.
clutching on so desperately, like only now is he also realizing what he was so close to losing.]
I don't think that's terrible. I think—even beings like us are always going to want more time. I just... [didn't think that you would too. but ah, he's too nervous to let that thought escape into the space between them. he wants to enjoy this moment as it is.]
I don't think even having forever would be enough. I'll always want to spend more time with you. [a beat, a laugh - one that shakes] I want everything that you do. So... you just stay with me too, okay? Don't go anywhere, now that we're back together.
[Buzen is such a brilliant thing - a star in every right, the slowly spinning sun, and even now, close to tears, Matsui finds him blinding. As Buzen buries his face, Matsui raises his hands, holding the back of his head so gently, stroking down his back.]
I won't. I'm not going anywhere. I'll stay with you, even if we don't have forever.
[For now, at least. The game rages on and nothing but the afterlife may await them when their missions here are done, but even then, if they have to leave, he hopes that they can leave together.
But those are weighty, heavy thoughts that won't come to pass for weeks still, so he sets them away for now, kissing the side of Buzen's head, running his fingers through his hair. There's an aching tenderness in his gestures and emotion, even if he knows he isn't very good at comfort.
He'll stay like this for some time, just enjoying the closeness that he's missed so terribly after only two days without. The heart is a terrible thing, so greedy and insatiable, and easier and easier to hurt with each bit of fondness that grows in it.
[when the tears do fall, they are minimal and quiet. the way that buzen blinks against matsui and the dampness takes him by surprise too. they disappear in a matter of a few blinks, but he finds himself moved nonetheless. even if this is temporary, even if this changes soon, then at least for now - matsui won't leave him either. he's not at risk of leaving first, if only just for now.
he didn't realize how much just hearing those words for even a split second affects him so.]
... thank you, Matsu.
[a little mumble, but one that he feels like he has to say - at least for now, thanks for letting buzen feel like maybe he can believe that he and matsui actually have a chance of being together until whatever end might come. he breathes in and out before he does raise his head, and returns the kiss when his lips brush against matsui's forehead.]
[NOT THE TEARS ON HIMMM!!! After the kiss to his forehead, Matsui moves the hand that isn't holding Buzen's and cups the side of his face gently, fingers collecting any lingering dampness.
There's a pit of fear, for a moment - the feeling when a rollercoaster takes that first drop, like his stomach is bottoming out. He's afraid. He doesn't want to know, in some parts of himself, because the very few pieces he did learn were already enough to dig into him like pikes, holding him beneath the sea.
But there's duty and love which both push him past that fear. He strokes the side of Buzen's face.]
Yes. Allow me to bear this with you, in what small way I can.
[This is a terrible idea on this the last day of emotionshare Buzen's about to get walloped.]
[he sure is! but regardless, he just makes a soft sound. if matsui is sure, then it's not like buzen has ever learned to deny him. his own emotions quiet now, careful and somber. despite this, an undercurrent of guilt persists past his words]
... I left the cathedral because I didn't want to fight there. We found each other at the diner. She approached me as Fuku-sensei... I don't know how, but she looked just like him. The emotions were fearful though, and Kaizen, his sword, wasn't at his side. So I knew it wasn't him.
She said that the call threatened to take out her whole team if she didn't act—and I said, I understood. But she had to understand that if she succeeded in killing me... I didn't think our team would last much longer either. It would be hard for us to keep going. So it was her team, or mine, and that's why I had to fight.
[it's automatic, how buzen turns his head to press his lips against matsui's temple - he doesn't blame him, not in the slightest. but there is a sense of understanding there. buzen knew that he had to live... and yet he still failed.]
But... I couldn't attack her first, once I realized who she was. I thought it was the least I could do, when she was outmatched to the extent she was. [compared to him, a little weapon. she is still a civilian. despite everything, this is where he feels regret. perhaps choosing kindness was the wrong thing. perhaps this small mercy was what led to all of their downfalls.
even though, if he made it to trial, he doesn't think he would've let anyone take the fall for him either. were they always going to be cursed this way?]
I didn't expect her to blind me—and when we got to fighting, she must've gotten close enough to poison me. Even if I slashed at her, I wasn't able to aim properly... and before long, I was dying again.
[and without his sight, it didn't occur him to heal an affliction he didn't know was there.
buzen's emotions are subdued here - like wading out into a still pond. the ripples are minor, but the cold chill of his feeling of failure persists. in the end, he was no better than this.]
[Buzen is all somber and guilt, understanding and hurt from his own perceived inadequacies. Cold and still. It fills him with discomfort, like the frigid last breath of some dying creature in a winter's field.
There hasn't been a point in this week where Matsui has tried to reel in his emotions, partially because he doesn't know how. His heart feels too much at all times. There's a feeling like he might be trying for a moment, even so - a little slip of something, like Matsui's trying to hold himself in, but it's like trying to catch water when the water pressure is increasing by the second.
The feeling of grief and misery have yet to fully abate, even with Buzen literally in his arms, and it starts to surge again as he begins to lay out that night. He's heard none of this before, having sought answers and found nothing, so every piece of information is like the serrated edge of broken glass digging in to his hands. They're the same. They had both tried to give her the grace of kindness, and for himself, it had worked out. Their duel was about as fair as it could have been, when he was armed and she only had scissors. He had felt guilt for being unable to do anything but slay her like so many civilians before her, even if he never felt in the wrong for killing her at all.
But Buzen? Buzen had talked to her. Buzen had stayed his hand, offering her the first move. And this is what she had given him. There's a lot in this to be roiling with anger about, from the initial attempt at deception to the weight of one team against another and the depth of what that means.
There's a sharp spike of something furious, accordingly, but more than that, his mind paints vivid pictures for him like bursts of gunfire. He had been so helpless with his lost sight, even with the honed senses of a blade. Buzen held his hand and guided him to where he needed to go. When Buzen needed someone to do the same, Matsui was asleep, tucked away on a pew. What was it like, waking up that night? Knowing what that meant? What had he been feeling? What about when he was blinded? How much did he struggle? What did the poison feel like? Did it hurt? Was it agonizing? How long was it before death had taken Buzen away?
He thinks about the horse, and how small her hand had looked against it. How quickly such a large and furious creature had succumbed, weak, stumbling, the blood of its body betraying it, carrying lethal toxins to every cell, every nerve, every tissue with each beat of its heart. His hand drops from Buzen's face and moves to his chest, where it rests.
His emotions are gruesome and crushing - the sensation of being pulled to the center of a whirlpool where some enormous, violent shadow of a thing waits.]
So she was the one to carry you back.
[Something ugly and horrific tangles in his chest at the thought, the idea of her having walked right past them with Buzen's body.]
matsui's emotions are intense - always they feel like so much to be captured in this new heart of his - but the full force of them really is something that he didn't anticipate. he takes measured breaths even as matsui's angers overshadow his own, as subdued and muffled as they are. when matsui presses a hand over his chest, buzen's hand rest over it in turn - so he can easily feel every beat of buzen's heart.
whispers of buzen's own feelings escape as the weight of matsui's lays upon him, as if answering their call. surprise, regret, shame, uncertainty, regret regret regret. the barely remembered brush of fear, before it gets swallowed by a bloody, bloody acceptance.]
... when I couldn't keep my feet anymore - I asked her to. [he manages after a moment] I didn't want to die so far from you.
[and there is guilt that rises again, for being brought to a place that matsui held so dear. maybe he should've thought better of it, but even in those last flickering moments, it was all he remembered. all he wanted. i want to be next to you.]
I heard what happened to my blade more than I saw it—it broke, didn't it? Somehow... The weight of it shifted in my hand.
[ . . . ]
Well... she tried to be kind. She didn't want to give me a reason, because she said it sounded cruel... but she still wanted to assure me that I mattered - even though she chose to erase me. [a beat, and then heavy, as if something dropped in his stomach] Sometimes I forget that I shouldn't always hope for better, when it comes to humans.
[who might want to be soft and gentle, even when they do something cruel.]
[He grasps at each emotion that filters through their connection. The surprise, the shame, the uncertainty. That tiny flicker of fear. The regret. He wants to clutch each one, like it's another opportunity to hold close both Buzen and everything that makes him. Like if he sears the things that Buzen feels into himself, it might make a bond strong enough that not even death itself could sever it.
The force of Buzen saying that he had requested to be taken there hits him like a freight train, though. To think that Buzen had been there, unable to see, unable to even talk to Matsui through his forced unconsciousness... His fingers flex, digging into the fabric over Buzen's heart. He feels ill, off-kilter, and for a second, like he's becoming detached from his own body. Buzen feels so far away, suddenly.
It's what he says next that brings him whiplashing back. His blade, first-- That it had ended up in pieces in the canal, that he didn't even see what happened to it. Discarded like trash. As if it wasn't the most precious thing human hands have created. And then, she tried to be kind. Her reason was cruel. She said that Buzen mattered. I wouldn't kill a friend.
There's a supernova flare, a flashbang of cacophonous emotion, sick and writhing like a poisoned creature in and of itself. Matsui isn't the type of sword to hold hatred in his heart; he's more prone to melancholy and mourning. Still, though his fury is often short-lived, it's full of violent, righteous fervor. It's a howling, terminal bloodlust - the type of roaring blaze that could easily devour him and anything unfortunate enough to be around him.
Really, he couldn't blame whoever suppressed this.
His grip on Buzen's hand is probably painfully tight, and he doesn't seem to notice. It's like he's staring through Buzen for a moment - through his words, through time, back to the place and the moment where his future had been stolen from him for a reason Libby wouldn't even dignify him with. Cowardice. His entire body feels like it's buzzing, vibrating. Like the very blood in his veins wants to burst forth, repenting for being able to do nothing at all for Buzen and choking out anything that would dare do this to him in the first place.]
...Humans are-- unchanging.
[He's a caring person, but his view on humanity at large has always been more nihilistic, pessimistic. After what he's seen, how could he be anything but? This, too, is a human being a human. Striving to survive, to protect. Trying to absolve themselves of the weight of their sins, trying to justify what they've done, trying to run from their burdens - and if not run from them, then act like the outcome is worth the blood shed.
He wants to say more, but the words stick from the sheer force of the misery and murderous rage clogging his throat. Give him a moment to get back online girl help.]
[it's surprising - to feel this much fury on his behalf. maybe it shouldn't be, when buzen knows his own tendencies to be willing to do everything to defend matsui, and even the rest of his team. it's so much simpler to feel anger and defensiveness on behalf of others. even then - he didn't expect matsui's feelings to flatten him so entirely.
his pulse stutters with the sheer extent of it all, the fury, bloodlust, and despair all twisting together. matsui's tight grip grounds him in the moment, and buzen squeezes back, if only to try to hold tight onto matsui too. so he doesn't get lost in the fit of his own anger and emotion, even as buzen's own throat tightens up with the sheer force of his feelings. so in a moment where he cannot bring himself to speak, he moves forward instead. he presses his lips against the side of matsui's face, by his temple, the corner of his eye, his cheek - firmly just to ground him back in this moment where buzen is here with him, against all odds. where they've been granted not just their second, but third chance.]
Matsu. [softly, but firmly.] I'm right here, Matsu.
[assurances are all that he can manage, because - he doesn't know if he has any right to tell matsui what to feel. if this level of destruction is wrong, even if it speaks to a part of buzen that he normally doesn't listen to. the part of him that just as badly seeks out roughness and violence, if only for the thrill, even despite all the times that he chooses to be softness.
but when a blade is truly wronged, is it any surprise that their soul seeks to cut?]
[It's always hard for him to avoid getting swept up in the whirlwind of his own heart, and even Buzen's voice is just a barely-there rope that he can hardly make out. He grasps for it anyway, though. There isn't anything more that he can do. He had already spilled blood in return for blood, even though it was the life of one instead of the lives of three. It felt even enough to him, at the time.
That instinctive urge to slash and spill is so strong within him in the moment, though. Maybe it's a good thing that she hadn't said anything. If he had learned this, unable to feel the sharpness of his own bloodthirst, it would have only slammed into him even harder whenever it did come back.
It's still a few more seconds before his eyes drift back, catching Buzen's like he's woken from a dream. He speaks as though dazed, even if his words are clear.]
...I do not have it in this heart to forgive her, Buzen.
[Even if she tried to be kind, even if she had her reasons, even if she didn't want for Buzen to suffer. Everything about this riles him to the very core of his horrible, bleeding heart, and he knows he'll find no mercy there.]
[ . . . well, it's not like buzen can't understand that much. the words actually let him exhale ever so slightly - to hear that matsui, who buzen always finds to be much kinder than he is when it comes down to it, is struggling with forgiveness too then... maybe it's okay for buzen's emotions to match. the laugh that leaves him is more of a shaky exhale, uncertain.]
... right now, I don't either.
[and for that, a little pulse of guilt hits. buzen normally tries to accept people for all that they are, even though sometimes they might annoy or frustrate him. emosaku was someone that earned buzen's ire, after all that he did, but it's not like he didn't understand or try to understand.
for libby, buzen understands. he doesn't fault her for trying to survive. but understanding doesn't mean that his feelings align, as much as they'd like to. and these feelings aren't on his own behalf, but for the fact that matsui and rang followed after him so soon. he holds matsui closer to him then, pressing a kiss to his hair. buzen has already been lost to history - he doesn't mind if he's broken, forgotten, or discarded. even if those things hurt, he can understand them. he can forgive them. he's no one important.
but matsui and rang - they're important. they had lives and legacies outside of him, and didn't deserve to be put in jeopardy. all the choices that could be made on a thursday would hurt. this just feels like an especially cruel one.]
You don't have to, Matsu. I have trouble forgiving anyone that hurts you either. I don't think that's wrong.
[There may be some ways in which Buzen is less kind, but Matsui can also be more vengeful, less forgiving and crueler when at his worst. No one has ever taken something so precious from him before, because he holds on to very few things with such a jealous intensity, and it's truly stoking something awful in him on top of these new details he's learned.
The guilt that he feels from Buzen makes him want to hide him away from the world that would make him feel this way, makes him want to take the hurt from him because he deserves none of it, but he can't do anything that significant. He can only hold his hand so tightly, hold Buzen's body to his own. His heart isn't always a kind one, but it's overflowing with love and sorrow and fury.]
...I don't-- wish to feel this way... [He wishes that he could be kinder, more forgiving, especially when he has so much to atone for, himself. Buzen had said "right now", but Matsui knows that for him, he'll never find that forgiveness.]
But it is the way that I feel. You are too important, too dear. To think she would say and do these things... I will hold onto it, even if you decide at some point to offer her forgiveness.
[There's a twist of something unpleasant in him at the thought of that, but it's because he simply thinks Buzen is far too good to offer anything even remotely kind to a person who would tell him he mattered before stripping him of his agency and life. The vibes are hellishly rancid about it. Thinking about how he felt so much bad shit so intensely that a shark ate him.]
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There are several feelings then. First, the protective adamance that comes from his fierce and all-encompassing love, that he would stand against anyone who would turn the burden against Buzen, even if it's Buzen. Then, there's the white-hot slash of rage. Libby had been fair with her fight against him, but the idea that she would target Buzen, whose skill so vastly outmatched her own, and used the first chance she could get to tip things in her favor so cruelly?
The idea of Buzen alone and without his sight, struggling to survive, also pushed another wave of grief through him. Like an earthquake far out at sea, it rolls in high and heavy, leaving him feeling ill.
Before Buzen even holds him closer, he's clutching Buzen with an unhinged sort of tension, like he's worried he may be ripped from his hands the second he blinks.]
It isn't your fault. It isn't. Don't say that. Don't-- say that... I won't go anywhere, I won't make you carry me, so don't take any blame for this.
[GET THE GUILT OUT OF THIS HOUSE.]
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—then you can't either.
[the words he finally gets out are just as stubborn, feet firmly planted on the ground as he reaches out to bring his hands up to matsui's face. he pulls at his cheeks lightly for a second before just cradling him close, because even buzen's admonishments don't last long.]
You're not the type to blame the dead for dying, Matsu. You never have.
[they mourn, grieve, and repent - but matsui had never been one to say it was the fault of the fallen. it shouldn't be the case when it happens to him either.]
Don't start now.
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It hurts, in a way. Because Matsui has never blamed the dead for dying, but he always blames himself. There's a fundamental, difficult conflict here - one that he doesn't know how to handle. If he himself can't bear the burden of guilt for his own erasure, then who can? If he can't be the one to shoulder the guilt of being the last to fall, potentially condemning the entirety of their world, then who?
The hurt manifests in hesitation. An unsureness of how to respond, because anything he could say would either be something he didn't want to, or something Buzen wouldn't want to hear.]
...Buzen...
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I know. [softly] I know it feels impossible.
[his thumbs brush over matsui's cheeks just where he pinched a second ago, caressing him like he's the greatest treasure in all the world, before buzen's arms circle around him again for an embrace.]
We don't need to have all the answers, Matsu. And I can't stop whatever it is you're feeling, the same way you can't stop me. These hearts are going to do whatever they want. But... feeling is easy, finding the truth is hard.
[he presses his face into matsui's hair, leaving an imprint of a kiss there]
Even then... together, I still think we can do hard things.
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How can he not hold tight, when he's being pulled in close? He clings with his arms just as much as he clings with his emotions, finding a harbor in him once more, holding this moment to him so jealously. The backdrop of something almost like fear seeps in, low and quiet, largely overwhelmed by the strength of his louder feelings.
Love - always. So much love. The guilt remains, as it ever will. Exhaustion. Anxiety. Hesitance. Understanding. It's an ugly tangle, as his heart always is. He feels Buzen's back beneath his palms and nuzzles into him.
Quietly:] You know that I don't wish for you to share these things. [Burdens. The hard things. He wants to protect Buzen from every ill in the world, he wants Buzen to have nothing but the best of life, even knowing that they're swords and they exist far from safety.]
...But I want to be with you. I want to stand with you, together. I want to go where you go, and stay where you are. Even if we must do difficult things, and our hearts ache and don't listen to us... As long as you are here, I would share it. ...I would give anything to keep walking with you.
[If he were to ever lose Buzen again, he knows that it would shatter every bit of him, and he would never recover.]
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even still, these fumbling, foolish hands have never and will never learn to let go of matsui.
the clinging is met with a similar squeeze, like if buzen could curl himself around matsui to protect him from every drop of despair, he would. but he can't, he's not big enough to shield him - so instead he can only let the two of them drop in that vast ocean of feeling together. matsui's feelings are overwhelming, so large despite how little he might express, but buzen thinks it's fine if they sink a little further - so long as it's together.]
... thanks. For being a little more honest.
[about what he wants, and about what it'd take for him to keep going. buzen nuzzles more into matsui's hair for a moment before ducking down just so that he can press his lips into matsui's cheek - once, twice, thrice as he hopes some imprint of his adoring affection can be left behind.]
I'm here, Matsu. You don't need to give anything at all. Being with you is all I've wanted - since before we even had these bodies. So as long as I've got the legs to run to you, I don't think anything could ever keep us apart.
I know my place is next to you.
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...It's the least that I can do. [Provide honesty in the moment. He turns his head, pressing his lips lightly against the corner of Buzen's mouth in the way he'd done several days ago, before his world had shattered for a second time.] I'll wait for you, if I have to. Even if it's difficult... I know that you would find me.
[And then, because he's been fucking INSANE ALL WEEKEND and the unhinged vibes are still livin large within him:]
But if you go ahead without me again, I will not let anything stop me from following.
[(INSANE WITCH GRIEF BASS BOOSTED)
This isn't even true because Matsui's love is too big and his heart is too human and he couldn't do anything that would hurt Buzen, and in the end, he always chooses to protect the innocent, unarmed, faultless, even if it would crush him - but in this specific moment, clutching Buzen like he might vanish again, he feels like he would rather let himself and everything else fall away into nothing if Buzen was taken from him a third time.]
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I'm being threatened, huh. [softly, almost lightly - but he'll lean in to catch matsui's lips with his own once more.] I never want to go ahead, Matsu. I want to stay right where you are.
... so I'll do what I can, to protect us both. I'm getting tired of my best not being enough.
[and there's the slightest sharpening of his emotions - some level of caution and intensity, a kill instinct that buzen normally keeps very padded by his own friendliness and sincerity. but if it really means matsui is on the line, then he won't even let those ideals stop him anymore. the next thing that tries to kill him will be marked at his target - no matter who or what it is.]
I don't want to disappoint you anymore. I don't want to leave you anymore. I didn't think it would be so hard - for the two of us to just stay together. But if that's the case, I'll have to fight for it with everything I've got.
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Instead of addressing that, he addresses something else first.]
You have never disappointed me.
[It's true. Buzen has done a lot of things to his heart, but he's never once harbored disappointment toward him for anything at all. Least of all this - being wrenched away through someone else's choices and actions, through a series of events that he had no say in.]
...But I can't do this again. I will fight to hold you here, but...
[Buzen is so good at disappearing, isn't he?]
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Nope. No 'but'.
[it takes some time for him to find the words that he wants - but his feelings congeal long before it. they cement in his own certainty, the need to so staunchly remain at matsui's side, no matter the cost. whether it be to protect their world or just to keep this dear, important person close to him for as long as possible - both reasons are ones that buzen would be willing to fight tooth and nail for. his natural sense of protectiveness surges up and up and up, until it coats everything else that he feels.]
You are the only one in this world that I'll allow to threaten me. You're the only one who's allowed to demand something this big, because I'd do anything for you.
[and that's why he doesn't want matsui to feel guilt. he doesn't want him to feel ashamed for his threat, joking or otherwise. because at the end, it is something that matsui is asking of him - and buzen will always, always answer.]
I'm staying with you. [ . . . ] If anything, it feels nice - to know that there's something you want to demand of me. That there's still something I can offer you, to make our team worthwhile.
[that in the end, somehow, buzen is still wanted.]
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...I believe you.
[That Buzen will stay. That he'll hold tight. That he won't disappear again, like a phantom, like breath across a mirror, like the earliest dewdrops before the sun rises.]
You are what's worthwhile to me. [HE REALLY SAID BYE D AND RANG.] The one whose hand I won't let go of is yours. So... I will be selfish and make this demand.
[There's a little roll of sorrow through his turbulent sea of emotion, and he presses his lips against Buzen's temple with something almost like reverence.]
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it's an odd thing for him to comprehend - when he knows how dearly the gous all love each other, but it sits just as oddly with him as the knowledge that kotegiri calls him 'leader'. when buzen's existence is one of the most tenuous and uncertain, compared to all these other well-preserved treasures who belong in museums and to decorated families. matsui says that it may be a selfish thing for him to demand buzen's presence - but it is akin to the light of the moon trying to capture one measly breeze. someone so beautiful and important reaching out for something lost to history.
even so, it fills his heart with such intense affection and gratitude. to know that for some reason, matsui still loves him so. and buzen has always loved matsui - didn't know how to exist in this body before the feeling manifested in every inch of him - but the feeling is only amplified here. thank you for loving me.
one arm remains around matsui just as buzen curls around him, nuzzling in close like he'd be able to shield him from any additional hurt or pain. his other hand reaches for matsui's and intertwines their fingers.]
As long as you want me, I'll be right here. I'll always come to get you, so I can hold you just like this. No matter the world, the time, the circumstance—I'm always going to find you, Matsu.
So be selfish with me. Tell me everything you want. Knowing that you want me... I want to be selfish for that too. If my existence matters that much to you... then I'll do everything I can to be real, and be with you.
Because I want to be with you too.
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I'll always want you. I want you to be here with me. I want to stay with you...
[Speaking honestly and unfettered out of fear of loss if nothing else. He's normally so tightlipped with his wants, but he's so, so tired of leaving them unsaid, only to be put into a position where he thinks he'll never be able to say it even if he wants to.
It's an outpouring, then. He's really making things difficult for Buzen, but he wants to make his feelings clear, even if they can be felt.]
We've had so much of it, but I want more time with you... Is that terrible? [He does feel guilt. So many hundreds of years and he's still so greedy.] I don't think that any amount will ever satisfy me. Still... if it has to end, I want to stay with you through it all. Don't let go of my hand.
[Metaphorically and not literally probably.]
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but matsui's honesty spilling from him, all these simple wishes that sound like buzen's most private wants that he's never been able to bring himself to say, make his throat tighten. his emotions ride that wave of being so terribly moved, even as he buries his face more against matsui.
clutching on so desperately, like only now is he also realizing what he was so close to losing.]
I don't think that's terrible. I think—even beings like us are always going to want more time. I just... [didn't think that you would too. but ah, he's too nervous to let that thought escape into the space between them. he wants to enjoy this moment as it is.]
I don't think even having forever would be enough. I'll always want to spend more time with you. [a beat, a laugh - one that shakes] I want everything that you do. So... you just stay with me too, okay? Don't go anywhere, now that we're back together.
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I won't. I'm not going anywhere. I'll stay with you, even if we don't have forever.
[For now, at least. The game rages on and nothing but the afterlife may await them when their missions here are done, but even then, if they have to leave, he hopes that they can leave together.
But those are weighty, heavy thoughts that won't come to pass for weeks still, so he sets them away for now, kissing the side of Buzen's head, running his fingers through his hair. There's an aching tenderness in his gestures and emotion, even if he knows he isn't very good at comfort.
He'll stay like this for some time, just enjoying the closeness that he's missed so terribly after only two days without. The heart is a terrible thing, so greedy and insatiable, and easier and easier to hurt with each bit of fondness that grows in it.
Eventually, though... Eventually, he has to ask.]
...Will you tell me about it?
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he didn't realize how much just hearing those words for even a split second affects him so.]
... thank you, Matsu.
[a little mumble, but one that he feels like he has to say - at least for now, thanks for letting buzen feel like maybe he can believe that he and matsui actually have a chance of being together until whatever end might come. he breathes in and out before he does raise his head, and returns the kiss when his lips brush against matsui's forehead.]
Are you sure? It's not going to be easy to hear.
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There's a pit of fear, for a moment - the feeling when a rollercoaster takes that first drop, like his stomach is bottoming out. He's afraid. He doesn't want to know, in some parts of himself, because the very few pieces he did learn were already enough to dig into him like pikes, holding him beneath the sea.
But there's duty and love which both push him past that fear. He strokes the side of Buzen's face.]
Yes. Allow me to bear this with you, in what small way I can.
[This is a terrible idea on this the last day of emotionshare Buzen's about to get walloped.]
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... I left the cathedral because I didn't want to fight there. We found each other at the diner. She approached me as Fuku-sensei... I don't know how, but she looked just like him. The emotions were fearful though, and Kaizen, his sword, wasn't at his side. So I knew it wasn't him.
She said that the call threatened to take out her whole team if she didn't act—and I said, I understood. But she had to understand that if she succeeded in killing me... I didn't think our team would last much longer either. It would be hard for us to keep going. So it was her team, or mine, and that's why I had to fight.
[it's automatic, how buzen turns his head to press his lips against matsui's temple - he doesn't blame him, not in the slightest. but there is a sense of understanding there. buzen knew that he had to live... and yet he still failed.]
But... I couldn't attack her first, once I realized who she was. I thought it was the least I could do, when she was outmatched to the extent she was. [compared to him, a little weapon. she is still a civilian. despite everything, this is where he feels regret. perhaps choosing kindness was the wrong thing. perhaps this small mercy was what led to all of their downfalls.
even though, if he made it to trial, he doesn't think he would've let anyone take the fall for him either. were they always going to be cursed this way?]
I didn't expect her to blind me—and when we got to fighting, she must've gotten close enough to poison me. Even if I slashed at her, I wasn't able to aim properly... and before long, I was dying again.
[and without his sight, it didn't occur him to heal an affliction he didn't know was there.
buzen's emotions are subdued here - like wading out into a still pond. the ripples are minor, but the cold chill of his feeling of failure persists. in the end, he was no better than this.]
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There hasn't been a point in this week where Matsui has tried to reel in his emotions, partially because he doesn't know how. His heart feels too much at all times. There's a feeling like he might be trying for a moment, even so - a little slip of something, like Matsui's trying to hold himself in, but it's like trying to catch water when the water pressure is increasing by the second.
The feeling of grief and misery have yet to fully abate, even with Buzen literally in his arms, and it starts to surge again as he begins to lay out that night. He's heard none of this before, having sought answers and found nothing, so every piece of information is like the serrated edge of broken glass digging in to his hands. They're the same. They had both tried to give her the grace of kindness, and for himself, it had worked out. Their duel was about as fair as it could have been, when he was armed and she only had scissors. He had felt guilt for being unable to do anything but slay her like so many civilians before her, even if he never felt in the wrong for killing her at all.
But Buzen? Buzen had talked to her. Buzen had stayed his hand, offering her the first move. And this is what she had given him. There's a lot in this to be roiling with anger about, from the initial attempt at deception to the weight of one team against another and the depth of what that means.
There's a sharp spike of something furious, accordingly, but more than that, his mind paints vivid pictures for him like bursts of gunfire. He had been so helpless with his lost sight, even with the honed senses of a blade. Buzen held his hand and guided him to where he needed to go. When Buzen needed someone to do the same, Matsui was asleep, tucked away on a pew. What was it like, waking up that night? Knowing what that meant? What had he been feeling? What about when he was blinded? How much did he struggle? What did the poison feel like? Did it hurt? Was it agonizing? How long was it before death had taken Buzen away?
He thinks about the horse, and how small her hand had looked against it. How quickly such a large and furious creature had succumbed, weak, stumbling, the blood of its body betraying it, carrying lethal toxins to every cell, every nerve, every tissue with each beat of its heart. His hand drops from Buzen's face and moves to his chest, where it rests.
His emotions are gruesome and crushing - the sensation of being pulled to the center of a whirlpool where some enormous, violent shadow of a thing waits.]
So she was the one to carry you back.
[Something ugly and horrific tangles in his chest at the thought, the idea of her having walked right past them with Buzen's body.]
And your blade? Did you see what happened...?
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matsui's emotions are intense - always they feel like so much to be captured in this new heart of his - but the full force of them really is something that he didn't anticipate. he takes measured breaths even as matsui's angers overshadow his own, as subdued and muffled as they are. when matsui presses a hand over his chest, buzen's hand rest over it in turn - so he can easily feel every beat of buzen's heart.
whispers of buzen's own feelings escape as the weight of matsui's lays upon him, as if answering their call. surprise, regret, shame, uncertainty, regret regret regret. the barely remembered brush of fear, before it gets swallowed by a bloody, bloody acceptance.]
... when I couldn't keep my feet anymore - I asked her to. [he manages after a moment] I didn't want to die so far from you.
[and there is guilt that rises again, for being brought to a place that matsui held so dear. maybe he should've thought better of it, but even in those last flickering moments, it was all he remembered. all he wanted. i want to be next to you.]
I heard what happened to my blade more than I saw it—it broke, didn't it? Somehow... The weight of it shifted in my hand.
[ . . . ]
Well... she tried to be kind. She didn't want to give me a reason, because she said it sounded cruel... but she still wanted to assure me that I mattered - even though she chose to erase me. [a beat, and then heavy, as if something dropped in his stomach] Sometimes I forget that I shouldn't always hope for better, when it comes to humans.
[who might want to be soft and gentle, even when they do something cruel.]
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The force of Buzen saying that he had requested to be taken there hits him like a freight train, though. To think that Buzen had been there, unable to see, unable to even talk to Matsui through his forced unconsciousness... His fingers flex, digging into the fabric over Buzen's heart. He feels ill, off-kilter, and for a second, like he's becoming detached from his own body. Buzen feels so far away, suddenly.
It's what he says next that brings him whiplashing back. His blade, first-- That it had ended up in pieces in the canal, that he didn't even see what happened to it. Discarded like trash. As if it wasn't the most precious thing human hands have created. And then, she tried to be kind. Her reason was cruel. She said that Buzen mattered. I wouldn't kill a friend.
There's a supernova flare, a flashbang of cacophonous emotion, sick and writhing like a poisoned creature in and of itself. Matsui isn't the type of sword to hold hatred in his heart; he's more prone to melancholy and mourning. Still, though his fury is often short-lived, it's full of violent, righteous fervor. It's a howling, terminal bloodlust - the type of roaring blaze that could easily devour him and anything unfortunate enough to be around him.
Really, he couldn't blame whoever suppressed this.
His grip on Buzen's hand is probably painfully tight, and he doesn't seem to notice. It's like he's staring through Buzen for a moment - through his words, through time, back to the place and the moment where his future had been stolen from him for a reason Libby wouldn't even dignify him with. Cowardice. His entire body feels like it's buzzing, vibrating. Like the very blood in his veins wants to burst forth, repenting for being able to do nothing at all for Buzen and choking out anything that would dare do this to him in the first place.]
...Humans are-- unchanging.
[He's a caring person, but his view on humanity at large has always been more nihilistic, pessimistic. After what he's seen, how could he be anything but? This, too, is a human being a human. Striving to survive, to protect. Trying to absolve themselves of the weight of their sins, trying to justify what they've done, trying to run from their burdens - and if not run from them, then act like the outcome is worth the blood shed.
He wants to say more, but the words stick from the sheer force of the misery and murderous rage clogging his throat. Give him a moment to get back online girl help.]
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his pulse stutters with the sheer extent of it all, the fury, bloodlust, and despair all twisting together. matsui's tight grip grounds him in the moment, and buzen squeezes back, if only to try to hold tight onto matsui too. so he doesn't get lost in the fit of his own anger and emotion, even as buzen's own throat tightens up with the sheer force of his feelings. so in a moment where he cannot bring himself to speak, he moves forward instead. he presses his lips against the side of matsui's face, by his temple, the corner of his eye, his cheek - firmly just to ground him back in this moment where buzen is here with him, against all odds. where they've been granted not just their second, but third chance.]
Matsu. [softly, but firmly.] I'm right here, Matsu.
[assurances are all that he can manage, because - he doesn't know if he has any right to tell matsui what to feel. if this level of destruction is wrong, even if it speaks to a part of buzen that he normally doesn't listen to. the part of him that just as badly seeks out roughness and violence, if only for the thrill, even despite all the times that he chooses to be softness.
but when a blade is truly wronged, is it any surprise that their soul seeks to cut?]
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That instinctive urge to slash and spill is so strong within him in the moment, though. Maybe it's a good thing that she hadn't said anything. If he had learned this, unable to feel the sharpness of his own bloodthirst, it would have only slammed into him even harder whenever it did come back.
It's still a few more seconds before his eyes drift back, catching Buzen's like he's woken from a dream. He speaks as though dazed, even if his words are clear.]
...I do not have it in this heart to forgive her, Buzen.
[Even if she tried to be kind, even if she had her reasons, even if she didn't want for Buzen to suffer. Everything about this riles him to the very core of his horrible, bleeding heart, and he knows he'll find no mercy there.]
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... right now, I don't either.
[and for that, a little pulse of guilt hits. buzen normally tries to accept people for all that they are, even though sometimes they might annoy or frustrate him. emosaku was someone that earned buzen's ire, after all that he did, but it's not like he didn't understand or try to understand.
for libby, buzen understands. he doesn't fault her for trying to survive. but understanding doesn't mean that his feelings align, as much as they'd like to. and these feelings aren't on his own behalf, but for the fact that matsui and rang followed after him so soon. he holds matsui closer to him then, pressing a kiss to his hair. buzen has already been lost to history - he doesn't mind if he's broken, forgotten, or discarded. even if those things hurt, he can understand them. he can forgive them. he's no one important.
but matsui and rang - they're important. they had lives and legacies outside of him, and didn't deserve to be put in jeopardy. all the choices that could be made on a thursday would hurt. this just feels like an especially cruel one.]
You don't have to, Matsu. I have trouble forgiving anyone that hurts you either. I don't think that's wrong.
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The guilt that he feels from Buzen makes him want to hide him away from the world that would make him feel this way, makes him want to take the hurt from him because he deserves none of it, but he can't do anything that significant. He can only hold his hand so tightly, hold Buzen's body to his own. His heart isn't always a kind one, but it's overflowing with love and sorrow and fury.]
...I don't-- wish to feel this way... [He wishes that he could be kinder, more forgiving, especially when he has so much to atone for, himself. Buzen had said "right now", but Matsui knows that for him, he'll never find that forgiveness.]
But it is the way that I feel. You are too important, too dear. To think she would say and do these things... I will hold onto it, even if you decide at some point to offer her forgiveness.
[There's a twist of something unpleasant in him at the thought of that, but it's because he simply thinks Buzen is far too good to offer anything even remotely kind to a person who would tell him he mattered before stripping him of his agency and life. The vibes are hellishly rancid about it. Thinking about how he felt so much bad shit so intensely that a shark ate him.]
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