[NOT HIS MATSUI!!!!! buzen just pulls matsui closer when the pig comes crashing through and - his hold doesn't lighten up the whole way through. the memory crashes into him, and he stares unblinking as everything hits him. it's when he watches his own blade plunge into matsui's chest - entirely of matsui's doing - that his hold becomes almost painfully tight.
everything he'd said before rings in his ears like a mockery: Why did I hurt you?! Why would I ever....?!
but buzen would never hurt matsui. that wasn't the question. matsui would hurt matsui though, as soon as buzen become too far to reach.
the weight of it all hits him like a freight train and he bows his head to rest it on matsui's shoulder to obscure his expression, knowing full well that he doesn't know what his face looks like right now. knowing that he's so upset that he has no hope of putting himself back together.]
[Matsui, meanwhile, is just having a little internal breakdown over having to abruptly relive what had at the time been one of his most painful moments here. What a fool!
More than that, though - he's full of guilt. Crushing, agonizing guilt and shame, because the last thing he wants, the last thing he ever wants, is to hurt Buzen. But he had done so much so terribly, in his desperation. He had done unforgivable things - things that he would never forgive himself for, even if others did. Killing Buzen. Using Buzen to end his own life. Being unable to scrape together his pieces fast enough to fully care for those precious human lives that had blinked out in front of him, one by one. Failing as a person, as a sword. Failing to even die.
From within the tight grip of Buzen's arms, he starts to tremble.]
...I... I'm...
[Wow he fuckin hates it here NO PEACE EVEN IN DEATH.]
about a dozen questions have been answered for buzen, and now that means that his curiosity can now go die in the face of the fact that matsui needs him. when he starts to tremble, buzen just squeezes him tighter - as if that'll help keep him together - before letting go and curling around him entirely as if he's trying to shield him away from the rest of the world. his hand goes to find matsui's, and lifts it again until it rests over buzen's heartbeat. how many times will he have to prove this all over again? it's frustrating, and yet buzen also knows that he will fulfill what's expected of him every time.
because it doesn't change anything for him. even if it hurts, even if it's painful to know for certain what happened now, nothing has been changed for him.]
You're right here, Matsu. I've got you. No one's broken.
[The feeling of Buzen's heartbeat against his hand almost has him reflexively reeling back for a second, not because he's afraid or disbelieving, but because it feels like a sin to have the honor of feeling it at all, with all of this ugliness laid bare. Buzen is curled around him, even having seen all of it - all of his mistakes, all of the terrible things he'd done.
His body refuses to still, jittering with an anxious and tightly-wound energy. He can't relax even into the perfect warmth of the harbor that Buzen provides.]
...Buzen-- I...
[He had asked for Buzen to not forgive him, and had been cruel enough to refuse to give him a reason for it. The reason is obvious, now.]
[it's seeing matsui about to fall apart all over again like this that makes buzen even more upset. hardly able to put fragments of sentences together, his own sentiments and love cutting into his palms. buzen inhales and exhales quietly, but in the end all he does is pull matsui all the closer to him.]
... you still don't want me to say it?
[he doesn't want to hear that buzen forgives him?]
Because even if it's a—it's a difficult thing, Matsu. I wish you never had to choose. [between continuing on without him, or just giving up there on the spot] And I wish that you would've chosen the path forward, I'll always want you to choose the path forward.
... but what you did - I don't hold it against you.
[It's terrible. He feels guilty to his core. Buzen is the only thing in this world that can keep him tied to it, that can keep him pieced together, but what an awful thing to be responsible for.
His body, already tense, seems to become even more tightly wound when Buzen asks his first question. He can't get the words out - he can only nod. He still doesn't want it. He doesn't want the mercy of absolution, even though he knew Buzen would give it to him. That's why he hadn't said anything to begin with.
The rest of what Buzen says - they're words that are just so perfectly suited to him, and each one hits like a punch. He makes a miserable little sound, shoulders hunching. He's always making Buzen say things like this.]
buzen loves matsui when he's falling apart. he loves him in those rare moments where he's holding it together enough to smile, to sass, to have those pockets of playfulness that buzen treasures more than anything. he loves him even now, even when he's not sure how much that counts for against everything else.
the miserable sound worries him, along with the shoulders hunching. buzen's hand comes up to matsui's shoulder blades, trying to smooth them back out as he just holds him closer. he wonders if letting go would be better, if matsui needs space, but he doesn't know how. he's not sure how to ease up, but he's not sure if clinging on is helping either.]
... I'm sorry, Matsu. I don't know how to make it better.
[Ultimately, Matsui is weak to Buzen above everything and anything else in this world. His own guilt and misery weigh him down, but he still craves the soothing safety of his arms, even when he doesn't feel deserving.
He's pulled closer, and even though he's still fraught with tension, he doesn't even try to put any distance between them. After a few hesitating, halting seconds, his arms - still with a faint tremor - fold up and behind Buzen's back, returning the embrace that he'd let slip in his shock. It's a closeness he doesn't deserve, but he's always far too selfish whenever it comes to Buzen. Why stop here?]
...Please, don't say that you're sorry. You were never meant to see such a thing.
[Between the two of them, Matsui is the one who should be apologizing, even if it would still feel like far too little.
His expression contorts a little when Buzen speaks again, though. Residual fear, y'know, of Buzen already being gone twice.]
[part of that is the issue. part of it is because - ] You never planned on telling me, huh...
[ . . . which is frustrating, in the same moment that it's painful. buzen will accept the hold back from matsui, and his grip doesn't loose in the slightest. he buries his face in his shoulder for a moment, just to inhale and exhale as he tries to find the words for it but.]
... I told you that if it ever gets too heavy to bear, I'm going to be right here. But... I'm worried, Matsu.
The more that you take on your own, and - don't let me in.
[but matsui has said that he'd try, and lately - he has been, buzen thinks. in the little, small ways, that is just trying to admit small things and give himself grace. for the past week buzen has been exceedingly careful and doting with him, avoiding all difficult things but. seeing this again, and how quickly matsu will still choose to abandon life as soon as buzen is gone - ]
... You can share these things with me, you know. Just so that you don't have to carry it by yourself.
[Silence, because he doesn't have it in him to confirm it aloud, to say "yes, I was never going to tell you" to Buzen's face, even if it's plain as day. He's already such a weight, even with the things he tries to keep close to himself. It already hurts too badly, and opening up just peels that thin skin apart.]
...I'm sorry, Buzen.
[He wants to, he wants to let Buzen in, and he said he'd try, and he's make his tiny steps forward, but it does feel a bit like trying to climb up a gutter pipe and being washed back down by the season's first rain.
Softly:] It's-- difficult. You already give me too much, and I am a heavy burden.
[Buzen is the one who's fast, too fast, painfully fast at times. He can't run like the free wind if he has to carry Matsui with him, and as selfish as he is, he can only allow himself so much indulgence before it starts to become so painful that the misery outweighs the gain. He can't do that to Buzen.]
[softly but certainly. buzen shifts their position, careful not to put any actual distance between them, but he does press his lips against the high arch of matsui's cheek. just a little bit of gentleness and warmth against the difficulty of everything else.]
You don't burden me. I give you everything I think you deserve. I've said it before, and it'll keep being true... I'll always take whatever weight you want to give me, so long as I still get to hold you. I'll always want to be with you.
[always, always, always. like he doesn't know how to exist without it - he probably doesn't. he lets his nose brush against matsui's cheek, speaking into the small space between them]
Even if I worry, even if we trip up sometimes... none of it will ever get me to love you less.
[That's part of why it hurts. Buzen doesn't understand how radiant he is - how very like the sun, except for the glimpses he's seen through Matsui's eyes. He's dazzling in his warmth and love, his arms always open, and Matsui always taking such eager advantage. Even now, he can't bear to pull himself away. He keeps his arms where they are, doesn't lean back when Buzen leans forward, inhales something deep and shaking.]
...I know that, too. [And he's grateful for it and terrified by it in equal measure. Buzen's heart, like the rest of him, is warm and brilliant and lovely. A place that he knows will always have space even for something like him.
Matsui just wishes he was easier to love.]
But now I've hurt you twice, with this alone.
[First coming back and fuckin not believing Buzen was real and now inflicting the ENTIRE WEIGHT OF HIS INSANE LOVE on Buzen, in all its ugly fury and despair. Love and pain are inextricably intertwined, but he can't help saying--]
I don't want to hurt you.
[He never wants to hurt anyone, but Buzen, Buzen above all else-- He could never hurt Buzen, and yet, lately, it seems like he's been doing a lot of that.]
... I've hurt you too. [said with a little sigh, because he feels like he has to give the reminder if this is a matter of counting their strikes against each other.] I've left you behind, even if I never wanted to. But I gave someone the chance, even when I knew I was risking you.
I've raised my voice at you—and more than ever, I haven't been around when you needed me most.
[those are buzen's sins to carry. even if he doesn't talk about them or let them consume him with the same intensity as matsui, because buzen is the type to push every feeling aside when he sees someone suffering more than he does... he can see his mistakes for what they are.]
But you've healed me, way more than any time you've hurt me, Matsu. [and this is where buzen lets his affection spill over, kissing matsui's cheeks between each phrase like it'll help mend him] When you've held me when moments are tough, or tried to reassure me even when everyone else couldn't tell I was bothered.
When you get mad for me, because you care about me more than I care about myself. Or when you say you want to be with me, too.
We've lived a long time - I'd like for us to live longer. We'll get hurt, by the world, and by each other. But as long as we get the good times too, I don't mind.
[Truly this is a dose of his own stupid medicine, because hearing Buzen take the strike for things out of his control and things that Matsui hardly minds riles him, and he knows it's hypocritical. That's why he bites his tongue, bowing his head, grip tightening a little on reflex as if to voice his displeasure. He's been hurt before, certainly, but he would never, ever blame Buzen.
He isn't sure if he can believe that he's done any good by way of healing, either, but... Something about the rest of this-- It's such perfectly flawed human sentiment that it makes his own human heart ache, his eyes stinging as tears spring to them even as Buzen kisses his face. They don't spill - just glass the surface, and he blinks.]
...I wish that it didn't have to be this way.
[But they'd already discussed it before, and Matsui - hypocritically wishing Buzen could feel only the joys of love and none of the sorrows - would still never strip him of its pains or its weights, if he wanted to feel them. Pain and love, together.]
I love you, Buzen. [He's apologetic and mournful, but he's so very full of love.] I'm sorry if it hurts.
Stop that. [he says it fairly quickly after the apology, and just presses his mouths against matsui's then, fast but firm.] It's not your fault. I don't want to hear you say that you're sorry that you love me at all, or else I'll get a complex. If I could ask for anything at all... it's that I want you to love me without regretting it.
[to know that even if pain and hurt are a part of it, that it'll never be something that he wants to take back. because that's how buzen loves matsui, too. there's an underlying sense of fear, of dread of when it might be over, and yet he knows that he'd never choose anything differently.
even if this love might be doomed, he'll still choose it over any other.]
[This answer, at least, comes without any hesitation.]
Yes.
[Even if he's sorry that his love is a painful and heavy thing and he feels selfish for inflicting it on Buzen, his own love for Buzen is something he would never, could never regret. He releases his hold, but only so his hands can come to rest with a gentle care on either side of Buzen's face, where they rest like he's once more holding the most precious treasure in the world.
His expression - he's always had difficulty conveying his feelings through it, and even now, it can't convey the depth of his heart. But there's something bright-burning and intense in his eyes as he looks into Buzen's, sincere and fervent.]
There is nothing that would ever make me feel regret for loving you. Not in this world or life. Not in any other. I will always love you fully, with every piece of me.
[However ugly they are, however many pieces he becomes, however unfortunate it ultimately may be.]
buzen's expression softens then, appreciative of how quickly the answer came even despite everything else they struggle with. he sinks further into matsui's hold, eyes fluttering shut as he enjoys the certainty of his love, even when buzen's very own existence is such a tenuous thing. he sighs before moving to close the distance between them, letting his mouth find matsui's before nestling in close]
... I'll try to deserve that. I'll try to make sure that loving me is something worthwhile. So... thanks, Matsu.
[because buzen also knows that loving him is difficult in its own way]
You’re a traveler, and to these people, that’s all you’ll ever be. You speak with this man who doesn’t need to introduce himself - you know exactly who he is. Ota Dokan, the architect of Edo Castle, which withstood the tests of time and war to remain strong and steadfast into this modern day. You talk to him about all the beautiful things this world has to offer, and feel your heart warm knowing this person exists. He doesn’t ask your name, not that you would give it anyway.
(Not that it would matter. The Buzen Gou is already lost to history.)
You watch him join the men in building his creation, and promise them a grand feast at the end of their labor. It makes laughter spill from your lips before you can even stop it, and when Ame comes to get you, it almost feels too short. You say your farewells, and tuck this serendipitous little meeting into your heart. You hope that you don’t meet again.
Your friend is brought to his knees in a fight—and is just barely saved. Monstrous creatures come to his rescue and set him free. As the fighting dies down, it quickly becomes obvious to you as you step on the scene. On this day, Ota Dokan could survive. He could walk out of this battleground, and build so many more grand sights. He could help so many more people. He could enjoy life.
Your blade ends that dream abruptly. You cannot allow that to happen.
Ame—beloved, darling Ame who you treasure so dearly—tries to take on this responsibility from you. But Ame is different from you. Ame has never raised his blade against the very same humans that you’re sworn to protect. So you laugh it off, you tell him not to think about it, even though your inconvenient heart is beating painfully in your chest. Even though you understand a little bit more, why Tsuru-san said ‘you can’t complete missions like this unless you hate yourself’. Maybe you’re starting to learn to hate yourself. No, you can’t let him feel this. You can’t let any of the others feel this, for as long as you’re able.
You should be the only twisted blade that knows what it’s like to cut down the very same people you adore. You should be the only liar. ]
[Matsui doesn't often pry into the people around him, no matter how great his care or love. Cagey by nature, his natural inclination is to let people keep things to themselves, too - so he doesn't tend to ask about things like this. About missions. About what causes the shadows in the faces of swords who return from battle in other eras.
Maybe that's a mistake.
For the second time, he's realizing how much Buzen takes upon himself - not just for his sake, but for all of them. For Kotegiri, for Kuwana, for Murakumo, for Samidare. They're all swords. They all cut, they all bleed, they all bear burdens of varying shapes and sizes. But Buzen is always there, arms open. Buzen is always there, offering to share more. Taking the weight entirely, if he can - like he did here, with Samidare, who tried to claim the same first, still somehow too little too late.
The strike startles him in its surety and swiftness. It hurts, stirs up some deep and conflicted emotion. To smile so warmly at someone and take their life in the next moment... To kill someone after having such a human conversation with them, all for the sake of duty. He would never be able to. He could never possess that strength. Over and over again, he had failed to draw blood when it mattered, and yet, Buzen is shouldering that very weight.
In the wake of the images and sensations, poem lingering like the last vestige of rain, he eases his grip somewhat. It had tightened likely to the point of being painful while in the center of those memories.
He looks toward Buzen's face, eyes wide, quiet, trying to find his words.]
well, if there's something that buzen wanted to keep close to the chest - it's probably all that. he's open about a lot of things, sure, but he refrains from admitting so readily that he's someone who has killed friends. who will kill more friends in the future, if he has to. who still makes friends, even with the awareness that none of it is meant to last.
that it might be used against those very same people he wants to protect.
so he's surprised when matsui grips that tightly, and when he comes back to him then.... he just smiles sheepishly.]
... you might not believe me, but I'm really okay. [if matsui is worried about him? or - ]
Unless you're mad at me [for lying, for being so two-faced, for stabbing a human without an inch of hesitation] in which case... that makes sense too.
[The mere suggestion of his anger over this is what has Matsui feeling a flash of it - though not directed at Buzen. Never at Buzen. His hands do let go entirely, though, his expression one of apology before his fingers gently light on the same spot.]
I'm not angry.
[It's an act of deceptive brutality, in some lights. To some, it may seem two-faced. The lack of hesitation might seem like a horrific, monstrous thing. But even without feeling Buzen's emotions, he knows his heart - likes to think he knows it pretty well, in fact. He can see this as nothing other than Buzen taking on weight that he doesn't want others to carry.
Having to cut humans down is difficult. So difficult that it almost broke him, twice. Buzen had wanted to keep Ame from carrying these ugly burdens, even if it's an inevitability, some distant or near eventuality. There's a furrow at his brow, much more complex thoughts and feelings spin below the surface.]
...How can you be okay?
[Not accusatory. Weighted with anxiety and concern.]
now isn't the time for buzen to bring up that he thinks it's why he admires tsurumaru - to be able to laugh so brightly and guide so certainly, even though the other man must be at risk of falling off the edge at any moment. buzen had said that there are things that people need to face in order to reconcile their hearts, but maybe the easiest way would simply be for buzen to take on more of the burdens so the people around him have less to untangle. so when matsui asks, buzen hums faintly, a little lost note. he shrugs.]
... because I have to be, I guess.
[he can admit that he doesn't think too hard about it - not until he's alone, and can wrestle with his own sins. when matsui is in front of him, when ame is in front of him... it's easier to push aside.]
[There's something in his expression that seems briefly haunted when he hears that answer. Distant, like he's thinking back to another time or place.
It does nothing to ease his concerns and anxieties, but honestly, most answers probably wouldn't, so this is about as fair as any. His eyes close, just for a moment. He doesn't want to look at Buzen when he can't keep the weight and melancholy out of them, but he looks anyway.]
You wouldn't let him carry it.
[Ame. The burden of the so-called dirty work. Matsui doesn't want this burden falling on Samidare, either, so there's nothing accusatory in his tone. He just sounds tired in that sorrowful way he almost always is.]
[matsui won't look at him, but buzen watches his expression carefully. like he's trying to get an idea of how much this weight of understanding buzen further must be affecting him, how his opinion might be shifting. he brings a hand up just to run it through matsui's hair, to tuck some behind his ear]
I wouldn't. It was too soon after he was summoned. [he says, like that makes a difference]
... and wouldn't that be too sad? For one poet to have to kill another. I didn't want Ame to have to feel any of that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Have you seen that horrible pig yet? It-- [IS RUNNING BY HIS ANKLES AS HE SPEAKS AAAAAAAA
Well. Buzen gets treated to a fun little memory for being such a good boyfriend. i really wrote so much just to punch you but listen]
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everything he'd said before rings in his ears like a mockery: Why did I hurt you?! Why would I ever....?!
but buzen would never hurt matsui. that wasn't the question. matsui would hurt matsui though, as soon as buzen become too far to reach.
the weight of it all hits him like a freight train and he bows his head to rest it on matsui's shoulder to obscure his expression, knowing full well that he doesn't know what his face looks like right now. knowing that he's so upset that he has no hope of putting himself back together.]
... so that's what I missed.
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More than that, though - he's full of guilt. Crushing, agonizing guilt and shame, because the last thing he wants, the last thing he ever wants, is to hurt Buzen. But he had done so much so terribly, in his desperation. He had done unforgivable things - things that he would never forgive himself for, even if others did. Killing Buzen. Using Buzen to end his own life. Being unable to scrape together his pieces fast enough to fully care for those precious human lives that had blinked out in front of him, one by one. Failing as a person, as a sword. Failing to even die.
From within the tight grip of Buzen's arms, he starts to tremble.]
...I... I'm...
[Wow he fuckin hates it here NO PEACE EVEN IN DEATH.]
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about a dozen questions have been answered for buzen, and now that means that his curiosity can now go die in the face of the fact that matsui needs him. when he starts to tremble, buzen just squeezes him tighter - as if that'll help keep him together - before letting go and curling around him entirely as if he's trying to shield him away from the rest of the world. his hand goes to find matsui's, and lifts it again until it rests over buzen's heartbeat. how many times will he have to prove this all over again? it's frustrating, and yet buzen also knows that he will fulfill what's expected of him every time.
because it doesn't change anything for him. even if it hurts, even if it's painful to know for certain what happened now, nothing has been changed for him.]
You're right here, Matsu. I've got you. No one's broken.
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His body refuses to still, jittering with an anxious and tightly-wound energy. He can't relax even into the perfect warmth of the harbor that Buzen provides.]
...Buzen-- I...
[He had asked for Buzen to not forgive him, and had been cruel enough to refuse to give him a reason for it. The reason is obvious, now.]
...I'm-- ...I'm sorry, I... I didn't--
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... you still don't want me to say it?
[he doesn't want to hear that buzen forgives him?]
Because even if it's a—it's a difficult thing, Matsu. I wish you never had to choose. [between continuing on without him, or just giving up there on the spot] And I wish that you would've chosen the path forward, I'll always want you to choose the path forward.
... but what you did - I don't hold it against you.
I'm not mad. I don't love you any less.
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His body, already tense, seems to become even more tightly wound when Buzen asks his first question. He can't get the words out - he can only nod. He still doesn't want it. He doesn't want the mercy of absolution, even though he knew Buzen would give it to him. That's why he hadn't said anything to begin with.
The rest of what Buzen says - they're words that are just so perfectly suited to him, and each one hits like a punch. He makes a miserable little sound, shoulders hunching. He's always making Buzen say things like this.]
...I know.
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buzen loves matsui when he's falling apart. he loves him in those rare moments where he's holding it together enough to smile, to sass, to have those pockets of playfulness that buzen treasures more than anything. he loves him even now, even when he's not sure how much that counts for against everything else.
the miserable sound worries him, along with the shoulders hunching. buzen's hand comes up to matsui's shoulder blades, trying to smooth them back out as he just holds him closer. he wonders if letting go would be better, if matsui needs space, but he doesn't know how. he's not sure how to ease up, but he's not sure if clinging on is helping either.]
... I'm sorry, Matsu. I don't know how to make it better.
But I'm not going anywhere.
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He's pulled closer, and even though he's still fraught with tension, he doesn't even try to put any distance between them. After a few hesitating, halting seconds, his arms - still with a faint tremor - fold up and behind Buzen's back, returning the embrace that he'd let slip in his shock. It's a closeness he doesn't deserve, but he's always far too selfish whenever it comes to Buzen. Why stop here?]
...Please, don't say that you're sorry. You were never meant to see such a thing.
[Between the two of them, Matsui is the one who should be apologizing, even if it would still feel like far too little.
His expression contorts a little when Buzen speaks again, though. Residual fear, y'know, of Buzen already being gone twice.]
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[ . . . which is frustrating, in the same moment that it's painful. buzen will accept the hold back from matsui, and his grip doesn't loose in the slightest. he buries his face in his shoulder for a moment, just to inhale and exhale as he tries to find the words for it but.]
... I told you that if it ever gets too heavy to bear, I'm going to be right here. But... I'm worried, Matsu.
The more that you take on your own, and - don't let me in.
[but matsui has said that he'd try, and lately - he has been, buzen thinks. in the little, small ways, that is just trying to admit small things and give himself grace. for the past week buzen has been exceedingly careful and doting with him, avoiding all difficult things but. seeing this again, and how quickly matsu will still choose to abandon life as soon as buzen is gone - ]
... You can share these things with me, you know. Just so that you don't have to carry it by yourself.
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...I'm sorry, Buzen.
[He wants to, he wants to let Buzen in, and he said he'd try, and he's make his tiny steps forward, but it does feel a bit like trying to climb up a gutter pipe and being washed back down by the season's first rain.
Softly:] It's-- difficult. You already give me too much, and I am a heavy burden.
[Buzen is the one who's fast, too fast, painfully fast at times. He can't run like the free wind if he has to carry Matsui with him, and as selfish as he is, he can only allow himself so much indulgence before it starts to become so painful that the misery outweighs the gain. He can't do that to Buzen.]
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[softly but certainly. buzen shifts their position, careful not to put any actual distance between them, but he does press his lips against the high arch of matsui's cheek. just a little bit of gentleness and warmth against the difficulty of everything else.]
You don't burden me. I give you everything I think you deserve. I've said it before, and it'll keep being true... I'll always take whatever weight you want to give me, so long as I still get to hold you. I'll always want to be with you.
[always, always, always. like he doesn't know how to exist without it - he probably doesn't. he lets his nose brush against matsui's cheek, speaking into the small space between them]
Even if I worry, even if we trip up sometimes... none of it will ever get me to love you less.
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...I know that, too. [And he's grateful for it and terrified by it in equal measure. Buzen's heart, like the rest of him, is warm and brilliant and lovely. A place that he knows will always have space even for something like him.
Matsui just wishes he was easier to love.]
But now I've hurt you twice, with this alone.
[First coming back and fuckin not believing Buzen was real and now inflicting the ENTIRE WEIGHT OF HIS INSANE LOVE on Buzen, in all its ugly fury and despair. Love and pain are inextricably intertwined, but he can't help saying--]
I don't want to hurt you.
[He never wants to hurt anyone, but Buzen, Buzen above all else-- He could never hurt Buzen, and yet, lately, it seems like he's been doing a lot of that.]
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I've raised my voice at you—and more than ever, I haven't been around when you needed me most.
[those are buzen's sins to carry. even if he doesn't talk about them or let them consume him with the same intensity as matsui, because buzen is the type to push every feeling aside when he sees someone suffering more than he does... he can see his mistakes for what they are.]
But you've healed me, way more than any time you've hurt me, Matsu. [and this is where buzen lets his affection spill over, kissing matsui's cheeks between each phrase like it'll help mend him] When you've held me when moments are tough, or tried to reassure me even when everyone else couldn't tell I was bothered.
When you get mad for me, because you care about me more than I care about myself. Or when you say you want to be with me, too.
We've lived a long time - I'd like for us to live longer. We'll get hurt, by the world, and by each other. But as long as we get the good times too, I don't mind.
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He isn't sure if he can believe that he's done any good by way of healing, either, but... Something about the rest of this-- It's such perfectly flawed human sentiment that it makes his own human heart ache, his eyes stinging as tears spring to them even as Buzen kisses his face. They don't spill - just glass the surface, and he blinks.]
...I wish that it didn't have to be this way.
[But they'd already discussed it before, and Matsui - hypocritically wishing Buzen could feel only the joys of love and none of the sorrows - would still never strip him of its pains or its weights, if he wanted to feel them. Pain and love, together.]
I love you, Buzen. [He's apologetic and mournful, but he's so very full of love.] I'm sorry if it hurts.
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[to know that even if pain and hurt are a part of it, that it'll never be something that he wants to take back. because that's how buzen loves matsui, too. there's an underlying sense of fear, of dread of when it might be over, and yet he knows that he'd never choose anything differently.
even if this love might be doomed, he'll still choose it over any other.]
Can you give me that?
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Yes.
[Even if he's sorry that his love is a painful and heavy thing and he feels selfish for inflicting it on Buzen, his own love for Buzen is something he would never, could never regret. He releases his hold, but only so his hands can come to rest with a gentle care on either side of Buzen's face, where they rest like he's once more holding the most precious treasure in the world.
His expression - he's always had difficulty conveying his feelings through it, and even now, it can't convey the depth of his heart. But there's something bright-burning and intense in his eyes as he looks into Buzen's, sincere and fervent.]
There is nothing that would ever make me feel regret for loving you. Not in this world or life. Not in any other. I will always love you fully, with every piece of me.
[However ugly they are, however many pieces he becomes, however unfortunate it ultimately may be.]
[1/2]
buzen's expression softens then, appreciative of how quickly the answer came even despite everything else they struggle with. he sinks further into matsui's hold, eyes fluttering shut as he enjoys the certainty of his love, even when buzen's very own existence is such a tenuous thing. he sighs before moving to close the distance between them, letting his mouth find matsui's before nestling in close]
... I'll try to deserve that. I'll try to make sure that loving me is something worthwhile. So... thanks, Matsu.
[because buzen also knows that loving him is difficult in its own way]
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Maybe that's a mistake.
For the second time, he's realizing how much Buzen takes upon himself - not just for his sake, but for all of them. For Kotegiri, for Kuwana, for Murakumo, for Samidare. They're all swords. They all cut, they all bleed, they all bear burdens of varying shapes and sizes. But Buzen is always there, arms open. Buzen is always there, offering to share more. Taking the weight entirely, if he can - like he did here, with Samidare, who tried to claim the same first, still somehow too little too late.
The strike startles him in its surety and swiftness. It hurts, stirs up some deep and conflicted emotion. To smile so warmly at someone and take their life in the next moment... To kill someone after having such a human conversation with them, all for the sake of duty. He would never be able to. He could never possess that strength. Over and over again, he had failed to draw blood when it mattered, and yet, Buzen is shouldering that very weight.
In the wake of the images and sensations, poem lingering like the last vestige of rain, he eases his grip somewhat. It had tightened likely to the point of being painful while in the center of those memories.
He looks toward Buzen's face, eyes wide, quiet, trying to find his words.]
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well, if there's something that buzen wanted to keep close to the chest - it's probably all that. he's open about a lot of things, sure, but he refrains from admitting so readily that he's someone who has killed friends. who will kill more friends in the future, if he has to. who still makes friends, even with the awareness that none of it is meant to last.
that it might be used against those very same people he wants to protect.
so he's surprised when matsui grips that tightly, and when he comes back to him then.... he just smiles sheepishly.]
... you might not believe me, but I'm really okay. [if matsui is worried about him? or - ]
Unless you're mad at me [for lying, for being so two-faced, for stabbing a human without an inch of hesitation] in which case... that makes sense too.
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I'm not angry.
[It's an act of deceptive brutality, in some lights. To some, it may seem two-faced. The lack of hesitation might seem like a horrific, monstrous thing. But even without feeling Buzen's emotions, he knows his heart - likes to think he knows it pretty well, in fact. He can see this as nothing other than Buzen taking on weight that he doesn't want others to carry.
Having to cut humans down is difficult. So difficult that it almost broke him, twice. Buzen had wanted to keep Ame from carrying these ugly burdens, even if it's an inevitability, some distant or near eventuality. There's a furrow at his brow, much more complex thoughts and feelings spin below the surface.]
...How can you be okay?
[Not accusatory. Weighted with anxiety and concern.]
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now isn't the time for buzen to bring up that he thinks it's why he admires tsurumaru - to be able to laugh so brightly and guide so certainly, even though the other man must be at risk of falling off the edge at any moment. buzen had said that there are things that people need to face in order to reconcile their hearts, but maybe the easiest way would simply be for buzen to take on more of the burdens so the people around him have less to untangle. so when matsui asks, buzen hums faintly, a little lost note. he shrugs.]
... because I have to be, I guess.
[he can admit that he doesn't think too hard about it - not until he's alone, and can wrestle with his own sins. when matsui is in front of him, when ame is in front of him... it's easier to push aside.]
It's better this way.
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It does nothing to ease his concerns and anxieties, but honestly, most answers probably wouldn't, so this is about as fair as any. His eyes close, just for a moment. He doesn't want to look at Buzen when he can't keep the weight and melancholy out of them, but he looks anyway.]
You wouldn't let him carry it.
[Ame. The burden of the so-called dirty work. Matsui doesn't want this burden falling on Samidare, either, so there's nothing accusatory in his tone. He just sounds tired in that sorrowful way he almost always is.]
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I wouldn't. It was too soon after he was summoned. [he says, like that makes a difference]
... and wouldn't that be too sad? For one poet to have to kill another. I didn't want Ame to have to feel any of that.
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