[HELP. Well there's no pause, he's immediately shifting himself so he can lean up, palm of one hand on the bench, and the arm that had been around Buzen's waist moving so he can touch the side of his face. He kisses Buzen in the soft and gentle way that he does when his heart is feeling especially tender and sore.]
[sweet matsu.... buzen will just automatically try to pretzel himself so that he can meet him, his hand coming to rest between matsui's shoulderblades so that he gets some extra support as he leans up.
buzen kisses him back just as gently, sweet and sincere. even when he pulls away, he kisses both of matsui's cheeks]
[THEIR STUPID BENCH PRETZEL. He doesn't let Buzen support too much of his weight, but enjoys the point of contact regardless.]
Kiss me again.
[TERRIBLE AND GREEDY he doesn't even wait, he gives Buzen another kiss first. After that, though, he's just looking at Buzen in a contemplative sort of way. The air of melancholy is present as always, and after a moment, his brow furrows faintly. There's guilt, then, but...]
...I'm grateful to be able to hold you like this. To be able to stay with you.
[Like their team lost yeah and also their world might still be at risk and if he thinks about it for too long he'll be crushed to atoms, HOWEVER...]
[GREEDYYYYYY - but buzen is nothing if not accommodating, leaning down to do exactly that. he'll give matsui that second kiss, and then when his brow furrows, move to kiss the space between them. stop.]
... then keep holding onto me, and keep staying with me.
If that's what I can give you, then I'll give it to you a hundred or thousand times over.
[this was going to go in brackets but then i realized buzen would just say it out loud, he has no problem being sincere and genuine and loving with matsui at all hours]
[HE'S SO GREEDY THERE'S NO GOING BACK NOW... HE'S NEVER GOING TO RECOVER FROM THIIIS. BUZEN IS TOO SINCERE AND LOVING AND GENUINE AND PERFECT AND WONDERFUL he's punched in the heart every single time, damn.]
I will.
[See: him refusing to fall back into Buzen's lap just yet as he holds onto him in a very literal way, kissing him for a third time despite only asking for one extra kissy.]
...It's difficult. That others must go through these things. [Shenhe watching Nahri flip, Rin having to deal with Haru killing on the heels of the rest of his team also killing. Yikes!] But being here, being able to help them alongside you... It feels less hopeless.
[Still kinda hopeless but like, he's a depression bog, everything always feels at least a little hopeless.]
[matsui why did you ask for the pillow if you're not even going to use it as a pillow.... truly buzen will keep trying to support him so that it's easy for him even as he gets yet another kiss.]
... I also wish they didn't. Even if there's no way to go through life without being hurt, so much of this feels preventable. It's frustrating.
[ . . . ]
But I know that they feel glad they can call you a friend, Matsu. And I'm glad to be here for them too, along with you.
[Preventable, that is. But no one knows what they'll be up against in full until they're already there or it's already done.
He looks vaguely discomforted at the reminder that people think of him as a friend (scary), but it's a there-and-gone sort of thing. Instead of voicing that, he just voices another drifting thought:]
...Caring for them is harder than I thought it would be.
[His expression twists a little, in the way it sometimes does when he's having trouble figuring out how to put his thoughts or feelings into words.
He also just moves to shift again so he's fuckin sitting in Buzen's lap instead of having to twist himself like a pretzel trying to look at him.]
...We can't protect people from themselves.
[Which is one thing to learn and know intimately as a blade, and another to learn and know intimately as a freshly-born human in a mission that involves war. It's another thing still to learn it like this, as someone who isn't serving under the guise of a mission. Just a person, a friend, trying to help.]
[back to lap sitting... buzen will just comfortably let both of his arms rest around matsui again, always staying cozy even if the topics of their conversation are truly the worst.]
... we can't.
[softly, a little sadly]
In the end, that's part of being able to make choices, right? [a beat] There's no choice that can be made that everyone will agree with.
[It always comes back to lap sitting... He also settles in comfortably, even though this is a depressing and upsetting topic.]
Life is already such a difficult thing...
[He's under no illusion that it's better not to have the ability to make choices at all, given his specific history and the general understanding that they all inherently possess as swords. Still... Once again he comes to the same conclusion which is that life is painful and awful and horrible (almost) always.]
They need such different things, as well. That's hard to decipher, at times.
[He's steeling himself for trying to approach both Shenhe and Rin which he knows will need vastly different approach methods but is also like HOW.]
Life is difficult... but sometimes it's easy. I think it comes in waves more often than not.
[when they get to laugh, dance, and sing during the week, and then contend with all the heartache of the weekend. buzen presses another kiss to matsui's temple, like trying to help recapture that feeling of sweetness]
Mm... why not just be you, instead of trying to be what you think they need?
[It's so easy to get lost in the heartache of the moment that those memories feel so far away and inaccessible to him, but... They do exist. He has to remember to look back, but when he does, he can see them.
There's another little discomforted pause at that, though. He accepts this cute temple kiss even though his gaze averts a second later as he considers his words.]
I am not a comforting thing to be around, Buzen...
[ . . . he just can't help but laugh a little, softly amused and so terribly fond.]
Matsu... I say this as someone who loves you more than anyone else...
[and he'll add a little kiss to his cheek, as if to really emphasize the point]
But why would people talk to you normally when you're one way... and then in tough moments, want you to act different? Especially when you're not very good at pretending unless we have a script?
[HE'S SO HONEST AND EVEN DURING THE PLAY THEY HAD TO CHANGE LINES BECAUSE MATSU'S A LITTLE BLOODFREAK]
I think you're making it harder than it has to be.
[HELPPP HE REALLY IS SO BAD AT PRETENDING. HE'S SO BAD!!!! He is too honest, it does him a disservice in moments like now, when he doesn't think that being Matsui is enough.
HE JUST TUCKS HIS FACE INTO THE CROOK OF BUZEN'S NECK don't look at him. In a mumble:]
I don't want to pretend... I just want to give something better.
[He is making it harder than it has to be but he truly makes everything so difficult for literally no reason.]
You're already the best, so that seems a little tough.
[he's truly soooo loving and doting. matsui hides away from buzen by using buzen and he just laughs about it, even as he gives him a comforting little squeeze....]
... and even if you don't believe me, I think that as long as you try to reach out to them, that's enough.
We've talked about it before, haven't we? Even if words are hard... I think your sentiments will reach them.
[HE DOES USE BUZEN TO HIDE FROM BUZEN. This is too much... Buzen is too good to him. He just makes a little sound when Buzen calls him the best. First of all, that is just untrue entirely because he is a bee nightmare. Secondly, it can't be true because Buzen is the best??
But that aside:] ...I will try. I don't know that I'll be able to reach them, but I don't wish to leave things as they are.
[Even if he knows everyone else will check on their most tenuous dead blob members, he wants to help, too.]
.... I'm sure they'll appreciate it, Matsu. They know how much you try, and how much you care.
[that's something that even buzen can see. even if matsui is a little off sometimes, his soft heart really does shine through so well. buzen presses a kiss to his temple]
[A LITTLE OFF SOMETIMES, AS MATSUI COMES SWOOPING IN WITH BLOOD FACTS AND TALKING ABOUT THE INESCAPABLE MISERY OF BEING ALIVE.
Honestly, he sometimes wishes he could be a little warmer in the way that Buzen is, but Buzen already does such a perfect job at being like the sun that he also knows the extra warmth isn't needed. He ducks his head like he's trying to hide further, except he's still clinging like a stupid little barnacle.
This is funny because he said a similar thing to someone else before this but because of timelines it'll happen after. Buzen giving him good words to say before he even knows it...]
Anyway as Matsui is enjoying soaking up all of the attention Buzen is giving him like a little sponge, he's also thinking very uncharitably that there are some people he would still not want to care for even if he's not okay with leaving anyone behind, and then immediately feeling guilty about it. He's truly such a wreck.]
You always seem to know what words to say, Buzen...
[oh - that makes him laugh a little bit, leaning back just enough so that he can look at matsui's face as if to check whether he meant it as a joke or not.]
[MATSUUUUU but buzen can't like. dislodge him or anything so matsu gets to win and hide for a bit longer...]
If I do, I'm glad... but there's a lot of times I don't know what to say either. Like... should I argue with them when I think they're wrong? Or should I let the emotions play out first? I dunno...
But I just gotta hope trying my best is enough. Sometimes it isn't. I feel grateful when it is.
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buzen just smiles down at him at that, amused enough for his genuine humor to peek through]
Lean up please?
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buzen kisses him back just as gently, sweet and sincere. even when he pulls away, he kisses both of matsui's cheeks]
... what can I do for you, besides stay here?
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Kiss me again.
[TERRIBLE AND GREEDY he doesn't even wait, he gives Buzen another kiss first. After that, though, he's just looking at Buzen in a contemplative sort of way. The air of melancholy is present as always, and after a moment, his brow furrows faintly. There's guilt, then, but...]
...I'm grateful to be able to hold you like this. To be able to stay with you.
[Like their team lost yeah and also their world might still be at risk and if he thinks about it for too long he'll be crushed to atoms, HOWEVER...]
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... then keep holding onto me, and keep staying with me.
If that's what I can give you, then I'll give it to you a hundred or thousand times over.
[this was going to go in brackets but then i realized buzen would just say it out loud, he has no problem being sincere and genuine and loving with matsui at all hours]
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I will.
[See: him refusing to fall back into Buzen's lap just yet as he holds onto him in a very literal way, kissing him for a third time despite only asking for one extra kissy.]
...It's difficult. That others must go through these things. [Shenhe watching Nahri flip, Rin having to deal with Haru killing on the heels of the rest of his team also killing. Yikes!] But being here, being able to help them alongside you... It feels less hopeless.
[Still kinda hopeless but like, he's a depression bog, everything always feels at least a little hopeless.]
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... I also wish they didn't. Even if there's no way to go through life without being hurt, so much of this feels preventable. It's frustrating.
[ . . . ]
But I know that they feel glad they can call you a friend, Matsu. And I'm glad to be here for them too, along with you.
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Many things are, in hindsight.
[Preventable, that is. But no one knows what they'll be up against in full until they're already there or it's already done.
He looks vaguely discomforted at the reminder that people think of him as a friend (scary), but it's a there-and-gone sort of thing. Instead of voicing that, he just voices another drifting thought:]
...Caring for them is harder than I thought it would be.
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.... you think?
How do you mean, Matsu?
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He also just moves to shift again so he's fuckin sitting in Buzen's lap instead of having to twist himself like a pretzel trying to look at him.]
...We can't protect people from themselves.
[Which is one thing to learn and know intimately as a blade, and another to learn and know intimately as a freshly-born human in a mission that involves war. It's another thing still to learn it like this, as someone who isn't serving under the guise of a mission. Just a person, a friend, trying to help.]
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... we can't.
[softly, a little sadly]
In the end, that's part of being able to make choices, right? [a beat] There's no choice that can be made that everyone will agree with.
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Life is already such a difficult thing...
[He's under no illusion that it's better not to have the ability to make choices at all, given his specific history and the general understanding that they all inherently possess as swords. Still... Once again he comes to the same conclusion which is that life is painful and awful and horrible (almost) always.]
They need such different things, as well. That's hard to decipher, at times.
[He's steeling himself for trying to approach both Shenhe and Rin which he knows will need vastly different approach methods but is also like HOW.]
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[when they get to laugh, dance, and sing during the week, and then contend with all the heartache of the weekend. buzen presses another kiss to matsui's temple, like trying to help recapture that feeling of sweetness]
Mm... why not just be you, instead of trying to be what you think they need?
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[It's so easy to get lost in the heartache of the moment that those memories feel so far away and inaccessible to him, but... They do exist. He has to remember to look back, but when he does, he can see them.
There's another little discomforted pause at that, though. He accepts this cute temple kiss even though his gaze averts a second later as he considers his words.]
I am not a comforting thing to be around, Buzen...
[HE'S TRYING TO HELP PEOPLE NOT MAKE THEM WORSE.]
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Matsu... I say this as someone who loves you more than anyone else...
[and he'll add a little kiss to his cheek, as if to really emphasize the point]
But why would people talk to you normally when you're one way... and then in tough moments, want you to act different? Especially when you're not very good at pretending unless we have a script?
[HE'S SO HONEST AND EVEN DURING THE PLAY THEY HAD TO CHANGE LINES BECAUSE MATSU'S A LITTLE BLOODFREAK]
I think you're making it harder than it has to be.
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HE JUST TUCKS HIS FACE INTO THE CROOK OF BUZEN'S NECK don't look at him. In a mumble:]
I don't want to pretend... I just want to give something better.
[He is making it harder than it has to be but he truly makes everything so difficult for literally no reason.]
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[he's truly soooo loving and doting. matsui hides away from buzen by using buzen and he just laughs about it, even as he gives him a comforting little squeeze....]
... and even if you don't believe me, I think that as long as you try to reach out to them, that's enough.
We've talked about it before, haven't we? Even if words are hard... I think your sentiments will reach them.
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But that aside:] ...I will try. I don't know that I'll be able to reach them, but I don't wish to leave things as they are.
[Even if he knows everyone else will check on their most tenuous dead blob members, he wants to help, too.]
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[that's something that even buzen can see. even if matsui is a little off sometimes, his soft heart really does shine through so well. buzen presses a kiss to his temple]
Things don't have to be perfect to be good.
We're all doing our best for each other.
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Honestly, he sometimes wishes he could be a little warmer in the way that Buzen is, but Buzen already does such a perfect job at being like the sun that he also knows the extra warmth isn't needed. He ducks his head like he's trying to hide further, except he's still clinging like a stupid little barnacle.
This is funny because he said a similar thing to someone else before this but because of timelines it'll happen after. Buzen giving him good words to say before he even knows it...]
...That is all we can do, in the end.
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buzen will just continue to hold him gently, rubbing his back. also stop let matsui come up with his own words and be wise and soft and sweet]
Yeah. And it's worthwhile.
After all, if we're going to keep working together, it's better if we all care about each other as we go. Less likely to leave anyone behind that way.
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Anyway as Matsui is enjoying soaking up all of the attention Buzen is giving him like a little sponge, he's also thinking very uncharitably that there are some people he would still not want to care for even if he's not okay with leaving anyone behind, and then immediately feeling guilty about it. He's truly such a wreck.]
You always seem to know what words to say, Buzen...
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You think?
I dunno... I feel like it's a lot of dumb luck.
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A person can only be lucky so many times. You have a natural aptitude.
[It's why he keeps ending up local leader...]
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[MATSUUUUU but buzen can't like. dislodge him or anything so matsu gets to win and hide for a bit longer...]
If I do, I'm glad... but there's a lot of times I don't know what to say either. Like... should I argue with them when I think they're wrong? Or should I let the emotions play out first? I dunno...
But I just gotta hope trying my best is enough. Sometimes it isn't. I feel grateful when it is.
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