[You know when you overturn a stone and shine a flashlight and all the critters hiding under there go scattering off in different directions... That's how Matsui feels sometimes when Buzen looks at him like this. Maybe it's why he prefers small, dark places, where he can't be seen as easily or as clearly.
He's too selfish to ever really run, though, in the same way that he's too selfish to say that if he's going to die, he doesn't want either of these things. He already burdens Buzen with too much.]
It would be unkind to keep them waiting for that long... [BINCH...... THEIR KOTEGIRI!!!! THE FURRIES (they have each other and they'll be fine) THE FURRIES!! Also fucking Kuwana he guesses.]
...What is it that you wish for? Remove me from the equation. I want to know. You would return, wouldn't you?
[Because, as usual, he'll defer to Buzen. The ideal that he wants for himself isn't even available, after all.]
[finally, there's a frustrated little furrow of buzen's brow - but he just sighs it out a second later. he shakes his head.]
That's where I think you're not getting it, Matsu... If it's about what I want, I can't remove you from the equation. That just breaks the whole question. It's not about staying or returning, or being with them versus being with you.
It's all of us, together. I can be a little more patient 'cause we're still waiting for Ina and Tomo anyway, but... even if it's impossible, and if I were to want impossible things, it'd be all us Gous together.
[but buzen doesn't know if that's possible. he doesn't know if that timeline exists. maybe it doesn't. maybe that's his ridiculous dream - but he's honest with himself enough to say that if there's anything in this world that he could ask for, it'd be that.
every gou he loves, together. chaotic, bickering, but together.]
I want us to be with them - but I'm also okay waiting with you until you're ready, because I know what I don't want is to ever leave you alone again.
[Sometimes he looks at Buzen like he has an ocean of things balanced on the tip of his tongue and he's a second away from letting it all spill, but he never does. This is one of those moments, where his silence is heavy and pointed, weighted further still by the potential reality they're facing.
Buzen already does too much for him, really. He's too kind. But that's just who he is, and it's just one of the many facets that make him up. Matsui loves each one, and would never change any of them.]
That's enough, then.
[That's all he needs to know, he means. He doesn't want an afterlife like this, with more of the same. If he's going to die, he wants his death alone to be enough of an atonement that he can let go of the albatross of life in its entirety, and not continue existing in this strange limbo.
So if Buzen's carrying a dream like that, then it can become his dream, too. A temporary dream, until he's finally done enough to settle the score.]
I won't make you wait, and I won't make them wait. If your dream is for all of us to be together someday, then I'll carry it with you.
[buzen isn't one for complicated emotions. he feels everything straightforwardly. and unlike other swords, he's willing to look at each feeling directly.
this one hurts a little though.]
... is this how you feel sometimes, Matsu?
[it's a little bit of a quiet question, like buzen himself is still puzzling it out. his brow furrows for a second again before he just laughs, expression turning sheepish.]
Like even if everything feels right, and that's what I want to hear, it's a little scary to believe in.
[as if this happiness is temporary, and something that they'll still lose. he knows that this is already a good answer from matsui, because it means that buzen's dream is more likely to come true - but only now is he starting to discover he wants a little more than this. he wants matsui to choose it for matsui's sake too.
buzen hums thoughtfully for a moment before a smile finds its way to his face.]
Well, I'll still believe in it. And in you. [because he doesn't know how to do anything else - and in the end, he is the type to turn his face toward the light] So believe in me too, okay?
[The last thing he wants is for Buzen to understand any of his feelings that intimately! Because the vast majority of them are strikingly unpleasant and burdensome and things that not even he himself wants to feel, let alone inflict on someone he loves so strongly.
With a hand, he reaches up carefully and lets his fingertips rest for a moment where the furrow had been at Buzen's brow.]
I'm sorry.
[For scaring him, essentially. For making him feel like he's walking on fragile ground. For not being able to do anything better than that.
Even though Buzen is smiling now, once again he's gotta smile enough for both of them because Matsui sure isn't, this dour little dumbass. But on the plus side, he can at least say his next words with full and total confidence:]
I'll always believe in you. You don't have to ask it of me. No world exists in which I wouldn't believe in you, Buzen.
[it's enough of a balm. buzen's expression relaxes further with the little press of matsui's fingers, and he can't help the touched expression on his face at his words. it's nice - to have someone believe in him, even when he's not sure sometimes if he exists. with a little sigh, he shifts just so that he can rest their foreheads against each other]
Then... believe me when I say that everything's gonna be okay, no matter what happens.
[if they return to life - even if they don't. swords break. it happens. even if buzen wants to go back to the gous, he's also never had any illusions that their story ends with them being separated, if only for everyone else to go to their museums and for him, kumo, and ame to -
well, who knows what'll happen to them?
it'd just be nice, if they didn't have to leave sooner rather than later.]
So you don't need to say sorry to me - ever. I just want you to have fun when we're together. Even if some things are still tough, and you don't want to talk about it... I want the happy moments to count for something too.
[It's difficult for Matsui to ever really enjoy anything in the fully present, full-bodied way that Buzen - or even most of the other Gous - can. But it feels like such a small ask in the face of everything. How can he do anything but say yes?
His eyes close, and he lets himself just feel Buzen's presence. The forehead against his own and the hand that he reaches for are both undoubtedly solid and warm, regardless of their state of being. And setting aside what may await them in the future... They're here together now, aren't they? It's not ideal. Buzen would rather be together with all of them, including their missing members. Matsui is constantly torn between wanting to spend just a little more time with them and wanting to die.
He guesses it makes little difference currently, though.]
...I believe you.
[Does he? Can he? He can at least say as much. He doesn't want to think on it too hard, or anxiety will start to eat away at him again and he won't be able to keep himself together.]
Please know, too, that I cherish every moment I have with you... When we're having fun, or when things are tough. The happy and the sad. The moments where I feel like saying sorry. All of it.
[He wishes that Buzen wasn't here with him, but Buzen is a big part of what gives his life meaning.]
[a little tiredly, but overall mostly fond. he lets matsui hold onto his hand, but he'll use his free one to go ahead and just wrap around him - pulling him into a hug. normally buzen offers and waits, but maybe this'll be his one act of selfishness. to pull matsui closer, when he worries that maybe the other will never actually bring himself to ask.]
I'd always take any second I can get with you, Matsu, even if things are rough - than any year without you.
So let's keep trying to get what moments we can, alright?
[though that does mean figuring out teams and whatnot.... well,]
Matsui freezes up for a fraction of a second, but he almost always takes the offers Buzen gives, so this is really no different. It feels more comfortable here than anywhere else. Maybe it's a little selfish, but if it's his to take, then he'll take it.]
Alright.
[Which is just a little muffled considering he's turned his face into Buzen. This death sucks!! Buzen deserves better!! He himself deserves arguably worse!! But if they're both going to be here, then he's going to allow himself that bit of selfishness.
But yeah. It sure does mean figuring out teams... It takes his brain a few moments to shift gears, but it's something he's been thinking of, anyway. Without pulling away just yet:]
...Buzen. Is there anyone else here that you would like to be on a team with?
[DON'T JUST CALL HIM OUT LIKE THIS DON'T DRAG HIS ASS HEEEEEELP.
Anyway.
This is so funny because Matsui can be so reserved around other people but so fucking brutal around the Gous. He's out there conversing politely with everyone and then turning around and telling Buzen they're freaks.]
One seemed excited when he confirmed that I've murdered people before. [FUCKING RANG.] Another attempted to assert that they understood you well enough to know where you would or wouldn't take naps.
I don't know that I would classify him as battle-crazy...
[He doesn't know how to classify Rang outside of a FREAK... Also listen. Buzen has come up so often in his conversations, it was only a matter of time before someone said something about him. Unfortunately it was Lambda and unfortunately she's on his shitlist now.]
Why wouldn't I talk about you? [HELLO.] You move too much for any decent nap, anyway. But if I asked you to take a nap with me in a coffin, as long as it was in the sun and the lid was off, you would, wouldn't you?
Oh! Yeah, I've talked to him. I like him - but he did wonder if we were natural enemies.
[but buzen is just laughing about it, so he clearly wasn't threatened.... help.]
Mm... Honestly, Matsu - the most important thing to me in a team is that you're comfortable. [since he knows that matsui takes a little longer to warm up to people, compared to buzen who'd just say yes to fucking anybody,] So you can pick where we go, if you're alright with it.
[BINCH. He also isn't threatened by Rang because he's a moron, but he dislikes that because of course he does. No one is Buzen's natural enemy because Buzen is perfect, he'll hit Rang with a bowling ball.
The rest of that makes him feel just a little guilty, though... Buzen is such a free-roaming spirit?? But he's considerate enough to leave it to him even though he's colder and cagier and just all around less pleasant...]
...Mm. Alright. We can talk about it, then... Have you met Shenhe yet?
[Hilariously she's on the fast track for becoming one of his favorites here.]
Something about sword spirits being meant to serve humans, but he doesn't care for them like we do, even though he's a gumiho. So maybe we shouldn't work together? I dunno - I didn't really get it.
[because buzen doesn't think he has any natural enemies sdlkjfsdf he'S REALLY far too easy-going.
at the mention of shenhe though, his whole expression lights up]
Yeah! Also - she gave me this!! [he just
pulls out a fucking green hot wheels car out of his pocket i'm screaming. THIS IS NOW HIS MOST PRIZED POSSESSION]
Isn't it the best thing you've ever seen, Matsu?!
[matsui: skilled fighter buzen: hOT WHEELS HOT WHEELS HOT WHEELS]
Haha, right? I don't know how much he'd like being on a team with me though, since he said I'm the type of person he likes least. But if you like him, maybe we can make it work.
[it's not even tru bc yaywon said it's actually the type rang is weak to but he lies about things and buzen will always believe his lies (pterodactyl scream) and unfortunately i have to prove her right... buzen believes him entirely and just doesn't want to inconvenience this guy,
regardless he'll pull away from matsui officially now just so he can demonstrate how the car runs against his palm, turny wheels and everything.... help,]
Yeah! It doesn't have an engine, but it rolls! We played a treasure hunt together - so she gave me this, and then I gave her another shark. So now all three of us have sharks.
[THE WAY THESE SHARKS ARE JUST BEING HANDED OUT LIKE GIFTS,]
[HELP ME THE WAY MATSUI IMMEDIATELY DECIDES HE DOESN'T LIKE RANG BECAUSE RANG SAID HE DOESN'T LIKE BUZEN (that's not what he said) BECAUSE RANG SAID HE DOESN'T LIKE BUZEN--]
I don't. [AAAAAAA THE WAY HE JUST SAYS THIS SO FLATLY. NOT LIKE THIS. YAYWON I'M SO SORRY. HE DOESN'T EVEN BOTHER ADDING ANYTHING ELSE TO THAT HE JUST SAYS no AND THEN CHANGES THE TOPIC.
But he'll just watch Buzen vroom his little plastic toy car around on his hand... ALSO HELP. If they get D they're going to have to give him a shark, too.]
I see... Those do seem like very good treasures to find. [A nod. He loves Dash and Homo and whoever Shenhe's shark is!] This one for you, especially.
[FUCKING HELP ME THIS TSUNDERE JUST ENDED UP ON MATSUI'S SHITLIST BECAUSE HE WASN'T HONEST ABOUT LIKING BUZEN ALDSKJFADF THIS IS SO FUNNYYYYYY yaywon when you find this pc i'm sorry we love you we can still save this maybe,,
but he just laughs at that]
Right? It was really nice of her to let me keep it. But what were we talking about? Oh yeah, teams - yeah, Shen-san and Hika-san are both nice!
[MAYBE WE CAN STILL SAVE THIS. WE WILL SEE. GODSPEED RANG. Matsui still likes Lambda less at least.
Anyway he just nods at this because yeah! He likes both of them well enough, in that distant sort of way that he tends to enjoy people as concepts and abstract existences.]
Mm... D as well. He has a totetsu, have you met them?
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He's too selfish to ever really run, though, in the same way that he's too selfish to say that if he's going to die, he doesn't want either of these things. He already burdens Buzen with too much.]
It would be unkind to keep them waiting for that long... [BINCH...... THEIR KOTEGIRI!!!! THE FURRIES (they have each other and they'll be fine) THE FURRIES!! Also fucking Kuwana he guesses.]
...What is it that you wish for? Remove me from the equation. I want to know. You would return, wouldn't you?
[Because, as usual, he'll defer to Buzen. The ideal that he wants for himself isn't even available, after all.]
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That's where I think you're not getting it, Matsu... If it's about what I want, I can't remove you from the equation. That just breaks the whole question. It's not about staying or returning, or being with them versus being with you.
It's all of us, together. I can be a little more patient 'cause we're still waiting for Ina and Tomo anyway, but... even if it's impossible, and if I were to want impossible things, it'd be all us Gous together.
[but buzen doesn't know if that's possible. he doesn't know if that timeline exists. maybe it doesn't. maybe that's his ridiculous dream - but he's honest with himself enough to say that if there's anything in this world that he could ask for, it'd be that.
every gou he loves, together. chaotic, bickering, but together.]
I want us to be with them - but I'm also okay waiting with you until you're ready, because I know what I don't want is to ever leave you alone again.
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Buzen already does too much for him, really. He's too kind. But that's just who he is, and it's just one of the many facets that make him up. Matsui loves each one, and would never change any of them.]
That's enough, then.
[That's all he needs to know, he means. He doesn't want an afterlife like this, with more of the same. If he's going to die, he wants his death alone to be enough of an atonement that he can let go of the albatross of life in its entirety, and not continue existing in this strange limbo.
So if Buzen's carrying a dream like that, then it can become his dream, too. A temporary dream, until he's finally done enough to settle the score.]
I won't make you wait, and I won't make them wait. If your dream is for all of us to be together someday, then I'll carry it with you.
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this one hurts a little though.]
... is this how you feel sometimes, Matsu?
[it's a little bit of a quiet question, like buzen himself is still puzzling it out. his brow furrows for a second again before he just laughs, expression turning sheepish.]
Like even if everything feels right, and that's what I want to hear, it's a little scary to believe in.
[as if this happiness is temporary, and something that they'll still lose. he knows that this is already a good answer from matsui, because it means that buzen's dream is more likely to come true - but only now is he starting to discover he wants a little more than this. he wants matsui to choose it for matsui's sake too.
buzen hums thoughtfully for a moment before a smile finds its way to his face.]
Well, I'll still believe in it. And in you. [because he doesn't know how to do anything else - and in the end, he is the type to turn his face toward the light] So believe in me too, okay?
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With a hand, he reaches up carefully and lets his fingertips rest for a moment where the furrow had been at Buzen's brow.]
I'm sorry.
[For scaring him, essentially. For making him feel like he's walking on fragile ground. For not being able to do anything better than that.
Even though Buzen is smiling now, once again he's gotta smile enough for both of them because Matsui sure isn't, this dour little dumbass. But on the plus side, he can at least say his next words with full and total confidence:]
I'll always believe in you. You don't have to ask it of me. No world exists in which I wouldn't believe in you, Buzen.
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Then... believe me when I say that everything's gonna be okay, no matter what happens.
[if they return to life - even if they don't. swords break. it happens. even if buzen wants to go back to the gous, he's also never had any illusions that their story ends with them being separated, if only for everyone else to go to their museums and for him, kumo, and ame to -
well, who knows what'll happen to them?
it'd just be nice, if they didn't have to leave sooner rather than later.]
So you don't need to say sorry to me - ever. I just want you to have fun when we're together. Even if some things are still tough, and you don't want to talk about it... I want the happy moments to count for something too.
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His eyes close, and he lets himself just feel Buzen's presence. The forehead against his own and the hand that he reaches for are both undoubtedly solid and warm, regardless of their state of being. And setting aside what may await them in the future... They're here together now, aren't they? It's not ideal. Buzen would rather be together with all of them, including their missing members. Matsui is constantly torn between wanting to spend just a little more time with them and wanting to die.
He guesses it makes little difference currently, though.]
...I believe you.
[Does he? Can he? He can at least say as much. He doesn't want to think on it too hard, or anxiety will start to eat away at him again and he won't be able to keep himself together.]
Please know, too, that I cherish every moment I have with you... When we're having fun, or when things are tough. The happy and the sad. The moments where I feel like saying sorry. All of it.
[He wishes that Buzen wasn't here with him, but Buzen is a big part of what gives his life meaning.]
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[a little tiredly, but overall mostly fond. he lets matsui hold onto his hand, but he'll use his free one to go ahead and just wrap around him - pulling him into a hug. normally buzen offers and waits, but maybe this'll be his one act of selfishness. to pull matsui closer, when he worries that maybe the other will never actually bring himself to ask.]
I'd always take any second I can get with you, Matsu, even if things are rough - than any year without you.
So let's keep trying to get what moments we can, alright?
[though that does mean figuring out teams and whatnot.... well,]
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Matsui freezes up for a fraction of a second, but he almost always takes the offers Buzen gives, so this is really no different. It feels more comfortable here than anywhere else. Maybe it's a little selfish, but if it's his to take, then he'll take it.]
Alright.
[Which is just a little muffled considering he's turned his face into Buzen. This death sucks!! Buzen deserves better!! He himself deserves arguably worse!! But if they're both going to be here, then he's going to allow himself that bit of selfishness.
But yeah. It sure does mean figuring out teams... It takes his brain a few moments to shift gears, but it's something he's been thinking of, anyway. Without pulling away just yet:]
...Buzen. Is there anyone else here that you would like to be on a team with?
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[a beat]
Oh wait, you said 'anyone else'... Mm...
[
a slightly confused noise?]
Anyone is probably good?
[matsui please save them]
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He does lean back a little at that, just so he can give Buzen a flat sort of look.]
"Anyone" is not good, probably. There are strange people here.
[Once again, the fucking wholeass audacity any time Matsui dares to call anyone else weird or strange.]
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[HE HAS TO SAY IT
HE HAS TO
HE'S SO FOND BUT ALSO SO AMUSED COME ON MATSU,]
What does that even mean?
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Anyway.
This is so funny because Matsui can be so reserved around other people but so fucking brutal around the Gous. He's out there conversing politely with everyone and then turning around and telling Buzen they're freaks.]
One seemed excited when he confirmed that I've murdered people before. [FUCKING RANG.] Another attempted to assert that they understood you well enough to know where you would or wouldn't take naps.
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Oh, okay. Well, I guess there's always battle-crazy people. [HE HAS NO IDEA IT'S RANG,
but also he's confused by the second part,,]
Me? Why are you talking about me? Even I haven't thought about where I'd nap.
[AND IMAGINE TRYING TO DEBATE IT WITH MATSUI, RESIDENT BUZEN FANCLUB PRESIDENT (KOTEGIRI CO-PRESIDENT)]
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[He doesn't know how to classify Rang outside of a FREAK... Also listen. Buzen has come up so often in his conversations, it was only a matter of time before someone said something about him. Unfortunately it was Lambda and unfortunately she's on his shitlist now.]
Why wouldn't I talk about you? [HELLO.] You move too much for any decent nap, anyway. But if I asked you to take a nap with me in a coffin, as long as it was in the sun and the lid was off, you would, wouldn't you?
[WHY!!!!]
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[he's asking just because he's curious.
also without even hesitating:] And yeah.
[JUST!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!]
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[Just doxxes his murder-lovin' ass.]
...Though he's also a spirit, and so may understand certain things better than others.
[No one's asked Rang to be on a team yet... It's tragic.
Anyway he just nods at that yeah because yeah! HE FUCKING KNOWS IT TAKE THAT LAMBDA YOU LIL SHIT.]
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[but buzen is just laughing about it, so he clearly wasn't threatened.... help.]
Mm... Honestly, Matsu - the most important thing to me in a team is that you're comfortable. [since he knows that matsui takes a little longer to warm up to people, compared to buzen who'd just say yes to fucking anybody,] So you can pick where we go, if you're alright with it.
I trust you.
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[BINCH. He also isn't threatened by Rang because he's a moron, but he dislikes that because of course he does. No one is Buzen's natural enemy because Buzen is perfect, he'll hit Rang with a bowling ball.
The rest of that makes him feel just a little guilty, though... Buzen is such a free-roaming spirit?? But he's considerate enough to leave it to him even though he's colder and cagier and just all around less pleasant...]
...Mm. Alright. We can talk about it, then... Have you met Shenhe yet?
[Hilariously she's on the fast track for becoming one of his favorites here.]
She and Hikari both have experience with weapons.
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[because buzen doesn't think he has any natural enemies sdlkjfsdf he'S REALLY far too easy-going.
at the mention of shenhe though, his whole expression lights up]
Yeah! Also - she gave me this!! [he just
pulls out a fucking green hot wheels car out of his pocket i'm screaming. THIS IS NOW HIS MOST PRIZED POSSESSION]
Isn't it the best thing you've ever seen, Matsu?!
[matsui: skilled fighter
buzen: hOT WHEELS HOT WHEELS HOT WHEELS]
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[He really just said "yeah checks" in more words. WHAT IS HE SO RUDE FOR HE BARELY KNOWS THE GUY.
Anyway he's distracted from Rang by this tiny little car because ??? HELLO. THIS IS SO FUNNY. SHENHE. She really is out here doing the most.]
Ah-- Is that a small car? [WHY IS IT IN HIS POC- actually yeah that also checks.] Does it work?
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[it's not even tru bc yaywon said it's actually the type rang is weak to but he lies about things and buzen will always believe his lies (pterodactyl scream) and unfortunately i have to prove her right... buzen believes him entirely and just doesn't want to inconvenience this guy,
regardless he'll pull away from matsui officially now just so he can demonstrate how the car runs against his palm, turny wheels and everything.... help,]
Yeah! It doesn't have an engine, but it rolls! We played a treasure hunt together - so she gave me this, and then I gave her another shark. So now all three of us have sharks.
[THE WAY THESE SHARKS ARE JUST BEING HANDED OUT LIKE GIFTS,]
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I don't. [AAAAAAA THE WAY HE JUST SAYS THIS SO FLATLY. NOT LIKE THIS. YAYWON I'M SO SORRY. HE DOESN'T EVEN BOTHER ADDING ANYTHING ELSE TO THAT HE JUST SAYS no AND THEN CHANGES THE TOPIC.
But he'll just watch Buzen vroom his little plastic toy car around on his hand... ALSO HELP. If they get D they're going to have to give him a shark, too.]
I see... Those do seem like very good treasures to find. [A nod. He loves Dash and Homo and whoever Shenhe's shark is!] This one for you, especially.
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[FUCKING HELP ME THIS TSUNDERE JUST ENDED UP ON MATSUI'S SHITLIST BECAUSE HE WASN'T HONEST ABOUT LIKING BUZEN ALDSKJFADF THIS IS SO FUNNYYYYYY yaywon when you find this pc i'm sorry we love you we can still save this maybe,,
but he just laughs at that]
Right? It was really nice of her to let me keep it. But what were we talking about? Oh yeah, teams - yeah, Shen-san and Hika-san are both nice!
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Anyway he just nods at this because yeah! He likes both of them well enough, in that distant sort of way that he tends to enjoy people as concepts and abstract existences.]
Mm... D as well. He has a totetsu, have you met them?
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