laughs faintly at that - because it feels like another one of those things that's scary to believe in. he lets his face fall into the curve of matsui's shoulder for a moment as he tries to find what he wants to say.
when he finds his voice, he settles for the truth:]
I want to give you forever. I would, if you'd let me.
[it just feels like some days matsui won't let him. when the pull of something else could still be stronger.]
[It's easier to want to say that he'd stay with Buzen forever too in moments like this, where he's all wrapped up in his warmth and the cold comfort of death doesn't seem quite as comforting as usual.
Still, he knows himself. He's greedy and always wanting for more, more of his time, more of his heart and laughter, more of his touch. But not even Buzen, not even his beautiful and precious Buzen, is enough to keep him anchored when the riptide of his despair has its deepest hold on him. It wasn't Buzen who stopped him from allowing himself to break, after all.
He doesn't know what to say in the face of such open and painful honesty, so he doesn't say anything, at least not yet. He just lets himself settle into Buzen, listening to his pulse and picturing the blood traveling just below his skin.]
the smile that slips across his mouth is a little rueful, but it is nonetheless fond. so typical of matsui to still keep parts of his heart and mind locked away from even buzen. and yet all buzen can do is adjust his hold to make the positioning comfortable for matsui, so that all of their lopsided pieces align.
he doesn't push for an answer - for things as heavy as this, he never does. all that's important to him is - ]
As long as you know.
[as long as matsui knows just how much he's cared for, that's all buzen could want.]
[There's a part of him that maybe feels a little guilty for being this way in the face of Buzen's wide heart and acceptance and love, but he feels so much guilt for so many things that it hardly stands out. He just nods, somewhat stilting, against Buzen's shoulder.]
I know. I do know.
[But this is about all he can do in return, which fits the trend of his general existence. A little shy of being anything meaningful.
Buzen affords him too much kindness. He wishes he could give more, or better, or differently.]
I never forget.
[What Buzen would be willing to give him, if he allowed it. But he can't and he won't, so pale gratitude is all he can really manage.]
[then I hope one day it means enough to make a difference.
it sits on the flat of buzen's tongue right before he swallows the sentiment whole, gulping it down before it runs any risk of hurting matsui with the weight of expectation. that's not what buzen wants. speaking his own hopes will, ironically, only bring him further away from what he cherishes so deeply: matsui's comfort.
so instead he's quiet in turn, rubbing matsui's back in a soothing, comforting gesture. he hums softly in acknowledgement.]
[thinking about how kuwana is the only one who pushes matsui's comfort and he gets all of matsui's murderous intent for it
He isn't fully satisfied with leaving things like this, but he doesn't feel like he could add anything meaningful, anyway. He doesn't feel like anything he has to offer would really be good enough. He can't ever really be good enough.
But he's already weighed down the atmosphere and their discussion enough, he thinks, so he just gives Buzen a squeeze from where he holds him round the middle. After a few beats of silence:]
[THIS IS WHY HE LOVES HIS STUPID BEAUTIFUL BUZEN!! He just presses his face into the side of Buzen's neck for a moment and doesn't fucking explain anything as usual.]
It's lively, like you. Listening to it is a comfort.
[It soothes his little anxious chihuahua heart, even if it can't cure him of his deep well of depression.]
[HE'S SO MUCH LESS CONVINCED ABOUT BLOOD TALK!!! HE'LL PROMISE TO BE WITH MATSUI FOREVER BUT THEN HE'S LIKE 'I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY BLOOD IS DOING'!!! truly just stupid and beautiful.
he'll bring up a hand to patpat his matsui's hair since he's all comfy.....]
[He really is just head empty heart full... Once again Matsui is temporarily rescued from the mires of his own depression by Buzen being Buzen, even if this is exactly why they're never going to get anywhere. FUCKING HELP!!!!!]
I would want to listen all of the time, then...
[Imagine if he was just like "let's simply skip the murdergame and stay in my nice comfortable coffin in the blood warehouse for seven weeks".]
[HE REALLY SAYS NO PUSHING OR TOO MUCH PUSHING AND NO IN BETWEEN, ALSO THAT HE WON'T DO ANY OF THE PUSHING HIMSELF, DAMN.]
Hah... I wasn't speaking seriously, Buzen.
[That'd be too selfish, he can't take up that much of Buzen's time, HE THINKS TO HIMSELF AS HE TAKES UP SO MUCH OF BUZEN'S TIME AND SPENDS LIKE 90% OF HIS FREE TIME IN BUZEN'S VICINITY.]
[HE SHOULD BELIEVE IT. MATSUI WOULD. HE FUCKIN WOULD!!]
I'm happy just with these moments.
[Being able to sleep right next to Buzen in their stupid sleeping bag is also enough to tide him over, he probably often falls asleep listening to Buzen's pulse because he doesn't have enough room to coffin pose.]
[WHY is his Buzen the perfect boyfriend shape... He doesn't even need their soft shark friends, he'd be fine with their penguin sleeping bag and Buzen alone.]
We can stay like this for a little longer, then, can't we?
[STOP dash and homo can stay he guesses... THE WAY TOUCH WEEK HAS MADE HIM SO BOLD THOUGH. He can never return to normal life now. He's just cuddling into Buzen and enjoying his new home.]
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laughs faintly at that - because it feels like another one of those things that's scary to believe in. he lets his face fall into the curve of matsui's shoulder for a moment as he tries to find what he wants to say.
when he finds his voice, he settles for the truth:]
I want to give you forever. I would, if you'd let me.
[it just feels like some days matsui won't let him. when the pull of something else could still be stronger.]
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Still, he knows himself. He's greedy and always wanting for more, more of his time, more of his heart and laughter, more of his touch. But not even Buzen, not even his beautiful and precious Buzen, is enough to keep him anchored when the riptide of his despair has its deepest hold on him. It wasn't Buzen who stopped him from allowing himself to break, after all.
He doesn't know what to say in the face of such open and painful honesty, so he doesn't say anything, at least not yet. He just lets himself settle into Buzen, listening to his pulse and picturing the blood traveling just below his skin.]
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that's about what he expected.
the smile that slips across his mouth is a little rueful, but it is nonetheless fond. so typical of matsui to still keep parts of his heart and mind locked away from even buzen. and yet all buzen can do is adjust his hold to make the positioning comfortable for matsui, so that all of their lopsided pieces align.
he doesn't push for an answer - for things as heavy as this, he never does. all that's important to him is - ]
As long as you know.
[as long as matsui knows just how much he's cared for, that's all buzen could want.]
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I know. I do know.
[But this is about all he can do in return, which fits the trend of his general existence. A little shy of being anything meaningful.
Buzen affords him too much kindness. He wishes he could give more, or better, or differently.]
I never forget.
[What Buzen would be willing to give him, if he allowed it. But he can't and he won't, so pale gratitude is all he can really manage.]
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it sits on the flat of buzen's tongue right before he swallows the sentiment whole, gulping it down before it runs any risk of hurting matsui with the weight of expectation. that's not what buzen wants. speaking his own hopes will, ironically, only bring him further away from what he cherishes so deeply: matsui's comfort.
so instead he's quiet in turn, rubbing matsui's back in a soothing, comforting gesture. he hums softly in acknowledgement.]
Good. Then that's enough for me.
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He isn't fully satisfied with leaving things like this, but he doesn't feel like he could add anything meaningful, anyway. He doesn't feel like anything he has to offer would really be good enough. He can't ever really be good enough.
But he's already weighed down the atmosphere and their discussion enough, he thinks, so he just gives Buzen a squeeze from where he holds him round the middle. After a few beats of silence:]
--Your blood sounds healthy today.
[Thanks SIR!!!!!]
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[the speed at which he responds with something STUPID even when his matsui is all comfortable in his lap. unbelievable.]
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It's lively, like you. Listening to it is a comfort.
[It soothes his little anxious chihuahua heart, even if it can't cure him of his deep well of depression.]
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[HE'S SO MUCH LESS CONVINCED ABOUT BLOOD TALK!!! HE'LL PROMISE TO BE WITH MATSUI FOREVER BUT THEN HE'S LIKE 'I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY BLOOD IS DOING'!!! truly just stupid and beautiful.
he'll bring up a hand to patpat his matsui's hair since he's all comfy.....]
I guess you can listen whenever you want...
[it's not like seeing it so...]
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I would want to listen all of the time, then...
[Imagine if he was just like "let's simply skip the murdergame and stay in my nice comfortable coffin in the blood warehouse for seven weeks".]
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.... most of the time might be okay? I still want to go running...
[and he can't do that with matsui attached to him.....
can he?]
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Hah... I wasn't speaking seriously, Buzen.
[That'd be too selfish, he can't take up that much of Buzen's time, HE THINKS TO HIMSELF AS HE TAKES UP SO MUCH OF BUZEN'S TIME AND SPENDS LIKE 90% OF HIS FREE TIME IN BUZEN'S VICINITY.]
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[THAT HE JUST
WANTS TO LISTEN TO BUZEN'S BLOOD AND HE'S SO OBSESSIVE (ABOUT BLOOD ONLY, CLEARLY) THAT BUZEN BELIEVED IT
wow.....]
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I'm happy just with these moments.
[Being able to sleep right next to Buzen in their stupid sleeping bag is also enough to tide him over, he probably often falls asleep listening to Buzen's pulse because he doesn't have enough room to coffin pose.]
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Well... if you say so.
I'm pretty happy like this, too.
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We can stay like this for a little longer, then, can't we?
[JUST HERE, TAKING UP A PHOTO BOOTH.]
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but he's just laughing]
Sure, I don't mind. Is sitting like this comfortable, Matsu?
[imagine going from lap pillow to just sitting in buzen's lap the pda is off the charts]
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I'm comfortable. Are you?
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Yeah. I like having you close.
[dumb and honest...]
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Ah, I like having you close, too... It's a shame that I'll never be as close to you as your blood is, though.
[Meanwhile, Matsui continues to be Matsui.]