It was easier for us than for them. We were okay with it, you know? There weren't any easy choices to make this week, but it still wasn't really doing them any favors, asking them to erase friends for the points. But it meant we could help make sure they weren't caught, too.
[living is often harder than dying. he's intimately familiar with that.
it's also hard to let those thoughts go completely, though, brow a little furrowed.]
...if something bugs you then I think it matters enough, man.
... we're talking about two pretty big things at the same time, Netz-san. I'd just rather give one my attention at a time, you know?
[his erasure or buzen's. buzen's got pretty quick emotional agility, but even he can't quite reconcile his feelings on both at the same time when they're so wildly different.
[just because, well, he's pretty much fine right now. it's easier when it's what he chose, when he had a week to plan and prepare for it and knew he'd be gone.]
I get the logic behind her choice, and I don't blame her for feeling like she needed to kill someone to protect her team. There's a lot that was a result of the situation, and I also don't think I'm a bad target to kill.
But because it was my team against hers, and what happened to Matsu and Rang happened... it's hard for me to talk about. [because it's my fault but no one will let me say it's my fault and to some degree i can't take the fault away from her either]
...yeah. It was weird for me too. She-- some of the things she said when we talked about home reminded me a lot of Carmen. I really liked her, you know?
[for a little bit i felt...]
Even after what she did, I liked her, but the reasons Lambda said she had... she knew about me, is the thing.
[she knew i fit her reasons and she still killed you, and that killed them, and if she would've just taken the easier target then no one would be in this position, but nobody wants to let me say it either.
it would all be easier, there'd be two fewer bodies and less trauma.]
...even if you'd killed her instead, it might have all gone the same way. If you guys got voted for it.
Because based on what we understood of the mission at the time, I wouldn't have let anyone take the fall for me. But if I was gone, then it would've been hard on Matsu. And I can't forgive easily for making Matsu feel that level of hurt - her or her team, who hid the truth from him. But I don't need to forgive them to work with them.
[there's a lot that buzen understands logically and he tries to be fair, but the heart is the heart.]
Netz-san. You were chosen to live, so I hope you enjoyed the weeks you got to have with the people there, and then met your end in a way that you can face head on.
But regardless, if you felt something for her... if you still call her a friend, that's fine.
I just don't want to lie to you about where I stand with it.
Maybe if she'd told me anything that could've been different, but... I had to find out from everybody else. I don't think she's ever messaged me or anything, either-- I kind of don't know if we were actually friends before.
[or if after she knew he wasn't a person, she didn't think of him that way. maybe if she lived he'd have been next. there's no telling.
i don't want to fault anyone for what we're forced to do. but the way he felt that night-]
I can work with them too, but they were on the bottom of my team's list, when we needed to talk about who we'd trust to win.
.... mm. [buzen sighs, a little unsure what to do with his own feelings on the matter when he's not used to holding onto something so negative for so long. but if it's for the people he holds dear...] It's been... interesting, to see the dynamics.
But...
I'm sorry you were even put in that position, Netz-san. To have to question something that you thought that you could put your faith in.
Honestly, I don't think we were wrong to think so. Fei Du was talking earlier like he cooperated with Froggystyle too, but he tried to get them caught anyway.
I like Kyoko, though.
[kyoko, he thinks can probably be trusted to help more than just her team. hopefully. please don't let him be let down again amen.]
... and I think you're allowed to feel however you want about it all too, you know. You're the one who she dragged into it.
[honestly it's my first grudge i don't really know what to do with it it's hard
buzen blinks like he hadn't thought of that point regarding fei du - but he nods...]
... in the end, we're all in the same boat. And it hasn't been bad here, to be honest. All our needs are taken care of for free and the hotel has real beds you don't have to buy.
Mm, well we'll see how tomorrow works out but we'll be able to give our points to the winning team in order to try to get all of us revived and back to where we should be.
We can drink more if you want too? It'd be nice to have a chance to relax and have some fun.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
buzen will literally just pull netzach into this embrace immediately, curling around him]
Hey there.
Long time no see - for the record, I'd miss Matsu more than me too so no hard feelings.
no subject
[it was so early. it feels like it's been way too long-- he's clinging, a little.]
no subject
... yeah. It's been a tough string of weeks, huh?
I'm still a little embarrassed about how I had to say goodbye... but I'm more glad we have a chance to say hello again.
no subject
[just leaning against him comfortably. this is nice, after finding out how bad the weekend apparently was.]
But I'm glad we do, too.
[i'm sorry it was you, and not me.]
no subject
You shouldn't say that.
I'm not a better person to keep around than anyone else. I'm glad you were safe for a while longer.
no subject
[it just makes sense, right? it wouldn't have meant three deaths. she could've picked better.]
But I at least don't regret how it happened, for us.
no subject
... I don't want to stay mad at anyone so close to the end. Their whole team is here too, one way or another. So I'll... manage.
[so he hopes that's enough of a quiet indicator of his thoughts - ]
Do you want to talk about what happened, Netz-san? Matsu and I weren't able to pay much attention to stuff recently...
no subject
[so he gets it. sometimes you learn things and you have weeks of survivors guilt about it, though.]
But, uh, speaking of doing things we gotta do... me and Yuzu asked Haru and Red to erase us.
no subject
he just makes a soft noise and lets himself get distracted.]
... and you're okay with that? I understand the sacrifice being made but...
It doesn't change how painful it is.
no subject
[living is often harder than dying. he's intimately familiar with that.
it's also hard to let those thoughts go completely, though, brow a little furrowed.]
...if something bugs you then I think it matters enough, man.
no subject
[his erasure or buzen's. buzen's got pretty quick emotional agility, but even he can't quite reconcile his feelings on both at the same time when they're so wildly different.
the ocean between acceptance and discomfort.]
You can pick which one goes first.
no subject
[just because, well, he's pretty much fine right now. it's easier when it's what he chose, when he had a week to plan and prepare for it and knew he'd be gone.]
no subject
i really end up talking about this every week for some reason,]
Did Libby-san tell you why she chose me to erase?
no subject
[could've applied to me too.]
no subject
Then that's all.
I get the logic behind her choice, and I don't blame her for feeling like she needed to kill someone to protect her team. There's a lot that was a result of the situation, and I also don't think I'm a bad target to kill.
But because it was my team against hers, and what happened to Matsu and Rang happened... it's hard for me to talk about. [because it's my fault but no one will let me say it's my fault and to some degree i can't take the fault away from her either]
So it's just... weird.
no subject
[for a little bit i felt...]
Even after what she did, I liked her, but the reasons Lambda said she had... she knew about me, is the thing.
[she knew i fit her reasons and she still killed you, and that killed them, and if she would've just taken the easier target then no one would be in this position, but nobody wants to let me say it either.
it would all be easier, there'd be two fewer bodies and less trauma.]
...even if you'd killed her instead, it might have all gone the same way. If you guys got voted for it.
no subject
[and buzen can be honest about that]
Because based on what we understood of the mission at the time, I wouldn't have let anyone take the fall for me. But if I was gone, then it would've been hard on Matsu. And I can't forgive easily for making Matsu feel that level of hurt - her or her team, who hid the truth from him. But I don't need to forgive them to work with them.
[there's a lot that buzen understands logically and he tries to be fair, but the heart is the heart.]
Netz-san. You were chosen to live, so I hope you enjoyed the weeks you got to have with the people there, and then met your end in a way that you can face head on.
But regardless, if you felt something for her... if you still call her a friend, that's fine.
I just don't want to lie to you about where I stand with it.
no subject
Maybe if she'd told me anything that could've been different, but... I had to find out from everybody else. I don't think she's ever messaged me or anything, either-- I kind of don't know if we were actually friends before.
[or if after she knew he wasn't a person, she didn't think of him that way. maybe if she lived he'd have been next. there's no telling.
i don't want to fault anyone for what we're forced to do. but the way he felt that night-]
I can work with them too, but they were on the bottom of my team's list, when we needed to talk about who we'd trust to win.
no subject
But...
I'm sorry you were even put in that position, Netz-san. To have to question something that you thought that you could put your faith in.
no subject
I like Kyoko, though.
[kyoko, he thinks can probably be trusted to help more than just her team. hopefully. please don't let him be let down again amen.]
... and I think you're allowed to feel however you want about it all too, you know. You're the one who she dragged into it.
no subject
buzen blinks like he hadn't thought of that point regarding fei du - but he nods...]
... in the end, we're all in the same boat. And it hasn't been bad here, to be honest. All our needs are taken care of for free and the hotel has real beds you don't have to buy.
I've had time to figure myself out.... a little.
no subject
we're on that pooh bear learning negative emotions shit here
but the place does seem pretty decent, honestly.]
Rang said he thought I'd like it-- decent beds and free alcohol is all I needed out of it.
[so of course he's satisfied.]
What all did you figure out?
no subject
[just straight up asks out of nowhere]
Mm, well we'll see how tomorrow works out but we'll be able to give our points to the winning team in order to try to get all of us revived and back to where we should be.
We can drink more if you want too? It'd be nice to have a chance to relax and have some fun.
no subject
[he didn't have to use her own sword, either. not with what it means to her.]
I think that'd be good though, yeah. I could really use a few.
no subject
[but he'll just keep an arm around netzach's shoulders in his casually touchy way and head toward the closest place that has Drinks]
Then let's go get some drinks in you. Did you find a place in the hotel to stay in already? I can carry you back.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)