Because even though I tried to help, it wasn't very good. It took too long, and I - barely managed to get anyone to listen, even when I had the answer. So many people got upset today, and it was still such a long day.
I know I couldn't have said anything without breaking a rule - and I wasn't trying to protect my team. I'll admit that.
[buzen truly was such a snitch]
But I still lied and hid, and it's okay if people don't like liars.
[ fei du watches buzen quietly as he answers; there's no real reaction on his face either way. he's an observer, more than anything - the calm neutrality of looking into a mirror, dark eyes focused and paying close attention.
and then, finally, at the end and only then, he huffs a little bit of a laugh and reaches up to take off his glasses to clean them on his shirt. ]
If I held it against every person who ever lied to me, or obstructed me from something, Buzen, I would have a grudge list longer than the entire continent of China. [ it's just a little bit wry, no heat, before he continues. ]. In the end, it's a game with specific rules. In the end, an obstruction to justice is still a bystander who makes the choices they make.
What matters to me, I guess, is what you do with the aftermath of it. You can't control Rang, Matsui, or D, and you couldn't control the rules, or the trial, or anything at it. What's done is done - a child is dead, and its left behind bleeding injuries in its wake. A murder leaves its mark on more than just a victim, and trauma is a wound that festers. So, pick up the pieces and try to put them back together. Yours. Your team's. The people Rin cared for, and the people who cared for him. Do what you can to try.
[ as he finishes cleaning his glasses, setting them back on the bridge of his nose, he glances over again, properly. ] You seem more of a fit for that than lying. [ a little huff. ] No offense.
it's an interesting thing, to try to tell a sword about murder and trauma. when for most of his hundreds of years of existence, that's all he's ever known. when he's sees the wars at their peak and then aftermath.]
... there are things you don't need to tell me.
[when he's been trying, in every way that he could, since the second he found out]
But I get it, if my best hasn't been good enough. I'll do better, Fei Du.
I think you're misreading entirely what I'm trying to say.
[ he. frowns? a frown, brow furrowing. ]
This isn't a caustic judgement, and I'm not trying to assign you any kind of blame for it, so don't take it on so easily, or assume that I'm saying your best isn't good enough, because I never said it.
What I'm saying is it's already happened, and what's done is done. Let's look to what lies ahead. And as for things I don't need to tell you; that you're keeping those things in mind is already a reason to move forward.
[ after a moment. ] ... I'm not sure what I did to make you think I'd come at you like that, but it wasn't intentional.
[his brow furrows and he shakes his head. it's not an attack, and it's not as though buzen perceived an attack. but it's an odd thing, to tell buzen to try when he already has been - how can he see it as anything besides the idea that his efforts aren't being made clear?
when he already felt this entire time that he wasn't smart enough or good enough to help. when fei du doesn't have to assign buzen blame, because he will be taking it on regardless of anything. that's not fei du's fault, it is simply the build of a sword - unyielding as steel about what he can or can't accept.
but he can tell that he's hurt someone again, on accident but he did.]
... sorry.
I'm not very smart, so there's some things I don't understand. But I don't think badly of you, and don't think you were after me or anything.
[ if it helps, he doesn't seem particularly hurt by it. a neutral canvas, just a raised eyebrow and a bit of a frown. in general, fei du seems to be a fairly aloof person, more observant than reactive, and this is no different. ]
...Even if you did think badly of me, I wouldn't stop you from doing so - I work to stop things like this, nowadays. It's a job. Hunting out killers requires a certain level of doggedness.
[ he reaches up, and - after a moment, takes off his glasses, moving to clean them on his shirt, and sighs. ]
...You know, studying the psyche of others is a hobby of mine. People, one way or another; though things here are a bit different.
Seems like a tough job to me... Though maybe it's just because having a heart is so new to me. There's a lot of emotions and thoughts I'm only now figuring out how to feel.
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I know I couldn't have said anything without breaking a rule - and I wasn't trying to protect my team. I'll admit that.
[buzen truly was such a snitch]
But I still lied and hid, and it's okay if people don't like liars.
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and then, finally, at the end and only then, he huffs a little bit of a laugh and reaches up to take off his glasses to clean them on his shirt. ]
If I held it against every person who ever lied to me, or obstructed me from something, Buzen, I would have a grudge list longer than the entire continent of China. [ it's just a little bit wry, no heat, before he continues. ]. In the end, it's a game with specific rules. In the end, an obstruction to justice is still a bystander who makes the choices they make.
What matters to me, I guess, is what you do with the aftermath of it. You can't control Rang, Matsui, or D, and you couldn't control the rules, or the trial, or anything at it. What's done is done - a child is dead, and its left behind bleeding injuries in its wake. A murder leaves its mark on more than just a victim, and trauma is a wound that festers. So, pick up the pieces and try to put them back together. Yours. Your team's. The people Rin cared for, and the people who cared for him. Do what you can to try.
[ as he finishes cleaning his glasses, setting them back on the bridge of his nose, he glances over again, properly. ] You seem more of a fit for that than lying. [ a little huff. ] No offense.
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it's an interesting thing, to try to tell a sword about murder and trauma. when for most of his hundreds of years of existence, that's all he's ever known. when he's sees the wars at their peak and then aftermath.]
... there are things you don't need to tell me.
[when he's been trying, in every way that he could, since the second he found out]
But I get it, if my best hasn't been good enough. I'll do better, Fei Du.
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[ he. frowns? a frown, brow furrowing. ]
This isn't a caustic judgement, and I'm not trying to assign you any kind of blame for it, so don't take it on so easily, or assume that I'm saying your best isn't good enough, because I never said it.
What I'm saying is it's already happened, and what's done is done. Let's look to what lies ahead. And as for things I don't need to tell you; that you're keeping those things in mind is already a reason to move forward.
[ after a moment. ] ... I'm not sure what I did to make you think I'd come at you like that, but it wasn't intentional.
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[his brow furrows and he shakes his head. it's not an attack, and it's not as though buzen perceived an attack. but it's an odd thing, to tell buzen to try when he already has been - how can he see it as anything besides the idea that his efforts aren't being made clear?
when he already felt this entire time that he wasn't smart enough or good enough to help. when fei du doesn't have to assign buzen blame, because he will be taking it on regardless of anything. that's not fei du's fault, it is simply the build of a sword - unyielding as steel about what he can or can't accept.
but he can tell that he's hurt someone again, on accident but he did.]
... sorry.
I'm not very smart, so there's some things I don't understand. But I don't think badly of you, and don't think you were after me or anything.
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...Even if you did think badly of me, I wouldn't stop you from doing so - I work to stop things like this, nowadays. It's a job. Hunting out killers requires a certain level of doggedness.
[ he reaches up, and - after a moment, takes off his glasses, moving to clean them on his shirt, and sighs. ]
...You know, studying the psyche of others is a hobby of mine. People, one way or another; though things here are a bit different.
I THOUGHT I TAGGED THIS BACK HEELLO SORRY SISI
[he pouts at that, and then shakes his head.]
Seems like a tough job to me... Though maybe it's just because having a heart is so new to me. There's a lot of emotions and thoughts I'm only now figuring out how to feel.