buzen spent so long being the blade that did not feel emotion, but possessed an awareness. even if the details were foggy, he has memories of being in someone else's possession, in learning the different way that a hand gripped him could betray the turmoil that went on in the human heart. fear, anger, anxiety - nothing that he truly grasped until he was summoned into this form no sooner than three years ago and felt it all for himself.
it didn't occur to him that there may be ways in which the brain can learn to feel, whether by upbringing or by this apparent retraining. for so long, he knew the heart simply for what it was - in this natural, painful, untarnished shape.
he looks guilty after the memory plays - but he is not perturbed by the images of massacre itself, not when he was the tool used to orchestrate so many of these scenes before.]
well. thankfully, it's not the first time he's seen this one, but buzen may notice, almost immediately, subconsciously, that a single spark jitters over the top of fei du's knuckles. it's not the first time that's happened, and he's left staring into the space where it felt like the memory was playing for a long moment after, dissociated back into a familiar chair.
thankfully, this isn't an old memory, either. when buzen speaks, finally, he seems to come back for reality, and exhales, rolling his shoulders back and glancing over to look at him. ]
... It's not your fault - but thank you, anyway. [ quiet, and then, a little more ruefully: ] I'd hoped in death I'd never see one of these rotten things again.
[ he hates pigs actually they suck! but. honestly, he's not really ashamed of anything in the memory itself, so after a beat, fei du adds: ]
... If you have questions, you can ask. It's alright.
... I don't really like to ask people about painful things. Everyone has stuff they don't want to talk about.
[an old habit of his own, born out of difficulty and uncertainty. even if fei du seems alright, there is something inherently traumatic about this... even if it looks a little bit like instilling trauma in yourself. it's an odd thing for buzen to try to understand, but at the same time - ]
If it's something you choose for yourself... then I can only hope that it accomplishes what you need.
[ this kind of behavior is something fei du should probably not be proud of - and it's not that he's proud, necessarily, but he's not ashamed of it, either. frankly, most of the people here who have seen the same memory have told him something similar. that it must have been effective, that it must have been worth it, and that's exactly what he thinks, too. it's a much rarer occasion for someone to point out how badly he's harmed himself in the process.
it does accomplish what he needs. fei du, as far as he's concerned, has no trauma at all. because that's healthy person thinking.
he laughs a little. ] Though, admittedly, it's a bit inconvenient, here. [ there is so much blood all the time ] But, I'd rather be inconvenienced than the alternative.
[there is truly so much blood all the time and also here in the graveyard there is matsui who loves to talk about blood all the time, but he looks a little perplexed]
.... what's the alternative?
[he can make the vague association - the shocks in response to horrible imagery. trying to make sure that he has a bad reaction to it.
The alternative is looking at people as disposable.
[ just like his father did. like an anthropomorphized piece of pork on a plate. like nothing. ] Or perhaps as stepping stones to a larger ambition. Or, being so self-centered as to believe that my own idea of what's just and right in the world locks out the experiences and pain of others.
I refuse to be that way. [ even if he acts like it, sometimes. fei du's bad behavior, his sometimes cruel or cavalier attitude, the way he talks - everything he does is a lie. he pretends to play with the big boys and the monsters, but in reality, he's like this, so desperately trying to protect others, so stubbornly set in being better than what fei chengyu tried to make him be, that he'd tear himself to shreds to do it. ]
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tags this now that we're not going insane over bites
buzen spent so long being the blade that did not feel emotion, but possessed an awareness. even if the details were foggy, he has memories of being in someone else's possession, in learning the different way that a hand gripped him could betray the turmoil that went on in the human heart. fear, anger, anxiety - nothing that he truly grasped until he was summoned into this form no sooner than three years ago and felt it all for himself.
it didn't occur to him that there may be ways in which the brain can learn to feel, whether by upbringing or by this apparent retraining. for so long, he knew the heart simply for what it was - in this natural, painful, untarnished shape.
he looks guilty after the memory plays - but he is not perturbed by the images of massacre itself, not when he was the tool used to orchestrate so many of these scenes before.]
... that seemed pretty private, Fei Du. Sorry.
mood
well. thankfully, it's not the first time he's seen this one, but buzen may notice, almost immediately, subconsciously, that a single spark jitters over the top of fei du's knuckles. it's not the first time that's happened, and he's left staring into the space where it felt like the memory was playing for a long moment after, dissociated back into a familiar chair.
thankfully, this isn't an old memory, either. when buzen speaks, finally, he seems to come back for reality, and exhales, rolling his shoulders back and glancing over to look at him. ]
... It's not your fault - but thank you, anyway. [ quiet, and then, a little more ruefully: ] I'd hoped in death I'd never see one of these rotten things again.
[ he hates pigs actually they suck! but. honestly, he's not really ashamed of anything in the memory itself, so after a beat, fei du adds: ]
... If you have questions, you can ask. It's alright.
no subject
[an old habit of his own, born out of difficulty and uncertainty. even if fei du seems alright, there is something inherently traumatic about this... even if it looks a little bit like instilling trauma in yourself. it's an odd thing for buzen to try to understand, but at the same time - ]
If it's something you choose for yourself... then I can only hope that it accomplishes what you need.
no subject
[ this kind of behavior is something fei du should probably not be proud of - and it's not that he's proud, necessarily, but he's not ashamed of it, either. frankly, most of the people here who have seen the same memory have told him something similar. that it must have been effective, that it must have been worth it, and that's exactly what he thinks, too. it's a much rarer occasion for someone to point out how badly he's harmed himself in the process.
it does accomplish what he needs. fei du, as far as he's concerned, has no trauma at all. because that's healthy person thinking.
he laughs a little. ] Though, admittedly, it's a bit inconvenient, here. [ there is so much blood all the time ] But, I'd rather be inconvenienced than the alternative.
no subject
.... what's the alternative?
[he can make the vague association - the shocks in response to horrible imagery. trying to make sure that he has a bad reaction to it.
but... if left alone... is it - no reaction?]
no subject
The alternative is looking at people as disposable.
[ just like his father did. like an anthropomorphized piece of pork on a plate. like nothing. ] Or perhaps as stepping stones to a larger ambition. Or, being so self-centered as to believe that my own idea of what's just and right in the world locks out the experiences and pain of others.
I refuse to be that way. [ even if he acts like it, sometimes. fei du's bad behavior, his sometimes cruel or cavalier attitude, the way he talks - everything he does is a lie. he pretends to play with the big boys and the monsters, but in reality, he's like this, so desperately trying to protect others, so stubbornly set in being better than what fei chengyu tried to make him be, that he'd tear himself to shreds to do it. ]