[BUZEN DESERVES HIS DESSERT BREAK!! Matsui will just lament over the lack of red food here. I GUESS THERE'S LINGONBERRY??? ISN'T THAT BLUE. i have no idea what's going on.
ANYWAY!! THEY HAVE THEIR SHARK NOW NO STEALING INVOLVED. Whether he's holding the shark or not, he's also holding Buzen's hand. They're fucking dead and he's not happy about various parts of this for various reasons, but having Buzen here in general has unfortunately healed his soul on a whole.]
The wrong afterlife? It doesn't seem correct, that much is true. [He doesn't even want eternal paradise he just wants to CEASE.]
[the way that matsui just demands handholding instantly and buzen will allow it because matsui is holding his hand and that seems fine? i'm getting flashbacks already,]
Nope. I remember Kotegiri's play - Den-san was really surprisingly good, wasn't he - and that's about it!
[LISTEN. STOP I HATE IT HERE SO BAD sometimes you just cope with stress by literally and metaphorically clinging to your favorite lifeline who shouldn't be dead at all but like, if he is at least they're together, you know. It's fine he's fine.
Except the tides of depression are TAKING HIM AWAY.]
I wonder, as well... If this is death, it's a far cry from what I had been anticipating.
[Like girl he doesn't even want to come back to life, he just doesn't want to be here tortured by the continued weight of consciousness.]
[ . . . . matsu why. they just started. but buzen will pause at that before bringing them over to the food court so he can put down the giant shark doll and
[THEY JUST STARTED BUT HE'S OUT HERE... having his hair mussed. He makes a little bit of a startled sound, but at least it's enough to snap his attention back to Buzen and away from the giant cloud of depression threatening at all times to drag him by the toes into hell.]
Buzen—!
[HIS HAIR. His hands rise reflexively to try grabbing Buzen's stupid little paws.]
[HIS PAWS NOW!! Except he'll let one go so Buzen can fuss with his hair again. The depression was gone for .2 seconds and now it's back, because he knows what Buzen intends to convey with those words, but he dislikes the selfish part of his heart that finds comfort in it.
Instead, with a quiet sort of sincerity and the gentlest of holds on the one hand he still has:]
I wish that you hadn't, this time.
[The others need their leader!! Moreover, if they're here together like this, he doesn't need to remember the details of whatever ended up breaking them. Surely he had something to do with it. It's another burden of guilt to carry.]
[HIS HAIR... IT'S ALL FUCKIN WEIRD NOW but it's fine, he won't fuss too badly about it because he's too busy thinking about how Buzen should be, like, not dead. There are so many reasons as to why Buzen shouldn't be here that he almost finds the question baffling, except it's coming from Buzen which makes it make sense.
He tries to pare all of those complex reasons down to the core few.]
You don't deserve it. [To go where Matsui wants to go, or thinks he should go. OR BE DEAD IN GENERAL.] And you're still needed elsewhere.
[and for buzen, it's that simple. sure, the other gous need him - but supposedly, right now, the other gous all have each other. it's a number thing. and ultimately, matsui is the one who is still in front of him and... well, buzen has a tendency to look straight ahead more than anything else.]
I've done what you've done. [he's spilled the same blood, walked the same shores, committed the same sins] So I deserve what you deserve.
And more than any of that - I'll always want to be next to you, Matsu. Life or death, heaven or hell.
[It would be impossible for him to put into words the way hearing this both soothes and haunts him. He's always so deeply selfish when it comes to Buzen, after all; if the hand is offered, he knows he's not strong enough to push it away.
But, as with most things in his life, it's a weight that leaves him feeling miserable at the same time. He couldn't begin to articulate why they're so different even though Buzen walked the same path during those painful days, but it's something he feels strongly. He's always thought that if anyone needs to repent for anything, he would want to carry it alone. He's not the same sort of irreplaceable sun, whose presence would be starkly felt and missed. His heart isn't so wide and warm. He doesn't deserve what Buzen deserves, and Buzen doesn't deserve what he deserves.
Naturally he articulates none of this and just stares at Buzen with his stupid mournful haunted eyes.]
...What I want is for you to leave this place.
[It's not changing the past if they're winning their way back to life instead of preventing whatever caused their deaths right!!]
[but buzen will stop fussing with matsui's hair, finally, to instead just let his hand smooth it back. he'll tuck some of matsui's hair behind his ear and then cup his cheek - not out of any sense of romance, exactly, but more just so that he can look at him clearly. matsui looks at him with stupid, mournful, haunted eyes - and buzen sees him exactly as he is. he doesn't pull back or look away.
he still looks at him with the same unyielding hope and affection.]
'Cause I'm not leaving without you. If you stay, I stay. If you go, I go. If you're here for the next thousand years before you change your mind and wanna see the others again - then that's my fate, too.
[You know when you overturn a stone and shine a flashlight and all the critters hiding under there go scattering off in different directions... That's how Matsui feels sometimes when Buzen looks at him like this. Maybe it's why he prefers small, dark places, where he can't be seen as easily or as clearly.
He's too selfish to ever really run, though, in the same way that he's too selfish to say that if he's going to die, he doesn't want either of these things. He already burdens Buzen with too much.]
It would be unkind to keep them waiting for that long... [BINCH...... THEIR KOTEGIRI!!!! THE FURRIES (they have each other and they'll be fine) THE FURRIES!! Also fucking Kuwana he guesses.]
...What is it that you wish for? Remove me from the equation. I want to know. You would return, wouldn't you?
[Because, as usual, he'll defer to Buzen. The ideal that he wants for himself isn't even available, after all.]
[finally, there's a frustrated little furrow of buzen's brow - but he just sighs it out a second later. he shakes his head.]
That's where I think you're not getting it, Matsu... If it's about what I want, I can't remove you from the equation. That just breaks the whole question. It's not about staying or returning, or being with them versus being with you.
It's all of us, together. I can be a little more patient 'cause we're still waiting for Ina and Tomo anyway, but... even if it's impossible, and if I were to want impossible things, it'd be all us Gous together.
[but buzen doesn't know if that's possible. he doesn't know if that timeline exists. maybe it doesn't. maybe that's his ridiculous dream - but he's honest with himself enough to say that if there's anything in this world that he could ask for, it'd be that.
every gou he loves, together. chaotic, bickering, but together.]
I want us to be with them - but I'm also okay waiting with you until you're ready, because I know what I don't want is to ever leave you alone again.
[Sometimes he looks at Buzen like he has an ocean of things balanced on the tip of his tongue and he's a second away from letting it all spill, but he never does. This is one of those moments, where his silence is heavy and pointed, weighted further still by the potential reality they're facing.
Buzen already does too much for him, really. He's too kind. But that's just who he is, and it's just one of the many facets that make him up. Matsui loves each one, and would never change any of them.]
That's enough, then.
[That's all he needs to know, he means. He doesn't want an afterlife like this, with more of the same. If he's going to die, he wants his death alone to be enough of an atonement that he can let go of the albatross of life in its entirety, and not continue existing in this strange limbo.
So if Buzen's carrying a dream like that, then it can become his dream, too. A temporary dream, until he's finally done enough to settle the score.]
I won't make you wait, and I won't make them wait. If your dream is for all of us to be together someday, then I'll carry it with you.
[buzen isn't one for complicated emotions. he feels everything straightforwardly. and unlike other swords, he's willing to look at each feeling directly.
this one hurts a little though.]
... is this how you feel sometimes, Matsu?
[it's a little bit of a quiet question, like buzen himself is still puzzling it out. his brow furrows for a second again before he just laughs, expression turning sheepish.]
Like even if everything feels right, and that's what I want to hear, it's a little scary to believe in.
[as if this happiness is temporary, and something that they'll still lose. he knows that this is already a good answer from matsui, because it means that buzen's dream is more likely to come true - but only now is he starting to discover he wants a little more than this. he wants matsui to choose it for matsui's sake too.
buzen hums thoughtfully for a moment before a smile finds its way to his face.]
Well, I'll still believe in it. And in you. [because he doesn't know how to do anything else - and in the end, he is the type to turn his face toward the light] So believe in me too, okay?
[The last thing he wants is for Buzen to understand any of his feelings that intimately! Because the vast majority of them are strikingly unpleasant and burdensome and things that not even he himself wants to feel, let alone inflict on someone he loves so strongly.
With a hand, he reaches up carefully and lets his fingertips rest for a moment where the furrow had been at Buzen's brow.]
I'm sorry.
[For scaring him, essentially. For making him feel like he's walking on fragile ground. For not being able to do anything better than that.
Even though Buzen is smiling now, once again he's gotta smile enough for both of them because Matsui sure isn't, this dour little dumbass. But on the plus side, he can at least say his next words with full and total confidence:]
I'll always believe in you. You don't have to ask it of me. No world exists in which I wouldn't believe in you, Buzen.
[it's enough of a balm. buzen's expression relaxes further with the little press of matsui's fingers, and he can't help the touched expression on his face at his words. it's nice - to have someone believe in him, even when he's not sure sometimes if he exists. with a little sigh, he shifts just so that he can rest their foreheads against each other]
Then... believe me when I say that everything's gonna be okay, no matter what happens.
[if they return to life - even if they don't. swords break. it happens. even if buzen wants to go back to the gous, he's also never had any illusions that their story ends with them being separated, if only for everyone else to go to their museums and for him, kumo, and ame to -
well, who knows what'll happen to them?
it'd just be nice, if they didn't have to leave sooner rather than later.]
So you don't need to say sorry to me - ever. I just want you to have fun when we're together. Even if some things are still tough, and you don't want to talk about it... I want the happy moments to count for something too.
[It's difficult for Matsui to ever really enjoy anything in the fully present, full-bodied way that Buzen - or even most of the other Gous - can. But it feels like such a small ask in the face of everything. How can he do anything but say yes?
His eyes close, and he lets himself just feel Buzen's presence. The forehead against his own and the hand that he reaches for are both undoubtedly solid and warm, regardless of their state of being. And setting aside what may await them in the future... They're here together now, aren't they? It's not ideal. Buzen would rather be together with all of them, including their missing members. Matsui is constantly torn between wanting to spend just a little more time with them and wanting to die.
He guesses it makes little difference currently, though.]
...I believe you.
[Does he? Can he? He can at least say as much. He doesn't want to think on it too hard, or anxiety will start to eat away at him again and he won't be able to keep himself together.]
Please know, too, that I cherish every moment I have with you... When we're having fun, or when things are tough. The happy and the sad. The moments where I feel like saying sorry. All of it.
[He wishes that Buzen wasn't here with him, but Buzen is a big part of what gives his life meaning.]
[a little tiredly, but overall mostly fond. he lets matsui hold onto his hand, but he'll use his free one to go ahead and just wrap around him - pulling him into a hug. normally buzen offers and waits, but maybe this'll be his one act of selfishness. to pull matsui closer, when he worries that maybe the other will never actually bring himself to ask.]
I'd always take any second I can get with you, Matsu, even if things are rough - than any year without you.
So let's keep trying to get what moments we can, alright?
[though that does mean figuring out teams and whatnot.... well,]
Matsui freezes up for a fraction of a second, but he almost always takes the offers Buzen gives, so this is really no different. It feels more comfortable here than anywhere else. Maybe it's a little selfish, but if it's his to take, then he'll take it.]
Alright.
[Which is just a little muffled considering he's turned his face into Buzen. This death sucks!! Buzen deserves better!! He himself deserves arguably worse!! But if they're both going to be here, then he's going to allow himself that bit of selfishness.
But yeah. It sure does mean figuring out teams... It takes his brain a few moments to shift gears, but it's something he's been thinking of, anyway. Without pulling away just yet:]
...Buzen. Is there anyone else here that you would like to be on a team with?
[DON'T JUST CALL HIM OUT LIKE THIS DON'T DRAG HIS ASS HEEEEEELP.
Anyway.
This is so funny because Matsui can be so reserved around other people but so fucking brutal around the Gous. He's out there conversing politely with everyone and then turning around and telling Buzen they're freaks.]
One seemed excited when he confirmed that I've murdered people before. [FUCKING RANG.] Another attempted to assert that they understood you well enough to know where you would or wouldn't take naps.
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ANYWAY!! THEY HAVE THEIR SHARK NOW NO STEALING INVOLVED. Whether he's holding the shark or not, he's also holding Buzen's hand. They're fucking dead and he's not happy about various parts of this for various reasons, but having Buzen here in general has unfortunately healed his soul on a whole.]
The wrong afterlife? It doesn't seem correct, that much is true. [He doesn't even want eternal paradise he just wants to CEASE.]
--You don't recall anything, then?
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Nope. I remember Kotegiri's play - Den-san was really surprisingly good, wasn't he - and that's about it!
So I wonder how we ended up here...
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Except the tides of depression are TAKING HIM AWAY.]
I wonder, as well... If this is death, it's a far cry from what I had been anticipating.
[Like girl he doesn't even want to come back to life, he just doesn't want to be here tortured by the continued weight of consciousness.]
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reach over to muss up matsui's hair]
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Buzen—!
[HIS HAIR. His hands rise reflexively to try grabbing Buzen's stupid little paws.]
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but he'll try to rearrange some strands back into place, to clean up the mess he made]
Anticipate death a little less for me, okay?
Since I think it's pretty clear enough already that no matter what, I'll go where you go.
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Instead, with a quiet sort of sincerity and the gentlest of holds on the one hand he still has:]
I wish that you hadn't, this time.
[The others need their leader!! Moreover, if they're here together like this, he doesn't need to remember the details of whatever ended up breaking them. Surely he had something to do with it. It's another burden of guilt to carry.]
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How come?
[in the end, buzen is someone who has a hard time understanding things.]
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He tries to pare all of those complex reasons down to the core few.]
You don't deserve it. [To go where Matsui wants to go, or thinks he should go. OR BE DEAD IN GENERAL.] And you're still needed elsewhere.
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[and for buzen, it's that simple. sure, the other gous need him - but supposedly, right now, the other gous all have each other. it's a number thing. and ultimately, matsui is the one who is still in front of him and... well, buzen has a tendency to look straight ahead more than anything else.]
I've done what you've done. [he's spilled the same blood, walked the same shores, committed the same sins] So I deserve what you deserve.
And more than any of that - I'll always want to be next to you, Matsu. Life or death, heaven or hell.
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But, as with most things in his life, it's a weight that leaves him feeling miserable at the same time. He couldn't begin to articulate why they're so different even though Buzen walked the same path during those painful days, but it's something he feels strongly. He's always thought that if anyone needs to repent for anything, he would want to carry it alone. He's not the same sort of irreplaceable sun, whose presence would be starkly felt and missed. His heart isn't so wide and warm. He doesn't deserve what Buzen deserves, and Buzen doesn't deserve what he deserves.
Naturally he articulates none of this and just stares at Buzen with his stupid mournful haunted eyes.]
...What I want is for you to leave this place.
[It's not changing the past if they're winning their way back to life instead of preventing whatever caused their deaths right!!]
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[but buzen will stop fussing with matsui's hair, finally, to instead just let his hand smooth it back. he'll tuck some of matsui's hair behind his ear and then cup his cheek - not out of any sense of romance, exactly, but more just so that he can look at him clearly. matsui looks at him with stupid, mournful, haunted eyes - and buzen sees him exactly as he is. he doesn't pull back or look away.
he still looks at him with the same unyielding hope and affection.]
'Cause I'm not leaving without you. If you stay, I stay. If you go, I go. If you're here for the next thousand years before you change your mind and wanna see the others again - then that's my fate, too.
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He's too selfish to ever really run, though, in the same way that he's too selfish to say that if he's going to die, he doesn't want either of these things. He already burdens Buzen with too much.]
It would be unkind to keep them waiting for that long... [BINCH...... THEIR KOTEGIRI!!!! THE FURRIES (they have each other and they'll be fine) THE FURRIES!! Also fucking Kuwana he guesses.]
...What is it that you wish for? Remove me from the equation. I want to know. You would return, wouldn't you?
[Because, as usual, he'll defer to Buzen. The ideal that he wants for himself isn't even available, after all.]
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That's where I think you're not getting it, Matsu... If it's about what I want, I can't remove you from the equation. That just breaks the whole question. It's not about staying or returning, or being with them versus being with you.
It's all of us, together. I can be a little more patient 'cause we're still waiting for Ina and Tomo anyway, but... even if it's impossible, and if I were to want impossible things, it'd be all us Gous together.
[but buzen doesn't know if that's possible. he doesn't know if that timeline exists. maybe it doesn't. maybe that's his ridiculous dream - but he's honest with himself enough to say that if there's anything in this world that he could ask for, it'd be that.
every gou he loves, together. chaotic, bickering, but together.]
I want us to be with them - but I'm also okay waiting with you until you're ready, because I know what I don't want is to ever leave you alone again.
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Buzen already does too much for him, really. He's too kind. But that's just who he is, and it's just one of the many facets that make him up. Matsui loves each one, and would never change any of them.]
That's enough, then.
[That's all he needs to know, he means. He doesn't want an afterlife like this, with more of the same. If he's going to die, he wants his death alone to be enough of an atonement that he can let go of the albatross of life in its entirety, and not continue existing in this strange limbo.
So if Buzen's carrying a dream like that, then it can become his dream, too. A temporary dream, until he's finally done enough to settle the score.]
I won't make you wait, and I won't make them wait. If your dream is for all of us to be together someday, then I'll carry it with you.
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this one hurts a little though.]
... is this how you feel sometimes, Matsu?
[it's a little bit of a quiet question, like buzen himself is still puzzling it out. his brow furrows for a second again before he just laughs, expression turning sheepish.]
Like even if everything feels right, and that's what I want to hear, it's a little scary to believe in.
[as if this happiness is temporary, and something that they'll still lose. he knows that this is already a good answer from matsui, because it means that buzen's dream is more likely to come true - but only now is he starting to discover he wants a little more than this. he wants matsui to choose it for matsui's sake too.
buzen hums thoughtfully for a moment before a smile finds its way to his face.]
Well, I'll still believe in it. And in you. [because he doesn't know how to do anything else - and in the end, he is the type to turn his face toward the light] So believe in me too, okay?
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With a hand, he reaches up carefully and lets his fingertips rest for a moment where the furrow had been at Buzen's brow.]
I'm sorry.
[For scaring him, essentially. For making him feel like he's walking on fragile ground. For not being able to do anything better than that.
Even though Buzen is smiling now, once again he's gotta smile enough for both of them because Matsui sure isn't, this dour little dumbass. But on the plus side, he can at least say his next words with full and total confidence:]
I'll always believe in you. You don't have to ask it of me. No world exists in which I wouldn't believe in you, Buzen.
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Then... believe me when I say that everything's gonna be okay, no matter what happens.
[if they return to life - even if they don't. swords break. it happens. even if buzen wants to go back to the gous, he's also never had any illusions that their story ends with them being separated, if only for everyone else to go to their museums and for him, kumo, and ame to -
well, who knows what'll happen to them?
it'd just be nice, if they didn't have to leave sooner rather than later.]
So you don't need to say sorry to me - ever. I just want you to have fun when we're together. Even if some things are still tough, and you don't want to talk about it... I want the happy moments to count for something too.
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His eyes close, and he lets himself just feel Buzen's presence. The forehead against his own and the hand that he reaches for are both undoubtedly solid and warm, regardless of their state of being. And setting aside what may await them in the future... They're here together now, aren't they? It's not ideal. Buzen would rather be together with all of them, including their missing members. Matsui is constantly torn between wanting to spend just a little more time with them and wanting to die.
He guesses it makes little difference currently, though.]
...I believe you.
[Does he? Can he? He can at least say as much. He doesn't want to think on it too hard, or anxiety will start to eat away at him again and he won't be able to keep himself together.]
Please know, too, that I cherish every moment I have with you... When we're having fun, or when things are tough. The happy and the sad. The moments where I feel like saying sorry. All of it.
[He wishes that Buzen wasn't here with him, but Buzen is a big part of what gives his life meaning.]
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[a little tiredly, but overall mostly fond. he lets matsui hold onto his hand, but he'll use his free one to go ahead and just wrap around him - pulling him into a hug. normally buzen offers and waits, but maybe this'll be his one act of selfishness. to pull matsui closer, when he worries that maybe the other will never actually bring himself to ask.]
I'd always take any second I can get with you, Matsu, even if things are rough - than any year without you.
So let's keep trying to get what moments we can, alright?
[though that does mean figuring out teams and whatnot.... well,]
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Matsui freezes up for a fraction of a second, but he almost always takes the offers Buzen gives, so this is really no different. It feels more comfortable here than anywhere else. Maybe it's a little selfish, but if it's his to take, then he'll take it.]
Alright.
[Which is just a little muffled considering he's turned his face into Buzen. This death sucks!! Buzen deserves better!! He himself deserves arguably worse!! But if they're both going to be here, then he's going to allow himself that bit of selfishness.
But yeah. It sure does mean figuring out teams... It takes his brain a few moments to shift gears, but it's something he's been thinking of, anyway. Without pulling away just yet:]
...Buzen. Is there anyone else here that you would like to be on a team with?
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[a beat]
Oh wait, you said 'anyone else'... Mm...
[
a slightly confused noise?]
Anyone is probably good?
[matsui please save them]
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He does lean back a little at that, just so he can give Buzen a flat sort of look.]
"Anyone" is not good, probably. There are strange people here.
[Once again, the fucking wholeass audacity any time Matsui dares to call anyone else weird or strange.]
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[HE HAS TO SAY IT
HE HAS TO
HE'S SO FOND BUT ALSO SO AMUSED COME ON MATSU,]
What does that even mean?
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Anyway.
This is so funny because Matsui can be so reserved around other people but so fucking brutal around the Gous. He's out there conversing politely with everyone and then turning around and telling Buzen they're freaks.]
One seemed excited when he confirmed that I've murdered people before. [FUCKING RANG.] Another attempted to assert that they understood you well enough to know where you would or wouldn't take naps.
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