GUESS HE'S SITTING ON BUZEN'S LAP NOW THOUGH it's fine, it gives him the ability to look clearly without having to break his gaze. He reaches out with both hands so he can hold Buzen's face between them.]
Life is not fair. Death appears to be the same.
[HE'LL KILL RANG IF HE WANTS!!! But he's not about to jump to extremes, either. Not when Buzen's potential return hangs in the balance, and they still know so little about how things are meant to proceed and how everyone else will handle the erasures. Instead:]
If you break because of his choices, then I will kill him before I join you.
[Does this also screw D over?? Yeah! But they'd likely lose with only half of their members around to make points anyway, so he doesn't find it any particular loss.]
[buzen lets his face rest in matsui's hands, and he just sighs faintly. of course it feels like his gous always listen to him, except for the moments when it counts the most. he closes his eyes for a moment, thoughtful, as he lets his head tilt into matsui's palm.
well, it's not like he can say he's surprised.]
Sounds like a scary possible series of events.
[he says this, as if he wasn't the one to threaten it in the first place - and yet, when it feels like the most surefire way to keep someone from actively trying to erase others... isn't it also something that he and matsui can uniquely do?
when he opens his eyes, he meets matsui's gaze again - stubborn red against piercing blue.]
[Matsui really says "I love Buzen and I'll do anything he asks of me, except for these things that I don't want to do".
Buzen really DID SET THIS WHOLE CHAIN OFF but even though he disagrees with parts of it, it's not like he'd deny that it's a good tactic. Surely Rang wouldn't want to jeopardize things that quickly, or take a risk that grand - not when the outcome is inevitable and set in stone. It's reckless and self-endangering, but they are in a unique position to pull it off.
There's something he doesn't want to see in Buzen's eyes, though. After a moment or two of maintaining contact, his gaze drops and his own eyes close. The hands that had been holding Buzen's face falls to his shoulders instead.]
[in the end, seems like they have nothing but hope to buoy them.
buzen watches matsui for a long moment, trying to think of what to say - but can he really apologize? it would be a lie. and while buzen can lie, does lie, he doesn't like it. he thinks he'd hate lying to matsui and the gous most of all.
he'll twist the truth to plenty of others, but it doesn't feel right for them. so instead he swallows his guilt as best as he can and leans forward, letting his arms loop around matsui to hold him close in a hug.]
... for someone who says that they don't want to worry you - I do it a lot, huh?
[at least he can manage some self-awareness, sometimes.]
[It's easy, even when he's upset or angry, to let Buzen in - more than he lets others in, at least. He lets himself be pulled in, and he moves his hands so he can return the embrace and speak into Buzen's shoulder.]
You do.
[BINCH.
...]
But I know that I worry you, as well. [Even if he wishes he didn't, he sure can't stop himself from being a generally worrying person.] And even if you worry me, I still cherish the parts of you that do.
[Because they're all parts that together make up the Buzen he loves. Even the infuriating parts, and the parts that he maybe sometimes wishes he didn't have to confront - all of it, together as a coherent being. He could never in full earnest wish to change any part of Buzen, even if he sometimes wants to hit him with a table leg.]
[it's nice, to be known in his entirety like this. buzen doesn't think anyone knows him as well as the gous, and even among the gous, matsui shares such a special history with him. he sighs faintly even as he buries his face in matsui's hair for a brief moment.
these are the things they didn't get to experience as blades. hands to touch, and mouths to speak these sentiments that are at once new and ancient. he's always been ready to let go - always known that one day, all of this would come to an end. but it really is his most selfish hope that maybe they can enjoy it for just a little bit longer.
just a little bit.]
Worry's just the same feeling as caring, but in a different light, right?
[a simplistic understanding, but as true as buzen can hope to be.]
So I guess it just makes sense - with how much you care about me, and how much I care about you.
[There's a little huff of barely-there laughter at the simplistic but still undeniably true interpretation, and his shoulders rise just a little.]
It's unavoidable.
[But unlike most of the things he views as unavoidable in this life, it's something he's more than happy to live with. The weight of worrying for Buzen just means that Buzen is still here to worry over, and even though he's greedy and always asking for more, he can still feel satisfaction for that alone.]
...But if you make such threats in the future, I would at least like to know before, rather than after.
[typical buzen behavior. but he can figure that's fair, in a way. matsui had almost allowed himself to be broken before, when he was at his lowest. but would he threaten or barter his own life in a more coherent state of mind, knowing it could take him from buzen?
. . . the answer buzen comes to is still 'yeah, maybe.'
but it won't stop him from giving in to matsui's request. he hums, softly, before nodding.]
I'll let you know, even though... Well, I don't think there's anything else that could pull me away from you.
[if it's something like winning on the grounds of erasing people - no, buzen couldn't be satisfied with that. but just short of making buzen questioning his own reason for being, he knows where he's meant to be, and who he's meant to be with.]
You are always much faster than I can keep up with, Buzen.
[Which is, again, something that he also values and loves about Buzen. All the same, he'd be lying if he said it never frightened him even once. Sometimes you really feel the fear of god in this chilis when you think about how quickly your Buzen could slip through your fingers!!
Which is maybe why he reflexively holds him a little more tightly, as if he can prevent that.
(Truly hilarious, given Matsui is somehow the bigger flight risk between the two.)]
Thank you, though. We stay together no matter what happens, yes?
[Even without his depression he's not insane okay he doesn't think their team has the best chances of not being picked off. It's fine.]
Mm. [a soft, affirming noise.] As long as you want me, you got me, Matsu.
[that's the easiest thing in the world to promise.
buzen wants to go back to the other gous. even now, he holds onto his seemingly impossible dream of all of them together in one place. yet he also knows - if he were to make it without matsui, he would've already failed.]
Whether we win or lose... if we get all seven weeks together or - even just another day, I'd still try to take it, as long as we're together.
[THAT'S HIS BUZEN!!!!! Not even God can pry Buzen from his cold, dead hands, and if he tried Matsui would simply stop being Catholic.
The rest of that... He thinks it over for a few moments, quiet. One day, seven weeks, it's really all a blink to creatures as long-lived as they are. Even then...]
I don't believe one day or seven weeks would be enough to satisfy me.
laughs faintly at that - because it feels like another one of those things that's scary to believe in. he lets his face fall into the curve of matsui's shoulder for a moment as he tries to find what he wants to say.
when he finds his voice, he settles for the truth:]
I want to give you forever. I would, if you'd let me.
[it just feels like some days matsui won't let him. when the pull of something else could still be stronger.]
[It's easier to want to say that he'd stay with Buzen forever too in moments like this, where he's all wrapped up in his warmth and the cold comfort of death doesn't seem quite as comforting as usual.
Still, he knows himself. He's greedy and always wanting for more, more of his time, more of his heart and laughter, more of his touch. But not even Buzen, not even his beautiful and precious Buzen, is enough to keep him anchored when the riptide of his despair has its deepest hold on him. It wasn't Buzen who stopped him from allowing himself to break, after all.
He doesn't know what to say in the face of such open and painful honesty, so he doesn't say anything, at least not yet. He just lets himself settle into Buzen, listening to his pulse and picturing the blood traveling just below his skin.]
the smile that slips across his mouth is a little rueful, but it is nonetheless fond. so typical of matsui to still keep parts of his heart and mind locked away from even buzen. and yet all buzen can do is adjust his hold to make the positioning comfortable for matsui, so that all of their lopsided pieces align.
he doesn't push for an answer - for things as heavy as this, he never does. all that's important to him is - ]
As long as you know.
[as long as matsui knows just how much he's cared for, that's all buzen could want.]
[There's a part of him that maybe feels a little guilty for being this way in the face of Buzen's wide heart and acceptance and love, but he feels so much guilt for so many things that it hardly stands out. He just nods, somewhat stilting, against Buzen's shoulder.]
I know. I do know.
[But this is about all he can do in return, which fits the trend of his general existence. A little shy of being anything meaningful.
Buzen affords him too much kindness. He wishes he could give more, or better, or differently.]
I never forget.
[What Buzen would be willing to give him, if he allowed it. But he can't and he won't, so pale gratitude is all he can really manage.]
[then I hope one day it means enough to make a difference.
it sits on the flat of buzen's tongue right before he swallows the sentiment whole, gulping it down before it runs any risk of hurting matsui with the weight of expectation. that's not what buzen wants. speaking his own hopes will, ironically, only bring him further away from what he cherishes so deeply: matsui's comfort.
so instead he's quiet in turn, rubbing matsui's back in a soothing, comforting gesture. he hums softly in acknowledgement.]
[thinking about how kuwana is the only one who pushes matsui's comfort and he gets all of matsui's murderous intent for it
He isn't fully satisfied with leaving things like this, but he doesn't feel like he could add anything meaningful, anyway. He doesn't feel like anything he has to offer would really be good enough. He can't ever really be good enough.
But he's already weighed down the atmosphere and their discussion enough, he thinks, so he just gives Buzen a squeeze from where he holds him round the middle. After a few beats of silence:]
[THIS IS WHY HE LOVES HIS STUPID BEAUTIFUL BUZEN!! He just presses his face into the side of Buzen's neck for a moment and doesn't fucking explain anything as usual.]
It's lively, like you. Listening to it is a comfort.
[It soothes his little anxious chihuahua heart, even if it can't cure him of his deep well of depression.]
[HE'S SO MUCH LESS CONVINCED ABOUT BLOOD TALK!!! HE'LL PROMISE TO BE WITH MATSUI FOREVER BUT THEN HE'S LIKE 'I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY BLOOD IS DOING'!!! truly just stupid and beautiful.
he'll bring up a hand to patpat his matsui's hair since he's all comfy.....]
[He really is just head empty heart full... Once again Matsui is temporarily rescued from the mires of his own depression by Buzen being Buzen, even if this is exactly why they're never going to get anywhere. FUCKING HELP!!!!!]
I would want to listen all of the time, then...
[Imagine if he was just like "let's simply skip the murdergame and stay in my nice comfortable coffin in the blood warehouse for seven weeks".]
[HE REALLY SAYS NO PUSHING OR TOO MUCH PUSHING AND NO IN BETWEEN, ALSO THAT HE WON'T DO ANY OF THE PUSHING HIMSELF, DAMN.]
Hah... I wasn't speaking seriously, Buzen.
[That'd be too selfish, he can't take up that much of Buzen's time, HE THINKS TO HIMSELF AS HE TAKES UP SO MUCH OF BUZEN'S TIME AND SPENDS LIKE 90% OF HIS FREE TIME IN BUZEN'S VICINITY.]
[HE SHOULD BELIEVE IT. MATSUI WOULD. HE FUCKIN WOULD!!]
I'm happy just with these moments.
[Being able to sleep right next to Buzen in their stupid sleeping bag is also enough to tide him over, he probably often falls asleep listening to Buzen's pulse because he doesn't have enough room to coffin pose.]
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GUESS HE'S SITTING ON BUZEN'S LAP NOW THOUGH it's fine, it gives him the ability to look clearly without having to break his gaze. He reaches out with both hands so he can hold Buzen's face between them.]
Life is not fair. Death appears to be the same.
[HE'LL KILL RANG IF HE WANTS!!! But he's not about to jump to extremes, either. Not when Buzen's potential return hangs in the balance, and they still know so little about how things are meant to proceed and how everyone else will handle the erasures. Instead:]
If you break because of his choices, then I will kill him before I join you.
[Does this also screw D over?? Yeah! But they'd likely lose with only half of their members around to make points anyway, so he doesn't find it any particular loss.]
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well, it's not like he can say he's surprised.]
Sounds like a scary possible series of events.
[he says this, as if he wasn't the one to threaten it in the first place - and yet, when it feels like the most surefire way to keep someone from actively trying to erase others... isn't it also something that he and matsui can uniquely do?
when he opens his eyes, he meets matsui's gaze again - stubborn red against piercing blue.]
Let's hope it doesn't come to that, huh?
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Buzen really DID SET THIS WHOLE CHAIN OFF but even though he disagrees with parts of it, it's not like he'd deny that it's a good tactic. Surely Rang wouldn't want to jeopardize things that quickly, or take a risk that grand - not when the outcome is inevitable and set in stone. It's reckless and self-endangering, but they are in a unique position to pull it off.
There's something he doesn't want to see in Buzen's eyes, though. After a moment or two of maintaining contact, his gaze drops and his own eyes close. The hands that had been holding Buzen's face falls to his shoulders instead.]
I think even Rang is wiser than that.
[Let's hope, indeed.]
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buzen watches matsui for a long moment, trying to think of what to say - but can he really apologize? it would be a lie. and while buzen can lie, does lie, he doesn't like it. he thinks he'd hate lying to matsui and the gous most of all.
he'll twist the truth to plenty of others, but it doesn't feel right for them. so instead he swallows his guilt as best as he can and leans forward, letting his arms loop around matsui to hold him close in a hug.]
... for someone who says that they don't want to worry you - I do it a lot, huh?
[at least he can manage some self-awareness, sometimes.]
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You do.
[BINCH.
...]
But I know that I worry you, as well. [Even if he wishes he didn't, he sure can't stop himself from being a generally worrying person.] And even if you worry me, I still cherish the parts of you that do.
[Because they're all parts that together make up the Buzen he loves. Even the infuriating parts, and the parts that he maybe sometimes wishes he didn't have to confront - all of it, together as a coherent being. He could never in full earnest wish to change any part of Buzen, even if he sometimes wants to hit him with a table leg.]
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these are the things they didn't get to experience as blades. hands to touch, and mouths to speak these sentiments that are at once new and ancient. he's always been ready to let go - always known that one day, all of this would come to an end. but it really is his most selfish hope that maybe they can enjoy it for just a little bit longer.
just a little bit.]
Worry's just the same feeling as caring, but in a different light, right?
[a simplistic understanding, but as true as buzen can hope to be.]
So I guess it just makes sense - with how much you care about me, and how much I care about you.
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It's unavoidable.
[But unlike most of the things he views as unavoidable in this life, it's something he's more than happy to live with. The weight of worrying for Buzen just means that Buzen is still here to worry over, and even though he's greedy and always asking for more, he can still feel satisfaction for that alone.]
...But if you make such threats in the future, I would at least like to know before, rather than after.
[Please his heart can't take it.]
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[typical buzen behavior. but he can figure that's fair, in a way. matsui had almost allowed himself to be broken before, when he was at his lowest. but would he threaten or barter his own life in a more coherent state of mind, knowing it could take him from buzen?
. . . the answer buzen comes to is still 'yeah, maybe.'
but it won't stop him from giving in to matsui's request. he hums, softly, before nodding.]
I'll let you know, even though... Well, I don't think there's anything else that could pull me away from you.
[if it's something like winning on the grounds of erasing people - no, buzen couldn't be satisfied with that. but just short of making buzen questioning his own reason for being, he knows where he's meant to be, and who he's meant to be with.]
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[Which is, again, something that he also values and loves about Buzen. All the same, he'd be lying if he said it never frightened him even once. Sometimes you really feel the fear of god in this chilis when you think about how quickly your Buzen could slip through your fingers!!
Which is maybe why he reflexively holds him a little more tightly, as if he can prevent that.
(Truly hilarious, given Matsui is somehow the bigger flight risk between the two.)]
Thank you, though. We stay together no matter what happens, yes?
[Even without his depression he's not insane okay he doesn't think their team has the best chances of not being picked off. It's fine.]
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[that's the easiest thing in the world to promise.
buzen wants to go back to the other gous. even now, he holds onto his seemingly impossible dream of all of them together in one place. yet he also knows - if he were to make it without matsui, he would've already failed.]
Whether we win or lose... if we get all seven weeks together or - even just another day, I'd still try to take it, as long as we're together.
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[THAT'S HIS BUZEN!!!!! Not even God can pry Buzen from his cold, dead hands, and if he tried Matsui would simply stop being Catholic.
The rest of that... He thinks it over for a few moments, quiet. One day, seven weeks, it's really all a blink to creatures as long-lived as they are. Even then...]
I don't believe one day or seven weeks would be enough to satisfy me.
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laughs faintly at that - because it feels like another one of those things that's scary to believe in. he lets his face fall into the curve of matsui's shoulder for a moment as he tries to find what he wants to say.
when he finds his voice, he settles for the truth:]
I want to give you forever. I would, if you'd let me.
[it just feels like some days matsui won't let him. when the pull of something else could still be stronger.]
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Still, he knows himself. He's greedy and always wanting for more, more of his time, more of his heart and laughter, more of his touch. But not even Buzen, not even his beautiful and precious Buzen, is enough to keep him anchored when the riptide of his despair has its deepest hold on him. It wasn't Buzen who stopped him from allowing himself to break, after all.
He doesn't know what to say in the face of such open and painful honesty, so he doesn't say anything, at least not yet. He just lets himself settle into Buzen, listening to his pulse and picturing the blood traveling just below his skin.]
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that's about what he expected.
the smile that slips across his mouth is a little rueful, but it is nonetheless fond. so typical of matsui to still keep parts of his heart and mind locked away from even buzen. and yet all buzen can do is adjust his hold to make the positioning comfortable for matsui, so that all of their lopsided pieces align.
he doesn't push for an answer - for things as heavy as this, he never does. all that's important to him is - ]
As long as you know.
[as long as matsui knows just how much he's cared for, that's all buzen could want.]
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I know. I do know.
[But this is about all he can do in return, which fits the trend of his general existence. A little shy of being anything meaningful.
Buzen affords him too much kindness. He wishes he could give more, or better, or differently.]
I never forget.
[What Buzen would be willing to give him, if he allowed it. But he can't and he won't, so pale gratitude is all he can really manage.]
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it sits on the flat of buzen's tongue right before he swallows the sentiment whole, gulping it down before it runs any risk of hurting matsui with the weight of expectation. that's not what buzen wants. speaking his own hopes will, ironically, only bring him further away from what he cherishes so deeply: matsui's comfort.
so instead he's quiet in turn, rubbing matsui's back in a soothing, comforting gesture. he hums softly in acknowledgement.]
Good. Then that's enough for me.
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He isn't fully satisfied with leaving things like this, but he doesn't feel like he could add anything meaningful, anyway. He doesn't feel like anything he has to offer would really be good enough. He can't ever really be good enough.
But he's already weighed down the atmosphere and their discussion enough, he thinks, so he just gives Buzen a squeeze from where he holds him round the middle. After a few beats of silence:]
--Your blood sounds healthy today.
[Thanks SIR!!!!!]
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[the speed at which he responds with something STUPID even when his matsui is all comfortable in his lap. unbelievable.]
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It's lively, like you. Listening to it is a comfort.
[It soothes his little anxious chihuahua heart, even if it can't cure him of his deep well of depression.]
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[HE'S SO MUCH LESS CONVINCED ABOUT BLOOD TALK!!! HE'LL PROMISE TO BE WITH MATSUI FOREVER BUT THEN HE'S LIKE 'I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY BLOOD IS DOING'!!! truly just stupid and beautiful.
he'll bring up a hand to patpat his matsui's hair since he's all comfy.....]
I guess you can listen whenever you want...
[it's not like seeing it so...]
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I would want to listen all of the time, then...
[Imagine if he was just like "let's simply skip the murdergame and stay in my nice comfortable coffin in the blood warehouse for seven weeks".]
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.... most of the time might be okay? I still want to go running...
[and he can't do that with matsui attached to him.....
can he?]
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Hah... I wasn't speaking seriously, Buzen.
[That'd be too selfish, he can't take up that much of Buzen's time, HE THINKS TO HIMSELF AS HE TAKES UP SO MUCH OF BUZEN'S TIME AND SPENDS LIKE 90% OF HIS FREE TIME IN BUZEN'S VICINITY.]
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[THAT HE JUST
WANTS TO LISTEN TO BUZEN'S BLOOD AND HE'S SO OBSESSIVE (ABOUT BLOOD ONLY, CLEARLY) THAT BUZEN BELIEVED IT
wow.....]
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I'm happy just with these moments.
[Being able to sleep right next to Buzen in their stupid sleeping bag is also enough to tide him over, he probably often falls asleep listening to Buzen's pulse because he doesn't have enough room to coffin pose.]
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