.... I feel like I have to say it. I don't want to make you think I don't - regret it.
[regret history, or what became of him. it's one of the few things buzen does feel regret over, even knowing it's entirely out of his hands. but when matsui is constantly on the precipice, on the very edge of leaving... buzen at least doesn't want him to think that buzen would ever willingly go first.]
[He knows that Buzen knows, but he still has to say it:]
It isn't your fault.
[It's not his fault, what happened. Here, today, or at any point in the past - none of it is his fault, even if he of all swords knows what it feels like to harbor guilt over things you had no control of. He leans back a little so he can reach up, gently stroking the side of Buzen's face in what he hopes is a comforting gesture. He's never been very good at those.]
...And I know.
[He's not playing to win, frankly. He's just playing for those last few minutes, hours, days, weeks that he'll get to share with Buzen. And if Buzen is untethered for a part of it, then all he can do is provide an anchor point and wait. Waiting is hard, but it's not the hardest.
He doesn't talk about how it truly frightens him, when he looks at Buzen's face and sees no recognition, or when he takes so long to reply, like he's listening to the words spoken to him from a million miles away. He doesn't mention how his mind races, chasing itself into anxious spirals and what-ifs - what if this is it? He's selfish enough to want to be the first to leave, but not so selfish that he'd burden Buzen with these feelings.]
buzen knows that this isn't something he can help. this is history, and they can't change history - including what's been lost to it. what humans choose to remember and treasure, what they keep close, and what they imagine in the empty spaces that once were. for so many, buzen is only that: an imagined existence.
but he feels real - when matsui holds onto him like this, and when buzen gets to hold him in turn. when a hand comes up to his face, he turns into it automatically and his expression warms.]
... you make me feel real, Matsu. Thanks for waiting for me.
Matsui's stupid little heart is seized by warmth and fondness, though, because he really does love Buzen so very, very much. Anything he can do to make his life better, easier, more welcoming, more pleasant, happier, brighter - even if he's not the sort of person who can manage such things, he'll try like hell. In all cases but one, at least.
For now, he just smiles - that brief little flicker of one, which still carries so much of his adoration in it.]
You didn't keep me waiting long.
[To try to ease any of that guilt that he can. Four hours is still enough to send him into an internal panic but NO ONE NEEDS TO KNOW!! It's a drop in the bucket, anyway. On his good days, he would be willing to wait for Buzen forever.]
[a soft, affirming noise and he'll just nuzzle briefly into matsui's palm before opening his eyes and meeting his gaze with a fond gaze.]
Yeah. Which is good, because I was getting tired of feeling like you're too far away. I hate that the most, you know?
[and then he'll just lean over to nuzzle his face against matsui's, just to prove a point. it's touch week, but buzen is truly already so tactile all the time! this has just made him into such a cuddle monster it's funny.]
[HE IS A CUDDLE MONSTER AND IT'S MADE MATSUI TOO BUZEN GREEDY!! THIS IS A NIGHTMARE!!! IT'S WEEK 0!!!! THEY'RE STILL NOT GOING TO END UP SUCCEEDING IN SAILING A SHIP!!!!
But at least Matsui is satisfied even with just this, because he's a simple sword at heart. He folds Buzen up into his arms and cuddles into him for a moment, and this is normally where he'd breathe in his familiar smell but they probably all smell like burger grease by now.]
You don't have to. [THEY HAVE TO EAT. Maybe he wants to be greedy for another few seconds, though. Just to show Buzen that he's not too far away anymore.]
...But it's important for you to keep your blood sugar level even.
but buzen just laughs at that - and he's still not letting go. okay. instead he just matches matsui, cuddle for cuddle. this gou snuggle pile is disgusting. so is what buzen says next.]
[YEAH!!!!! I FUCKING HATE IT HERE SO BAD. THIS IS SO TERRIBLE THEY'RE STANDING RIGHT OUTSIDE OF THE MCDONALDS imagine leaving from your first trial in a depressed tizzy and you almost crash right into two swords that are having a cuddlefest right out the door.]
I can't go like this, Buzen...
[LITERALLY. But also he doesn't want to. THEY'RE BOTH SO FUCKING STUPID.]
[buzen disassociated and he literally was like you know what will solve my existential crisis. cuddling matsui until we both stop being sad about it. it seems to have worked.
[HOW DID THIS SAVE ANYTHING THEY'RE STILL IN PHYSICAL CONTAAAAAACT
Anyway they may roughly be the same height but Matsui weighs less so this is probably unfortunately doable, even if he yelps at being lifted so suddenly.]
Buzen—!
[CLUTCHING HIM. DO NOT DROP. Or do because that would also be hilarious.]
Can I make healthy blood tomorrow? I'm wiped today.
[he just wants SUGAR, matsu. but also i hate this i guess he'll go to find a table buT HE DOESN'T WANT TO LOSE
he like ALMOST puts matsui down in a chair to deposit him before realizing that would be his LOSS so he just picks him up again.... and then puts matsui in his lap
[i hate it here so bad. WELL. HE'S NOT ABOUT TO MOVE. He's not even competing in any way at this point, he's truly just vibin in comfort. He shifts as Buzen settles so that he can just tuck himself against Buzen and also like kinda sorta try to give him some room to eat??? HELP????]
If you must.
[Your BLOOD, BUZEN!!! He says this like he's so put-upon, why is he such a freak.]
[this is so stupid they are boyfriend behavior but in all the worst ways. buzen is just going to start tearing into this cinnamon roll because his sweet tooth is so much.
he will also tear off a very tiny piece with less sugar and offer it to matsui to eat. have some.]
... how are you feeling about the rest of today, Matsu?
[IT TOOK US SO LONG JUST TO GET THEM TO TALK ABOUT THISSSSS]
[They really just had to be so fucking stupid first I SAY AS IF THEY AREN'T STILL BEING STUPID. Matsui will eat this tiny less sugary piece of cinnamon roll that he's offered and chew it thoughtfully while he considers the Everything. Just. The Everything.]
...On a whole? It isn't far from what I was expecting.
[Being pessimistic and nihilistic really does save a person a lot of grief and headache in these kinds of situations! For better or for worse!]
[He's really going to be contemplating blood and the weight of human sin while sitting comfortably and stupidly in Buzen's lap.]
...At the very least, it seems that we'll be able to move past the stage where people believe they're prepared but aren't.
[Matsui out here like "so many of you punks were saying you'd be ready for what's ahead but I KNOW BETTER!!!" and then he was right and he's not surprised.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[regret history, or what became of him. it's one of the few things buzen does feel regret over, even knowing it's entirely out of his hands. but when matsui is constantly on the precipice, on the very edge of leaving... buzen at least doesn't want him to think that buzen would ever willingly go first.]
I'm glad to be here. I'm always glad to be here.
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It isn't your fault.
[It's not his fault, what happened. Here, today, or at any point in the past - none of it is his fault, even if he of all swords knows what it feels like to harbor guilt over things you had no control of. He leans back a little so he can reach up, gently stroking the side of Buzen's face in what he hopes is a comforting gesture. He's never been very good at those.]
...And I know.
[He's not playing to win, frankly. He's just playing for those last few minutes, hours, days, weeks that he'll get to share with Buzen. And if Buzen is untethered for a part of it, then all he can do is provide an anchor point and wait. Waiting is hard, but it's not the hardest.
He doesn't talk about how it truly frightens him, when he looks at Buzen's face and sees no recognition, or when he takes so long to reply, like he's listening to the words spoken to him from a million miles away. He doesn't mention how his mind races, chasing itself into anxious spirals and what-ifs - what if this is it? He's selfish enough to want to be the first to leave, but not so selfish that he'd burden Buzen with these feelings.]
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buzen knows that this isn't something he can help. this is history, and they can't change history - including what's been lost to it. what humans choose to remember and treasure, what they keep close, and what they imagine in the empty spaces that once were. for so many, buzen is only that: an imagined existence.
but he feels real - when matsui holds onto him like this, and when buzen gets to hold him in turn. when a hand comes up to his face, he turns into it automatically and his expression warms.]
... you make me feel real, Matsu. Thanks for waiting for me.
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Matsui's stupid little heart is seized by warmth and fondness, though, because he really does love Buzen so very, very much. Anything he can do to make his life better, easier, more welcoming, more pleasant, happier, brighter - even if he's not the sort of person who can manage such things, he'll try like hell. In all cases but one, at least.
For now, he just smiles - that brief little flicker of one, which still carries so much of his adoration in it.]
You didn't keep me waiting long.
[To try to ease any of that guilt that he can. Four hours is still enough to send him into an internal panic but NO ONE NEEDS TO KNOW!! It's a drop in the bucket, anyway. On his good days, he would be willing to wait for Buzen forever.]
You're feeling all connected again, though...?
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Yeah. Which is good, because I was getting tired of feeling like you're too far away. I hate that the most, you know?
[and then he'll just lean over to nuzzle his face against matsui's, just to prove a point. it's touch week, but buzen is truly already so tactile all the time! this has just made him into such a cuddle monster it's funny.]
Guess I should let you go so we can eat, though.
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But at least Matsui is satisfied even with just this, because he's a simple sword at heart. He folds Buzen up into his arms and cuddles into him for a moment, and this is normally where he'd breathe in his familiar smell but they probably all smell like burger grease by now.]
You don't have to. [THEY HAVE TO EAT. Maybe he wants to be greedy for another few seconds, though. Just to show Buzen that he's not too far away anymore.]
...But it's important for you to keep your blood sugar level even.
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but buzen just laughs at that - and he's still not letting go. okay. instead he just matches matsui, cuddle for cuddle. this gou snuggle pile is disgusting. so is what buzen says next.]
I'll go when you go.
[(infatuated voice) haha noooo you hang up first]
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I can't go like this, Buzen...
[LITERALLY. But also he doesn't want to. THEY'RE BOTH SO FUCKING STUPID.]
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also he's just gonna keep teasing - ]
Just let go first.
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I don't want to.
[HEEEEEEELP SOMEONE KILL THEM BOTH. ACTUALLY ONLY KILL ONE OF THEM BECAUSE IF THEY BOTH GO TO THE GRAVEYARD IT'S JUST GOING TO KEEP BEING THIS.]
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anyway]
Well I won't—
[saves us by having buzen's stomach rumble. he's actually hungry.]
Oh... Hmm....
[ . . . .
what if he just
picks matsui up?]
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Anyway they may roughly be the same height but Matsui weighs less so this is probably unfortunately doable, even if he yelps at being lifted so suddenly.]
Buzen—!
[CLUTCHING HIM. DO NOT DROP. Or do because that would also be hilarious.]
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but buzen is just laughing now, powered by gremlin behavior]
Okay Matsu, I solved it!
[DID HE? he's going to start walking now, stupidly]
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But this is going to happen HE GUESSES. He huffs but otherwise curls into Buzen as he starts walking.]
You can't solve everything by carrying me...
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[now he's competitive,]
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Hm... [The faux-consideration of it all.] You're comfortable enough. This is acceptable.
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Yeah? Alright, then I'll call that good enough.
[OFF THEY GO TO IKEA LIKE THIS. I GUESS!!!!! matsui has to pick up their cinnamon roll order because buzen still isn't pUTTING HIM DOWN IG]
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You should eat something more than sugar when you get the chance, too. You can't make healthy blood with this alone.
[Gentle chiding from the vampire in Buzen's arms.]
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[he just wants SUGAR, matsu. but also i hate this i guess he'll go to find a table buT HE DOESN'T WANT TO LOSE
he like ALMOST puts matsui down in a chair to deposit him before realizing that would be his LOSS so he just picks him up again.... and then puts matsui in his lap
i hate it here]
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If you must.
[Your BLOOD, BUZEN!!! He says this like he's so put-upon, why is he such a freak.]
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he will also tear off a very tiny piece with less sugar and offer it to matsui to eat. have some.]
... how are you feeling about the rest of today, Matsu?
[IT TOOK US SO LONG JUST TO GET THEM TO TALK ABOUT THISSSSS]
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...On a whole? It isn't far from what I was expecting.
[Being pessimistic and nihilistic really does save a person a lot of grief and headache in these kinds of situations! For better or for worse!]
What did you think?
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[unlike matsui, he walked in just waiting for the next surprise - and there was a lot of them!]
... things still took me off-guard somehow though.
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...At the very least, it seems that we'll be able to move past the stage where people believe they're prepared but aren't.
[Matsui out here like "so many of you punks were saying you'd be ready for what's ahead but I KNOW BETTER!!!" and then he was right and he's not surprised.]
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It was probably easier to put on the face - I doubt they even wanted to admit to themselves that they weren’t ready…
It’s probably something they see as a weakness.
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