[Buzen has a knack for both being the most boyfriend-shaped creature in the world and also being the fastest person to put his foot in his mouth. Matsui's quiet for a second but he will eventually wiggle his way out of this embrace a little.]
[?????? the way matsui will feel some resistance because buzen doesn't want to let go - before he realizes that matsui actually wants out and then he lets go for real
[DON'T POUT ABOUT IT... He's fucking weak so he immediately reaches for Buzen's hand again.]
Mostly. Good surprises are rare.
[And he dislikes being caught off his guard in general... Also Tsurumaru connotations but it's fine it's fine, he's trying to build things back up again after An Undefined Amount Of Time Of Avoiding Tsuru.]
but he laughs then, pleased. he’ll lead matsui over to the closest chair - it’s a selfie building so i googled red loveseat and some of the first results were these extremely Extra velvet daybeds so that’s what it is, i guess.
[What he WANTS is to sit on this dramatic velvet daybed apparently, curling up comfortably and settling his head in Buzen's lap. There are so few things to be glad about in this continued cursed existence, but this is definitely one of them... He immediately seems notably more comfortable.]
There are other things to concern ourselves with, in any case...
[there they are then, just occupying this red room as if it's theirs. buzen will let matsui rest against him, and run his fingers through his hair lightly.]
[What if he just took a nap here instead of doing anything productive WHAT THEN!! Tragically, he can't sleep even if he's comfortable, because the weight of the topic at hand is pretty gnarly.]
[damn matsui you're really bringing down the cuddle thread with this,
but buzen will just look a bit more serious at that, even though his fingers don't stop running through matsui's hair]
Hmm.... Rang-san will probably get fingers pointed at him pretty fast, if he's not the one who actually did it.
[buzen is hopeful that maybe rang no longer wants to kill people but, you know,]
I think that if he does kill a lot of humans just to try to win though - we'll have to make sure he loses. That's the least we can do for our own team.
But that's about where he's at and what he expected from Buzen, anyway. At least in terms of Rang in specific. It is not, of course, where all of his concerns about erasures lie - but he doesn't have to voice those.]
Some have already told me that they believe Rang wouldn't act as quickly as he made it sound.
[Which will be good for Rang because he's going to be getting so much heat already THE FOOL... Also he finds it hilarious on a personal spiteful level that people see through Rang's stupid tsun behavior so quickly. Die.]
...So I hope that we will not have to take action against him.
[Not because he likes Rang but for other reasons.]
Mm. I don't think he will, or we will - not that soon anyway. [buzen is a little confident about it, but only because he's already talked about rang about the matter. after they locked it in. because sometimes buzen lies a little, but that's just what admiring tsurumaru does to you.
he'll move to tuck matsui's hair behind his ear in an idle little motion.]
I told him - that if he makes me mad enough, I'll just let someone from another team break me so they get the points, and then we'll lose.
[which he says a little too casually, before his expression does turn a little faraway and thoughtful. he closes his eyes, and a more guilty look crosses his face.]
... I just hate risking you in all that.
[because buzen has no illusions that if he dies, matsui will follow - which will really hammer in that rang won't get to win. it makes for an even more effective threat, really.
but if buzen had his way, he'd be the only one to go.]
[The way Matsui makes a lot of terrible snap decisions in this one moment and vocalizes none of them.
He does, however, immediately shift because WHAT'S HE SUPPOSED TO DO, JUST KEEP LOUNGING IN BUZEN'S LAP ON HEARING THAT?? Hilariously he's also immediately furious with Rang about this as opposed to shaking Buzen down, but he'll still do a little of that too, it's fine. RANG REALLY DID NOTHING IN THIS INSTANCE BUT HE'S GOING TO GO KILL HIM LATER.
Anyway he's like half-twisted, propping himself up with one arm so he can look at Buzen LOOK HIM DEAD IN THE EYE from uncomfortably close.]
Don't speak so lightly of such matters.
[He could never speak coldly to Buzen, but there's a thread of something icy in his tone. Fear, maybe. It's hypocritical of him - he doesn't care. He can't stand hearing Buzen speak like this about himself. He loves Buzen more than he can manage, but it's infuriating to him that he can't seem to see how important he is, how crucial, the way that he's the sun set directly in the center of their solar system.
A world without Matsui is fine. Preferable, even. A world without Buzen is hardly worth the time it takes to breathe.]
...We will see to it that he doesn't do anything to make you that angry.
for some reason, buzen didn't expect that. he can tell he's made matsui a bit angry, though he's still trying to puzzle out the reason why - the confusion is clear in his gaze. when matsui twists to prop himself up with one arm, buzen just huffs out a breath of amusement. he'll keep his arms around matsui's waist to help him, just shifting him so that he's just perched entirely on buzen's lap now as opposed to having to hold himself up.
but he'll meet his gaze and says:] Don't kill him, Matsu. That's not fair either.
[it's funny, because buzen wouldn't have even though this a possible path. but rang was the one who said it.
'you know, it'd be easier if you just killed me.'
but buzen doesn't think that's right. he doesn't want that. not if there's a chance rang might not even deserve it, all the traits of a lying fox with none of the bite. and maybe it's a mistake for him to think this, a little too trusting and optimistic despite everything that he's seen... but jumping to conclusions, killing people over anything at all -
that's the part of humanity he hates the most. it'd be nice, he thinks, if they can choose something else.]
GUESS HE'S SITTING ON BUZEN'S LAP NOW THOUGH it's fine, it gives him the ability to look clearly without having to break his gaze. He reaches out with both hands so he can hold Buzen's face between them.]
Life is not fair. Death appears to be the same.
[HE'LL KILL RANG IF HE WANTS!!! But he's not about to jump to extremes, either. Not when Buzen's potential return hangs in the balance, and they still know so little about how things are meant to proceed and how everyone else will handle the erasures. Instead:]
If you break because of his choices, then I will kill him before I join you.
[Does this also screw D over?? Yeah! But they'd likely lose with only half of their members around to make points anyway, so he doesn't find it any particular loss.]
[buzen lets his face rest in matsui's hands, and he just sighs faintly. of course it feels like his gous always listen to him, except for the moments when it counts the most. he closes his eyes for a moment, thoughtful, as he lets his head tilt into matsui's palm.
well, it's not like he can say he's surprised.]
Sounds like a scary possible series of events.
[he says this, as if he wasn't the one to threaten it in the first place - and yet, when it feels like the most surefire way to keep someone from actively trying to erase others... isn't it also something that he and matsui can uniquely do?
when he opens his eyes, he meets matsui's gaze again - stubborn red against piercing blue.]
[Matsui really says "I love Buzen and I'll do anything he asks of me, except for these things that I don't want to do".
Buzen really DID SET THIS WHOLE CHAIN OFF but even though he disagrees with parts of it, it's not like he'd deny that it's a good tactic. Surely Rang wouldn't want to jeopardize things that quickly, or take a risk that grand - not when the outcome is inevitable and set in stone. It's reckless and self-endangering, but they are in a unique position to pull it off.
There's something he doesn't want to see in Buzen's eyes, though. After a moment or two of maintaining contact, his gaze drops and his own eyes close. The hands that had been holding Buzen's face falls to his shoulders instead.]
[in the end, seems like they have nothing but hope to buoy them.
buzen watches matsui for a long moment, trying to think of what to say - but can he really apologize? it would be a lie. and while buzen can lie, does lie, he doesn't like it. he thinks he'd hate lying to matsui and the gous most of all.
he'll twist the truth to plenty of others, but it doesn't feel right for them. so instead he swallows his guilt as best as he can and leans forward, letting his arms loop around matsui to hold him close in a hug.]
... for someone who says that they don't want to worry you - I do it a lot, huh?
[at least he can manage some self-awareness, sometimes.]
[It's easy, even when he's upset or angry, to let Buzen in - more than he lets others in, at least. He lets himself be pulled in, and he moves his hands so he can return the embrace and speak into Buzen's shoulder.]
You do.
[BINCH.
...]
But I know that I worry you, as well. [Even if he wishes he didn't, he sure can't stop himself from being a generally worrying person.] And even if you worry me, I still cherish the parts of you that do.
[Because they're all parts that together make up the Buzen he loves. Even the infuriating parts, and the parts that he maybe sometimes wishes he didn't have to confront - all of it, together as a coherent being. He could never in full earnest wish to change any part of Buzen, even if he sometimes wants to hit him with a table leg.]
[it's nice, to be known in his entirety like this. buzen doesn't think anyone knows him as well as the gous, and even among the gous, matsui shares such a special history with him. he sighs faintly even as he buries his face in matsui's hair for a brief moment.
these are the things they didn't get to experience as blades. hands to touch, and mouths to speak these sentiments that are at once new and ancient. he's always been ready to let go - always known that one day, all of this would come to an end. but it really is his most selfish hope that maybe they can enjoy it for just a little bit longer.
just a little bit.]
Worry's just the same feeling as caring, but in a different light, right?
[a simplistic understanding, but as true as buzen can hope to be.]
So I guess it just makes sense - with how much you care about me, and how much I care about you.
[There's a little huff of barely-there laughter at the simplistic but still undeniably true interpretation, and his shoulders rise just a little.]
It's unavoidable.
[But unlike most of the things he views as unavoidable in this life, it's something he's more than happy to live with. The weight of worrying for Buzen just means that Buzen is still here to worry over, and even though he's greedy and always asking for more, he can still feel satisfaction for that alone.]
...But if you make such threats in the future, I would at least like to know before, rather than after.
[typical buzen behavior. but he can figure that's fair, in a way. matsui had almost allowed himself to be broken before, when he was at his lowest. but would he threaten or barter his own life in a more coherent state of mind, knowing it could take him from buzen?
. . . the answer buzen comes to is still 'yeah, maybe.'
but it won't stop him from giving in to matsui's request. he hums, softly, before nodding.]
I'll let you know, even though... Well, I don't think there's anything else that could pull me away from you.
[if it's something like winning on the grounds of erasing people - no, buzen couldn't be satisfied with that. but just short of making buzen questioning his own reason for being, he knows where he's meant to be, and who he's meant to be with.]
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Should I try to surprise you more then, Matsu? I guess that's what Tsuru-san would want...
[not like this,]
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I dislike surprises.
[Sir.]
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[?????? the way matsui will feel some resistance because buzen doesn't want to let go - before he realizes that matsui actually wants out and then he lets go for real
but he's like
pouting about it]
Really?
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Mostly. Good surprises are rare.
[And he dislikes being caught off his guard in general... Also Tsurumaru connotations but it's fine it's fine, he's trying to build things back up again after An Undefined Amount Of Time Of Avoiding Tsuru.]
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[still pouty, but also interlacing his fingers with matsu immediately]
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[DON'T SURPRISE HIM!!!! ESPECIALLY NOT IN A MURDERGAME. He will accept this though, giving Buzen's hand a light squeeze reflexively.]
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[stop,
but he will move to walk,]
Do you wanna go to another room? Or we can keep hanging out here. I can sit down, if you wanna borrow my lap.
[the way he either wants to keep moving or to touch more. idiot.]
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It isn't. [But he can't even say it with any true chiding because he's too charmed by Buzen being so... Buzen.]
--I wouldn't mind borrowing it.
[HIS PILLOW.]
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[is he listening,
but he laughs then, pleased. he’ll lead matsui over to the closest chair - it’s a selfie building so i googled red loveseat and some of the first results were these extremely Extra velvet daybeds so that’s what it is, i guess.
Buzen goes to sit and then pats his lap - ]
Here, Matsu.
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I don't want a surprise.
[What he WANTS is to sit on this dramatic velvet daybed apparently, curling up comfortably and settling his head in Buzen's lap. There are so few things to be glad about in this continued cursed existence, but this is definitely one of them... He immediately seems notably more comfortable.]
There are other things to concern ourselves with, in any case...
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Yeah? Like what, Matsu?
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What we will do once erasures begin, for one.
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but buzen will just look a bit more serious at that, even though his fingers don't stop running through matsui's hair]
Hmm.... Rang-san will probably get fingers pointed at him pretty fast, if he's not the one who actually did it.
[buzen is hopeful that maybe rang no longer wants to kill people but, you know,]
I think that if he does kill a lot of humans just to try to win though - we'll have to make sure he loses. That's the least we can do for our own team.
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But that's about where he's at and what he expected from Buzen, anyway. At least in terms of Rang in specific. It is not, of course, where all of his concerns about erasures lie - but he doesn't have to voice those.]
Some have already told me that they believe Rang wouldn't act as quickly as he made it sound.
[Which will be good for Rang because he's going to be getting so much heat already THE FOOL... Also he finds it hilarious on a personal spiteful level that people see through Rang's stupid tsun behavior so quickly. Die.]
...So I hope that we will not have to take action against him.
[Not because he likes Rang but for other reasons.]
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he'll move to tuck matsui's hair behind his ear in an idle little motion.]
I told him - that if he makes me mad enough, I'll just let someone from another team break me so they get the points, and then we'll lose.
[which he says a little too casually, before his expression does turn a little faraway and thoughtful. he closes his eyes, and a more guilty look crosses his face.]
... I just hate risking you in all that.
[because buzen has no illusions that if he dies, matsui will follow - which will really hammer in that rang won't get to win. it makes for an even more effective threat, really.
but if buzen had his way, he'd be the only one to go.]
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He does, however, immediately shift because WHAT'S HE SUPPOSED TO DO, JUST KEEP LOUNGING IN BUZEN'S LAP ON HEARING THAT?? Hilariously he's also immediately furious with Rang about this as opposed to shaking Buzen down, but he'll still do a little of that too, it's fine. RANG REALLY DID NOTHING IN THIS INSTANCE BUT HE'S GOING TO GO KILL HIM LATER.
Anyway he's like half-twisted, propping himself up with one arm so he can look at Buzen LOOK HIM DEAD IN THE EYE from uncomfortably close.]
Don't speak so lightly of such matters.
[He could never speak coldly to Buzen, but there's a thread of something icy in his tone. Fear, maybe. It's hypocritical of him - he doesn't care. He can't stand hearing Buzen speak like this about himself. He loves Buzen more than he can manage, but it's infuriating to him that he can't seem to see how important he is, how crucial, the way that he's the sun set directly in the center of their solar system.
A world without Matsui is fine. Preferable, even. A world without Buzen is hardly worth the time it takes to breathe.]
...We will see to it that he doesn't do anything to make you that angry.
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for some reason, buzen didn't expect that. he can tell he's made matsui a bit angry, though he's still trying to puzzle out the reason why - the confusion is clear in his gaze. when matsui twists to prop himself up with one arm, buzen just huffs out a breath of amusement. he'll keep his arms around matsui's waist to help him, just shifting him so that he's just perched entirely on buzen's lap now as opposed to having to hold himself up.
but he'll meet his gaze and says:] Don't kill him, Matsu. That's not fair either.
[it's funny, because buzen wouldn't have even though this a possible path. but rang was the one who said it.
'you know, it'd be easier if you just killed me.'
but buzen doesn't think that's right. he doesn't want that. not if there's a chance rang might not even deserve it, all the traits of a lying fox with none of the bite. and maybe it's a mistake for him to think this, a little too trusting and optimistic despite everything that he's seen... but jumping to conclusions, killing people over anything at all -
that's the part of humanity he hates the most. it'd be nice, he thinks, if they can choose something else.]
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GUESS HE'S SITTING ON BUZEN'S LAP NOW THOUGH it's fine, it gives him the ability to look clearly without having to break his gaze. He reaches out with both hands so he can hold Buzen's face between them.]
Life is not fair. Death appears to be the same.
[HE'LL KILL RANG IF HE WANTS!!! But he's not about to jump to extremes, either. Not when Buzen's potential return hangs in the balance, and they still know so little about how things are meant to proceed and how everyone else will handle the erasures. Instead:]
If you break because of his choices, then I will kill him before I join you.
[Does this also screw D over?? Yeah! But they'd likely lose with only half of their members around to make points anyway, so he doesn't find it any particular loss.]
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well, it's not like he can say he's surprised.]
Sounds like a scary possible series of events.
[he says this, as if he wasn't the one to threaten it in the first place - and yet, when it feels like the most surefire way to keep someone from actively trying to erase others... isn't it also something that he and matsui can uniquely do?
when he opens his eyes, he meets matsui's gaze again - stubborn red against piercing blue.]
Let's hope it doesn't come to that, huh?
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Buzen really DID SET THIS WHOLE CHAIN OFF but even though he disagrees with parts of it, it's not like he'd deny that it's a good tactic. Surely Rang wouldn't want to jeopardize things that quickly, or take a risk that grand - not when the outcome is inevitable and set in stone. It's reckless and self-endangering, but they are in a unique position to pull it off.
There's something he doesn't want to see in Buzen's eyes, though. After a moment or two of maintaining contact, his gaze drops and his own eyes close. The hands that had been holding Buzen's face falls to his shoulders instead.]
I think even Rang is wiser than that.
[Let's hope, indeed.]
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buzen watches matsui for a long moment, trying to think of what to say - but can he really apologize? it would be a lie. and while buzen can lie, does lie, he doesn't like it. he thinks he'd hate lying to matsui and the gous most of all.
he'll twist the truth to plenty of others, but it doesn't feel right for them. so instead he swallows his guilt as best as he can and leans forward, letting his arms loop around matsui to hold him close in a hug.]
... for someone who says that they don't want to worry you - I do it a lot, huh?
[at least he can manage some self-awareness, sometimes.]
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You do.
[BINCH.
...]
But I know that I worry you, as well. [Even if he wishes he didn't, he sure can't stop himself from being a generally worrying person.] And even if you worry me, I still cherish the parts of you that do.
[Because they're all parts that together make up the Buzen he loves. Even the infuriating parts, and the parts that he maybe sometimes wishes he didn't have to confront - all of it, together as a coherent being. He could never in full earnest wish to change any part of Buzen, even if he sometimes wants to hit him with a table leg.]
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these are the things they didn't get to experience as blades. hands to touch, and mouths to speak these sentiments that are at once new and ancient. he's always been ready to let go - always known that one day, all of this would come to an end. but it really is his most selfish hope that maybe they can enjoy it for just a little bit longer.
just a little bit.]
Worry's just the same feeling as caring, but in a different light, right?
[a simplistic understanding, but as true as buzen can hope to be.]
So I guess it just makes sense - with how much you care about me, and how much I care about you.
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It's unavoidable.
[But unlike most of the things he views as unavoidable in this life, it's something he's more than happy to live with. The weight of worrying for Buzen just means that Buzen is still here to worry over, and even though he's greedy and always asking for more, he can still feel satisfaction for that alone.]
...But if you make such threats in the future, I would at least like to know before, rather than after.
[Please his heart can't take it.]
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[typical buzen behavior. but he can figure that's fair, in a way. matsui had almost allowed himself to be broken before, when he was at his lowest. but would he threaten or barter his own life in a more coherent state of mind, knowing it could take him from buzen?
. . . the answer buzen comes to is still 'yeah, maybe.'
but it won't stop him from giving in to matsui's request. he hums, softly, before nodding.]
I'll let you know, even though... Well, I don't think there's anything else that could pull me away from you.
[if it's something like winning on the grounds of erasing people - no, buzen couldn't be satisfied with that. but just short of making buzen questioning his own reason for being, he knows where he's meant to be, and who he's meant to be with.]
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